Son who became a teenager today

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Hello all, this is my first post here but i have been lurking for months. This is probably the most informative site on the web for aspies and the people that love them. I apologize that this may be be long but I've got 3-4 months of wanting to post stored up.
A little background - T (my oldest) was correctly diagnosed at 5 with AS and ADHD (he does take Concerta now) after being midagnosed for SI , etc. numerous times.
The tell tale was the test for facial expessions - he missed 5 out of 5 - taking the test 4 times. Since then he has learned a great deal on how to pick up the body language and sentence intonations that he really wasn't wired for. He's very intelligent (aren't most aspies?), a great kid and is believe it or not very social (albeit he is looked at as a little odd - his friends still respect him a great deal). He does well in school (A's and B's - some C's lately) for the most part except for forgetfullness and not understanding the assignment. He had a lot of work in school in the early years on small motor tasks, etc. - He still absolutely hates to write anything (obviously I don't have the same nature here)- his handwriting bears this out. He has an IEP that has helped a great deal with educating his teachers - but that's a struggle every year with new teachers but Aspergers education is getting more mainstream now. Most of his lowest grades are for the most frustrating things - for myself, his mom, him and his teachers. Example: His math teacher explained to the class that they should take their test in pen.
T started taking it in pencil and she came to his desk and told him to use a pen. He just kept his head down and stared at the paper. When it was turned in he never did anything else on it. The problem was he didn't have a pen and it never crossed his mind to tell her or to ask for one. Just wasn't the logical step he thought of - he figured he was stuck with a bad grade. He teachers are understanding a bit more now to probe a little deeper and understand many things are taken very literally.
My son is turning 13 today, but he's been turning into a teenager the past 6 months. As with most aspies, I guess self esteem is a balance beam and with the hormones raging and every frustration being a huge drama, he's become much more private lately and I don't want him to slip into becoming more withdrawn. I want to keep the lines of communication open. He's always been fond of short answers - "OK", "I guess", " I have no clue". As far as his birthday, He is very excited and is going to have a couple of friends stay over tommorow night.

Does anyone have any advice to the Dad of a new teenager on how to best prepare him for the next couple of years or what I have to look for in any warning signs? These years can be the best or the worst depending on a lot of things. His mother and I love him very much and want to help guide him (if he needs me to) but hopefully make his teenage years as fun-filled and awe inspiring as possible. Any suggestions from parents or aspies out there would be very much appreciated. I love the famiy that everyone has made here - it's great support system. Hopefully I can contribute. I have not told my son about this site yet because he hates to be reminded that he's a little different, but I truly think that there are very compassionate people on this site that might be able to help him deal with the teenage angst thing.

Thanks for putting up with the dissertation.

You don't mention it, but it sounds like this is also your first run at having a teenager at all... If that's the case all I can tell you is I've done it twice already and it never gets any easier

My son is 11, we did tell him of his dx and he avoids bringing it up or ever discussing it as well. He's in that tweener stage right now.

I think the most important thing I've learned lately as the mom of a boy with AS is that sometimes, he's just being a boy! It can get complicated b/c of the AS, but sometimes it's just hormones and gender (which was all my other two had going on and you should see the gray hairs I got!! !).

As long as he continues to get good support at school and the lines of communication are open at home, you'll get through it. No matter what you do there are rough patches, it's what you do to get through them together that matters.


The warning signs for your son are going to be the same for any child - changes in the "usual". You know your kid, and what his behaviors are, and so not putting our heads in the sand when we see a negative change start is the best thing we can do. Make sure he knows you are there all the time. He'll appreciate it later.

Welcome!

My little aspie turned 13 in January, so, no advice as I'm in the thick of it too. I like Aspiemom's advice...remember they are teen boys first and aspies second.

It truly sounds as if you are doing a good job of parenting a teen. Its not a job for the faint of heart.

Again, welcome.

BeeBee

(Aspiemom,
My older son turns 15 in May so we are looking at drivers ed. And advice on how to keep calm during that? )

You really sound like your on top of things and very much in tune to your son that's great. Aspiemom1 hit it on the nail so to speak...they are boys, they are teens, so do expect some typical change and then they settle back into a norm. As long as your getting the support he needs in school and he is able to socialize already then he's ahead of many aspies. Since the teen years are all about socialization and fitting into a group.
Just continue to be a great parent as you are

Thanks folks.
The sleepover for his birthday went fine (a little issue with staying up too late and no wrestling in the house) but it went well. T had a great time and so did his friends. Thanks for the advise everyone. I think the largest part of the behaviour changes we've seen are teen related. I am just concerned with the magnification of circumstances or pressures due to his perspective, I guess. We'll keep our eyes open. He really is a great kid. I truly feel he knows we are looking after him and want to help him grow even though " it will ruin his party if they aren't able to wrestle in his room". True drama at his best. Fun was had by all anyway.

Thanks again and I'll be on the board often to glean whatever helpful info I can and to offer some if I think I can help.

Hi! I'm new to this forum. I am so happy that this parent discussion is about kids turning into teenagers. My son is going to be 13 in May and I have worried so much about how he may change and how he will handle the changes. He can be very anxious and emotional.

I do see some parallels to neurotypical kids. He struggles to hang on to his adolescence, but has yearnings to discover his new feelings and tries to hide it. I've always been close to my son and very respectful of his feelings. He knows that he can trust me with his thoughts and feelings and I try very hard to keep his self-esteem up.

I meet or talk to his teachers just as school begins to ensure the requirements of his IEP are met and to let them know what kind of a kid he is so that he can manage his classes. They're usually good about making some concessions with his books, how work is submitted etc. He's in the inclusion program in Jr. High with an aide. I just wonder how it will be when he enters high school in 2 yrs. Will the teachers still be as understanding?

I've had "the talk" with my son. I remind him he has the right to his privacy and should utilize it so as not to be embarrassed publicly. He also knows he can ask me or his dad anything without worrying about being judged or getting "in trouble".

He's still seems clueless as to social cues girls give him and thinks he is being teased. I also worry about friendships as he only has 1 friend and he is very akward socially. (He does attend after school social skills and is also getting services in school as well with the psychologist and his speech therapist). I'm so afraid of him getting bullied or taken advantage of.

Thank you all in advance for sharing your experiences and your good advice!

One thing that could make the teenage years alot smoother for your son is to encourage him to join some activities that interest him. Something after school like a chess club or computer club. Maybe even a sport like track, or cross country. He could do things he really enjoys after school, and make friends from it. This will also increase his self esteem.


making friends from the club will also help him deter bullies. If your son is hanging out with a group of friends they are less likely to bully him. Furthermore, if he does get bullied he'll be able to handle it better because he'll have good self esteem.

I agree with jman. T is not typically a joiner either. One thing he really likes is Yu Gi Oh cards and
'dueling'. Locally there is a thing where a bunch of kids (and adults) meet on Sat at a card shop to have these Yu Gi Oh tournaments. T has been doing these for about a year and he feels really comfortable in that situation and it has become a huge esteem builder in being at a social situation as well as getting outside recognition for being good at something. Find what he feels most comfortable doing for fun and find a group doing that. The Yu Gi Oh crowd is a good initiator group since most everyone there is a bit socially inexperienced as well and not judgemental at all. T now does well in school social situations and it seems his quiet intelligent nature and humor has actually made him more popular with some of the girls (he is easy to talk to). While he would be very nervous if he viewed them as anything else but friends (as most 13 year olds) this is a good basis. He has never been interested much in sports but he did run cross country this year (good loner sport with a team aspect) because his best friend was doing it. T didn't do too well which wasn't great for the self-esteem but it stuck with it the entire season and I think that was good for him. He was proud he stuck it out when others dropped out.

jman is correct again about having a group of friends helps with bullies (or at least handling them). Last week T has his first encounter with someone who physically grapped him by the shirt after some words. T (mostly by accident) swung his forearm across to break his hold (I showed him this years ago) and the other boy fell back on the floor shocked just as a teacher came up. Both of them got in trouble but the word quickly spread that T stood up for himself and was BMOC (Big Man on 7th grade Campus) for the day. I don't condone fighting at all but something minor like this could haunt him or help him in the future. The boy stays away from him now. T's friends were nearby and that helped T stand up to the boy. One thing that you may consider, rjd3, in enrolling your son in a good Karate program. It's great for self esteem and the teachers are usually very good at stressing at defense rather than offence.