Marriage partner with Asperger's

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Are there any chats or forums focused on the
marriage partner of someone with Asperger's?

I would like to talk with others in this situation.

I have never tried to discuss anything using
technology and could use some pointers on that also.

I have been trying to talk my husband into checking this site out. I am the one with Asperger's, and I know it's very frustrating for him. He feels alone and doesn't always know how to cope with things I say and do. I think he might talk to another NT partnered to someone with AS. I'll ask him.

That would be helpful.
FYI - my husband is in his 60's and we lived without
knowing the diagnosis until just 3 years ago. It was
a validating relief to both of us to realize that there
was no need for the anger, guilt and despair that I
certainly felt at times.

If your husband is interested - we might be able to
gain insight from each other.

Thank you for responding so promptly.

my take and experience on the subject may disappoint you but i think and feel that AS can only live and understand another AS
NT-AS relationship are bound to generate huge amount of pain,frustration and misunderstanding
living with another person is the most complicated subject and if u throw into that equation the huge difference in the way the autistic interpret reality it the result is hell
contrary to what the public and the so called pro's believe i think that AS have much higher potential or much better chance to maintain good one to one relationship than NT
this quality of ours reflects also in this forum where people lay out their preferences and difficulties that shows that we are much more one to one oriented than the average NT and great part of our inability to acquire the so called 'social skills' stem from the simple fact that unlike the NT we are monogamous by nature
that's why i have no interest and would never try to form a relationship with an NT
it is a recipe for disaster and pain

That's a broad brush you paint with there, Nara44. I am (recently-diagnosed) AS and while my husband is (undiagnosed) OCD he is otherwise neurotypical. We've been living together for 9 years and married for 3 and while of course there is friction sometimes (almost always caused by me) we are very happy together - we are partners, lovers and best friends. I can't see that changing any time soon. It helps that he is extremely patient and accepting - he may not understand my moods, my obsessions or my aversions, but he accepts them as part of me. Just as I accept his OCD.

It may be hard for an AS to maintain a good relationship with an NT, but it's not impossible.

well,i guess it's all depend on your expectations and if it works for you and u r very happy together i see no problem and any case it's not for me to judge
i just gave my input for u to take it as u please
anyway i don't take diagnosis too seriously because i never considered the doctors and their labeling system to be more than a result of very superficial observations
i need my partner to get my moods and my obsessions
u may say that this is my obsession
namely,to be completely understood by the person i live with
otherwise i prefer to be alone
i know it sound crazy and impossible but i learned to accept it as the most meaningful expression of my autism (and my so called OCD)

The greatest and most-valuable understanding my wife and I have between us is that we do not understand each other, and that neither of us has any right to demand any understanding (only consideration) from the other. She explains herself to me as best she can whenever I ask, and I explain myself to her as best I can whenever she asks. The rest of the time, we each simply do our best to treat each other and to do for each other as we should, sans whining ... and that works! But, I must admit we do "cheat" a little in comparison to at least some others by now being on a common spiritual path after doing nothing but bumping heads for the first five years of our marriage!

Hmm. Someone who understands my moods and obsessions - impossible, even *I* don't understand them

that why u need someone else to do it for you
a true partner can reflect you in a way that would help you to understand yourself
that one of the main reasons we need others
otherwise i don't see much value in relationships
but that's me

one of the reasons AS have it so tough in the current society is that we get a distorted reflection from our social surrounding and consequently have a lot of difficulties in finding and developing our true identity
everybody needs a look from "outside" in order to get a complementary data that interpret him to completion and because of our unique identity we developed a strong deficit in this necessary requirment
my vision of love is me helping the other to understand himself and vice versa
that the dynamic and creative equality i expect from relationship and if can get it i prefer to die alone

I can entirely relate to that desire and thinking. I used to use the analogy that each person gave the other the key to their heart.

My husband won't even come here. He has registered here, I think twice and only posted once. I think it's his poor spelling that keeps him from coming here. He doesn't post often online because of it.

He doesn't know much about AS but already accepts me for what I am.

My English is crappy
My native language is Hebrew and as many autists i skipped school and did my best to learn on my own
I expect this forum to maintain a forgiving environment as many of us are dyslectic and have a lot of other traits that hinder a "proper" self expression
poor spelling should be a secret password to this forums as far as i'm concerned
i fell in love with my last GF because of her poor spelling
many AS are tuned to the sounds of the words on the expense of the accepted and proper logic
a quality i find very apealing

I appreciate those of you who have responded to this thread.
What has been added has already made me feel better that
this might be a good place for me to "talk" about things.

Hi Balancedliving. I am an "NT" and I am married to a man newly diagnosed with AS. It did not surprise me. I think we have a really good, strong, relationship. We work harder at it, but the benefits are also good.

I am here if you want to talk. I find many of the threads here very negative toward neurotypical folk, sometimes hostile even, and frankly I think 'neurotypical' is kind of silliness anyway. I'm certainly not typical, I'm quirky at best.

It must be a lot like a cross-cultural relationship--like, say, if somebody from America married somebody from China. You think differently, do things different ways, the communication's impaired, you don't have the same first language... and yet, people from China have successfully married people from America. It just takes more work on communication, from both sides.

Callista, to me that is exactly what it is like. Maybe I have an advantage, I studied anthropology in college. Anyway, Mark (my husband) just looks at things differently. When I was younger I dated guys from other cultures than mine and it was very similar feeling - - like "don't assume this has the same meaning for him as it does for me." In a cross-cultural relationship I might find myself explaining something like "This is meaningful for Americans because....." etc. With Mark, I find myself explaining different meanings. But, he also explains things to me and how they make sense to him and then I can carry that forward. OK, so to me, something may not have much meaning. But for him, it's really important. Anyway, I'm rambling.