Almost committed suicide

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Two days ago, I almost committed suicide. I was overwhelmed with feelings that I was a freak and that things would never get better for me and that I would end up a cat lady or a hoarder. I was this close to drinking a bottle of codeine-laced tylenol. I held it in my hand and thought how if I only drank it, I could just go to sleep and not have to deal with all this stuff anymore. But then this other part of me told me not to do it, and I had an internal struggle. Eventually, I called the county suicide prevention hotline and some counsellers came to talk to me. I'm not feeling suicidal now, but I know I will in the future and I'm scared.

The feeling of wanting to commit suicide is quite intense but also temporary. The latter part is difficult to consider when the suicidal thoughts kick into gear. I think it just takes a lot of will power to get past those temporary moments of suicidal thoughts. I've tried contacting suicidal hotlines many times and even spent the night in a mental ward. They dont really do anything for you but get you past the temporary will to kill yourself in your head for 1-3 hours. I dunno why, but I sometimes feel kinda stupid for calling these people after the suicidal thoughts or attempts have passed. But I guess it gets the job done of keeping you alive for those critical few hours.

Now I just try to get past it and focus my thoughts elsewhere with something I would enjoy or will keep me occupied or just eat something or take a nap or whatever. I may not wake up a whole lot better the next morning but the thoughts and wills from the night before will have likely lessened.

So I guess my point being is that I've been there (back in college)...and I'm willing to accept my future as a crazy cat lady. Besides, if I dont love those cats...who else will?

My wife passed away in 1996,
heart problems.
my brother didn't ever get
married, so aside from the 1
cousin and 1 sister that did
do the family thing, we are
all that is left in this shrivling
bloodline.

I tried to off myself once way
abck 20 some years ago, I tried
grabbing ahold of some high voltage
probes I had set up in my room,
but it just knocked me across the
room.

My brother and me are both catboys.
Me and brother love our 3 sweet
muffable kittypusses who come in
our rooms at night, burrow under
the blankets, and put their cold
little kittipads on my leg.

I got a feeling my brother and me
will be 2 old mad scientist catboys,
living in the lab with our cat assistants
but i think we are ok with that.

I agree with raisedbyignorance--for me suicide is a temporary, albeit recurring, problem. Usually it's intense and short.

Taking a nap, going to bed early, watching a favorite movie, picking up a new book, favorite foods... all of those help me when feelings of suicide come.

The best thing for me to get rid of it was exercise. Running a lot immensely helped, and improved my quality of sleep.

Hope this helps, and suicide is a horrible feeling.

If you're ever feeling down and need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.

--David

I am so sorry to hear your pain.
I am actually a cat lady and a hoarder, and older than you, so the pretty part of my life went by without me noticing it. I'm trying very slowly to clear the hoard bit. I was so proud of how I'd set up systems to keep the house clean with the cats, but have found out the in the last few months that friends don't find it very clean. Am really gutted about that, really unexpected, sort of thinking you were an "A" student and finding out that you're really an "E" student.

Can you remember any good moments, to hold in your head when you're feeling so bad? I'm trying to find some for those moments, and I know they must exist somewhere in my head.

I was suicidal years ago and my life is so much better now.

I'm glad I didn't do it when I wanted to because things are so much better for me today.

Hang in there-- what helped me was to stop handling it all alone and to keep reaching out to those who were offering support and to keep learning and keep asking for help.

I also had to learn to question my negative (depressed) view of everything and to develop the faith (through study and practice) that there were solutions (and that there was/is hope) that I might be able to see but was there regardless just out of my sight.

The definition of faith is believing in what you can not see.

I'm not talking about religion here, but I am talking about faith in positive outcomes and even a positive force in the universe that can work for us when we get out of the way.

Very best! Hang in there!