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Hi,

I'm so glad I found this forum! My 6 y.o. daughter is going to be evaluated next month. Long story short, based on her behaviors and mannerisms, we think she may be diagnosed with Asperger's.

My husband and I don't always follow what the mainstream powers that be, so to speak, would have us do. I'm homeschooling her now, and she's doing great with her academics, definitely working above her grade level. Up until a few months ago, she enjoyed doing "extracirricular" activities with her friends and other children- playground get-togethers, children's classes, etc. Now she refuses to do "any extra things", as she calls it, and our attempts to try activities have failed. When I ask her why she doesn't want to do activities anymore, she keeps repeating "I only want to be homeschooled and I don't want to do anything extra."

I don't want to force her to do anything she doesn't want to do or that she'll hate. I'm not the most social person in the world, so in a way I'm fine with not doing much. But then, the pediatrician and other professionals say that she needs practice with social situations to survive in life. I kind of see their point, but a large part of me wants to rebel against this belief.

So, my question is this- If you preferred to play alone, and not be around other kids when you were younger, did you really wish your parents had left you alone, and not pushed you? Or, in retrospect, do you think it was good to be pushed? I figure those who lived the experience would know best.

I hope this makes sense. I'm feeling kind of confused about all of this lately.

Thanks in advance!

Early on, like around ages 3-5, my parents pushed me to interact with other kids my age. I was able to learn the very basic social skills, which are a necessity. However, between ages 9-14, I was capable of deciding how I wanted to socialize - and I wished they had left me the hell alone.

So I guess I'm not much help.

You may push a little, but do not punish. I went through phases from about 5 through high school and beyond where I wanted nothing to do with people... and there are periods where I still don't. I wanted to skip grades and home school so I could escape the discomfort and confusion around me, to focus on what interested me instead of their agendas. My parent(s) kept encouraging me. It was hell at times. I also learned a lot of how to cope from those experiences. Either approach has drawbacks; use an easy hand would be my suggestion.


M.

Just to clarify, has your daughter always shown these behaviors and mannerisms that are leading you to suspect AS, or is this a relatively new development? I'm just asking, because I noticed that you said she just recently showing socially avoidant behavior, and she used to enjoy activities with friends. I'm just wondering if something happened that's making her not want to socialize all of a sudden. You might want to look into that. Whether or not your daughter has AS, it sounds to me like there might be something deeper going on emotionally.
If she does have AS, it's possible that other children have been teasing her for her social differences. She is getting to an age where children start noticing differences. I was seven, just a year older than your daughter, when things started really getting ugly for me socially. I started to really withdraw socially from that time on.
As I see it, there's two questions you want to make it a priority to find answers to: Naturally you want to find out whether or not she actually has AS. It sounds like you're already working on that, so you're on the right track there. You also want to find out if anything else happened or has been happening that's causing her to want to avoid socialization. If she had always been socially avoidant, that would be one thing. What concerns me is the fact that this seems to have just started recently. It's possible that she's just entering into a less social phase developmentally, but I wouldn't just assume anything like that. You definitely want to look more into what might be causing the change in your daughter's feelings about socialization. Once you have a more complete picture regarding exactly what's going on with your daughter emotionally and developmentally, it will be easier to figure out how to proceed.
I will offer some general suggestions for now, which you should feel free to use, or not use as you see fit. On one hand, your daughter would be best served learning some social skills to get by in life, and the best way to learn social skills is through practice. On the other hand, you don't want to push her too much. I know that I need time away from people to relax and recharge my mental batteries, otherwise I get overwhelmed, and it becomes increasingly difficult for me to function.
Thus, your best bet is to encourage some socialization, but in small doses. Perhaps your daughter could do social activities a couple of times a week, an hour or two each time. What are her interests. Does she have any specal interests? Most individuals on the spectrum do. Perhaps you could get her involved in some structured activity related to her interests. She might be more willing to try socialization when it revolves around something she's seriously interested in.
I hope that helped. I apologize if I said too much. The education and development of young children are a special interest of mine. Thus, I tend to have a lot to say when those topics come up, and I don't always know when to stop. In any case, I'm done "talking" for now.

Last edited by OuterBoroughGirl on 07 Dec 2009, 10:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My mother was constantly pushing me to do social things and it drove me crazy. I can remember being four years old and hiding behind a tree in hopes that she wouldn't make me go to ballet class. I didn't like ballet, I didn't like the other kids and I just wanted to stay at home with my dad. When I became old enough to explain why I didn't like doing dance, my mom still encouraged me to do something social, but she allowed me to make it something I was interested in. I still would have rather been left alone, but getting to choose helped a lot.

Please don't force your daughter (it doesn't help), but there's nothing wrong with providing her opportunites for socialization (like a park district catalog if you live in an area that provides those services-- see if there's anything in there she might choose to do). Even if it's something through a homeschool co-op, like a monthly field trip (particularly if it's on a topic she likes).

I just know that any time my mom forced me to be social (my dad never did, he was happy to have me as his shadow when he was around) it just succeeded in stressing me out and often making me very angry. My best advice is to give her some choices for things to do and see if she wants to do any of them. If not, drop it for a time, but keep the options open.

I surprised the heck out of my mom as a kid and chose to play soccer. It was actually perfect, since at the time, all the other players were boys. Boys made more sense to me than girls (still do!) and the only touching was deep pressure (being knocked down and knocking down). It was perfect and it taught me how to work with other people to reach a goal (which turned out to be never winning a game for four years straight) and how to play by the rules. I played until I reached the age where I had to play on an all-girls team and they all decided that I was strange. It turns out that boys don't care if you knock them down when they insult you, but pre-teen girls get a little grumpy when you don't play their strange, strange games and instead try to push them off their feet-- especially when you're a scrawny little thing half the size of anyone else, but are still able to knock everyone else down.

I hope this was in some way helpful. Bottom line: Encourage, but do not force.

I don't have AS (pretty sure I'm just a run-of-the-mill nerd) but I am introverted by nature. FWIW, my parents homeschooled me (this was in the '80s, before everyone started, so basically, homeschool, zero extra stuff!) and I wish they hadn't. I have ADHD (which has some areas that overlap with AS, like talking until you're told to hush up, and missing "cues") and feel incompetent socially, and I'm never sure what people are expecting, conversation-wise. In hindsight I feel my discomfort as a standoffish kid in school would have been mitigated by the valuable "practice" school affords for socializing. Yeah, schoolkids are awful. But they'll still be awful when they grow up to be your co-workers or run the PTA. It'd be good to know what people expect of you instead of having to "wing it" and invariably annoying everyone (me, I mean -- not saying Aspies are annoying!). If you're homeschooling, I think some sort of activity is crucial. Maybe find three clubs, sports, etc. that center around her interests and offer her a "choice" between them.

Easy question, just my opinion

Recreational activities - Encourage but don't force.

Independent living skills though, are another thing altogether, and in that case, more pushing I think is a help.

They could both tie in together - a cooking group.

Lots of great insights, here, thank you!

I should probably clarify that she wasn't super social before, just happy to do things with other kids, like playing or being in a "class." Before about age 4, she had little interest in playing other kids for the most part, then from 4 to 5 years she became very interested in playing with other kids. She's an only child and started asking for a sibling around that time as well.

She only turned six last month. I think part of what's happened is as she approached age six, she started to realize that she can't keep up with kids her age. For example, when they're running on the playground, she can't keep up because she's much slower than them. Also she doesn't always want to play what they're playing, has problems communicating, etc. But at the same time, she's not always interested in playing with the younger kids. She has a lot of contact with younger kids when we go to homeschooling events since usually siblings are included everywhere because none of them are in school.

I only wish my mum had pushed me, instead of just letting me give up on everything I took on. I might not avoid everything I get anxious about now, as an adult. I would also know how to play various instruments. In fact, I would probably have done better in school if she'd pushed me.

I guess I just need the pressure.

I was not pushed at all unless you count going to public school. Overall, I like myself. I think I turned out okay. But be careful about using this (or any other testimonial you reel in here): She is not any of us and we are as unique as the snowflakes falling from the sky.

After the school years started, I was driven by a tremendous Need to Know. I HAD to understand why popular people were popular, for example. I was forced (by myself) to experiment with social situations and people in an effort to figure out what "worked" and what "didn't work". It never made sense how I could be so supposedly preternaturally "smart" and be completely unable to be socially accepted. I think an early DX of AS (which didn't formally exist back in my childhood) would have crippled me. I would have had my answer and never needed to strive to learn the scripted behaviors that work so well for me now (again, MY perception). She may or may not have this drive.

Ultimately, all that matters at the end of the day is that you tried your best to be a good parent. If you do, then this will show in your child. Maybe you pushed when you should have pulled and vice-versa, but you'll develop a feel for what she will accept as you learn from each other.

I still remember the happiness when I grew up enough to tell my parents that I don't want to attend some of the family gatherings. Although I wasn't pushed that much they would arrange my vacation with some of the other kids from the family and I didn't like it at all. I liked visiting some people though.

Anyway, my 2 c would be that it depends on a child and how she learns. For me (and my son) standard teaching of skills doesn't do anything. The best way for us is to show something and than give time and space for processing. If I push, it just causes frustaration and withdrawal. He mulls things in his head and and needs to chew it on his own. Both my hubby and I are that way too.

Also I need to point out something, it was a great thing for me when I reduced the number of people around me. Yes, I know socializing is useful but for me it carries emotional burden because I tend to pick up negative feelings and problems. So the only way to survive is to avoid reading the news and limit the number of people around me.


It seems that your daughter is very reasonable person. At that age she recognizes that she has to do and what not. I think it is shows that she understands herself and world much better than most of her peers.

Thank you everyone for your wise words.

My mom tried to make me socilize but I wouldn't. She tried a gym program for homeschooled kids at the YMCA but there was a very mean boy who chased me all the time and made me sprain my ankle running from him and the swim instuctor was too forceful and demanding. I had a phobia of jumping into the deep end of the pool and I saw her making the other kids do it. She yanked me out of the pool previously to walk to the deep end when I was going to swim. I was afraid she would push me into the pool or something so I ran to find my mom at the gym in tears and told my mom what was going on. She went and told the instructor to lay off of me and leave me alone. She could never find a good match for me and eventualy gave up and let me focus on my accidemics and art. I always got on much better with adults. Where in adult life are you forced to interact with 30+ people of your own age? Let her socolize on her own terms.

This may not work but maybe she'd be more interested in socializing if involved something she was keenly interested in or liked... like going to the zoo with another family if she's into animals, or to an icecreamery if that's one of her favourite treats. One of the main reasons I had for avoiding other children at that age was lack of common interest, even if you just end up with some kind of parallel play or parallel enjoyment of something (like a mutually enjoyed cartoon) it's at least a start

I am a parent with Aspergers.

I did always do extra curricular activities. Not only that but my mom used to make playdates and encourage me to go out with friends even when I didn't want to. In hindsight this is where I learned to make small talk, to talk to NT peers and many other skills. I didn't always like it, but I do appreciate that it was very important. And aspies aren't always solitary by nature. Sometimes you can be very lonely alone at home, but still afraid of socialising.

Perhaps get to the bottom of why she doesn't want to do an activity, or find something really unusual that she'd like? If it is that she is finding socialising hard right now then maybe you can help her with that?

My baby is tiny yet, and no idea if she is an aspie or not. But I know one thing. If need be (if she bullied etc) I will home school her, but I will be sure to send her to extra curriculars to help her socialise and see how children her own age are behaving and to have friends so she is not lonely. But that is just how I intend to do it.

I didn't want anyone around from 5 y-old to 16 y-old. I think is pretty common. I'm not completly sure that learning how to deal with children helps to deal with adults when you are adult.