Getting teenager INTERESTED in something

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This is a question for parents, but also for any person with Asperger's who has had a positive experience to relate. I know there will be a number of people who will disagree with my approach, and quite frankly, I don't need to hear from them, as their motives are different from mine.

I have a son who I dearly love, who is a GREAT kid, and he has the typical interest in video games. He is nearing 14, and although I'm fine with the video games (we allowed his grandpa to get him an X-Box 360, so now he has a Wii, an X-box, AND a Playstation 2 -- I think that's enough game systems, don't you?) I am only ok with the video games if he has a balance -- video games, socializing (which he enjoys -- he likes to be around other people) and school.

I have another friend who has a teenage girl, age 15, who is a great kid (undiagnosed, but somewhere on the spectrum) and her mother has the same concern that I have. Left unchecked, both teenagers would just do games or play on computers. We would like to get them interested in something else to BALANCE out the videos/computer. We do NOT want to take away the computer, we just want to introduce another interest that would be equally enthralling.

The reasoning for this is that that OTHER interest, especially if it springs from the teenager themselves (and not the parent) can either lead to a career, or lead to a lifelong interest that helps with socializing. Either way, this can provide a level of happiness and satisfaction with their lives that is often missing with people on the spectrum. There are many people on the spectrum that I've read about on this website who are only interested in computers/video games, and they are LONELY and UNHAPPY. It goes without saying that there are many on this forum who are only interested in computers/video games who are not lonely and unhappy, they only want to be by themselves. I am not talking about this type of person. My son, (and my friend's daughter) are social, they just haven't found their "thing" yet, their activity outside of computers/video games that can hold their interest.

My older son found maps/urban areas/urban planning, and is VERY happy being obsessed with that. I just would like to expose my younger son to something similar. I don't want to lead him to it, necessarily, I just want to show him options and let him pick for himself. He loves comedy improv, but currently isn't very good at that. He likes acting, but not enough to stay with an acting program. He sings EXTREMELY WELL, and is told how great he is at that ALL THE TIME, but doesn't really show an interest (even though he sings and harmonizes in the car to the radio constantly). He has an interest in science, but not enough to actually DO anything with it.

Any parents out there have a positive experience with giving their children ideas of interest possibilities, and then had the child take the ball and run with the idea? The whole motivation here is happiness for the teenager -- some sort of interest in addition to computers.

There are many things you can do to get your teens interested in other things. What not encourage them to do VOLUNTEER work in your community on the weekends...at an animal shelter, a local hospital, a nursing home or some other place where they can do simple jobs? Volunteer work will help them to discover what career path to choose and it will also, provide them with a job "history" when they begin filling out job applications for work in later years.

Encourage them to learn a new skill...play a musical instrument that brings them a lifetime of joy, learn to swim, take up kayaking, go hiking, discover the "world" in your little corner of the universe, learn to ski or snow board.

Take scheduled trips to museums, concerts that expose them to other types of music (classical, blue grass, etc) besides rock, attend theatrical plays, and visit places with historical significance.

There are many, many things you can do...

Well, they might enjoy Dungeons and dragons, or some other table top game. I know I like playing the game every now and then.

Just out of curiosity how many of his games for the computer are multiplayer, more specifically multiplayer over the internet? Online games are where I got the majority of my 'socializing' from ages 12 up.

what about doing something related to video games? my favorite as a child was tomb raider, but I also love outdoor adventuring stuff of practically any kind. my bf loves car games, and he is also obsessed with cars. see where i am going? (now i play too many video games and don't get enough exercise, but my excuse is college.) i guess just see what games he likes and go from there.

There's an old saying... "You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink." Just bear that in mind for the next ten years.


Might I suggest finding out what it is about the games they are enjoying? Is it the strategy? Is it pretending to be a ninja? Is it the special effects? If it's strategy, once he's a bit older you could see if he's interested in broadening out into military strategy... Ninja? Well, there's history and there's martial arts there. Special effects? Basic intro to programming/game design class? Again, you have a few years. My suggestion is to make options available, but do not push him into any of them. It really needs to be his motivation to pursue them - otherwise it becomes like school, where you have to memorize the words of dead white guys, etc., that have no bearing on your life. Ever.

My daughter had only one of the most basic of these systems when she was your son's age (and she only got that because she had an operation that required she be housebound for a while, and so I allowed the console into the house as a consolation - I loathe those things). She played the same two games almost every evening for a few years, plus reading manga obsessively.

I have learned from my daughter (and you son may well be different) that if I try to push, she'll resist. If I offer options and then leave it to her (and WAIT for her), she'll explore on her own if she has any interest in doing so. Sometimes she did not. All I could do was leave the options around for her to find. She eventually went and got a degree in Japanese (started out as an art student because it was easy and she liked it, and then realized that she'd taken so many electives in Japanese that she might as well get the degree). In high school she got all the socialization she needed/wanted at school every day. She still has friends in town - they get together every few weeks for a few hours, which is pretty much all the unstructured socialization she can handle at once. She just doesn't need a lot of extraneous social interaction, though she does keep up with people who have gone away to school in other towns via the Internet. She is now employed and, quite frankly, she's earning more temping around town now as I did in my first year after finishing grad school. More importantly, she and I are on good terms and she appears to be happy.

It's so hard to just keep "hands off", it really is. Sometimes it's needed though - you know your child, just be sure you're looking clearly at ~his~ needs, wants, & desires and not trying to imprint your own on him. If he's still in his room doing nothing useful and has not applied to/gotten into college at the end of high school, there's always community college. (Worked for mine - I told her it was either a job or more school, but no sitting at home all day doing nothing. She chose school.)

I think this is a pretty basic aspect of Aspies - we mature much more slowly and may not be where a "NT" is at any given, arbitrary chronological point. We do get to optimal adult functioning, eventually, depending on the level of our Aspiness, but it might take a bit longer. Something to think about - your child may stay a child just a bit longer than you expect.

Best of luck, and remember to not make it a war. Nobody really wins in a war.

I am so glad someone posted this topic! Our 15 1/2 yr old son is in pretty much the same situation. Not wanting him to just sit around and play on the computer all summer, we had him choose an instrument to learn over the summer. I thought he might enjoy saxaphone, (coz at one time he used to like playing the harmonica) but he chose the drums. (his dad has a set of drums and plays also) He took the lessons, but just did not really seem to enjoy it to where he'd even play at home. He had drama class at school last year, and he is so good at imitating people, even down to the expressions on their faces and how they walk, SO FUNNY...but he didn't want to really show that side of himself, I guess. He did what was required, but wasn't into it either. And he can sing, but doesn't want to join band or choir. *sigh*....:/

For a couple summers, he joined a basketball league and enjoyed that. Played with his friends church league just for summer. He used to play basketball, DAILY, shooting hoops and even played on the team in 6th grade and again in 8th grade. He is great at making baskets! However, he tried out for the High School team, and found he just wasnt quick enough and has completely left his interest in basketball now, which he LOVED. He doesn't even go outside and shoot hoops anymore!

He loves playing W.O.W. on the internet. That is his social life. Sometimes, he doesn't even want to go to see a new movie with us, but rather wants to play on the computer. Says he just wants to "relax" and/or that he's tired. I think I can understand what he likes about it - chatting and keeping busy doing something that he is good at and making friends who are easy to "chat" with online. It's just so different than what we were used to doing while growing up. I like to chat with people sometimes on Facebook, so I do understand how easy and fun it must be for him.

I think the idea about volunteering at an animal shelter sounds like something I am going to see if I can help happen. Thanks for the ideas.

Three systems enough? I have over 20, and a display of them on my wall.

I have no idea what your unique child might take to, but here are some things mine (age 12) enjoys:

1) Dungeons and Dragons, which is a social role playing game. There are 3 other children in his grade that he knows enjoy the game, and they try to set something up weekly, although usually only 3 of the 4 can make it.

2) Boy Scouts. My son loves it. He loves camping and hiking and living off the land. The advancement part can be a bit too much like homework, but he is really proud that he was just been made a patrol leader. Nervous about trying to effect leadership given his AS, but proud that they wanted him to do it (the adult leaders do know about the AS and our concerns as parents, but really think he can do it, so who am I to limit my child?)

3) GameMaker. Software that allows you to invent and program your own games on the computer. There is definitely skill involved, and while the programming is on a platform, it does start the thought process programmers have to use.

4) Tutoring. The opportunities have been limited, but my son finds a lot of satisfaction in teaching others areas he is talented in and, surprisingly, his quite patient and creative with it. He's helped some kids in his study hall period with math, and aided in his younger sister's classroom. I was surprised the first time I heard he was asked to do this in study hall, and even more surprised to hear that it went well, but good surprises happen.

Just get out and try new things and if they don't like it then let them quit. My parents always insisted I stuck with stuff which may or may not be related to the fact I didn't try new things for a long time.

Thanks to all of you for some really good ideas that I haven't heard of before.

I particularly liked the idea of having my son do some volunteer work. He has expressed the desire to volunteer at an animal shelter, and/or a food bank. We may have to try something like that in the future. That would be good experience, for sure. The only down side would be that he would be taking direction from others -- which he is good at. I would love to find something that he likes enough that he would be self-motivated to do.

I have NEVER heard of Gamemaker, DW_a_mom, so that's a GREAT idea. So is the tutoring idea. I would have NEVER thought of that myself. My son is currently in boy scouts, and LOVES it. We had the hope that he would finish with his eagle by 14 or 15 years old, and then help the younger scouts, so that would be a tutoring situation as well.

I am quickly learning that this formerly very pliable child is becoming a much more stubborn teenager -- and frankly, good for him. He's developing a backbone, and I like that. I just wish he would pick something else to be stubborn about. We've been pushing him to do both band (which he is in, although he never practices his trumpet -- but band is "cool") and maybe choir. He will not even contemplate choir, because he had a bad experience with a choir teacher in elementary school. That's really too bad, because this kid has AMAZINGLY good singing skills -- both as a lead singer, and at harmonizing. He sings in the back of the car, and seriously sounds like a rock star. Yes, I'm his mother, and I'm incredibly biased, but his older brother actually wanted to do this sort of thing, and at the time and didn't have NEAR the talent, so I don't think ALL my kids are always talented! I was just thinking that in choir, his talent would shine and he would find other like-minded kids to sing with, maybe start a band with, etc. But, tough luck for me -- he won't even consider it. I wish he had never MET that rotten elementary school choir teacher!! !

Is anyone else having a light bulb moment here?

Why not get those two teens together for some social game time? With Wii especially, video games have quite a bit of an exercise component. Take Wii Fit, Wii Sports, or even Mario Kart. You really gotta move around in those games, although it's certainly not a substitute for real things. But having some social time will act as an incentive for those two teenagers to be more active. Or perhaps they can go to an arcade together and play Dance Dance Revolution, which is a very active game.

Now, if some attraction happens, they're bound to start dating each other. That will lead to another benefit. Each party involved may feel compared to exercise more (in the gym or outside, that is), in order to look attractive for their romantic partner. In the end, it could lead to a nice relationship that last a long time, or a fling that crashes and burns within weeks, but at least both people will get some practice in social interaction, and as long as no feelings get hurt in the process, it's all good.

Aspie1 --

Actually, that's a great idea. These two kids have been attending church together for years, and at big church activities in the gym, they both would leave, go find a smaller room, and do crazy stuff together (obviously they couldn't stand the noise/large group confusion -- I'm with them, I don't like it either anymore).

The only problem here -- She is at least two years older than he is. Right now, there's too big of an age differential, AND she has two brothers that are a year older and a year younger than our son. He's "supposed" to be friends with THEM, according to social custom -- but he's only "kind of" friends with the younger brother. I don't know how a relationship with the older sister would work.

But you are absolutely right -- they get a long great, and have OFTEN had fun in various situations. My son is now in the youth group with this girl, and so who knows what may happen?

Two years older? But I thought he was 14 and she was 15. Oh well, maybe a birthday took place since you wrote the last post; I'm not accusing you of lying or anything. I'd say that the "sort of" friends thing is perfectly fine. My friend has a younger sister, and I'm not close friends with her, more like acquaintances or just a person she can trust. As long as your son and the girl's siblings are on good terms, it's all good, and a close friendship isn't a requirement. Also, ages 14 and 16 isn't that big of age differential; high schoolers from different grade levels date with no problems. The only issue is when one person turns 18, but that's something to worry about for later. Obviously, I don't recommend that you or the girl's parents trying to get the two to start dating (that'd be weird), but if you think it's a good idea, tell your son to read up on some of that "nice guy vs. jerk" stuff, so he doesn't make the mistakes I made as a teenager.

Your the parent of an AS kid, that kind of social custom left the picture a long time ago. You make it sound like they get along well so go for it and who cares if he's supposed to be friends with her brother: you said it himself, he's not so why let that waste the opportunity for a real friend?

I don't know if he is similar to me but I am also 15 and I have TRIED to find an interest, it isn't actually an easy thing to do. Interests aren't easy for someone with AS, some of mine start with some small stimuli that gets me interested in the subject. I don't know if you'll be able to get him interested in doing anything even with the slow introductions to activities, he MAY hate doing it and wish you would simply stop interfering in his life.

Even video games can have social aspects, if he has an interest in something like Star Wars then get him to try one of the games on the matter online.

If video games really are his interest though, get him involved with "modding" them. That's where you change and modify the files so that things are different, I do it, and a knowledge of how games work and what they're made up of could lead to a career in the gaming industry.

Another thing you could try is graphics design, using programs like GIMP and Photoshop to make pictures is a very useful skill, I enjoy doing that and that is one of my skills I might be able to market eventually.

My final advice is, don't push too hard. He wont like it. Find something that he likes and expand from that, trying things that connect to his interests.

there are things you can do like let him work as a volunteer with a software designer..he can get skills that will get him a foot in the door above the rest and he will have social interaction.

also ask him "if you can do anything in the world, what would you do? " type of questions...the answers will surprise you, but they will take you to his heart of hearts desire.

Also ask him, when you die....what would you want to be remembered for??? That will help you know where he wants to go in life.

The idea is to ask him questions that will make him think about his hidden ambitions...the right questions will spark a light within him to seek what really interests him.

And it may be computer oriented...that I can tell you...but get him to think what he can do with computers to make the world around him a better place for his fellow earthlings.