39-year old female with probable aspergers...

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...I'm now trying to get a diagnosis. In hindsight, it makes perfect sense.
In the 1970's the milder forms of autism were pretty much unknown and my parents were of the "If you just act normal and get some friends like everybody else they won't bully you" school of thought. So I desperately acted normal until severe depressions made working impossible.
I got stuck with that convenient unstable-female "borderline" label several times but never really believed it because the borderline-like symptoms (unstable moods, cutting, suicidal...) disappear into thin air once the depression lifts. The problems with social interaction are permanent though.

Currently at home and much better and trying to get to the bottom of things. it is a shame insight has taken so long and has come at so high a price.

Hi, I'll be 39 in March. I am self diagnosed AS. I have 2 sons on the spectrum; 16 yr old with Asperger's and 13 year old with PDD. In grade school I remember crying every day from being picked on. There was a boy who would kick me and nobody cared. I remember making it through the school day a few times, but then had to ride the bus. Our bus was crowded and we were supposed to have 3 people per seat. I used to get shoved on the ground every day and spent the whole bus ride home sitting on the smallest possible corner of a seat. Then I was sent to the bad kids group in jr high because people were beating me up. I was actually in the study hall with the ones who were hitting me all day. They would knock me out of the seat at lunch. I had to eat lunch by myself because they were mean to me. I told my mother everyone hates me and they are mean and her answer was they are just jealous because I used to get straight A's. People would make me do their homework sometimes, but mostly I refused to do that or would do it wrong on purpose. They just shoved me around like always so I figured what's the difference. I don't remember having my lunch money stolen though. Back then it was funny to stomp on someone's foot so they would drop their books. I had ingrown toenails and they would bleed all over my shoes. It sounds unbelievable to talk about now, but it really happened and not that long ago.

My family and husband's family blame me for the way the kids are. I recently stopped speaking to all of them because of that. I still can't make friends. I have no friends except online friends. If I see an acquaintance or someone I have known forever and used to hang out with. They say great seeing you and never call. I can't remember the last time someone called to ask how things are going. It has always been like that for me. I don't hear from people unless I speak up first and I'm not like that.

I'm glad that you decided to get help and hope you find some treatment or at least someone to talk to. I am still deciding if I want to go for treatment, but I probably should.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

I'm sorry to hear that Medusa, and I recognize much. It is good that more is being done against bullying now, but for us it's too late and we have to live with the damage.
The teachers at that time believed a bit of bullying toughened up a kid. This is not true, actually. Persistent, continuous bullying wore down my self-respect to the point of none existence. I was told, and believed, it was my own fault. I wasn't nice enough, popular enough, cool enough, I was wierdly dressed, I stank, I was ugly so it was only natural.
There was little physical violence. I think I would have preferred that actually. If a kid kicks you a teacher has something to go on. They would call me rups ("caterpillar") and that hardly seems like something worth crying over. But it's the mean way in which little girls can say things like that, and the continuation for years that wore me down until I saw myself as a worm deserving to be stepped on. It is very hard for a teacher to act on subtle things like that, if he or she is even willing to bother.
Mine sure weren't.
Judgmental family is a problem. I had, and still have problems with my mother. She can't accept there is anything wrong with me, and tells me I should just pull myself together, get over it and just try a bit harder. Again, I'm too blame- I'm just too lazy to make friends.

It sounds like finding a place to talk about these things is a very good idea. At least take it serious, as damage from childhood bullying is a very serious problem.

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

I was diagnosed with AS around age 40, a few years ago. Growing up I was given a variety of "borderline" diagnoses, from prodromal schizophrenia to various forms of mania. As a quiet introvert with poor social skills, I was an easy target for other boys in my elementary school, and teachers there saw little need to interfere.

I hope your diagnosis is a step in a useful direction, Medusa. Getting over the bullying was not a big deal for me, since I just don't seem to make the necessary connections for any of it to be meaningful to me. My socialization difficulties/limits as well as my personality have made relations with a lot of family members essentially impossible. But that happens even to the NTs I know, and I'm fortunate to have a few good friends. And cats!

Welcome to Wrongplanet

I was only diagnosed just over a year ago.
I truly can sympathise with both you Rups and you Medusa. I too was very severely bullied through school. I'm only 26 (27 at the end of this month). So things hadn't begun to change against bullying in my years either.
Teachers didn't care. They used to get angry at me for being bullied and send me into detention with the bullies i was trying to deal with.
I got so scared through school. I was extremely short and slim which made bullying me so easy, along with my unknown then AS.
The only good things i had was that i was damn fast with lightning quick reflexes. So i learnt to dodge and squirm and Run! I spent all my school life running and hiding. Except when in class. I would avoid any area i could get trapped in. Which ment i never went to the toilet. I'd have a long walk home crying to myself in agony due to the pain of a extremely full bladder. Always unable to hold it all in and slightly peing myself all the time as i walked. (From this i eventually gained a really strong bladder though)
When i did get caught/pinned or was stuck in a classroom the bullying was severe. I remember one time in art class there was no escape. At least it was just one kid. The teacher stepped out... So i knew i was in danger. We were moulding clay and there were scalpels everywhere. For about 5-10mins i had to dodge and weave and use everything i had so that one kid would'nt gut me with a scalpel. All the other kids either ignored it or looked on with enjoyment. Then the teacher returned and it was like nothing had happened. I didn't say a word either. If i had of done thinks would have been much worse later.
I could say much more about beatings. Being pelted by rocks for the whole walk (or in that case run) home. My house constantly being rocked. My father constantly going to the school in anger and trying uselessly to protect me (Which made things worse that i convinced him to stop). Being absolutely petrified every day... But it would go on forever! So i'll stop. *Shudders* Talking about it brings up memories i try everyday with my escapism to forget.
Because of all this i have a severe anxiety disorder. I cant sit down anywhere that i cant have a protected back. I case a joint as if i'm a thief. Making sure of all the exits.
My Shrink say's my fight or flight instinct is always switched on and that i need to learn to shut it down.
Sorry! This sounds rather depressing dont it. I didnt mean for it to come out like this.
My worst crime is although i am like this i cant hold onto anger. I dont hate those who have caused this in me. If i'm in a serious argument with someone in about 5mins to me it's like nothing has happened. I confuse people with my ability to just dismiss this anger.
It's counter productive though because i have no drive. If i had anger at least i'd have something to drive me in life! Instead i'm like a gullable puppy who although petrified treats everyone like they are good people.
Oh and i hate buses... For the same thing that medusa went through on them!
I'm being selfish... Sorry!
Medusa... You've been through a lot too!
How are things going?
Rups... I'm not sure i want to call you that now seeming what you said about it's meaning. I'm curious as to why you chose that name?
Words can definitely hurt. Most kids think it's just fun. But people dont understand that we feel the intent behind those words. We also take the literal meaning of those words to heart.
Oh and another thing i wish to say to the two of you... I love you! Not in a weird or romantic way. But as people! Your not ugly or undeserving you are beautiful and deserving. I accept you! As you deserve to be accepted!

That is serious stuff, Shadow-fox:(Thank you for your kind words. You are right too. I'm not, and never was, ugly, smelly or anything- But I still have trouble convincing myself.
And then there is the paranoia. I can't sit with my back towards a door for one- and I don't trust people who are overly nice.
There once was this lovely and popular girl who bullied me, but one day became very nice, and told me she wanted to be my friend. I was delighted of course, as I had no friends at all and told her everything she wanted to hear.
She then used my secrets to bully me mercilessly and made sure everybody knew about all the details. She actually started a friendship to be able to hurt me more efficiently. Of course, I was totally unable to judge her intentions. This actually happened twice, and after that I simply didn't try to make friends any more.

It's always interesting to see how boys are more likely to use physical violence and girls are more likely to resort to psychological warefare...

And I call myself Rups by way of reappropriation. A butterfly may yet come out of it.

The cruelty of some people! I just dont understand it! What you've been through with that girl you thought was a friend was horrible. She wounded you deeply! I do hope you are able to heal from it.
It's strange that many people think that people with Aspergers are unkind and dont care. We do care a lot! We feel a lot!
The only thing i will say i'm proud of in school about myself was that if any girl was being picked on by a guy i would step in and help the girl. My only signs of bravery!
I don't like it when a guy abuses a girl!
As to guys using physical violence instead of mental. They did use mental as well but it was'nt greatly intelligent stuff at that age. I did come across some mean girls as well but thankfully not too many bothered me.
Some girls were actually kind and stood up for me. I really appreciated it even if it made it even more embarassing for me. It was the only sign of kindness i got.
Err... i guess i better not be overly nice then. You might start to distrust me! lol.
Still.....You say "a butterfly may come out from it yet". The thing is Caterpillars are such wonderful creatures. They are already beautiful! Plus there is a promise as well of what is to come! It's guaranteed!

To WrongPlanet!! !

Hello Rups, welcome, enjoy your stay on the Wrong Planet!

<The only thing i will say i'm proud of in school about myself was that if any girl was being picked on by a guy i would step in and help the girl. My only signs of bravery!>
That is brave. I can't say the same...One day a new girl arrived who was fat and wierdly dressed and rumoured to be a gypsy and thus a brilliant target. Her name was Lola, right in the time when that song by the Kinks was popular. It was the only time I was not bullied...What they did to that poor girl was appalling, and quite violent. She didn't last long. And I stood by and watched afraid of all hell breaking loose if I said something about it. In fact, I actually believed she was wierd and unclean because if she was normal, they wouldn't bully her. Ah, bad karma, eh? But this cowardice of mine still bothers me, whereas the bullies have long grown up into decent moms and dads who don't remember doing anything wrong.
I owe Lola an apology.

What really bugged me about it was that I couldn't figure out what they stood to gain from all this. It did not make any sense. I didn't understand group dynamics, still don't. I thought there had to be something totally vile and offensive about me and Lola to warrant that kind of hostility. Drove me half nuts.

Glad you found the site!
I too learned about AS when I was 40. When we were kids, there was no understanding of autism.
I'm so sad to hear about all the bullying. The problem I had was invisibility. I didn't exist - everybody ignored me, my entire school life.

Hello Rups, welcome to WrongPlanet!

Welcome to WrongPlanet!