What do Aspies need from relationships?

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This thread isn't for complaining or seeking help, but I do want to know what advice some of our successful members will have for the rest of us. What type of people/traits should we seek out or avoid? What are some things we need to take care of before we seek out a relationship? What type of people should we pursue, and what types should we stay away from?

I'm just curious what you have to say, and I welcome any advice people wish to give.

I would stay away from people who expect lot of sex and touching.
I would stay away from ignorant ones, ones who feel they are with a child because of your aspie traits or childish interests.
I would stay away from ones who are very negative about you and make you feel worse about yourself
I want people who will accept me and won't need lot of sex and doesn't need affection
Going for an asexual could do but I would make sure he is willing to have sex once in a while
I would want people who respect me and are not lazy to work or even pick up after themselves
I would want someone who doesn't expect you to read him

Well the number one thing I would say is to think everything out before jumping into it... making an impulsive decision can easily screw you over in short order...

My most successful relationship was with someone who was not autistic, but had an Aspie sister and was himself bipolar. I think that it's important for the other person to not be too set in Neurotypical thinking. Aside from that, someone who is similar to you in politics/worldview is likely going to be important. (For the record, I would go crazy with a boyfriend with little or no sex drive! While I definately need my alone time and sometimes don't want to be touched, the majority of the time I like physical affection.)

I want to say 'unlimited growth,' but is that true of everyone?

I don't think there is a universal type... people are far too diverse. Therefore, the nuances are more individual; that said, there are some general qualities that you might seek out:

Patient, understanding, accepting.
A person whose values mirror your own, even if their opinions do not.
Someone who is willing to find ways to communicate and understands the importance of both words and quiet.
...and avoid those who make assumptions, as that may hamper an already impaired line of communication.


M.

I don't know.

Even if I did know, I would not be good at telling whether this person has the qualities I'm looking for.

I realized that I am horrible at judging character and filtering out women who have major problems. As a result, I tend to keep my guard up even for the good ones because this is necessary to avoid becoming too involved with the bad ones.

There was one woman who used to associate with one of my research groups, and I was looking at her possibly for a relationship. Then someone warned me to stay away from her. Later I learned she was crazy and that she was trying to screw over a lot of people by accusing them of things they didn't do.

Last edited by sgrannel on 10 Nov 2009, 12:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

Sorry if this is somehow too graphic..
I was once in a relationship where the guy I was with disliked sex...(didn't know that about him till we got together)...Even though I don't have an incredibly high libido, it was frustrating...dating a guy who would only grudgingly "put out" every ten days or so. He liked to cuddle..and then would reprimand me if I wanted to go any further..meanwhile he infected out laptop with internet porn.. ....and he was a control freak...as in he scrutinized my behavior...got mad at me for communicating with certain people...hacked into my e-mail account...Would be angry at me over something..but hold it in and then suddenly burst out over it in such a way that there was never any chance for us to rationally discuss things..This guy was more-or-less an NT with issues. He was extremely resentful of me for a very long time for my leaving him after 6 months.

I have also been in relationships where I was made to feel like everything revolved around the guy's libido...and what i wanted didn't matter...or that I was bad..or not doing my job..if I didn't comply.

I have issues with not liking to be touched a lot of times too...A lot of times it is the "way" that a person tries to touch that will repel me...
It is very important for partners to be physically in sync with each other.

I hate having my belly touched...and so a bad thing Flakey would to is repeatedly poke at my belly...complaining that there was such a large part of my body that was off limits to him...It did nothing to make me more comfortable.


Things I need from a relationship are :
Friendship...tolerance...respect...comeradery..creativity and fun
Also..I hate being teased about my shortcomings and insecurities.

My best relationships are more like friendships-with-benefits than anything else.

My partner Flakey doesn't mind it when I start yelling because of some dumb little glitch in my processing system..He hardly notices it when I curse at him like a sailor because I am overloaded or something...and I can often go from 0 to in seconds flat...over tedious little details that mess with me...it's an impulse control issue...


My AS-ish friend/partner has anger control issues..and even though I am more sensitive than Flakey, and more prone to take things literally, I absorb a lot of his outbursts and meltdowns and impatience because I understand what is going on with him. I also really appreciate his special interest..so we are sorta in sync/allies in that regard.

I would say I need someone with similar interests as mine.

Someone adept at being social, to help me with things I don't understand.

Someone who makes me laugh and who I can make laugh.

Someone who explains themself clearly.

Someone who likes sex and touching, but isn't overly touchy when we're not having sex. Nothing's wrong with cuddling without sex, but a lot of light touching when I'm not expecting it would be super annoying and it would even stress me out.

Someone who doesn't mind listening to me talk for a little too long.

And most important, someone who I can make happy and who makes me happy.

Their end

someone who will hold my hand without holding me back

A lot of touch and affection.

The same interests.

A desire to start a family.

One who has goals and doesn't mind traveling.

Functional adult standards of communication is the big one for me, I would say, since these days I shove them out the door without hesitation at the first sign of double-standards in communication.

Ah yes, the dreaded double standards. Kills relationships dead in their tracks.

Yes, they do.

And they're a running joke among highly educated women in the STEM fields (science, technology, engineering, mathematics). We've all (er, not all, the het among us) been through boyfriends who insist that they need to be able to be quite rude in expressing disagreement with us, but we need to pander and be supplicating in disagreeing with them, and anything else constitutes us beating up the poor boys with our ZOMG GIANT BRAINZ.

Which leads to a lot of dumping followed by snickering, unsurprisingly.

You always seem a little bitter HH... Here have some happy * *

I think aspies need someone loyal, honest, and an ability to communicate that avoids stupid misunderstandings.

Anyone who is manipulative or plays games should be a huge 'do not want'.