Try to make myself feel better, but end up feeling worse

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I seriously have to do what I can to mantain myself every day...I just got a whole bunch of supplements that I take for my mood and mental functions..brain-pep pills, .theanine, holy basil, sub-lingual gaba, probiotics, omegas and so on...I went outside and ate my lunch while sitting in the grass in the back yard to get some sunshine and fresh air...

Then I had to go ride in the car with Flakey, which is one of my least favorite things to do..I HATE riding in the car I am in total stress overload doing everything I can not to look at the road and freaking out every time I do look at the road...traffic is horrible..we go to the grocery store in our old neighborhood, and it has been expanded and in doing so, they completely gutted and remodeled it and it was still in the process with ripped out ceilings and exposed wire everywhere....and it was really overwhelming because it was so different than it was before...and it made me start acting up...and there was stuff in the air that burned my eyes, and I said that if I were a little autistic kid in this big surreal dusty place that I would scream and scream and scream....part of it was that everything familiar about it was completely gone...

Anywhoo...ummmm....howyousay...I get home and try to decompress...we have 13 bands tonight and are opening early...so I take a shower and take all my mental well-being supplements and get myself together, and I am sitting here drinking a kombucha (another thing that is supposed to be good for stress and mental well-being)...and Flakey comes over and picks up my bottle and looks at it and gives me a disapproving look, so I start yelling at him...in front of people who are old friends of my family...for what I perceived to be his judging me for drinking something that he thinks tastes bad...and I...without giving myself a moment to think it over...more or less yell at him to mind his own business..... so he gets on my case for unnecessary yelling...and now I feel more dysfunctional than ever,...and people keep talking to me...and i am finding it difficult to stay afloat and even comprehend...and I just feel like a mess..and the night has only just begun...

You need a huge proper break Poopy. I hope you get it at least around Christmas!

I feel better...but I did have a bit of rum and eggnog and I tooka tiny dose of the pharmaceuticals that i take sometimes....but would like to not have to...to deal with spaciness and anxiety...now my nerves don't feel all exposed and I am doing ok...(nobody freak out about the fact that I took micro-dose of xanax and adderall...and then later had a drink...I finally feel lucid and balanced and like I will be able to survive the evening...
Flakey is very used to me yelling at him...

ok..i am crying again...but in a relaxed sort of way...
I hung out with my parents and gave them a buncha stuff...

I am sad because I was informed of how many really "cool" girls there are out there, and how I was never able to become one of them because my upbringing was so dysfunctional...

Ended up up having a standard meltdown of the usual variety I have whenever I drink..
I am not sure what triggered it but I ended up saying horrible things and barricading myself in my room. I swear I have had the same exact meltdown i have no idea how many times.
I victimized poor Flakey once again...

Even though my parents are really cool, sometimes hanging out with them outside from the regular routine can trigger meltdowns...and it seems to have something to do with issues I have regarding my childhood.....this has happened in the past...though really I guess I had been triggered a whole lot earlier....

I am not really sure....

I do know that the alcohol didn't help...

Apparently I was triggered by Flakey offering me a banana when I was crying. I remember having the meltdown, I vaguely remember parts of some of the things I said, but I don't remember hitting him....

I had a little grump last Xmas when i had to go out for a drink with my workmates while the shop I worked in was going bust and closing down. I had this woman there i'd tried to try to date who didnt like me anymore, and she was always bitchy to me. And i was feeling insecure about people not liking me, as they were all just not chatting and playing on phones, and i felt really down about losing my job. I took it all personally and said they were all sh***y and left, i stormed away. I really wish now i had had the awareness to realize they were all down too and not personally down on me. But it was all weighing down on me, and I was drunk then too, which is why i relate to your story. I have to work on not feeling rejected or insecure or taking things personally, and definatly not drinking when i feel like that. I should never drink unless i feel completly safe and happy with the people im with (which i do the vast majority of the time).

I take all that stuff you named. Sometimes it seems like it helps, sometimes, eh? whatever. It takes forever to wake up. Multiple bands is a big stressor. I just got a gig for may 14-16, 30 bands in three days. I'm already nervous. In a way though I do better in that situ cause time slows down and I go on autopilot and then the weekend is over, as long as nothing goes wrong and then I'll relive it over and over forever.