Spouse has no career motivation I'm trying to understand

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My wife has been working retail/restaurant sector jobs all of her life. She is very anti-social and hates the entire retail/restaurant industry. Last year she quit a management job because the people were racist and shady. She then had a long stint of depressing unemployment for six months. I proactively helped/nudged her to better jobs and careers (i.e. I referred her to people in my social network in hiring positions and she has not made a single attempt to call those people for information). She wants to work in the legal industry but I haven't seen any progression towards that goal. (I almost feel like its lip service) She just didn't have any motivation to keep trying or improving herself for non-retail and career oriented work. I eventually found her another retail job through some contacts *sigh* but its sort of the same cycle again. She doesn't hate or love her current job but its no career. She goes through the motions and works forty hours. I know she feels extremely pressured because I make more money in a week than she does in a month. She hates it went I bring up the subject to come up with some goals and plans. She avoids and resents the fact then plays World of Warcraft hours on end. We had an argument that she doesn't want me nudging or pushing her towards a rewarding career. So I don't nudge anymore and no progress ever gets made... Goes through the motions. I love her to death and she is extremely beautiful, bright, and smart. Its become a touchy subject but I don't know how to address it anymore. I'm just venting and I want her to be happier about herself .


I'm curious if anyone out there is having similar spousal problems.

i don't know your wife's age but i'm 47 and i work and go to school and it's exhausting. i can't concentrate as well as i used to, my reading retention and memory has declined and so on.
i'm an NT and fairly organized and motivated but school is really difficult. is your wife NT or aspie?

It seems you want her to have a career more than she does. Not everyone is cut out to have a career. I would have loved my husband to have a career but he is content doing factory work.
He is the one doing it - not me- and if that is what is in his comfort zone, it is what he needs.
I on the other hand searched my whole life, literally, and found my place in the world at 56 when I bought a restaurant.

Remember that for a healthy family life, people work to live, not live to work. This also applies to Aspies as well, even though many of us are workaholics. Your wife has a job, you guys pay the bills and live within your means... so what if what she has is not a "career"?

On a different and perhaps more important note, I might be wrong but if she spends considerable amounts of time playing WoW, when she could be improving herself in other ways with that time, then she is doing WoW for either the social aspect of it, and/or to derive a sense of accomplishment from it, that she does not otherwise get from other parts of her life. The close juxtaposition of your financial success with her lack thereof only seems to magnify that, and same thing goes with your pressuring her to find something careerwise. If you want her to regain interest in real-life accomplishments, which could eventually lead to a "career" or skill acquisition or some other thing, then it'll be helpful to her if you help set up an environment where she can take baby steps to regain her confidence and be successful in trying new stuff.

I wanted a "career."

I busted my balls to try and make it happen. Never knew I was autistic or even heard about AS.

It was a disaster. After being really hurt several times, I walked away from it. The pain wasn't worth what I was putting into it.

I figured something else would take it's place. I learned to stop putting my sense of self-worth in my "career."

However, I wish I had something more than just a 9-5 ordinary (and low-paying) job.

I finished law school but was so jaded about the practice of law that I had no passion for it anymore. Without the passion, there is no way I could get through the bar exam or even get a job where I'd be expected to put in 50-60 or more hours a week in at the office.

Without passion, an ordinary job is all I am inspired to pursue...even if I want more. Without passion, I can't be exceptional...I have no interest.

Perhaps the world should have been kinder to me and encouraged me while I had passion. Now I have none left to give.

I hear you! I had a career flying aircraft that was put short by a "Morman Mophia". Now I get paid exuberant amount of money flying a boring desk. Although I still want to fly I dont want to invest the vast amount of money to get recertified for a crappy paying job.

Sure wish I knew how to get her interested. She said she loved interior design so we decided to work on one of my investment properties... However; half the time we go to work together she falls asleep on the floor with little interest.

Hmm... do you think that there is possibly an element of "she does this because she can"?

I think so... I always end up fixing her problems and she know I'll only stand by the sidelines so long. Because when she messes up, I pay for it too!

I'm hoping for some guidance. My older brother (48 years old) was recently diagnosed with AS. He's dealt with this his whole life but AS wasn't a known "condition" when my brother was a child. He graduated from high school and went to work immediately with my father (self employed business man in a small farming community) and worked w/him for 29 years until my father passed away from cancer in June. Not only is my brother dealing with the loss of the only employment he's ever known, he's also dealing with the loss of his father and best friend. My brother lives in his own house, pays his own bills, drives etc. In order to get him some assistance with finding new employment, we sought help from the Vocational Rehabilitation division within his county and that's when he was officially diagnosed. Since my father's death, my brother just watches TV and rides his bike around town. I've been trying to help him fill out job applications, but he doesn't seem very motivated. I've offered to help him fill out job applications, and written down some positions that might be of interest to him. He tells me he "doesn't have time" or is "too busy" when I offer to come up and work with him. I don't know if this is due to grief, AS, reluctance to take assistance from his younger sister, or what. My mother, sisters and I are very concerned about what's going to happen to my brother if he doesn't take an interest in finding new employment. I've taken a 6 month leave from my job to try to help him get his life on track, but I'm not sure of the best way to support him in finding employment. He's got some money in savings, but part of me wonders if fully understands the severity of his situation. I've been researching, Googling etc. trying to learn as much as I can about AS so I can be as supportive as possible. I've been trying to line up resources to help guide him (and me) through this process, but I haven't found much in our area. I'm struggling to understand what he might be thinking, why he doesn't see the urgency in his situation, how he might be dealing with our father's death, job loss etc. Any suggestions/insight would be most helpful! Thanks!! !

So your wife doesn't have "career motivation"? So what?

For 99.99% of human history she wasn't SUPPOSED to.

The deal was you make the money and she keeps house and raises the children.

You drag her back to your cave and she keeps it clean and stitches moccasins for you while you go out and spear a mammoth for supper.

Get the idea?

Hello,

Zer0netgain, you're coming through loud and clear. Why keep banging your head against the wall? If you keep losing out and don't even know why or how to turn it around, why bust your butt trying?

Striving for success is a good thing...once you know you can do it. You didn't know about AS, let alone that it applied to you. So of course you wondered if it was you, or so many people personally hated you, or you just got hit with the permanently-unlucky stick.

That was my life story, too, for many years. I turned around over the last six years, once I became aware of AS and how it affected my interactions with others. Then I was able to take advantage of Aspie abilities like noticing details and learning things that are articulated (eg, social skills resources for Aspies).

Now that you have a better idea what you can do, you may be able to find your passion. My fingers are crossed for you.

MOMOTWO, it's very good of you to help out your brother.

Alongside the Aspie issues, I trust you understand some people take longer to grieve than others. My impression - please correct me if I'm mistaken - is that your brother saw a lot more of your father than you did, especially in later life. He and your father must have been very close, especially if your brother felt dependent on him for employment in the first place.

I don't know when your father's cancer was diagnosed or when your brother was told about it. He may need quite some time to functionally adjust to your father's death.

One possibility is that your brother has been discouraged for years, if not his whole life. He may have the idea that he cannot succeed anywhere else. Perhaps if he can run the business himself now, or if that's not possible but someone else can step in if he can continue to help your father's customers, he can (re-)gain his confidence and sense of direction.

Also, possibly if he has a coach who specializes in helping Aspies, he can develop his social and work skills, practice succeeding and then launch into a new job.

Whatever happens, I wish you, your brother and everyone else in your family the best of luck.

Cheers,

asplint--Thanks for the encouragement. Yes, it's true that my brother spent much more time with my father than I did. My father was diagnosed w/stage 4 (terminal) cancer in Oct. of 2008. My brother was aware that the cancer was terminal and that it was just a matter of time. We attempted to prepare him for the impending job loss, but he was reluctant to do anything since my father worked right up until the week before he died. If it weren't for the fact that he's unemployed and has no income right now, I wouldn't be trying to push him. My family is worried about what's going to happen to him if we don't help him find some kind of employment. He currently has no income and cancelled his health insurance for cost reasons. Due to the nature of my father's business (plumbing/heating/air conditioning), there are certain aspects of the business that are high risk. I'm honestly not sure how confident my brother is of continuing on his own. My dad was literally there with him on most jobs and I'm not sure how much my dad allowed my brother to do on his own. My brother has also expressed his desire to work "with someone" vs. working alone. There is also an issue of new licensing/certification requirements which are very expensive and which my dad was adamantly opposed to. This opinion rubbed off on my brother, who spouts the same position, so he's not pursing these. To make matters worse, he lives in a very small farming community, so finding someone interested in taking over the business isn't an option (although we did try). I'm trying to find someone who might be able to mentor/coach my brother, but resources here in the state of Iowa for AS are pretty limited (at least what I've experienced so far). I just want to do what's best for my brother and help him in any way I can. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how much what I'm doing is helping him. My intentions are good, but I definitely don't have the expertise that he might need right now to help him in his grieving or his employment search.