to introduce myself or rarther intoducing myself to myself

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Hello, my names Allie, I'm 38 and awaiting a refferal for a diagnosis. I came across this information about 3 weeks ago through my husband knowing someone with AS on a music forum. He kept saying Allie you have alot of things in commen with this guy, for some reason this time i said - well.. what is AS then. He sat at the computer and proceeded to search then read out info to me whilst i continued to cook the dinner. He was no more than a few lines in before i suddenly begane to feel quiet sick, shaky and very hot, the more he read the sicker i became until with mouth agape i had to sit down. My mind seemed to go completly blank, basically i went into shock.I stayed that way for three days.I guess to some degree i'm still in shock seemingly only coming out of the shock to go into anger. Anger at all the times i was abused/rejected/isolated emotionally/socially just for having a mind that works a bit diffrently.
The past 48 hours a new feeling is begining to take root within me. The feeling of exsisting, of actually being here. I never felt that i exsisted, i mean literaly without even knowing that i felt i did not exsist. My whole life has been characterised by this all pervasive dream like state, a dark seeping mist that numbed.
I must admitt tonight i am resentfull and deeply insecure and so i hate all the normies , just because theirs more of them doesnt make their way of doing things right.I read the artical here on eye contact and small talk a few hours ago and although its a wonderful artical full to the brim of excelent advice and information that part of me wishes i'd been privy to years ago i cant help but feel ..well, why the hell should I learn to communicate with you insecure w*kers just so you can feel more comfortable in yourself in knowing i am not a threat to you when all you've ever done to me is make me feel like s**t.
So as you can see I am in need of some healing and i will heal, its my thing, its what i do and being here writing this to you is part of that healing.I'm just going to have to take it step by step , each time i learn abit more about myself and more related memories or fears come up I''ll just have to release them the exact same way i have with everything else.Just because this is the most intensly, profoundly, personal issue i have ever delt with does not mean i can hold on to those negative thoughts/feelings and exspect to feel great just because their justified.
Oh my god guys.... this is just so mind blowing (((((((((( US))))))))))), this is beyound my wildest dreams.
Thanks for reading.. thanks for being you.
Allie.

Welcome to WrongPlanet.net! Its always good to see good new members coming out of the woodwork.

Hmmmm? Welcome to Wrong Planet seems to be in order here!



Describe your past if you chose! There is much we can learn from
our childhood and adolesent influences in our lives!



This is what happened to me. My employer saw the traits
and suggested some reading since I was having job difficulty.
I too was 38.

[quote="
He sat at the computer and proceeded to search then read out info to me whilst i continued to cook the dinner. He was no more than a few lines in before i suddenly begane to feel quiet sick, shaky and very hot, the more he read the sicker i became until with mouth agape i had to sit down. My mind seemed to go completly blank, basically i went into shock.I stayed that way for three days.I guess to some degree i'm still in shock seemingly only coming out of the shock to go into anger. Anger at all the times i was abused/rejected/isolated emotionally/socially just for having a mind that works a bit diffrently.
The past 48 hours a new feeling is begining to take root within me. The feeling of exsisting, of actually being here. I never felt that i exsisted, i mean literaly without even knowing that i felt i did not exsist. My whole life has been characterised by this all pervasive dream like state, a dark seeping mist that numbed. [/quote]


Isn't reading about yourself a scarry thing when first read.
At least I think so! Your husband much care much for you
to do this! Bless his heart!

[quote="allie"]
I must admitt tonight i am resentfull and deeply insecure and so i hate all the normies , just because theirs more of them doesnt make their way of doing things right.I read the artical here on eye contact and small talk a few hours ago and although its a wonderful artical full to the brim of excelent advice and information that part of me wishes i'd been privy to years ago i cant help but feel ..well, why the hell should I learn to communicate with you insecure w*kers just so you can feel more comfortable in yourself in knowing i am not a threat to you when all you've ever done to me is make me feel like s**t.
So as you can see I am in need of some healing and i will heal, its my thing, its what i do and being here writing this to you is part of that healing.I'm just going to have to take it step by step , each time i learn abit more about myself and more related memories or fears come up I''ll just have to release them the exact same way i have with everything else.Just because this is the most intensly, profoundly, personal issue i have ever delt with does not mean i can hold on to those negative thoughts/feelings and exspect to feel great just because their justified.
Oh my god guys.... this is just so mind blowing (((((((((( US))))))))))), this is beyound my wildest dreams.
Thanks for reading.. thanks for being you.
Allie. [/quote]

and thanks for being here on Wrongplanet and can you divulge more
on your pre-marriage past! This helps writng about yourself
to others like a book. At least that is the tactic I used......

"Giving your thoughts and feelings a face" or as the theory goes!

Hmmmmmm?

Sincerely,
ghosthunter

WOW...What a really cool 1st Post. I am truly greatful for people with the talent for puting my feelings into words. All i am capable of doing at this point in time is state facts in print. Thanx to the WP i am just realizing I have been that way with people all my life. Allie..here is my 1st Post...
http://www.wrongplanet.net/asperger.htm ... &start=555

Thank you... for your life.