Ex-Wife's Wild Behaviour

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I've got a personal situation that's got be completely baffled and I REALLY need some feedback.

My ex-wife had a date last night (2nd time this week), so I went over to babysit my kids.

She told me that she met this guy online a week ago and this would be their first meeting. She volunteered (I didn't ask) that she already had a "hot chat" session with him a couple days ago.

She told me that they were meeting at bar.

Before she walked out the door she says: "You made me a whore".

I go to sleep on the sofa and wake up at 5AM to do my cardio - she's still not home. Now I'm worried about her safety and how I'm going to explain to my children why their mother isn't home to get them ready for school.

She ended up walking in around 5:45AM (I was in the shower).

I'm not a prude, but this seems to me to be pretty sleezy behaviour for a mother of two young children.

My question: Why is she doing this?

1. Is she just enjoying her freedom after 8 years of marriage?
2. Is this self-destructive behavior I should be worried about?
3. Is she trying to hurt me?
4. Should I just ignore it?
5. ?!

How should I handle this?

Ladies? Do you have any insight?

I have no idea why she's acting the way she is.

About the "You made me a whore" statement, I would either ask her why she said that or tell her "I'm not making you do anything". This statement seems to me that she blames you for something, it might be a statement made to hurt you or it could be something else. Anyway, this statement doesn't sound healthy to me. Does she say this kind of thing a lot?

Thinking again, she may be trying to make you jelous as well. The whole hot chat thing, when you didn't ask, sounds like she's trying to pick a fight or make you jelous.

I hope other people have more clear insight to give you than me.

This definately means something...

I would say she's somehow been hurt by you and wants you to suffer.
What happened anyway, how did you guys separate? It's kinda hard to know what she could be feeling if I don't even know who dumped who? Was there another person or what?

If anything I think the two of you both stil care some way or the other. Any kind of energy (either positive or negative) you guys put into your relationship means you are not really split up yet, there is still something there. Love and hate are more alike then a lack of interest.

First off, it's not babysitting when they're your children, it's parenting. Babysitting is something you talk other people into doing, usually by paying them. If you let your kids hear you refer to taking care of them as babysitting, you're sending them a message that your involvement with them is comparable to that of a babysitter, not a father. Don't go there.



Her sex life stopped being your business when you split up. Keep your nose in your own business.

What is your business is childcare arrangements. The two of you need to be accurate and precise about when the changeover of care happens, setting such times in advance and sticking to them unless there is some kind of medical emergency. Don't accept arrangements where these times aren't spelled out in advance. Keep records of every changeover of care. If there turns out to be an ongoing documented problem with meeting changeover times, take legal action. But what she does with her private life when the children are under your care is none of your business.

I think what he means is they were supposed to be under her care at the time. It IS his business when they're supposed to be under her care and she bahaves in this manner. You would think she would take some responsibility when it comes to her life and put her children first when they're SUPPOSED to be under her care and not come home at 5am unless she can get up and be normal at 8 to get the children ready for school, which I'm assuming isn't the case OP?

When they are under his care and are supposed to be, you're right, what she does is none of his business.

My solution to this: In future don't come over and look after the kids so she can date. They are under her care at the time. She chooses to go on dates for her own pleasure. Make her pay for a babysitter. She stays out till 5am... she pays them till 5am. Easy. Bet it wont happen again after that.

First thing: this is important to you, please go seek some professional counselling/therepeutic advice, someone with experience in these issues. Talk to a genuine friend, even. But don't expect anthing resembling an insightful or compassionate answer from here. Here, there are too many grinding away at their own personal axes to be of any real help to you.


Hey, and why are you asking the ladies only? Do you really want replies totally biased towards letting your ex- do what the hell she wants and as a man, your only role is to suffer in silence? Already....

Here's my axe grinding:
Your children *are* your business and as a decent parent, it's natural that you will want to protect them as best you can. New partners/step parents are involved in more child abuse cases than blood relatives. It is normal to have concerns about the type of person your children *may* be getting involved with through the reckless, selfish actions of the other parent. I guess you just have to monitor it as best you can, without getting involved in your ex-s private life, but focussing only on what goes on around the children.

Surely you don't *have* to babysit while she's on a date? Shared parenting doesn't mean you have to let her walk all over you and humiliate you. Next time she asks, tell her you can't babysit that night because you're going out with a gorgeous slim young student you met in the park

It seems she blames you for the demise of your marriage, and subsequently blames the demise of your marriage for her promiscuous behavior?

Or... she meant it in a positive way? "Look what a sex kitten I am now" ??

Thanks for all the replies.

Obviously there's a lng back-story here, but it boils down to this:

I tolerated an abusive, one-sided relationship for years for the "sake of the children". Earlier this year, I decided that raising children in that environment was doing more harm than good, so I left.

So if you want to call that "dumping her", go ahead.

I'm really more concerned about the children, even if she hired a babysitter, it still wouldn't change her behavior - she can be promiscuous if she wants, but I really don't like her out drinking and driving with strange men she met on the Internet until the wee hours of the morning on a regular basis. It's only a matter of time before something terrible happens.

Also, if she's doing it to make me jealous, she's going to be bitterly disappointed - any feelings I had for her became extinct at some point - and I've told her this very bluntly many, many times.

It would be absolutely impossible for me to place any limits on her behavior by any sort of "punishment" - she has absolutely no limits on what she will do to get her way.

I guess I will just have to tolerate it, and hope that it passes - just like I did all those years while we were still married.

[HH: Don't get too hung up on the word "babysitter", I only use it because it helps people to understand the situation. I fully understand my responsibilities as a father.]

However improbable, it's still a nice thought!

Here is MY axe grinding, if you have read my response (unless I've been unclear), you will see that I don't think it's right what she is doing (I think it's unhealthy and damaging for all involved). I am a woman. Please don't make assumptions on what all women think and act. As my bf says a lot, assumptions cause strife that could be easily avoided and my Mum always says assumptions make an ass-out-of-you-and-me.

What is the custody arrangement for the kids between you and your ex-wife? And how is your ex-wife as a mother, other than these wild nights that she has?

It just seems like the less you have to deal with her, the better off you will be, especially if you think her behavior is likely leading to something destructive. My concern is how adversely affected the kids will be from all of this.

Responsibility topic

Looks like Mom wanted a free babysitter. And she knew she could come in late and not worry that the sitter had left.

If this is a pattern, you could try for custody. My ex-spouse is financially irresponsible, and this is why the children do not live with him.

Keep detailed notes of her behaviour. Your kids deserve to have a mature parent.

Okay so you are the 'dumper', so to speak. Chances are, she is very angry and feels pretty humiliated.

You also sound quite angry.

This is not a good situation. you are behaving aggressive towards eachother (either passively or actively) and aggression between parents make kids feel like they are in the middle of a warzone. The longer the war lasts, the bigger their chances of developing PTSD or whatever else.

You probably split up so you could go your own way, not to keep on being emtionally attached wich you are at this point.

So go your own way. Take your kids home if you want to see them, you can even file for custody if you really believe they will be mistreated by the ex somehow.

Just ask yourself what you would do if you already had a new girlfriend; would you 'babysit' your kids at your ex's house, spend the night and shower at her place? You're new gf probably wouldn't put up with that now would she? Sure; you can say you have a new partner if this helps you with keeping the ex at a healthy distance. Telling the ex how wonderful and pretty your new gf is is just another act of aggression, don't go there.

Yes you are hurt, yes you probably want to hurt her. DON'T though. Look ahead at what is best for you and the kids. If there is one role in life where you should take full responsibility it is in the role of a parent.

>>Update

Thanks you guys for all the replies, just to clarify, we have no formal schedule for child visitation, and this has never been a problem. The children would normally be with their mother on a school night and I agreed to go over to her house and be with the children while she went out.

My ex called me at work a few minutes ago, she acted like nothing was wrong, wondered why I sounded upset, and chastised me for my terse tone of voice.

Turns out that she was in "no condition" (her words) to take the children to school today (big surprise).

Since I couldn't talk out loud, I wrote her the following e-mail (names redacted):

She has otherwise been a really good mother (her abuse was directed exculsively at me), but now I feel like a father trying to reign in a wayward teenager - our custody arrangements have been very satisfactory thus far and I really don't want to change them.

Everything would have been fine if she had gotten home earlier and took the kids to school.

He is not being aggressive, the OPs first post was to ask why she (his ex) was acting the way she was. He ended the relationship because it wasn't healthy for him and his kids to live with the negitivity she was sending his way. She is now, it seems, trying to hurt him (the OP). The date was a first meeting of a guy the ex met online (not a boyfriend). The OP has at no point said anything about hurting her, he's worried about her behaviour and wants to understand why she's acting this way.

LA: Thanks for making that clear, seems like I was unable to.

I don't feel any anger or aggression towards her whatsoever except for the perfectly appropriate dismay at what she did last night.

Sometimes I feel tempted to make a snarky remark, but I absolutely refuse to because of the children. whenever she goes out, I tell the children she is out with her "friends" - never on a date, seeing her boyfriend, etc.

After venting here, I realize that I care a little too much about judging her personal behavior. She is an adult, she can do whatever she wants (unless it affects the children.).

She stayed out too late, that's it - what she did and why is not my concern.