Would you walk away from this relationship or stay?

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I know it is long, but ...

I have been friends with this guy (I will call him "B") for about 15 years now. The relationship is of a sexual nature, although we are definitely not exclusive. He has other girls, I do not have other guys, mostly because of lack of interest in them and the social aspects involved in the dating game. In the past year, problems have arisen in respect to his other interests despite my attitude that I really do not care what goes on as long as protection is involved. I just do not feel capable of being jealous or of trying to force him into a monogamous relationship when that is not his way.

First was with "D," who is also a long-time friend. I know her and we are both aware of the relationship we have with B. Well, being what I am I said something wrong and let on that I had seen him when she had not in a while. I need to add that she is pretty sensitive anymore since she had a stroke a few years ago. She recovered nicely, but it left her pretty emotional. Therefore she went nuts said some very awful things to me, complained to him and I am the one who got a lecture about social skills and not upsetting D, the uber-sensitive. She hurt me pretty badly, but I felt like I was made out to be the "bad guy" by upsetting D. B apologized and promised he would not treat me like that again.

Fast forward about 4 months. B and I were planning on getting together. It got canceled because he forgot that was the weekend his son's Boy Scout troop was going camping. But that got canceled in turn because of a freak blizzard. I do not know the circumstances, but D fell apart and he rushed up to see her. Fine. She needed a shoulder to cry on, so initially it did not bother me. What set me off was that she IMed me gloating that B came to see her and did not see me like initially planned and that just showed that he thinks more highly of her than me. B spent the weekend talking me out of leaving and was not happy with D. D, in turn, blamed everything on me. Again, I got talked to about trusting B more and having more understanding. Not quite understanding why I was at fault for this, I thought "What about her? She is the one who started it! What right does she to have jealousy issues when she knew how it was from the start?" As a result, things were strained between B and I for a while.

If I may digress a bit, I would like to note that normally B is a very good friend. He is the one who encouraged me to go to law school, mentored me through it, has been there whenever I have a crisis, all of it. It just seems that things change when other women are involved, I am the one who should be trusting and understanding while they are allowed to hurt me.

That was in April; things have been fine since then until a little over a week ago. "L" has been flirting with B openly on his Facebook page, which has upset a lot of his friends. It upset a mutual friend of ours who knows our situation and called him out on it, as well as bringing the situation to the attention of L, who promptly messaged me and told me the following:
a) B was with her now and her alone.
b) She was going to marry him.
c) I need to just get out of B's life because I am no longer needed. She specifically said "I know it hurts, but it is time for you to step aside and let B and I be happy together."
d) If I was a true friend I would let go instead of fighting.

My response upon reading this was: Huh? What is going on? Posts show up on B's wall from her saying that he gave her a diamond ring in Mafia Wars and that is just a sign of things to come. Love songs show up. After seeing all this and thinking it through, I reply to her that I really am just a friend and I do not give a damn who he sleeps with. B and I call back and forth that whole day and he admits being very interested in her. This would not bother me under other circumstances, but as she has deliberately attempted to cause me as much pain as possible with her mailings, I am angry at him to the point that I am at the verge of just walking away. It does not help when my friend sends me the messages she got from L, who now knows I am an Aspie, basically ridiculing me for being what I am and threatening to make sure I am out of B’s life for good.

That Sunday I go to see him. We had this planned out before, but now it seems to be an attempt to fix the situation. Things are good, but turn sour when I joke on his wall that I have to get out of a warm bed to help him do a job on Mafia Wars. It is not 30 seconds later that she IMs him saying how evil I am and asking what kind of sick game I am playing at. Immediately he deletes my post and yells at me for rocking the boat. Oh? And she has not with her little comments? I see they do not get deleted. I try to explain that it was innocent, I was not trying to provoke anyone. I know better than to play mind games because I cannot compete on that level with an NT. Apparently, they "break up" because she cannot handle him being with me. The feeling I get out of what I read in the IMs B let me read is that I am some kind of home wrecker and she is the jilted wife.

Yet, this week he admits to still talking to her because she fascinates him and says to me "I have to flirt with her because otherwise she will not talk to me." I feel VERY hurt by this revelation and by the fact that every single thing she has posted has stayed on his wall despite it hurting me very deeply, yet anything I posted that she complained about has come down, and I certainly do not flirt in public with him or try to play mind games with his other friends. I am very lost right now, very much on the edge and trying to decide if I should just leave B. I have told him that the posts hurt and he tells me not to go to his Facebook page. I still know they are there and that hurts badly. What if another guy announced on my Facebook page or messaged him that I was going to be exclusively with him and all others can just go to hell? I know he would be hurt by that because I have not taken another lover in all these years and he would ask me to take it down. How is what he is doing to me any different?

Also, several others are upset by this and we have all talked. I do not talk to the other girls, and I did not reach out to them. Nor do I know how the hell they got my name. But one has stopped talking to him and several others feel they are going to follow suit if he continues like this. Personally, I do not understand why he is willing to give up real friendships for some manipulative, scheming (she outright admits flirting with Mafia Wars guy players to get good stuff from them) woman who incidentally lives half a world away. I am not alone in thinking she is destructive (speculation from one friend of his is she is some kind of man hater for whatever reason and is only going to end up stringing him along then just dumping him) and it is going to come down to him siding with her and losing a lot of his friends or letting her go and seeing where true friendship lies.

I am thinking of letting him go because I just cannot handle this anymore. We talked all day yesterday, but I woke up this morning with the feeling that he is simply smoothing my ruffled feathers warring with the feeling that I need to trust him. But I do not want to be hurt anymore; I just cannot handle it to any further extent. It has gone beyond me trusting him. This shows a blatant lack of respect for me and all his other friends who have been affected by this as far as I am concerned.

I need some advice. Badly. Either that or to just give up on NTs entirely.

To be honest I think you have given this far more than the "old college try" and should move on. He is showing that he is more than willing to take practically any woman's word and feelings over yours. This has nothing to do with being ok with him being Poly, this is a matter of respect, or in this case a marked lack of. I say go one further and just drop him from facebook friends altogether so that his other women cannot stalk you. It sounds as if it is only going to continue to get worse.

Sounds like he's not so good at juggling in his old age. I don't think you should give up on NTs. You might find aspie guys too boring after all that drama. But you should meet someone who cares about you.

Don't give up on NTs as a whole, but definitely give this one the boot. What age is he? 15?

I wonder if you should deactivate your facebook account for a while, just so you can take a break from all this unnessecary drama, or as Morbid Miss suggests, delete him.

I have been in a similar situation and it has taken me a long time to realize that I was just being used for convenience. Unfortunately, I have two kids with the jerk, so I am tied to him for the rest of my life. I don't think you need the drama that he puts you through and that you should seek a healthy relationship - one in which your feelings are respected. I am NT, so I don't think its an NT vs. Aspie thing.

I think you've outgrown him, hon. If you're truly willing to be in a poly relationship, there are lots of men out there who know how to treat their partners with respect. I think now's a good time to find one of them. Good luck.

Yeah, I think I need to. We are all in our 30s, but I feel like I am dealing with teenagers. Thanks, guys.

It's never easy to just walk away from an abusive person. It's obvious there are already anger issues, and when they are crossed, they become more violent. Staying with someone who is violent can get you killed. It's a very touchy dangerous situation.

I agree with HappyinCO in that it has nothing to do with whether he is an NT or not. If your situation is causing you so much distress, you should end it.

Basically, he's a jerk and you need to put your own interests first. Use him for your own benefit (e.g. company, sex, entertainment, ...) and dump him either as soon as you meet somewone more interesting or when you have no more use for him.

That's what I would do in your situation.

he's not being forthright and honest about his intentions and is instead probably telling everyone something different and letting people 'fight it out' over him.

I see one other problem here and that is that you are not accepting his obvious defects. He's proven to lie, misrepresent, pass the buck, and be deceptive, but you are still looking to him to be the arbiter of fairness in this relationship and by doing so you are handing him an knife to stab you 'in the front' with. Because he's not cabable of that. I can totally relate to what you are doing but if you want to keep on you are going to have to accept how completely full of s**t he is and just get your thrills without emotional investment.