On the social dance.

Post Reply New Topic

Hi, I'm a 21-year-old swedish guy (not blonde! ). I've been posting a bit here on WP, but I haven't been diagnosed with AS quite yet. I have severe OCD, and my shrink is evaluating me for AS soon, because he suspects I have it, or at least some traits of AS.

Anyway, even though I don't know if I have AS quite yet, I have a question about romance and socialization at large.

In order to get into friendly relationships and romantic relationships in this world, you are expected to "dance the social dance". Whenever I start in a new class, a new work, or some other situation where socialization is required and expected, I have had the same procedure. Before school/work starts, I've tried to prepare myself to socialize, but when I've been there for two days I'm screwed. Everyone quickly learns I'm a weirdo, and I feel branded. (Note that I'm not a complete loner. I do have a circle of friends. It's very small, but I don't have a problem with that. My worry is that I have no female friends, since I have greater difficulties socializing with women.)

Now, if I am born with AS, and am interested in getting more friends and maybe even a girlfriend, is it necessary that I learn all these social rules that others know instinctively? Is there no way around this? I realize that it would be wise to learn them to an extent for my own sake (and I have learnt some).

What I mean is, would it be possible to just say what's on my mind, and to heck with flirting, courting, and all that crap? Would any woman on this planet understand/accept that? If I just said "I like/love you".

I wish I could just make it clear to people that I am straightforward, and want them to be straightforward with me. I say what I think, and they do the same.

I find that the Social Dance is the hardest Dance of all. No matter what I say, my Peers think I'm wierd.

I have this fantasy that all people are originally strait forward and their parents and peers beat the crap out of them until they are confusing and cryptic and ambiguous in their relationships and try as hard as they can to not communicate.

Yeah.. so, any opinions? Would it be possible to use this sort of straightforwardness, or would it just freak out the girl?

My point is, why try to play a game that I'm inherently bad at?

A girl/woman likes a man to show interest before those heart stopping words. so learning the social dance will help. You also need to learn to keep some thoughts to yourself. tell her you think she is beautiful/smart/ etc. spend time talking to her but most NT woman won't want to get into subjects too deeply. Others might. but not to the exclusion of all other subjects. Pay attention to the way she has her hair, etc. I'm sure GroovyDruid might have a thread about this. He has a great one on flirting.
But some aspects of the social dance you will need to learn and do. You have to get to the heart of the woman, not just her mind.
I'm married to an Aspie man and I used to get upset with his bluntness, thinking he was being cruel and unsensitive. But now I know about his Aspergers I know he isn't trying be hurt me. he is just being very honest. This takes some getting used to. So you need to learn a bit of tact, or just to keep your mouth shut at times, think before you speak.