Are you scared to have more children?

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We waited 5 years to have a child. Our son has autism (high functioning, but has an expressive language disorder) and we were going to have another but didn't for 2 reasons.

1. Didn't want to take away focus from him.
2. Terrified that another child would have autism as well.

I want another child, but I am so scared to have another one because I know I can't handle it if they were to have this as well.

How do you feel on the subject?

I'm not a parent, but I'd certainly be cautious and express the same concern as you have.

We have twins both dxed with Aspergers, GAD and ADHD. We made the decision not to have any more children for many reasons, but topmost on the list was the fact that these two already require all the time, patience and resources we have. We didn't think it would be fair to throw another child into the mix, whether NT or AS. We want to concentrate on doing our best for the two we already have.

We have talked about adoption or fostering someday in the future, when our sons are grown and require less attention. If we did so, we would definitely consider taking on a child who is on the autism spectrum, has severe allergies or other special needs. I guess we feel like we've had some practice in this area and know how to manage (my youngest sister is special needs as well, so taking care of special people has always been a part of our lives).

That being said, our sons are very high functioning. They can feed, dress and toilet themselves, and they sleep through the night (most of the time!). They are verbal and cognitively on par with their peers. We have made great strides in the last 2 years in reducing the number of meltdowns they have. They both have the potential for higher education and independence as adults. So in the grand scheme of things, we have it very easy. If they were LFA or had other more pressing needs, we would probably not even consider having more children.

Would you have aborted the child you have if you had been told in utero that he would be autistic? If so, you should give him up for adoption now, he deserves better.

We are not DEFECTIVE.

BTW, I, too am HFA (AS) and my daughter is perfectly neurotypical and attending a Math & Science prep school. My sister is perfectly NT as are two of her three kids. the other is Dx'd ADHD, but a lot of people diagnosed ADHD as kids, are rediagnosed later with AS. Since I and one other cousin are both diagnosed Aspies, I'm guessing my niece probably is, too. Its a crap shoot - you probably don't want to risk it. God forbid you bring another one of us DEFECTIVE Autistics into the world.

Willard - who said autistic children are defective? Not I. Nor do I believe in abortion.

I think fear is natural. Our kids are wonderful but we can't lie and say that in many ways they don't take more out of us. You do have to think of what you believe you can give.

That said, I'm glad I didn't know my son was AS and didn't know of my severe pregnancy related medical problem while deciding to have either of my 2 children. Sometimes its better not to know and just live. If 2 kids was the plan, have 2 kids. Whatever fate throws at you, you will find a way to deal with it. You can't fully live if you live in fear.

Kate,

I am going to be totally honest here. This is not something I even talk about in my normal life.

My son was DX with mild Asperger's at 3 years old. For about a year before his diagnosis I knew something was 'off' but I did not suspect autism. I had this "extreme" picture of autistics being unaffectionate and tuned out ... total stereotype, I know ... and my son was very attached and, most days, alert and tuned in.

My husband was chomping at the bit for a second child. About a month before my son's DX I decided ... what the hell. And when I found out I was pregnant, I cried my eyes out. It was like falling down a rabbit hole.

A month later we recieved our son's DX. And I found out I was a carrier for something called Fragile X (thought I am just in the gray range). While our doctor was VERY positive about our son ... saying his impact was mild and that with intervention he would be mainstreamed and high functioning ... I felt so guilty for spinning the wheel again. Because it could be much worse.

I had a miscarrige and actually felt ... a bit of relief ... and that made me crazy with guilt. And then I discovered I lost a TWIN. And I should be feeling so lucky to have kept one ... and most days I do ... but still ... at 6 months pregnant ... I am terrified.

I know I will love unconditionally when ever comes ... but I feel tremendous guilt at what may be ... especially if it were something very extreme where the child would never be able to be independent.

My frist son has some very mild AS traits and has had some speach trouble itn the past so I never thought twice about having my 2nd child. My younger son has full blown austim nonverbal it's been a long hard road to get him ot were he's able to dress himself and mostly is able to use the bathroom on his own. Jakes a great kid and I love him very much, but I will not be having anymore childern because I feel it wouldn't be fair to him or his brother to bring a new baby in to the mix that very well might have special needs. Right now I'm kind of freeking out because I'm just about a week late I'm hoping my husbands operation didn't fail. If it did we wil imbrace the new baby no matter what but this will be the very, very last.

yes. actually if anyone could guarantee that the next one would have mild AS as this one i would go for it right away. however i am scared that the next one could have serious troubles because i am possibly exposed to various chemicals.

I don't think the desire not to have an autistic child isn't necessarily because a person thinks they are defective. I personally would NEVER abort my child because of autism, no matter how severe, however, being a parent I feel everything that my son feels. When he comes home and expresses his troubles of the day, and we talk about things he doesn't understand, and I see him struggle with things that other people take for granted and he feels he's stupid because of it, it breaks my heart. He is so sensitive, and there are so many things he doesn't understand. I fear every day that something will happen to me and he will be raised by someone who doesn't get him, and expects things from him he is unable to do. Not only that, helping him is very expensive and I am thankful that he is high enough functioning to be able to live a normal happy independent life someday. It would be very hard to have another, particularly if they are very low functioning because it would kill me not to be able to afford to help both children, especially if my only choice was public school. I am however looking forward to grandchildren, autistic or not.

I chose not to have another child because my son was born at 25 weeks, he spent 82 days in the hospital and I cannot carry children. My son was lucky. My next one could be severly disabled and I don't want to be responsible for doing that to someone because I selfishly want another child. I did everything that the doctors said to do because I didn't know I had issues. I know now, and to choose to give someone a disability, or even put them through a 3 month NICU experience is not something I am comfortable with. I would feel personally responsible for harming my child.

I'm sure there are people out there who see autistic people as defective, but they are ignorant and shallow. I don't think the people on this forum are in that population.

well said MommyJones. I was actually quite offended that someone would even insinuate the notion that I may not be a fit enough mother that I had to put him up for adoption. Let alone that I would have even thought of abortion!

My son is my life. I have gone thousands of dollars in to debt to help him get the basic therapies that he needs which is not covered by insurance. Yes...I'm terrified to have another child on the spectrum. I carry the insurance for my family, so being a full time employee, finding the right doctors for him, the therapies, the at home reinforcement AND try to decipher what my son is feeling/wanting is quite overwhelming. I don't think I could handle having another child on the spectrum. THIS DOES NOT MEAN I WOULD NOT LOVE AND DO MY BEST FOR THE CHILD.

Simone - I know it must have been hard for you to write all of your fears down like that. I wish I could give you a hug b/c I do believe I would have your same emotions. I spoke with some of the parents at my son's ABA Therapy Center and every one I spoke with said they would not have any more children. The one that did said their son was diagnosed the day after they found out that they were expecting their second child. He is now 15 months old and is starting to show signs of autism. They are beside themselves b/c they do not know how they are going to pay for the therapy.

I believe I may move to North Carolina where the benefits given to children on the spectrum are generous. Alabama does not provide ANY type of assistance. None.

Thank you for everyone that has addressed this issue.

How many kids a person should have is always a personal decision without right or wrong and regardless of potential disability. There are parents who feel overwhelmed by one "healthy" kid and others who adopt children with disabilities by the dozen.

My husband and I knew that it was likely to have a child with some sort of genetic disability or another, and still felt it was right. My husband has MD and several close family members with MS. Every single member of my side of the family, except for myself (luckily) has some sort of mental illness ranging from depression to bipolar to schitzophrenia. So far, our first born has AS, and still may develop MD. He's a happy and delighful boy and we're thankful everyday to have him. We looked at it like this: we were both very glad that each other existed and couldn't imagine telling the other that the world would have been better without them. Who's to say that someone with a disability or difference wouldn't lead a perfectly happy and significant life?

The question of whether or not to have kids (and how many) is much more about how much the parent(s) feel they can adequately handle. So much effort and energy goes into being a parent and there's really only so much to go around. It's a good idea to be aware of your limits and capabilities.

I am actually 6 months pregnant with our 2nd child, and it was not by accident...we tried for a year and a half to get pregnant with this one. I've had a lot of friends and family members ask if I'm scared that this one will be on the spectrum, especially since my first child is a girl, the one I'm carrying is a boy, and it's so much more likely with boys. My answer is that honestly I'm more scared that this one might be NT. We know what to watch for now with kids on the spectrum so we can get an earlier diagnosis this time if that's how it turns out. Our family is already on a schedule and we do the same thing every day. Our house is set up to minimize sensory problems and we know how to handle meltdowns if they do happen. I have no idea what to do with an NT kid:)

That said, there will be a huge gap in ages between our children....7 years. The idea of having another when my daughter was 2 was unthinkable. It took all the energy I had just to deal with finding new childcare providers every time she got kicked out of one, and coping with the aggressive behavior, and changing diapers until she 5. It would have been more than I could do and be a good mom to more than one child. But now that she's almost 7 and we have been through a lot of therapy, and gotten in a groove, and gotten her able to not just get through a day, but actually be successful at school, I feel ready. For all of the work that has gone into raising my daughter, I could not be happier with the person she is becoming and she has made my life so much more fulfilling in so many ways. I think every person needs to decide for themselves what they can handle, and I do think for those of us that know we have a genetic tendency to have a kid with a disorder, you need to decide not only "can I handle another child?" but "can I handle another child with extra challenges?" I know in my heart that I'm ready whether the baby is NT or autistic, and that the 2nd child will enrich all of our lives the way my daughter has.

I think that this is comment is a little judgmental.

My son (who I love unconditionally) has mild autism. I have a second child who is neurotypical (who I also love unconditionally). My husband and I are aware that we both might have very mild autism as well (or at least traits). This makes it more likely to have another child on the spectrum. Some of the considerations when choosing to have more children are, frankly, financial. Even with neurotypical kids - there is the need to house, feed, clothe, pay for daycare/preschool, activities and such. I am Canadian, so I am lucky that we don't have huge medical expenses or outrageous health insurance costs.

With a child with autism, the time, energy and expense is incredible. Even with government funding of $20,000 per year (up to age 6), we are still paying close to $500 per month out-of-pocket to help my son get some therapies that he needs.

I love my son and would not trade him for the moon and the stars. However, I can handle ONE of him. I do not consider him "defective" - but I recognize that he has unique challenges that children who are neurotypical do not have.

My husband and I are choosing to keep our family limited to two wonderful children (one autistic, one neurotypical) as this is what we have the time, energy and financial resources for.

Other families may choose and plan their families based on their own assessments of their own situations.

Katejake wrote:

2. Terrified that another child would have autism as well.



Would you have aborted the child you have if you had been told in utero that he would be autistic? If so, you should give him up for adoption now, he deserves better.

We are not DEFECTIVE.

BTW, I, too am HFA (AS) and my daughter is perfectly neurotypical and attending a Math & Science prep school. My sister is perfectly NT as are two of her three kids. the other is Dx'd ADHD, but a lot of people diagnosed ADHD as kids, are rediagnosed later with AS. Since I and one other cousin are both diagnosed Aspies, I'm guessing my niece probably is, too. Its a crap shoot - you probably don't want to risk it. God forbid you bring another one of us DEFECTIVE Autistics into the world


I find this interesting. The question is about raising a child on the spectrum, you appear to be raising a child you is NT.

Not all of the parents who visit his board have chidren who are HFA. We have children on the sepctrum and may have much more severe presentations of Autism.

I have two children. One who had PDD-NOS (S) and one who is NT(W).

S is the older of the two. I adore him. He is wonderful. I cannot imagnie my life without him. I believe God chose me to be his mother. The truth remains he requires more resources than W.

We did give pause to the idea of a second child. This does not make me or anyone else with the same concern a bad parent. The stats are hard to find on your chances of having a second child who is also on the spectrum. So many parents chose not to have a second child, it's diffacult to study.

We had W anyway! I wanted two children, whatever God gave me I would take care of. This does not mean it's the right choice for your family. I don't feel either of my children suffer from a lack of attenetion or love from us. They are good for each other.

I believe this is too harsh, and I wish we could all keep our emotions in check during these threads. The question raised is a valid one, because as much as we love our kids and think they are wonderful, depending upon where they are in the spectrum, they may face a very uncertain future, and may well be extremely difficult raise to right now. We don't know, despite our own experiences, exactly what another parent is facing. Its is a giant leap to start asking if someone might have aborted had they known (highly personal and, thus, insensitive), and taking such leaps keeps parents from voicing the fears they have currently and NEED to deal with. I personally think the need to be able to vent and deal with such feelings trumps the need to advocate nuerodiversity issues, at least for the one thread. We're talking about one parent expressing themselves, not an Autism Speaks video or billboard, and we should all approach it as such, IMHO. I wouldn't challange another parent on the playground unless I saw extreme behavior, and I don't believe we should do it here.

Sorry for the speech; it isn't all directed at you. Just general.