How can I get real answers from a male Aspie?

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Hi Gals,
RE: high functioning AS male from the internet.

I thought men were a challenge to understand, but now I have another twist to it. Learning to appreciate this interesting AS man. But I dont know what is man stuffs, what is AS stuffs, and how can I tell if he is capable of a deep intimate feeling relationship, and do all folk with AS have AS children?

***allow me to explain***
In my openness in wanting to meet a potential husband one day some time ago I utilised modern technology - an internet singles site. There are many men available in the world. But it is trying to find a compatible one that is like a needle in a hay stack. (I am not a young lady by the way).

Of the fellows I have had some dialogue with online, the most friendly, open, and fluent in conversation is a guy who moved from this region of the world across to Europe to live in recent years. We have talked on the phone too and he tells me on the phone after about the first hour of talking with each other that he is sure he has AS. I knew about Autism but not AS, so when our two hour phone call finished I began researching!! ! That was about a month ago.

I can see now in our mail and in our communications some typical traits of AS, having read a little about it.

After I got over the servere disappointment of the reality, that one of the traits of AS is the difficulty in expressing their warmth and emotions etc. I decided I would remain friendly with him, because he is genuinely a nice gent. (And we both believe in Christ, and try and live life as He did according to the bible etc - so within that framework I am treating him at least as a brother in my faith.) He has a good heart.

I on the other hand have self diagnosed that I can be a 'rescuer'. I have fallen into this style of relationship with two previous relationships which never matured, because of the lack of the male attitude toward growth, maturity and changing to work with each other in partnership (all previous relatioships are non-AS). But it was the 'rescuer' /compassion streak that I have, that allowed me to get involved in the first place. I am tired of making such mistakes - I am tired of being a slow learner. Wisdom is something that has to reign - thats my aim. But while I am learning how to be wise in my selection of a long term partner I am trying to allow my self so slack.

I have a history of rescuing in relationships. I dont want to rescue again. And HE does not NEED rescuing neither. On that note, there seems to be a fine line between rescuing and teaching each other how to work together and communicate and love so we both get our needs met etc. And I am still learning how to express to another the way they need to hear it about having my needs met in a relationship. So with an AS guy I am wondering how can I really explain this IF I WAS INTERESTED in him. (He is coming out in coming months to visit his family, and can come and visit me in my city either side of that visit).

He has told me the AS is his problem, not mine and he does everything he can to learn social norms, that is how he has got this far in life! He finds it hard to make friends he says. Always has, but I think the church community wherever he has been, has been beneficial and helpful for him since these is potential for contact with people at any of their events. And he seems to have regular contacts in his new life in Europe. And has two longterm male friends who also moved to Europe around the same time as he. So he is aware of limits and yet blessings of friendships that are important to him. But has not had an intimate relationship it seems.

SOooooooo - I need to for my sake get my head straight. Help.

How can I talk straight but be kind, about key topics like: do you know if you can be caring to others? How do you react when you get overloaded, eg when you are out of your routine? Do you have a routine etc etc etc.

I have read a book and feel I have a tiny bit of knowledge, but it seems he has not gotten too deeply into this. He has stayed on with his life, but now UNDERSTANDS all the complications with relating to people in his schooling - young adult years.

Can I ask him to read the same book as me and for us to talk afterwards so I can understand him better? I have not had any issues yet, but I want to KNOW how best to talk with him about stuffs - him as a male and he with AS.



Oh .....and I ask myself why am I bothering.....just move on. You don't even know each other. And you never have to. And I may end up doing this.

Any pearls of wisdom gals?

I hope this makes sense.

bless you.

So, what book you guys reading together "Loving Mr. Spock?"

http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Mr-Spock-U ... 1932565205

We aren't yet.

I am have been reading one that is about young people, but it is helpful because it give some very practical applications in learning and understanding when relating we people with AS.

But thanks for the suggestion.

Great suggestion Sinsboldy if I may say.....Loving Mr Spock is the best book I have EVER read. It taught me sooooo much, too much to even touch on in this thread.....Enjoy it's a great literary treat that I am sure you will love. But have the tissues ready to both laugh and cry.......sheer indulgent brilliance at it's best...in my opinion

hey.....can I be really frank?

Why should I bother learning more, when I dont even KNOW this man, since he lives in Europe and I in Oz. ( I know I have come this far because he has been the most decent fellow I have met online.).

How do I know whether it is worth bothering getting to know him....am i going to nuts married to a male aspie? etc.

What would you encourage and why?

thanks for your mail.

In short, if you like everything else about him, then yes.

He's admitted that he has to work to understand some social situations, but that means he's aware of it, and consciously works to counteract it. We all have shortcomings, he has the benefit of knowing what they are, and how to reduce their impact on his life.

AS folk do feel affection, but some of us have trouble expressing it, so it will require honesty from you as he works out the rules of showing you affection. My partner get's frustrated with me at times, but she knows it's ignorance, not malice, and usually it's because I can't read her mood.

There are a few considerations,

Does he have any stims?

The other items you've asked about - overload, shutting down, etc. - are all valid questions, but shutting down under stress isn't unique to people with AS, everyone reaches those moments in life where they just need to shut the world out. I wouldn't judge him solely on that basis.

Ultimately, you'll have to judge how much potential he has for growth - but just because it may be slow, doesn't mean it can't happen.