My Mom

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline ... y_disorder

That is my mom.

That is not me.

I want to curl up in the fetal position and just give up on everything, except the fact that I am not my mother.

It hurts.

It hurts.

And I can't divulge informtaion beyond that, really. She just demonstated the f*****g BPD again. That's enough to knw.

You feel like you are on the end of a yo-yo; a rollercoaster; a see-saw.
You have no idea how you are going to be treated from one moment to the next.
You have no idea how the person is going to act (react) from day to day and you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stamache when they come home.
You are confused about their ever-changing rules which vary from day to day and never seem to be applied to themselves.
You cannot be open or honest with them without risking a major blow-out.
You cannot rest in their love, even though you know they love you as best as they are able.
You must always be on guard to effectively deal with the mood of the day.
You must put up with alot of heated venting; even if it's not about you, it's still nerve-racking to listen too.
It really sucks, doesn't it.

I'm just so scared I'm going to be her or am already her. Yes, I have wicked mood fluctuations, yes, I have a lot of the BPD criteria... but I think I can fix a lot of it an allieviate most of the rest. Alreayd have. Already am. I have a general non-bipolar mood disorder labl, OCD label, PTSD label and AS labelthat I'll accept... but a therapist alos though I might have BPD at one point. It's such a terror to think I might wind up being like her, espeically consierding what that implies for my life in the future, in all areas but some more than others...

I emailed her saying she had hurt me and been pushing buttons, she just emailed me back venting her spleen and trying to make me feel guilty. My email simply said this:

That email was a case-in-point.

I'm not going to bother to explain to her why. if she can't see it, she's too wrapped up in her own self-deluding for an explanation to help any.

Hey Serissa,
I know you had written about her before and I really feel for you. My mother has NPD and it is similar to BPD as they are both personality deisorders.
Suffice it to say that I wish I could send you a tactile sensitive cyber hug...

Sometimes I end up holding out for the dream of a normal mother who will be like I remember when I was four.

~QA

I feel for you. I'd rather not recount how many times i've effectively pleaded to my parents to tell me soothing comforting things when im hurt and they respond in spiteful ways. *hug* I hope you feel better.

I was describing my husband, not my mom. He's alot better now, but I'm always afraid the mood will reappear without a warning.

My parents never gave me what I needed emotionally. I couldn't even recieve it if they had. I finally (around age 18) gave up longing for something I would never have from them. I love them and accept them for who and what they are, but I can't depend on them, have a close relationship with them (maybe my Dad) and be like other families.
This doesn't really bother me much now that I have my own family and am 38 years old.
A friend of mine once said, "You wouldn't go up to a lame person and tell them to go get something for you. So why do you keep asking of your parents what they are incapable of giving?"
This made sense to me.

The fact that you are aware of the problems within your mom and yourself gives you a distinct advantage to avoid the false reality that she has sunk herself into. You must guard yourself from her hurtful behaviour, even if it means limited contact. Her venom will poison you. You cannot help her, she must help herself. Try to establish relationships with "surrogate" mothers. And know that we love you, Serissa. You're very special here.

Serissa,

My ex g/f was diagnosed with BPD. I didn't know what was wrong with her at her first, I thought all women were moody like that. But when she was mad at me, her verbal abuse stung worse than any of the abuse I received from the bullies at school. It's like BP's know how to push your buttons and provoke. Sometimes it's overt and sometimes it's subtle like doing or saying something that she knows is going to irritate me. Plus she was impulsive, freqeuntly cut herself, and has made atleast 3 suicide attempts that I've known of. She's really attached to her friends almost as if they were her lovers. One of her close friend's is unfortunately my sister so I still have to see her alot, but i've generally removed her from my life.

They're drama addicts basically. Too bad you can't detach from your mother like I did my g/f. But in the meantime I can reccomend a book that might help you.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/157224 ... oding=UTF8

The book is called: "walking on eggshells, taking your life back when someone you care about has Borderline Personality Disorder" It will give you some pointers on how to deal with your mom.

Good luck taming the borderline monster.

You need to remember that even if you do have BPD you're not doomed to follow the same path that she has. When it comes down to it, you are two different people, and I'm sure if you give it enough work that you'll be able to deal with it and still have a successful, fulfilling life.