Question from 23 year-old AS male; week-old self-diagnosis

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Hey there. Until roughly a week ago, my entire life was up in the air. I had intrests and desires but no direction or ideas on how encorporate them into a productive lifestyle. However, I've had, perhaps, the most significant appiffany to date (I want to say life-changing, but it is clearly too soon to make that statement) in that I suffer from AS/HFA/ some neurological mis-wiring.

The signs were there and the people around me may have tossed out hints, but my lack of understanding social ques and the like, prevented me from thinking the issues were any more than the learning disabilities I had seen a tutor for all throughout grade school. Once I was able to get past denial issues, I realized AS explains many of the peculiarities of my childhood and young adult life.

I've come to terms with all of this and I now want to use my knowledge as motivating force to improve my behavior. Through reflection, I ponder my daily interactions and possible missed ques, then, consider the approriate way of handling the situation, and making a more general rule for the behavior.

Here, my readers, lies the question:
I want to be so prepared for any social situation that I will no longer appear distant. To be ready for any conversation invovles thinking a few steps ahead. Does this "social preparation" make my life as if I'm reading from a script?

Welcome to WP!

I think most aspies spend a lot of time rehearsing and working on conversation scripts for handling situations, and also in analysis after interactions. It's very complex though, and it takes years of practice (and lots of mistakes along the way) to be able to "blend in", and quite a few of us don't see much reason to do that.

It helps me that I can, though, because of the work I do, although I don't bother to deal with anyone socially that doesn't accept me as I am. I've read a few autobiographical descriptions of aspies who have learned to handle social situations to some degree, and it seems a universal conclusion that the older you get, the easier it is. Eventually you know so many scripts and so many possible outcomes, and you get better at reading signals also. If it's something that's important to you, you can learn to do it over time.

a lot of my life consists of script-reading and filtering the content in my head and what comes out of my mouth (i.e. how long have I been talking, did I ask the other person how they are or what they think, what kind of response will I get if I say that, etc. etc.) that it's way easier than it used to be.

along the way I've met some people who don't get offended if I don't filter, and it's a blessed relief to spend time with them.

I've noticed, though, that if I go to a store or cafe a lot, it's a nice thing when they look happy to see you and you get great service, and I think I've managed to accomplish that by learning the art of using open ended questions to learn about people then memorize details about them and use that data to make an effort to notice changes or ask them questions... it's something that took years, and I learned as an adult, and it's all conscious, but since I don't know what it's like to communicate any other way, I don't consider it scripted so much as I consider it interaction in analytical mode.

Your idea of wanting to script your interactions is a very Aspie sort of thing to want to do in the first place.

I'm 49 and a lot better at handling social situations now than when I was your age. It is simply down to experience. I am also more self confident which helps enormously. I sometimes think ahead about particular social encounters but it is impossible to cater for all outcomes. Social interactions work best for me if they are logical and have a specific purpose - formal business meetings for example. Social interactions with colleagues or relatives tend to be unscripted and sometimes more difficult.

The worst social encounters are those of a confrontational nature e.g. going to complain about something faulty bought from a shop etc. I try to act logically but if I'm met with obstinacy then I simply don't know what to say or do. Similarly if people are verbally abusive or confrontational with me I'm lost. As a youth I simply punched such people in the face but that behaviour tends to be frowned upon as you get older.

You do have one huge advantage in your favour though - at least you will know why you are acting in certain ways now. I had never heard of Aspergers until around 2 years ago. This meant I went through a lot of anguish in my life without knowing why I was different to other people.

Anyway. Good luck!

Hello! I was about 16/17 (can't remember exactly) when I found out about AS and it described me perfectly! I too went through a brief period of denial but when I sat and watched videos of me as a baby/child I suddenly realised that I was spinning the wheels on toys, ignoring my mother (v. unusual for a baby) and I had a constant 'sulk' on my face which I never realised until watching the videos back! I was officially diagnosed two years ago, but I never worried abuot that. Just finding out what it might be was good enough for me!

I am better at social situations than I used to be, but still i find them difficult and tiring. I do a lot of rehearsing and a lot of post-event analysis.
I am 47 and I have learned a lot about social skills in the past 11 years. I can do some social chit chat even though it bores me to tears. I have to work very hard at it and I also monologue naturally and am hyper-verbal, so I have to "reign myself in" a lot and constantly be on guard against my tendency to either retreat completely or "hijack" conversations with my opinion or my special interest subjects. This is so tiring that I actually prefer just to avoid the whole thing, except when I am REALLY wanting to see people ...which does happen sometimes. I often switch off in groups as there is too much stimulus and I cannot keep up. But all in all, things are better than they used to be.

I still prefer my own company and i do not want to be "NT."

I suggest you buy a book on basic social skills and read it and learn some of what to do.
I also think getting into some special interests groups can help.

and also let yourself simply be "you." You is good enough!

good luck with it.

Self scripting conversations have never worked for me, largely because conversations move around far too much. Watch two people talk and you'll see the speed with which conversations can change topic.

Your first step is persevere. if a conversation starts going wrong, keep at it. I used to think people hated me when they started looking uncomfortable during conversation, since diagnosis I realise my conversation was abnormal, hence keep talking and at worse they'll merely be bemused but at best you'll eventually get the conversation going properly and it'll be a success.

Second step, following from the first, is practice. I have improved through practice although the limit you eventually reach is still far from perfect. That said, you might occasionally find someone you can talk, so every failed conversation is worth it if you finally stumble across someone who you do talk to easily.

Assuming that you are on the Autism Spectrum, welcome to the cruise.

You will initially have to be reading from a script if you are interested in making social improvements.

You may get better at working from the script and even become very adept but you will be using your logical faculties to cope, instead of your intuition.

Not sure which question you are really asking.

1. Can I grow and develop my/an intuition?
2. Can I become very competent socially through Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, lots of reading, lots of practice and lots of determination?

From what I have read the answers seem to be;

1. NO
2. YES