Going Crazy

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I don't know why I am so obsessed with this forum and with autism spectrum disorders. I come home from school every day and the first thing I do is to grab some food and check WrongPlanet. It seems to me that the reason why I revisit ASDs (and WrongPlanet is intriguing because it is a raw source, unbiased, with real people on the spectrum talking about their real experiences) is because I am trying to establish what is it exactly separates autistics from non-autistics.

I also keep wondering whether I actually have AS. I am just so enthusiastic and energetic all the time. In class, I can't sit still without saying something for a long time. The general psychiatrist whom I saw 6 months ago, I found out, didn't give me a referral to where they can diagnose me because she thinks that there is nothing wrong with me. But many people say that they are not satisfied with her, and she basically did not know anything about Asperger's other than the name. My mom insists that I have AS. But... the typical image of an autistic is withdrawn and inactive, yet I am the opposite. Yes, I often blurt out things that are insensitive and realizing it later, but can't it just be my personality? I also obsess over things and procrastinate, but my mom does that too, and she's neurotypical. I also don't have any learning difficulties. I used to have problems with math but got over it. I've just met someone yesterday who just cannot do math at all-now that's a learning disability, and something that she really suffers from.

I've tried convincing myself that I don't have AS for one year, then I sort of gave in and recognized that I have it, but now I'm beginning to doubt it again. This doubt makes me obsess over it to a substantially greater degree than before, and I can't bring myself to concentrate on anything else again.

There are people out there saying that AS is an extreme of normal. When there are people out there saying that I am normal, I think to myself whether I am worrying over nothing. But I am forgetful. I am clumsy, and have problems with visual-spatial perception. Sometimes I might look for something for hours when it was right under my nose because I concentrate on individual objects too much and focus on a limited number of objects at a time. My dad often calls me "blind" because of this. I also have abnormal sleep patterns; I like staying up late into the night and become more willing at night to do the schoolwork that I have no motivation to do during the day. During schooltime, because I have to wake up early, my sleeping problems cause me to be very tired during the day, which makes it even harder for me to listen to the teacher, to organize my thoughts, and to grasp the big picture instead of focusing on detail. In short, sleeping problems exaggerate the traits that I found many people with AS have in common with me, traits that sometimes really interfere with my life. When tired, I become more sensitive to sensory stimuli, which aggravates my anxiety and when in this state, it gets much harder for me to switch tasks and to stop reverting back to my special interests when doing schoolwork.

But I don't know how much other people have in common with me. Maybe they suffer from the same problems as I do. I wonder why I am so obsessed with autism. I wonder what keeps me coming back to this forum. I've never been so active on an online forum before – the maximum post count that I've ever had on an online forum was a little bit over 100.

I do not want to use AS, or any other condition, as an excuse, but there has been something radically different about me ever since I've been a child. Some things are uncommon for an autistic – for example, I've always been very independent, as in, doing everything on my own. But what caused me to become independent was my hatred of having someone else being around me, caring for me, and touching my stuff. I've always needed my space. I've always wanted to be left alone, because people are unpredictable. Even now, I thrive on routine. But I still do everything on my own. I manage my life on my own. People have told me that I am very insightful and mature beyond my age, but then my life gets out of hand because of my forgetfulness, my sleep problems, or just me being preoccupied with the wrong things. Sometimes, I just sit there stimming and can't concentrate on my work – but many people get distracted while doing their work, and I always end up completing more work that is high quality. And then I feel like I'm just deceiving myself in thinking that I have a condition.

So, I'm beginning to question whether I'm really autistic or if it's all just my personality. After all, many people probably have trouble organizing their lives. But again, how would I know? I'm really confused about where the neurotypical ends and where the autistic begins.

I'm out of my mind. Never in my life have I had a fixation as all–consuming as this. For some reason, two weeks ago, I became obsessed with the idea of buying the book Haze by Kathy Hoopmann. I bought it and then read it, even though I have read it before. Now I have a strong temptation to read it again... don't know why... maybe because I can identify with the character so much... but really... am I crazy or what?

You sound a lot like me. I'm very extroverted as well.

Sounds like you havent been going to the right people for diagnosis. Are there any AS specialists in your area?

At any rate what could help the fixation on ASDs in the meantime, is to try and look for new interests. Research new topics and try and spend more time with them, it doesnt happen overnight though, so give it time...

Yea sounds like you need to see the right people.

I have AS and ADHD

How do you do when you are outside of your comfort zone?

I've seen quite a few AS folks become comparatively extroverted and talkative when within their comfort zone.

I am very much like you in that. Although, my introversion and extroversion seems to jump alot, in that suddenly I can feel like talking, and after a while I sink back into it again. I'm unpredictable. xD

Still, I've done really the same... but I tried stubbornly to prove my family wrong, I felt so different from the rest of my brothers who enjoy cars, are probably much more extroverted than I am, among other things, but eventually realised I am just more of a academic thinker like that.

I could never really see Autism in myself though, still feel like that and kept looking at the past, feeling sometimes like I had it, and somehow it felt like I would never be accepted by my family after my diagnosis, but I kept checking for signs and anything similar like that. I got very depressed too, almost to the point of suicidal thoughts because I just couldn't stand feeling like it anymore. I wanted to be accepted so bad, and even though I were reassured I weren't, I still felt paranoid that my family just said it to make me feel better.

Somehow though, perhaps they never really saw me as Autistic and it weren't anything to whine about at all... but wether I am or not anymore, I could hardly care less.

Screw them if people see me as wrong and indifferent, screw all the ignorance I felt about my individuality and what me myself, in the end... I am just myself, and Autism is nothing more than a diagnosis. It doesn't cover all of me, it never will, because I am me. Autism doesn't make what I am.

That's how it goes though, but as much as you reading that book and visiting this forum is totally natural. It's just a interest in you, and even neurotypical or however you would consider them get just as obsessive about things.

Thanks, vaedrian. I am so happy that there are so many like-minded people here. I also used to try to fit in with painful results. Now that I know that at least there are some people who I can identify with, I gave up. Having a group of people where you fit in already means that you're not a complete weirdo anymore. It has helped me to accept myself so that I could get on with life, concentrating on the things that are actually important to me. I don't need to surround myself with popular people in order to be happy.

ADHD in itself I believe can vary from person to person.

I don't know if I have AS either, or PDD-NOS. I fit a lot of the symptoms.. and I visit this site almost every single day, kinda looking and hoping to see if someone will say something.. and i'll be like "Oh that clicks".

I'm extroverted in the sense, that I like talking to people and i'm fine with talking to people who I have a rapport with, i'm even fine talking to people that i'm comfortable with. But it usually requires them talking about something that I like (Video games, psychology, sociology, philosophy etc)

In grades 1st thru 4th I only really socially interacted with one really good friend, with a couple of acquaintances. I never got along with anyone, was always picked on and bullied. Praised by my family for being apparently smart for my age, with horrible hand writing which was actually criticized by my kindergarden teacher.

In 4th I did make friends in my neighborhood, ONLY because my cousin had intervened as to how to go about talking to people. My friendships I maintained.. but I got into a physical fight with my best friend and also with another friend. I also got into a physical fight with some kid on my bus stop. Who I also became friends with.

In 5th grade I tested myself to see if I could make friends, and it worked. I got very popular, people liked to talk to me, it was almost everything I wanted. In 6th grade I changed schools, tried the same approach, and got teased and picked on.

I started to be really quiet, I can't tell if its anxiety.. or social difficulty.. or both. My mom had horrendous social anxiety when she was in school, but she doesn't have AS. She's completely focused, knows how to make eye contact, socialize (even tho its 1 sided) etc.

Anyway.. sorry to rant, just I kinda knew how you felt here. I'm 23 and it feels like I have SO much trouble organizing my life, I don't know if its because i'm depressed, or because I don't care. I don't know if its ADHD, AS, or both of these. I don't feel the need to talk in class all the time but I always feel kind of excluded. As much as i'd love to talk, i'd rather be left alone then messed with.

I am very extraverted and often cant stop talking as well