How do you parents cope with the constant sadness?

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Honestly, I want to know how you all deal with feeling sad about your child and the difficulties that they face --

There are some days when all of the problems come at exactly the same time -- the difficulties with school, executive dysfunction, naivety, and kids at school bullying my son. I really don't know if I can handle it anymore. I won't give up on him, of course, because he's terrific. But my ability to bounce back, saying "everything is going to be fine" eventually, is waning. I don't know if everything is going to be fine for my son. And I don't see how anything that I am doing is really helping him any more. And I don't have anybody to talk to who will understand. My husband, although a wonderful man, doesn't feel this pain as deeply as I do. My mother has Alzheimer's, and my sisters have their own problems. I have a good circle of girlfriends, but they can't really relate to this.

How do you deal with it all?

I'd been there and done that as a child, so I'm comfortable with it.

Your aspergers child will always carry sadness - depression is extremely common with aspergers. One day your child will learn to separate the sadness of aspergers from the normal sadness of life. Things will improve then.

In the meantime, you need to remember that people with aspergers often come over as having restricted emotions. Not because those emotions really are restricted but because they don't display the same wide range in the same manner as neurotypical people. You might think that your son is sad - and he might be... but equally, it might simply be his quiet nature making him seem sad.

Believe in him and he will be fine.

Yeah, I kept telling myself that everything would be fine. But it wasn't fine. Some days were just ok, but those days where they really suffer from the bullying at school and being left out were so hard to take. It would leave him feeling depressed and defeated, thus leaving me depressed and hopeless.
It was heartbreaking to see him this way, and we finally took him out of school (11th grade at a tech school). He is very happy now doing all his work at his own pace in Keystone online high school.
But there is still sadness and dissappointment. I didn't think things would be this way. So I've had to adjust my attitude (no help from the husband). I am there to lift him up when he needs it, and I have high hopes for his future, but can't push him since it leads to anxiety.
I just get joy out of whatever goes well for him. It's mostly exhausting keeping up with getting him to everything he needs to go to. But I figure I'll do it for him until he can do it for himself (I hope)
It's hard to face that life isn't going to be the way we thought. I'm glad that you have friends, but it's hard for them to truly understand. I hop that you can be uplifted by any small victories your child has, and any fun times had together.

I consider myself to have (undiagnosed) Aspergers, and I'm sure my son has it.
He has many sad days, and sometimes I cause sadness in him when I am trying to explain things or there's miscommunication between us.
As a Mom, I don't want him to be sad. I hate it and it hurts me as much as it hurts him. I want to protect him from that.
But, also as a Mom, I know that protecting him from everything harsh in the world won't help him at all. The world IS unkind and plenty of sad things will happen to him during his life. Pretending this isn't so is negligent.

You need to face these things with your child and teach him how to move through the feelings. Teach him to understand that he IS going to hurt and his life won't be easy, but he's not alone in that. Nobody's life is easy. If he longs to fit in then well, now he fits in.

Just because things don't happen the way you want them to or things don't go your way doesn't mean life is horrible.

That's just what happens.

That's life. There is good times and bad times, if you're feeling a bad time, then take comfort knowing that soon enough, a good time will come again.

Thanks so much, everyone, for your kind words. It just helps to know that there are others out there who understand what I am feeling. I feel better today, and I'll feel even better today. Like you said, Vivienne, the good times will come again.

Funny thing is -- for the most part, I think my son is HAPPY. Yes, HAPPY. Go figure. He just always seems to see the good in everybody, and doesn't recognize that he is being bullied. I get sad because yesterday, I was asking him about his friends, and he and another kid on the spectrum at his school decided yesterday to eat lunch with the class clowns of his age group at school. He told me about experiences with these boys in the past, and I'm fairly sure what they have done (in the past) to my son and his friend is to get them to say things that make themselves look or sound stupid, i.e. the class clowns ask my son and his friend to say something slow and drawn out, in what NT's would consider a "ret*d" manner, and my son and his friend do it, and think that they are just joking around with the class clowns. In reality, the cool guys are making my son and his friend look stupid. And I have to be the one to tell my son "Look, they are making fun of you, they aren't laughing with you, they are laughing AT you." And I have to try to say this in the kindest manner that I can, but see the sign of recognition that, yes, my son finally understands this what is being done to he and his friend. Saddest day of my life.

He forgets this stuff quickly enough, and because he's very young for his age and resilient, it bounces off him. For now. But someday, it's all going to make sense, and he's going to feel more hurt and alone. And, as a parent, what can be done? Not much.

So, his sadness, at least so far, is not an issue, and I hope that it continues that way. My sadness, on the other hand, is extremely palpable right now.

I hear you Schlep. Hang in there...one day at a time.

DW_a_Mom, DenvrDave, and others as well, thanks so much for the encouragement!

I especially enjoyed this:

since i had similar social problems i know it is not the end of the world being different and also a few strategies how to avoid problems in school (rule #1 find a weird friend, #2 have couple of things/experiences that popular kids don't have).

on the other hand I never, ever thought that my social awkwardness was such a problem. i mean some people have problem with math, some are overweight, some are ugly and i have difficulty with people so what? My NT mother always tries to "defend" me in public but feel the similar "sorriness" for my inaptness and my unusual ways. I know she can not comprehend my way of thinking so I am not angry or resentful and I try to bridge the gap by trying to understand her. I am trying to tell that having someone feeling sorry for me is much worse that having couple of class clowns pulling a stupid joke on me. I always knew they are somewhat dumb and insecure and that is why they do it so I never payed them much attention (didn't have anything severe though).

I don't know if I do really. I bury it very deep because it hurts so much. But doing this means that it never really heals.

Like, I remember one day in the play ground at my daughter's school. She was only 5 and this was her first term at school. She had managed to make herself a special friend who she was completely attached too. The pair of them were inseperable in school. This girl's mother hated the fact that her daughter was friends with mine. I've no idea why, my daughter is angel at school.

This girl was having a birthday party and had brought the invitations to give out at school. My daughter was very excited and followed her around as she was giving them out. And then it dawned on her that she wasn't getting one. The shutters came down and she put on her 'act like I'm not bothered when really my heart is breaking' face and came and stood very close to me.

Her friend later told her that she wanted her there more than anyone else but her mum wouldn't let her.

And now I have tears in my eyes and my heart feels like it is breaking even though it happened 11 years ago.

Unbelievable, MotherKnowsBest. What a horrible, horrible woman that mother must be. (a) Excluding your daughter for no good reason. (b) Breaking the gold rule of NEVER handing out invitations at school, unless you intend to invite absolutely everyone. Some people just don't care who they hurt, do they? THAT is something I'll NEVER understand.

PS- Schlep - I'm glad I gave you a chuckle. Hang in there!

How old is your child?

AnotherOne --

You have NO IDEA how much your post helped me. THIS is the reason why I continue to check in on WrongPlanet, because I absolutely need to see things from an Aspie point of view. You are SO RIGHT. I hadn't really realized that maybe it is more unappealing to my son to be felt sorry for than to have been made to feel stupid by a so-called friend at one time.

Also, your point of finding one weird friend is very valid. My older son managed to do this, and high school wasn't so bad. Our problem is that our son hasn't clicked with one person yet. He's got quite a few so-so friends, but not one in particular. Nobody besides a quite nice kid a couple of years younger comes over to our house. We have to initiate everything as far as asking people over. BUT, having said that, maybe that's just the way things are nowadays -- maybe until you have a driver's license, you don't really do a lot (my son's 13 years old, CockneyRebel).

MotherKnowsBest, that is just an awful story about your daughter and her friend. What was that mother thinking? Talk about shallow. If I had experienced that, I would never forget it either. It would still hurt me as well.

I would also like to add that I have to try and see some situations through her understanding rather than my own. I remember telling the specialist at the hospital that I thought she was suffering from depression because she spent all her time in her room, alone and not doing very much. I thought she must be feeling so lonely and sad and this in turn made me feel very sad for her.

He talked to her about it and it turned out that she wasn't in the least bit bothered. She actually quite enjoyed the peace and quiet. She felt that she got enough noise and chit-chat at school.

I am glad to be helpful .

Regarding a friend, it is ok to have someone even if it is not a close friend. The purpose is to have social protection from school bullies, since they will less likely attack if there is a group of 2-3 than one. The other advice about having something special is a long the same lines. If social bullies know that you have something that they don't and that makes you happy, it will be valued no matter of it's realistic value (remember Tom Sawyer and painting the fence).

Schleppenheimer,
Perhaps your child really is depressed. We went through this with our AS son. Our Dr. prescribed an anit-depressant ( wellbutrin) and it seems to be working. While I'm not a "better living through chemistry" kind of person, depression can be caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. No amount of talk or "cheering up" can change that.

I'm sorry that you don't have much support. That just makes the job much harder. As for disappointment in how things turn out, I often turn to my faith. There were many thigns I wanted to do with myself as a young adult, but somehow my life took on a very different course. I think our Creator's plans for us don't often co-incide with what we feel is our destiny.

Hang In There