Responding to "Hi, How Are You?"

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I still have difficulty with this and I wonder if this has been difficult for anyone here.

For years, I never understood the importance or significance when someone says "hi, how are you?" that you're supposed to say the exact same back. This has been difficult in crazy environments. I discussed this in another thread before but what if you're just passing by and trying to get to class or something. You dont got time to hear how their day is, but I wont block their existence entirely. I at the very least say "hi" but I never understood why I have to say "how are you?" back when you dont have time for it.

I had a lot of NTs get on my sh*t for this.

I mean, I am trying to make it a habit now to do that but I still feel it's kinda dumb.

I probably should've put this as #1 on my "10 things I dont get about NT". I think I probably will actually.

Thoughts?

It may very well be pointless and dumb but it is to your advantage to go along with it. I'm all about stress reduction and the way I look at it it's easier just to say fine than to have to deal with people who are offended when you don't respond. It's just a different way of saying "There you are-I'm going to acknowledge your existence". Nobody really expects you to say anything other than fine. I was in an office (I clean) and heard one of the office worker's say "fine" into the phone. Obviously the person at the other end had asked "how are you?" Well I happened to know his father had just been killed in an automobile accident. He didn't want to talk it about with a business associate so he just said "fine".

I Know what you mean!
And you are expected to say the same back... even when you don't care. It seems so unnartural and forced. Why do people want to "know how I am"? Why would I want to "Know how they are"? And isn't the answers always "Good" or "fine".
Because I take things literal I have a hard time with "How are you"... My teachers will ask me this and I will pause for a moment, trying to think about "how I really am", but I usually end up just saying "fine" and then they ALWAYS say "I don't believe you"....

In anycase, when I was 11 years old, when ever another student whould say "Hi, how are you?" to me, I would always just yelp. I can't remember why.

I'm good about saying fine but I'm not good about asking how someone else is unless I really want to know. It seems false. It depends on the situation. If it's in passing I'll just say fine, even if it's not true.

It's just seen as a friendly thing to say by NTs who don't really think about what they're actually saying or doing. These people probably also really go in for brand names and other shallow things. Here in London, strangers that you'll never see again will happily say "See you later" in place of "Goodbye". Doh.

Sometimes I go along with it, and just say "Fine" for an easy life. But when I have more energy, I say "You probably don't really want to know", which makes me feel better, because it's the truth, and it leaves the ball in their court. I have SOOOO much to say and if the NT really wants to know, then that door is opened. But if the NT is playing silly facetious "I-want-to-say-meaningless-things-that-make-me-look-good-and-caring-but-don't-really-mean-it", then at least I get the satisfaction that I haven't played their silly game of pretending.

... A lot of NTs don't tend to like me on a bad day.

In my experience, people expect you to say "fine" or "ok" or something equally ambiguous...tho I'm not sure how one word can accurately describe how a person is feeling, in which case you might as well not bother answering the question in the first place, but there you go...


"what if you're just passing by and trying to get to class or something. You dont got time to hear how their day is..."

Well social convention dictates that you have too care or you are a heretic..

In any case people can talk endlessly for hours and still not get to the point of how they feel so it probably doesn't matter anyway


Bye

Someone who ask me how are you.
On a very good day I might say something like
"Kicking turds and picking boogers!!"

If I'm not well I say so.

I don't usually talk to strangers but
with those at the grocery store and
so forth, I just say "ok" and go on.

On the other paw, if I am saying it
in a language other than English
I tend to do better with the usual
responces, not sure why.

Just say "well" or "fine" and then say "and you?"

If you don't have time to chat, just keep walking but turn to face them to hear the answer. Then say "see you later" or something along those lines. It's not really about starting an at length discussion - it's more of a traditional greeting.

This practice is just a greeting, and it is considered polite. It's basicly an acknowledgement of the other persons existence in your space/area, and is used so you do not look as though you are ignoring them, or looking self absorbed or rude.

"fine" is an automatic response, but you don't have to say "how are you?" back, you can just say "I'm doing good, thank you", smile at them and leave it at that and go about your business. If you do not say "how are you?" back they won't expect you to converse because you are not inviting conversation, but you are being polite in return by acknowledging their greeting.

The people who really want to know how you are doing are people that are your friends, or maybe someone who has not seen you in a long time and is truely interested. You will know if they are because it will be someone that you have or had some kind of relationship with. If you have not, the person doesn't really expect a conversation, they are just being polite.

You are probably just overthinking the process.

My thoughts on this is to respond in accordance with how close you are with the person, or how much time you want to spend with them. Generally, when an acquaintance or co-worker asks how I am, I say fine, but if I feel like being chatty with them I'll use it as an opening i.e.: "Good, but I'm really confused about <insert topic here>. What do you think?"

On the flip side, I try to only say it to people I might want to converse with. I find a lot of people will start complaining about their health or their day if asked how they are. They probably look at it as if I care, but quite frankly, I expected a "Fine, thank you" and wasn't prepared to be bombarded with personal information. I try to keep mental notes of who not to say this to, but sometimes I slip.

I have difficulty with "how are you?" as well. I dislike feigning interest. I dislike using greetings and farewells as well in most situations. That said, I still end up using them to avoid being rude.

Seems this discussion comes up about once a week. I think its common for the naturally introverted to feel that these seemingly meaningless little social amenities are an annoying intrusion, even a ceaseless barrage of unwelcome social expectation, but they do serve a purpose.

To illustrate, let's imagine waking up one day in a Twilight Zone where 'Please', 'Thank You', 'Hello how are you' and 'Would you mind', have never existed. When entering a room, you are only expected to say "(Your name) has entered the room", so no one turns around and bumps into you.

Sounds like heaven, eh? But after awhile, it might begin to feel as if people were intentionally ignoring you. Eventually you might wonder if they were snubbing you out of some unspoken hostility, or whether perhaps you smelled bad. Without some telepathic hive mentality, you might even start to become paranoid and wonder whether they were conspiring against you. The roaring silence would become a threatening growl. Alternatively, you might begin to question whether you actually exist, or ultimately whether you should.

Humans need acknowledgment. Even humans as nonsocial as most Autistics need to feel on occasion, that our presence has some cognitive impact on person(s) other than ourselves. It may be true that most of the people who ask "How are ya?" don't really care to know the details, "fine" is plenty - sometimes I just shrug and say: "eh". I know they don't want to hear my woes, but its nice that they noticed I was there. It's the ones who stop to shake my hand and pepper me with questions I wasn't prepared to answer that drive me crazy.

I hate it when people ask me that question. I just tell people that I'm doing fine. Half of the people tell me that I don't look fine. I just tell them that I'm alive.