Hi..i'm new...i believe im an aspie

Post Reply New Topic

hi all...my name is brad and im 29 years old.

i have recently found out about asperger's syndrome and i believe i "have" it. I use the term "have" very loosely, because having something implies possession. And because i see this disorder ingrained in me to the very core of my being, And when I think of myself, I cant imagine myself as a "normal" person...

i have been seeing a psychiatrist for a number of years... i was initially diagnosed as having "psychosis" due to excessive prolonged marijuana usage and the various symptoms and problems that that led to...due to me experiencing this "psychosis" episodes for a number of years after that, and also because I had stopped smoking weed, the psychiatrist considered the possibility that i might be a paranoid schizophrenic. So i was taking antipsychotic medication for that.

However, even on the medication, I never "felt" completely normal. In fact i felt quite the opposite. So, i had the medication only intermittently. Usually just a few weeks at a time. I was searching for an answer to my problems. And i tried diet, meditation and fasting, but nothing seemed to help.

Fast forward a couple of years, and i was reading an online news website, where it spoke of a british computer hacker that was hacking into US government and military websites in search of information about UFO's. When he was discovered and arrested, he couldnt understand why what he had done had been wrong. And a number of the elements in the story stood out at me.

Now, in relation to this, is a show i watched some time ago, perhaps, 1 and a half years ago. Americas next top model. And one of the contestants, an attractive woman had this syndrome...and i remember seeing her as detached, and aloof. unable to become a part of the group. And i felt for her. because i saw some of myself in her.

And so, when i started to consider that i had this syndrome, and read a number of websites, and took an online test, and also found out that a second cousin of mine had this, as well as "watching" how i behaved with other people at work etc. I realised that this was it...this was me.

Welcome to WP!

Brad, thank you for your post and sharing your experience.

I'm a 45 year old who has an 11 year old son with AS. Many of your experiences mirror my own if you simply substitute alcohol for weed, yet you should feel fortunate to have treatments available today that were not available years ago.

Do I have AS? The vagueness of the diagnosis, along with my own personal development, puts it squarely into the Who Knows file. I certainly did as a child. By the time I graduated college I had already figured out I was different from other people, although by then I went to great lengths to look the same, talk the same, as well as perfect the act of appearing like I enjoyed social situations. After college, in the business world, these are simply survival skills. Fake it till you make it. Paste that smile on. Firm handshake. Nod in agreement and take careful notes. As much as I agree with the premise of taking pride in having AS, sometimes you have to grit your teeth and "be normal" — whatever the Hell that is. Staring closely at people's faces for the slightest signal of what they are thinking has helped me over the years. Plus, it also makes it appear that I am deeply concerned with what they are saying, even though half the time I couldn't care less. Another thing to keep in mind is to always let the other person talk about themselves. It is their favorite subject. And if you keep asking questions about their life, their interests, their views, it makes the social situation so much easier on an AS because you don't have to talk about yourself. Smile and nod, boys, smile and nod.

Witnessing (painfully at times) my son Sean's struggles with AS, I see that much of my childhood can be explained. The loner. The guy who got picked on in Jr. High. The guy who didn't go to dances or football games. Trouble with concentration in class. So-so grades. Weird interests (serial killers, market research techniques, guitar wiring). Close circle of friends. My saving grace was discovering cross country and track. No surprise there: loner sports. Today I still run about 50 miles a week. It is "mobile meditation".

Funny that you mention "aloof" and "detached". My wife was the first person to mention to me that other people described me that way. Stand-offish. The fact is, I am not, just petrified and confused in social situations.

Anyways, I am a firm believer that many AS symptoms and their consequences can be "outgrown" as it were with time and painful self-discovery. If anything, isn't it a relief to stop blaming yourself for what happened to you as a child? Blind people can't blame themselves for walking into walls. Likewise, people with AS should not blame themselves for literally walking into society's walls.

Good luck. Back to work for me.

Hello, and welcome to the Wrong Planet community, Brad.

Ahem. I must respectfully disagree with this statement at least 200%.

Learning to fake your way through social situations that actually have you totally asea is not outgrowing anything. It's ACTING. And it's an extremely stressful activity (one that makes many of us seek assistance and solace in self-medicating social lubricants).

If AS is an atypical brain function, it is organic. You don't outgrow a mutation. That's like expecting Quasimodo to outgrow his hump. One may develop many coping mechanisms 'work arounds' that help you to function with 'apparent' normalcy for limited periods, but the view from inside your head is forever going to be slightly askew from what the majority of your neighbors are experiencing, therefore your reactions to that world will always have small tells that make it obvious to those around you that you are different.

I repeat: Just because you think you've learned to act perfectly average and seem just like everybody else, doesn't mean everybody else isn't rolling their eyes behind your back. You're never pulling off the act as well as you think you are. THEY know you're not one of them.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just feel it's better to be honest with oneself that be hit with the humiliation of having someone close to you take you aside and say "You know those people at work you think are your friends? When you leave the room they talk about what a weirdo loser you are." That hurt - because I KNOW I'm a weirdo - I just didn't realize THEY thought of me that way. Until that moment I had never owned up to just how weak my acting skills really were. And I had been convinced for many years that I was 'eclectically eccentric' by choice, but basically fitting in just fine. Surprise!


And welcome to the Eternal Debate Society, Brad!

I agree with Willard.

When I was a child I was very poorly socialized. I was ostracized from my peers in school (though close to some teachers). Over time, my behaviour became more socially acceptable--not because I have outgrown anything about AS, but rather because I have learned skills to lay over my impulses.

When my diagnosis first came about, I was utterly disbelieving. It can't be AS--I have friends; I am able to work with people; I have a full range of vocal expression... (etc. etc.)

But the truth is, I have very few friends; I am able to work with people because there is a framework around our interaction that makes it okay for me; and I have a full range of vocal expression because as a child I was enroled in children's theatre and learned the mimicry skills and vocal control that are the actor's craft. (etc. etc.)

To WrongPlanet!! !