Scripting conversations

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Apparently this is quite common for people with 'social problems', especially Aspies.

I feel silly admitting it, but I do read from scripts in my head during social interaction. I have scripts for answering the phone, greeting people, approaching people, things to say during small talk, buying things from shops, etc. I made the scripts by reading things for people learning to speak English (although I am a native English speaker) which had good examples of social situations, and I've been paying close attention to how the so-called 'normal' people interact.
It is difficult when someone says something that isn't in the script, and because of a lack of empathy, it can be almost impossible trying to guess what other people would say so that a correct answer can be thought of beforehand.

I made this thread for people to share their conversation scripts or tips, and learn things from other people if you're on a quest to be able to participate in mindless social rituals.

I have trouble greeting people, so here are the scripts I use:

THEM: Hello, (insert YOUR name here)!
ME: *Smile and look at them* Hi, (insert THEIR name here). How are you/How ya goin'?
THEM: Oh, I’m okay/fine, thanks. How ‘bout you?
ME: *Use tone of voice indicating you are happy* I’m fine, thank you/I’m okay

ME: *Smile and look at person* Hey, (insert THEIR name here). How ‘ya going?
THEM: I’m fine, thanks/I’m okay/I’m well. And you?
ME: *Use happy tone of voice* I’m okay/fine, thanks.

*Note that sometimes 'how are you going?' means 'hello' and doesn't always need an answer (hard to tell which is which though)
Also, when you are expected to give an answer, don't tell the truth (or give too many details), because usually, the person asking doesn't actually care!

I script "basic" conversations, too. Obviously the other person doesn't always "play along" with what I have planned, but at least the first couple of exchanges are generally predictable.

I've found that it helps if *I* start things off: instead of waiting for my co-worker to say "good morning" I will say it first. That way I'm prepared for a response to "good morning," and am not wondering if they're going to say hi, good morning, how was your weekend, or gee, is that a new shirt?

Predictability is good.

oh man... i've done it so much that it's pretty much second nature now. it makes things a bit easier, and for the past year or so i have been interacting first, but not always.

Can you write up some of your conversation scenarios and responses? I might add them to my flash card application .

1. For making a phone call to a number where there are multiple people who might answer the phone (i.e., not someone's own cellphone):

Hi, this is (MyName), may I please speak to (NameOfPersonIWantToTalkTo).

This is handy because it usually works even if you can't tell whether the person on the other end is who you want to talk to or not. If it is, they'll say something like "that's me" or "speaking". If it isn't, they'll offer to get the person (e.g., 'just a minute' or 'I'll get him/her'), or say that they're not in; if they're not in, they may offer to take a message (e.g., 'sorry, he/she's not here right now, may I take a message?), and if they don't, I might ask them to ('Well, can you please tell him/her that (MyName) called', or 'Could you let him/her know that (thing-they-should-know)').

If I don't know whether the phone number is shared, I treat it as if it is.

2. For making a phone call that might be lengthy, especially if calling someone who has a cellphone (and therefore likely has a phone with them when they're busy doing various activities):

Me: Hi, this is (MyName). How are you?
Them: Pretty good/fine. And you? [or similar]
Me: Not bad. Do you have time to talk right now?

If they say yes, continue the conversation. If they say no:
Me: OK, no problem. When would be a good time to call you?

3. More generally, when I make a phone call for functional purposes (e.g., arranging something or getting information, as opposed to talking to someone because I want to), I often plan out ahead of time what I'm going to say, but it depends on the phone call, so it's not really the kind of thing that's postable. The basic script is usually based on talking to a real person. If I get an answering machine, sometimes I can modify the script to turn into an answering machine message, but often if I try to talk to an answering machine when I was expecting to talk to a person, I stumble a lot and it doesn't come out well. So sometimes if I get an answering machine I hang up, create a new script to say to the answering machine, and call back and leave a message. (Occasionally on the second phone call I get a real person instead of an answering machine, and it's disconcerting.)

I wonder, though, don't NTs also do that, but maybe they just aren't so aware of it? I mean, you can't constantly be coming up with a new answer to, "How are you?", when you know that there are only a handful of acceptable answers.

When I meet someone or have one of those kinds of interactions like what you talked about, I have certain things that I say. Once in a while I'll stray from it, and a little "voice" in my head will say, "Oh, no, don't start telling them how you are really doing!" while my mouth prattles away. But mostly, I stick to saying the same things.

I never had to consciously sit down and write it all out, and memorize it, exactly, but it's all stuff that has worked in the past. Like, when someone asked how I'm doing, I'll usually say, "Pretty good, and you?" And if the bagger in the supermarket asked if I want help out to my car, I say, "Nope. No thanks."

I don't really have any small talk memorized, because I tend to avoid situations where I might need to make small talk. I figure if people actually want to talk with me, they'll be okay talking about stuff that actually matters. I've never gotten to know anyone by prattling on about the weather. Besides, I mess up when talking about the weather, because I prefer cool, grey days to hot sunny days, and people seem to get weirded out if you don't like hot weather.

Hi Greengrrl, Yes I script conversations especially when I know I'm going to have to relate to someone, or on a topic, I'm uneasy with. This is particularly so if I have to ask a favour of someone, I usually expect rejection or denial of a request. It is more to do with nervousness, and not knowing the correct way to approach the subject.....everything in relating to others , except on an area I'm interested in, is very agonising.
Social chit chat is the hardest thing and I know rehearsed Q&As sound really super banal...but in reality chit chat to me is banal whilst others can get really engrossed in it.
Really hard talking to family members as some, like myself, demonstrate strong Aspie traits, but are in denial.
Hope this is not too confusing!

I am lucky enough to be in a job where I can stick to the facts on the phone. I make nice, but stick to the point (plus 98% of the calls are under 2 min). At one point I answered 150+ calls a day.

My voice mail message took me 2 days to research what to say, write it, and then I practiced it for hours (recorded and played back) until it sounded right to me.

When it comes to personal interaction, I can do the social dance up to 10 min at times.. then it's two left feet. That awkward silence is usually broken by me putting my foot in my mouth.

Like elderwanda, I have standard phrases I use for common situations. The problem is when someone -- like the grocery clerk -- strays from the typical script and I end up giving responses that don't really make sense when I think about them.

I don't really have a script per se, but I do run through possible scenarios in my head when I know a conversation is coming so I'll have something ready to say. For instance, if I'm running late for something or if I need to talk to someone about an issue, I'll run through the conversation and as many of their possible responses as I can think of, and the ways I can respond or counter them in turn. It doesn't always help, but it makes me feel better.

I've never had scripts. The closest I have to that is when someone says hello, I say hello. And when they ask how I am, I say I'm okay even if I'm not. And that's that. Maybe I should have scripts though.

My scripts:
1. Greet.
2. Ask how they are.
3. Reply to their enquiry about how I am. The correct answer here is "Fine" or something similar, unless they are a close friend who actually cares about the answer. If they are not a close friend and I'm a long way from being fine "I've been better" avoids lying while also not boring casual acquaintances with all the details of my life. If details are asked for "Just stress" or "Just things getting on top of me" is an acceptable answer.
4. If they ask standard small-talk questions, answer, and reflect the question back to them. For example, on a bus, they might ask "Where are you going today?". I tell them where I'm going, then ask the same question.
5. If they don't ask questions but don't walk away, I use my environment to think of questions to ask. For example, in a shopping centre, I'll ask "Are you getting some groceries?". It is asking about things that should be obvious, but small talk is about showing the other person that you think they're worth talking to, not about an exchange of interesting information.
6. After this, the conversation normally moves into the "how-is-your-life-going?" part. The correct answer is "Not too bad" with some details about plans that I have or interesting things that are happening in my life.
7. If I can remember things about the person that are important to them (they may have children, or they may be searching for a job), I will ask about these things. Otherwise, I'll just ask "How is your life going?" or something similar.

This is the extent of my scripts.