How do you 'settle'?

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I wish I knew how to settle, but I don't and I can't.

If you go to the mall or some other public place where couples are abundant, you can see settlers EVERYWHERE. These couples seem happy, content and they look like they belong together, but it's hard to imagine that most of them look at each other and think, "wow, that's hot!"

My question is how do they do it? How do they settle for less than attractive mates?

To be brutally honest, I'm probably about a 6 on a 10 scale. I'm stocky, yet powerful and fit, but I've never been accused of being handsome.

The type of women I like are probably 8s—I don't require a super model, but I NEED a woman who's physically fit, with a cute face in order to develop an attraction. Being an aspie, this is something I can't fake!! !

The problem is, the women who are attracted to me are what I'd call fives or sixes—not hideous by any means, they usually have pleasant features and a few extra pounds. Over the years, I've become friends with several women like this. Invariably, they try to turn the relationship romantic, but I JUST CAN'T DO IT! In the end, I always reject them and the friendship ends.

It's horrible because most of the time I really click with these women emotionally. By contrast, I generally have no other interest in the 'HOT' girls I occasionally have sex with and those relationships never last.

Right now, I'm in a friendship with a girl who's smart, funny, sweet, and reasonably cute, but kinda heavy. The other day she was 'jokingly' trying to entice me by eating a banana suggestively… I just smiled and thought to myself, "yeah, never gonna happen sweetheart."

What's really terrible is that I encourage her because, even though I have zero attraction for her, it's nice to be wanted.

If I could MAKE myself be attracted to her, I'm sure it would be a great relationship, but all I can think about is the skinny, empty-headed girl with the pink hair and nose-ring who sat next to me in History class…

One thing you COULD do is to start going for less attractive girls and see how it works out. The experience can always be useful and if you don't fall in love with her in the long run, you could use that experience to "move up" to a more attractive girl. You're likely to lose a friend in the process if you try it with the girl you mentioned, though....

Nevertheless, attraction CAN grow. You can grow attracted to a person's personality or the small things she does. By only looking at the size of her breasts, the size of her @$$ and the shape of her face you're missing out on a lot !

Attraction matters, but I've got to go all feminist on your ass and say this rating of woman from 1 to 10 creeps me out and it always has. If I knew a guy rated me that way, it would definitely turn me off to him. Women are people not things. I just wanted to say that and get it off my chest. Now I'm done. Carry on.

Settle = go out with the first person who shows any sort of attention.

I think you should hold out till you find someone who interests you and you find attractive. In my experience I dont find many people attractive but those that I do, I really want. Only a very small minority of those that Ive found attractive have reciprocated my interest. I think therefore its a matter of being patient to find someone with 'everything' who reciprocates, but its worth waiting. Think how rubbish it would be if you did settle then met the 'right person' but could do nothing about it as you were not single (and they may not tollerate you cheating/leaving your gf).

Heh, I'm sorry. I don't normally rate women on a 10 scale--it was just an easy shorthand.

What sexually attracts me to a woman is long hair, expressive eyes and a full mouth, and the classic waist to hip ratio. In sexual matters I'm ruled by hardwired biology.

The problem is that I am very socially impeded. I can interact with women, like my friends, who have playful personalities and make an effort to draw me out (I think most of these women are sexually interested in me from the start and think I'm 'just shy').

I can also interact with women who I'm sexually attracted to, provided they give me a bit of encouragement.

Unfortunately, I can't interact with anyone I'm not attracted to, or who doesn't draw me out, even if they do show me attention--I just act disinterested, aloof, cold, indifferent... just the way I am.

I agree 100%.

The problem with a lot of guys on here is that from seeing their pics, they're about a 2 on the 10 scale and want a model that loves the same things they do. First of all, even if this girl existed, she could get any guy she wanted.

In other words, we need someone who is so desperate that we're all they can get?

No, but below average looking men (I don't like men sexually or dating wise but I know which guys are good looking and which aren't) shouldn't "wait" for something they'll never get, unless they have a high-paying job or plan to in the future.

To address the OP, how about cute women that aren't sexy or hot, but aren't overweight either? You talk like either a woman is fat and undesirable or really hot and snobby. I guess I'm lucky that I prefer cute/regular women. While I care about weight, the women I like my friends often tell me are boring or plain looking or "cute" or "beautiful." They're never "hot" or "sexy." And there is a difference.

Cute women are the best of both worlds because they look good but also don't have an ego, and as long as you're a guy in the 5-6-7 range, which you say you are, you have a chance with them.

Personally I've never been happier liking women are in the same league as myself. I empathize with not wanting to date an out of shape woman. Men are visual creatures. But dating a 10 is unncessary and outside of a sex life, why would you want her anyway?

Be honest with yourself like the OP and rate yourself, and go for an according woman. If you can't be honest, ask a bunch of objective women to rate you and find out where you stand.

OP, with regard to the nice-yet-heavy-banana-eater....have you thought of maybe getting her involved in some of your fitness activities? You said that you're "stocky" but "fit" - so I'm assuming you're into physical activity. Why don't you invite her along? Why don't you tell her it's important to you that a woman is able to share those activities with you? Why don't you tell her how you've been able to stay fit, and how fitness improves the quality of your life? My point is that you may be surprised by her response - she may want to go along with you....perhaps the idea of a relationship with you will be enticing enough to make her think about making some serious changes. If she works for you in so many other ways, why don't you put in a little effort? See if she takes you up on it.....you sure don't have anything to lose.

^^^

You know, I think she understands that her weight is a barrier between us because she has commented a few times about how she is trying to get in shape. She’s ex-military so she knows how to get and stay fit, but she’s been out a few years and let herself go (I don’t mean that as mean and awful as it sounds).

The problem with inviting her on my workouts is that I require a lot of solitude and workout time is definitely me time. Also, as part of my ritual/routine I can’t tolerate a lot of disruption in my workouts without getting extremely frustrated.

I do encourage her when she talks about getting fit/losing weight but I haven’t really seen any results as yet. Ultimately losing weight is something she’s going to have to want for herself and not for a relationship with me.



I’m afraid that she’s going to press the relationship issue in the meantime and I’m going to be forced to reject her and lose the friendship.

I really do like her. I just wish there was a way to make myself sexually interested in her the way she is…

I can't believe I'm the first to say it. How do you figure these people you see consider the person they're with 'less attractive'? I cannot stress enough that beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder, and attraction is all about individual perspective. What attracts you may very well be unattractive to another. The mentality needed to ask your question is akin to wondering how homosexuals and bisexuals can be sexually attracted to their own gender.

I also have to agree that rating women, or anyone, rubs me the wrong way, especially if the rating being done is based on superficial physical traits rather than who they are as people. To rate cars, wines and prospective property with such discerning, critical taste is fine, but a person? I can't see that ending in much more than failed relationships, though I do admit I could be wrong.

GoonSquad, why do you feel you have to settle?