Lunchbreak in the Library

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My son Sean is 11 years old, a 6th grader with Aspergers, and a wonderful sense of humor who loves science, math and electronics (and xBox360). He began the school year eating lunch with the other kids but has since moved onto a table by himself. Teachers have felt so bad for him ("the loner") that they sometimes join him to eat. I discussed the situation with him the other day. He said he is so tired after a morning of classes he needs to rest. He isn't trying to be anti-social he is just needs a break from the noise, activity and demands. Also, he doesn't eat. He just doesn't get hungry that early in the day. So he sits.

The school has suggested to Sean that he spend the 20 minutes allotted for lunch in the library instead, reading books, science magazines or just decompressing. Sean really likes the idea. So do I but I have so reservations in that it further moves him away from the other kids.

Any thoughts?

Is there at least one other child he gets along well with?

Maybe see if he could invite someone to go with him, or just have a quiet room that has books and board games that he could invite someone else along. Without being in the library, but having access to books, would let them talk some, as well. But it would still be much quieter than the cafeteria.

My friend has an aspie son, and he definitely needs time alone to recharge.
I'd let your son have the choice of alone time in the library, and the option of joining the other kids if he feels like it. This way, he gets the best of both worlds.

Gosh, I'm NT and I'd jump at that! Who wouldn't want to recharge in a nice, quiet library? It's grueling being "on" all day -- a "me time" break seems totally reasonable, with or without company. I go a little nuts without my sanity breaks and I can only imagine what being around hundreds of kids all day would be like for a little Aspie. I say go for it if that is what he needs.

I think it's a great idea. I'd have loved that when I was at school. It's even harder to interact socially, and even easier to be noticed as different, if you are already stressed and tired. Also I guess your son will have lots of other opportunities for interaction during class times, when the more formal structure and environment might make communicating easier.

I require down-time to function well. This solution would have moved me closer to the other kids, because I'd be more alert and interactive, less shut-down, after that break.

I suggest that you, in helping him to develop socially, search for quality rather than quantity. A positive social experience that lasts five minutes and feels good teaches useful skills. A miserable half-shut-down social experience that lasts five hours teaches only fear.

If he likes the idea I say go for it. I did this with free half of my lunch in the 7th,8th and 9th grade anyway.
If your worried about him missing out on the social interaction have him join a club after school where the group will be smaller and there is built in shared intrests

Hi Seansdad,

I totally understand your reservations as I have been through a similar thing with my 10 year old son.

As others have said though it's a really positive thing for him to do. My son had lunch either in the library or alone in a special ed room for 18 months and I was tormented by it- thinking he would never learn to function with NT children or gain the social skills I felt he so desperately needed but when he was ready he just decided it was time to go back to having lunch with the other kids. Now he has the choice he spends time alone maybe once a week and the rest of the time being 'normal'. He feels happier, more in control and is, frankly, a pretty popular kid.

Go with it and trust him. If he needs to do this then you fighting it will possibly set him back more than eating or being alone would ever do.

It's a minefield for us worried parents, isn't it?

Good luck.

It sounds like a good idea, especially if your son likes it. I spend my lunch time in the Resource Room at school. I sit at the front table in front of the teacher's desk. She talks to me sometimes and other times a few of my friends come in to sit with me. I either eat a little or just sit there. I can't handle the noise and crowds of the cafeteria and the halls are too crowded as well. It works for me, maybe it will work for your son too.

i think thing we have to remember is aspies think totally different to us we like to be with people they need time alone too much going on around, them they need time to get away and be quiet. your lucky my daughter was just offered the quiet corner in the class room not very quiet i dont think.
i always feel bad when she gets home from school she goes straight to her room and watches tv or plays by her her self she only comes down to eat i try to comunicate with her but she comes to us when she feels like talking or decides she does not whant to be on her own any more.

When I was in high school this was an option that was presented to all students. My first couple of years I would go to the library to read the newspaper and catch up on homework.

Part of the reason that I partook in this had less to do with being teased in the lunchroom, but more to do with the fact that I felt shunned, and didn't particulary care for the school meals.

After I became manager of the basketball team at my high school I started hanging out in the cafeteria a lot more. It probably had to do more with the fact that I was more accepted and had found comradre with a number of my peers.

My son, because of his extreme sensory issues with the smell of the cafeteria, would not go in from day 1 in high school. They didn't know what to do with him so put him in the nurse's office. They became great friends!
Everyone was concerned that it was not good for him to miss out on the social time, but he loved it. When he was finally diagnosed with sensory issues(we did not know there was such a thing, just that he hated the smell of most food) then they moved him to an office of the discipline guy. They became great friends!
He didn't eat much either, some peanut butter crackers and a drink, but he loved the break. It was a very good thing for him.

In boarding school when I was doing my A levels I never went to the refectory, I would have been easy pickings. Instead I spent most of the time in my room. I used to stock up twice a week on junk food I got at the local spar.

My advice would be to help him focus on extracurricular activities for his social skills, because however bad things are at school at least he would have a life outside of it. Also schools are complex social networks, it is not necessary to try and engage here where other people have a large advantage. Best situation is where they are all strangers, or out of their comfort zone. Therefore, he has a chance to get to know them individually without the cliques.

I like that thing about engaging outside their social groups. I'll use that tip for myself, if you don't mind!

Why would I mind? I can go a bit more in depth about strategies to make reciprocal friendships.

Cool. Yes please.