husbands behavior... any thoughts

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I dont know how to put this any other way but I think My husband has some developmental problem he has never learned to deal with sucessfully or he is a class a JERK .. But even after years of Nt hell I think there is this great man hidden in there and I cant seem to get to come out for long ...

here are some of the Unusual bahaviors I have seen through the years... can you please tell me if you think this could be a spectrum issue - Our daughter is 4 and showing signs also so know I am really wondering..

He is extremely kind and compassionate one minute and off the wall distant the next -

he is very "odd socially" I had a few friends over and found him curled up in the bedroom on the floor saying no one really wanted him there?

He has a hard time with jobs since his goal is absolute perfection this means things "take him way too long" and he does not understand why his attention to detail is not appreciated by the world of commerce.

he would not come to dinner when we were first married " he said we did not ask him so he was not welcome"

He refused to go to my daughters graduation party and wedding because "he was not invited" which I begged him to be at on both occasions.

he is extremely Funny - but can go over the 'limit often" and does nto know when to stop and not be humourous. in situations that is not appropriate - at a wedding of one of his friends he was in the back row and when they kissed he says "EWWWWW" really loud.

through the years many have thought he was "off" they even said he lived on his own planet .. he just did not "get it" basic 101 's of life

he can bore you to tears talking about somethings ... with no conversation.

If you ask him where is he from "his parents" will be his answer

I took him to his favorite restaurant once for dinner - He refused - to go inside oh... these are just a few things that flew off my memories... there is so much more..

we often kidded about the fact that he should write a book on how to turn off your wife in 4 seconds as a joke book since he was so good at it ... he has an accute sense of smell.
he often speaks his mind with bad social consequencces and cant understand why no one will be patient enough to find out what he really meant...

etc etc etc
..

ok your turn ... does any of this ring a bell to anyone here?

Last edited by arielrose on 12 Dec 2009, 12:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

jeez this guy sounds messed or something

and I thought i knew some hard to be near people
god
I've heard of things like that, it was never tolerated by my friends and family
and thank god it wasn't

I am no good at advice I just thought I'd voice my...nonsense

nevermind

that's really funny.

me, as well.

yes, a little. i mean, i usually didn't know if i was really invited, if i wasn't explicitly told. i am the same way today. it's just me, but rarely do i take it personally. it was a bit of a different story in high school, though. my, that was awkward. how is he at food shopping? i prefer the corner store, even if it's a bit more expensive, just because the lights are dimmer, the space smaller, and the noise level much lower. nothing like playing "bumper carts," haha.

like, being immature when it wasn't ok? hmmm. i have acted "immature," but in my eyes, i was hanging out with somewhat childish people. yet, i guess when you step "out of character," perse, people don't like that?

perhaps he doesn't realize he is acting this way. maybe you can sit down and talk everything out with him. i'm absolutely no psychiatrist, but he sounds like he has some issues to be worked out. i mean, i could be wrong, you seem to know him to the t. ah well, good luck. i hope you find what you are looking for.

I think you need to go deeper into these:

You need to figure out why he doesn't think he was invited. Is it because he didn't receive any kind of written invitation or something else. This seems like a communication issue that needs to be ironed out.



Again - why? Did he go along with it until you got there? Or were you trying to surprise him?



Has this changed? Does he understand he's always welcome at the dinner table? I would probably over-emphasize that not only is he welcome at the table, but that you desire his company at dinner.



What do you do when this happens? Does he gravitate toward an obsession? Or get lost in his own mind? Maybe his brain is churning on a problem or something?


I would ignore most of the social quirks. If the behavior gets out of control, I'd tell him that people don't appreciate jokes at weddings, etc.




IMHO, this makes you sound like the grade A jerk. If your husband has a hard time in social environments, it's likely he can't pick up the social cues to know when you're joking. A lot of people w/ AS will take everything literally - even if you start (and finish) with "Hey I'm just joking, but...". STOP DOING THIS. He may think that by spending time with you (at dinner, with friends, etc) he's turning you off all the time. He may think the "right" thing to do (if he cares about you) is to be distant because you've told him this.

Actually if he does have ASD then you are correct I have not handled MANY things as I should have that is the whole point of me asking you these questions.

He thinks He is normal - just different - everyone his whole life has said there was something wrong - or very off many thought he was bi-polar but that never fix

the more research I have done about my daughters unusual behavior - the more I see her dad explained. and then I KNOW I have been treating him as an adult like the rest of us not a man with a special need.

I would like him to get tested but I am not sure how an adult can get tested.

we are currently separated and have been for many years - but deep down we both on some twisted level dont want to let go ...

If there is a chance that this is IT I am more then willing to learn HOW to talk to him. so he hears.

I know he has to have emotional issues on top of this he was very neglected as a child - he was "odd" and has obsessions with flashlights - vitamins - nothing is ever good enough he always has to improve everthing . (which frankly drive me nuts)

so you can see there are lots of things that would have to be worked out

But I am trying to see if it is possible he has never been diagnosed and his life has been much harder then it ever needed to be.

Some of the things he does sound a little like me.

From what you wrote:

He has a hard time with jobs since his goal is absolute perfection this means things "take him way too long" and he does not understand why his attention to detail is not appreciated by the world of commerce. - possible OCD.

he would not come to dinner when we were first married " he said we did not ask him so he was not welcome" - Low self-esteem/confidence, and possible depression

If you ask him where is he from "his parents" will be his answer - It sounds like he doesn't know when to take things seriously, and doesn't like sharing his thoughts and feelings.

he often speaks his mind with bad social consequencces and cant understand why no one will be patient enough to find out what he really meant... This is an Asperger's thing, being brutally honest, and not being socially aware.

he has an accute sense of smell. - Possible hypersensitivy.

From all of those things you mentioned, Asperger's is possible, but it could also be other similar things.

Post deleted. Sorry, double post.

What you said does make it sound like Aspergers and probably coupled with depression, maybe bi-polar.
But a few short sentences is not going to be a good character description. As well, going up to someone you're seperated from and telling them you'd like to take them to therapy to diagnose what could be serious mental issues isnt the healthiest thing. If he's been told that his whole life and not done anything about it, he doesnt want to hear it again.

It sounds like you are looking down the right path though, wanting to figure out what you can do to better understand him. Maybe if you put it to him like that, you'd like to take him to therapy and be there with him to learn and understand more about him. That you want to go not to fix him, but to better understand where he is coming from.

I think you need to focus here first. If you haven't already, start the process for getting your daughter diagnosed. She's at an age where social programs can make a huge difference in her growth as a social individual (if there are diagnosed issues there). Your daughter needs your help (and can benefit) more than your husband can. Your profile doesn't list a location - diagnosis options differ greatly depending on your resident country. I'd suggest looking for resources in your area or asking on the parenting forum for suggestions on resources.



Keep in mind that modern medical science still may see him as NT. I'm sure if I went in for an adult diagnosis today, they'd diagnose me NT or possibly as "cured AS." The process for an adult diagnosis seems to be more difficult (based on stories I've read here) and if your husband's symptoms aren't severe enough in the eyes of the medical professional, he may be diagnosed normal (or something totally different).