At Wit's End !

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I am new here. You can find my summary intro "Hi! I am new here" in the "Getting to know each other" topic.

I guess I will start out in this thread because of some issues my son has been having this year in school.
Please bear with me because this is quite long but I don’t know what else to do ! !

Let me start out by giving some background. My son is 7 years old, was born about 3 months early and once he was home, he had to be on a heart and respiration monitor for several months.

When he began to get to his hands and knees, we (his mother and I) figured he was going to try to crawl but instead of trying to crawl, he would simply rock forward and backward while watching the floor. He did this for many months. Along with that, he never attempted to put anything in his mouth like a 6 or 7 month old will, and he appeared fascinated by ceiling lights and ceiling fans. Now I know that young children are fascinated by lights and fans but they will look at other things too.. My son did not. He just stayed fixated on the lights and fans and the rocking.

I thought something could be wrong so his mother and I took him to his family doctor who assured us that this was normal.

After his fixations and rocking continued several more months, we took him to another doctor who at this time, said he could have some developmental issues because of being “Premie”. As time went on, he began to walk and then to ride rocking toys. That is when we noticed his fixations had gone from the floor to him putting the rocking horse next to a child gate and rocking while staring “hard” at the gate rungs as they passed his face while rocking. His eyes did not move… they stayed fixed “Through” the rungs so I could tell he was watching the “Motion” of them passing his eyes.

We again took him to another doctor who this time said he was exhibiting signs of Autism and he was diagnosed with “Pervasive Learning Disorder”.

As time went by, he began showing signs of other Autism disorders and possibly mild Asperger Syndrome because of his desire to be isolated from other children. On the play-ground, he would rather pick up dirt, hold it along side his head, and watch it fall “from” his face to the ground or onto something that would make noise. He would also mimic the noises the dirt made when it hit the ground or an object. The sounds were similar to someone lightly clearing their throat. To this day, he continues to make the same noises without the aid of dirt or anything else.

I am not sure when he started this but… he would never sit for anyone to read to him and he never picked up a book to even look at the pictures. Instead, he would “flip” the cover and pages back and forth and stare at the edges as they passed his eyes. He began doing the same thing with cabinet doors, room doors, and anything else on hinges.

When he was about 4 to 5 years old, neighbors that lived upstairs brought their kids down to play with our son. Her boy was around our son’s age and the little girl was about 2 1/2. Our son snatched toys from the boy but did not try to hurt him or anything but with the little girl, he pushed he down twice. She came to her mother crying and I went in and told our son what he had done was bad, that he hurt the little girl and should not do that. We tried to let them play again, and again, he hurt her. This time, I not only told him what he did was wrong and he is not supposed to hurt people, I made him stay in his room by himself. After that, we were always afraid to try to get him to play with other kids because we were afraid he would try to hurt them. To this day, he still tries to hurt other kids smaller than he is BUT ONLY in school.

He has always had “Adjustment Issues” with a new school year but this year has been worse than others.

His mother and I have been divorced since 2007 but he doesn’t seem to be aware of things like marriage and separation because he does not show any of the signs that other kids show like discontent or behaviors that are consistent with children of divorced parents. We have a “Shared Parenting Plan” in place that gives us equal time with him. He is with his mother during the school week and with me every weekend.

One big problem is his mother’s Grandmother who is a serious control type and influences my X’s ideas, thought, and hinders our communication when it comes to our son. Examples would include:
I found a doctor that uses diet and supplements to help his condition but my X’s grandmother talked her out of checking into it. She watches our son at times and has always let him get away with everything and never reprimanded him when it was necessary so now he takes advantage of that which I think also passes to his behavior at school because they cannot do much more than time-out.

For no reason at all, not only does he hit other kids when walking down the hall but also hits and kicks at teachers, spits at them and on the walls, destroys things in the room (the phone, a puzzle the teacher was building, etc.). and he has also went up to a student and her mother and hit the both of them.

His teacher and the Aide use time-out with our son by putting him in a room by himself but he will get very violent when they are taking him to time-out.

Our son does what is known as “Parroting”. He will repeat everything he hears and has picked up a few bad things from both of us as well as from other people and kids. I do not allow him to watch games or movies that have bad language. He has been saying inappropriate things at school and it is causing problems.

He also came home with a bruise on his chin one day, and then another large one on his front hip bone. It is quite plain to see that he got them at school but the school decided to call Child Protective Services about them and also made note of the language he was using. This has caused a serious problem because everyone in the family knows our son is not being abused by anyone. It has caused a serious problem also in that me and my girl friend have a new baby in the home so by our son’s behavior in school, it is putting our new son at risk.

Our son also has a habit of reaching into his pants and “adjusting” himself. I have no clue when this started or how but it has been going on now since the middle of last school-year. I did notice one day that when he does it, he is pulling his pee-pee up to the belt line of his underwear and allowing the elastic to hold it there. The biggest problem is, he does it in school, at home, in public… any where he is and we have tried everything to make him stop: smacking his hand, telling him to stop doing that, telling him “Get your hands out of your pants” (which he also has said in public to others), we have tried telling him to stop in every way but he keeps on doing it.

Now, his great grandmother (my X’s grandma I spoke of) is making more problems. She and I have never gotten along and she is very “Two-faced” and is now telling his mother to “Not let him go to dad’s until all this is over”. I spoke with his mother at length and she agrees (along with her uncle and others in the family) that there is no reason to keep him away from me. His great grandma would like nothing more than for me to never be able to see him again and she is always acting like “She” wants to raise him… laying guilt trips on his mother about different things in order to keep her in her control.

This has gotten too far out of hand and we (his mother and I) just don’t know what to do to make him behave and stop saying and doing bad things that is getting him and us in trouble.

I have even searched the ideas of Homeschooling but “great grandma” changed his mother’s mind on that one too.

What Can We Do ??? How can we make our son listen and behave in school ??? How can we make him stop “Adjusting” himself in school and every where else ???

The strangest thing is… He DOES NOT do ANY of this stuff here at my home. In fact, he is very gentle with his baby brother, he never tries to hit or kick others, and he does not curse or say bad things at all. The worst thing he might do is be a bit defiant about minor things.

Please… HELP!
I just want to cry…

Welcome to the forums.

I dont have time to write lengthy response right now, but I thought I would just mention a few things.

1. If your son's uncomfortable down there, then telling him to ignore it really isnt going to work. Stuff sometimes doesnt sit comfortably and needs to be adjusted until it does. Since your a male, I assume you know what I mean. What you need to tell your son isn't, "don't do that", but simply tell him to do it in private. Such as the bathroom or something.

Have you tried getting him some different underwear? I dont know exactly what is going on with your son, but it sounds like he isnt comfortable with what he wears now, and getting him something different may help. Perhaps a different brand of underwear would help? If he is looking for more support, then perhaps getting him a youth jockstrap would suffice. I dont know your son's size, but my guess is that your local sport's store would have some jockstraps in his size. Without sounding too creepy, I know that I prefer to have more supportive underwear, and your son may be the same way. I never did like boxers.

2. Different behavior in different environments is usually (not always) caused by 1 of two things:

A. Different expectations, rules, guidelines, etc. If your son thinks he can get away with more, or will be treated differently based on the situation then he may act accordingly.

B. Different levels of stress. Generally when a child is more stressed out they become more defiant, aggressive, and problematic. When they are less stressed out, they generally are better behaved. If the different environments are causing him different levels of stress then his actions will be notably different.

3. If your wife's grandmother isnt helping the situation then tell her to buzz off. You dont need an anchor around your neck.

Thank you for your reply

I am not sure if it a comfort issue or not. He has been doing it now for over a year and it seems that he is adjusting himself to where he "catches" the tip ot "it" in his underwear elastic... sort of holding it there. I am guessing that the reason he does it so much is because it falls back down eventually so he just "adjusts" it right back up again.
I am not sure if it is a "feel good" thing or what.

He has different types of underwear. Some are regular briefs like Fruit of the Looms, while others are softer, "Jersey" type material.

I think it may be a positioning thing because as I was talking to my girlfriend about your reply, I remembered that when I was a kid and throughout my teen years, I too always to have it "up" instead of "down" so I would adjust myself accordingly... but I knew to do it in private or so no one could see.

About his behaviors... I would be really inclined to go with answer A... that it is probably due to different expectations and guidelines. He sure does act accordingly if he thinks he can get away with more. The schools here cannot reprimand sternly so, just like he is with his great grandma, he takes advantage of that and pushes to the absolute limits.

"X" wife's grandmother (just to clarify )...

I have been tossing it around in my mind for days and after talking to my "X" yesterday, I did get on the phone today and had a very long discussion with her about how "granny" is creating more of a problem because of her undermining our ideas and decisions as parents. Other family members of my "X's" are even telling her that she needs to put her foot down and tell "granny" that enough is enough.

So... she has agreed that Monday, it is high time she make "granny" back off by limiting how much time she has with him and by making her stay out of things when it comes to how our son is raised.

Her great grandma has been a control freak all her life and has always had the ability to make my "X" do and think whatever she wants her to... if she doesn't, she will lay guilt trips on her and other things that make my "X" "Give In".

Our "Shared Parenting Plan" even says that if my "X" needs a baby sitter that she is to contact me and we are supposed to share all decisions regarding his schooling, medical, etc. ... BUT, "granny" has always pushed my "X" into letting her be put on the Emergency Call list for school, make decisions regarding his medical and schooling, among other things. Everyone says she is involved WAY too much and needs to back off.

Thanks again.

Well, glad to help. Since I have more time, I figured I would provide you a more in depth response.

For starters, there are some things you might want to know about autism in general. I could easily write a book about this, but the basics you need to know are fairly simple:

1. Your son is different and weird, but that doesnt mean he is defective. I would be lying to you if I said autism was all sun shine and roses, but its not the horrible life stealing, soul crushing disease that many 'advocacy' groups make it out to be. Your son will inevitably face challenges in his life, but the challenges are not insurmountable. Just ask around on this forum, and you will find that there are many people here, who were like your son at one time, yet have managed to grow up, and mature. If you are struggling and need help, then just come to this forum and ask whatever you need to ask. Odds are you will get decent advice that is much cheaper then you can get from any psychiatrist, and it will come from the parents and people who live with the condition, rather then people who just read about it in books.

2. Your son is autistic, and as such, his autism plays a large part in who he is. It does not entirely define him, but it does make up a significant part of his personality. For example, if you wanted to describe me, you would have to mention that I am a male. Being a male plays a large part in the way I think, the way I process information, the way I view the world, and how I feel. Being a male does not define my limits, nor does it describe everything about me. But it is an important part of who I am. Likewise, my autism is also an important part of who I am, in the same way as being a male is an important part of who I am. It is not something which can be removed, cured, or fixed anymore then you can cure me of being male. It is impossible to try and cure of remove your son's autism, because it is not something which can be removed, it is an integral part of who he is. You can help him learn coping skills, and teach him to adapt to living in a world full of normal people, but he will always be autistic. Accepting this, and making the most of it will serve both you and him much better then trying to make him normal. Because that will just create frustration and problems for both of you.

3. Every person with autism is different. Your son is a unique and individual creation, unlike anybody else in this world. Having him labeled as autistic may be useful for getting paperwork filled out, but it doesnt define who he is as a human being, nor does it place limits on him. If you spend time reading the posts here you will find that many different personalities are represented. Some people like myself prefer solitude and arent very interested in socializing. Others here may wish to socialize more, but have difficulty doing so. Some people started speaking early, other people like myself started speaking late. Personality varies from person to person, and as such nobody here will be exactly like your son. Don't think that just because your son is autistic he will automatically be like anybody else. What works for one person may or may not work for your son. Treat him based on who he is as an individual, not based on his label.

4. People aren't nice. Its the way we are born. Despite the chants from hippies, people are not good, warm and fuzzy deep down inside. We are a selfish, angry, and emotional species. And your son is no exception. While I am afraid that doesnt sound very nice, it is unfortunately the truth. All humans are born that way. As such, your goal in life should be to help teach your son virtues like patience, kindness, gentleness, etc. Teach him about morals, and other important things like that because that is what every human being needs to learn, autistic or not. The fact that your son is displaying aggression is not your fault, or the result of exposure to bad influences. It is the result of him being born. What you need to do is work with him and try to find a way to teach him to overcome his human nature. That is what discipline means. It comes from the root word of disciple, which means to learn. You must teach him morals, because he sure isnt going to pick them up on his own.

5. Being autistic creates a lot of stress. It is somewhat hard to explain properly, but allow me to assure you that there are problems associated with the condition that lead to being stressed out often. Sounds are too loud, lights are too bright, information overload is a constant problem, your often picked on at school, people treat you poorly because you are different. You have difficulty dealing with large groups of people, you get overwhelmed easily, etc. I am not trying to sound like an attention seeker, but you should understand that your son probably is dealing with a lot more stress then you had to deal with as a child. This of course is made worse due to the way an autistic brain is wired. It is too long to get into on this post, but the short story is that the part of the brain which handles anxiety and stress is overdeveloped in an autistic brain. If you wish to better understand the underlying neurology of the condition which is leading to these problems, you may wish to view this article:

http://frontiersin.org/neuroscience/pap ... 2007/html/

It is fairly technical in nature, and may not be easily understood if you dont have a good understanding of neurochemistry, neurology, and scientific procedure. If you want to, you can just skip past all the science, and get to the useful information here:

http://frontiersin.org/neuroscience/pap ... 7/html/#h9

What I am trying to say is that you shouldn't underestimate the amount of stress that your child is under. Simply being in a room with a few dozen other children can be stressful, which of course then leads to difficulty remaining calm. Its basic human nature that when you are stressed out you have a shorter fuse and can get angry/act out more easily. Your wife may be seeing the brunt of this problem since she has him on school days whereas you have him on the weekends when he is relaxed.

I could go on, but those are just a few of the basics that you need to know about. You may want to read this post as I thought it sounded similar to yours:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp2364846 ... t=#2364846
If you have some free time, you may want to read several of the posts on this forum. Not all of them are directly related to you and your son (many of them are about older children) but you will often find insights and useful advice that you didnt think about.

As for the more specific issues that are unique to your situation.

1. If your son prefers to arrange himself in the 'up' position then getting a jock strap would help hold things in position better then a pair of briefs. They have a much wider waist band and are more supportive. I am not trying to say that your son must wear a jock strap, but it would certainly seem to fix your current problem.

2. 'Parroting' words is not related to autism at all, that is simple child behavior. Children often repeat what they hear other people say, it is how they learn to speak English. If he says something inappropriate then just inform him that it is inappropriate to say that thing, and also why it is inappropriate. Try not to scold him as he likely didnt say it with the intention of being rude. More likely then not he just heard it before in a similar situation and is trying to expand his vocabulary. A simple explanation should do enough.

3. If you are looking for advice, it would be best to break down your posts into individual queries. Also, any information you can provide surrounding the problem would help. Something like:

-My son is having XXX problem
-We have tried YYY
-It seems worse when ZZZ
etc.

There is no official format, but it easier to address problems 1 at a time. Trying to respond to a long rambling post that covers 40 different topics is a bit difficult at best. It isnt a requirement to post that way, its just much easier to respond to, and you'll get more responses that way.

I understand that Ethan is Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified and this makes up a large part of his personality. This is a hindrance as well as a help. Because he is PDD-NOS, I am getting whatever help people recommend. The school has asked we try play therapy and his first appointment is tomorrow. Wish us luck.

They also recommended Title 19 Waiver for other things. It's assistance to help him attain personal independance so he can care for himself in the real world as well as help us get a break if and when we actually need it. Anyone with children who have autism-spectrum issues knows it's a truckload instead of a handful and can be a strain on even the most ironclad of nerves. Lots of different stuff they also have available and the lady that works with this program in my area commended me for finishing the signup now instead of later when he's 50.

My thing is, if we just smile and agree with the people (CPS and the schools) and attempt to do what they wish us to and follow through, CPS and the school will leave us alone. Otherwise, we'll have to switch to another school system or another mode of education entirely. Anyone from the rural areas of WV knows how bad off the schools are in the backwoods.

I think my grandmother needs to butt out. She's going to screw around and screw us all over if she doesn't stop and she don't realize it. Also, the school seems to be reading into things with Ethan that don't really seem to be there, but Spencer schools in Roane county are... well... lacking in Special Ed capabilities... so... yeah.



All I can say... anyone got some advice or do you all think we're doing what we should be?

When dealing with the CPS or the schools there is something you should keep in mind. They often have good intentions, and really do want to help. But they are very often overworked, understaffed, and dont know much about your individual case. Most likely they are just looking at your son's label, and recommending the 'standard' treatment for that label. This is better then no help whatsoever, but you should realize that you are going to have to take the lead role in making sure the services he gets are helpful to him. Keep a track of how he is doing, write down your concerns, see if something isnt working, does a certain therapy seem to help or not, etc. Then, if you notice a problem, dont be afraid to bring it up. The school is likely too overworked to be proactive on this, so you have to be proactive for yourself.

As for the recommended 'play therapy'. This is a combination of relaxation and desensitizing therapy. Basically, they get your son to play some games with other children and have fun. This helps him to get accustom to being around other children so he isnt so overwhelmed by the large groups of children at school. It also helps him to enjoy himself, thus reducing stress, which as I stated earlier may be causing some of the problems that you are witnessing. To be honest, I really dont know why this needs to be monitored by a professional. I mean it is just a play date with a different name. But if the school is setting everything up and doing it for free then go for it. If you have to pay for it yourself then I say skip it and just set up your own play date.

Overall, I cant really recommend any specific therapies without meeting your son, but I happen to be of the opinion that what a child needs more then any therapy is an understanding and patient parent who is willing to work with the child and help them out when problems come up. Recognizing your son's struggles and being supportive is far more effective at raising a happy, healthy, and productive child then any therapy is.

Also, I guess now would be a good time to emphasize working WITH your child rather then AT him on dealing with his problems. All to often, parents see the child's behavior as a problem, and start trying to find ways to influence him into changing the behavior (time outs, etc). What many parents fail to realize is that their children are the ones who have the most say on how they behave. If you want to get your child to act differently, get them on your side. Talk with your child. Ask them why they are doing whatever it is you want them to stop. If you see their actions as a problem, dont just jump strait to punishment. Instead talk with them, figure out what is causing the problem, and try to explain to your child WHY it is a problem. Try coming up with a solution that they will understand.

For example, you dont like him rearranging himself in public. Slapping his hand and telling him not to do that is jumping strait to the phase were you directly try to influence your child's actions. If you just talked with him, and tried to figure out the problem then you would see that he is just uncomfortable, and needs more supportive underwear. You could then get the more supportive underwear and the problem would be solved. However, since you jumped past the problem solving step strait to the punishment it didn't fix the problem, it just made you frustrated.

This is often reffered to as the Collaborative Problem Solving method, and is very effective at raising autistic children. If you have the time, I would recommend reading about it here:
http://www.directionservice.org/cadre/section5.cfm

Just remember, that your son does indeed have problems. And your son also needs to work on overcoming those problems and learning things like patience, etc. But you really can't teach your son kindness through punishments, and you can't teach him patience through impatience. Your child has plenty of problems in his life, and he doesnt need his parents to become enemies who follow him around waiting for him to mess up so they can punish him. Try to work with your child and help them whenever possible. I am not saying that he gets to have whatever he wants or act however he wants without limits. I am merely saying that the limits should be clearly explained and you should work WITH your son at becoming a better person rather then AT him.