Coming out of the closet

Post Reply New Topic

So I'm trying to figure out if it would be wise to reveal that I have Aspergers to friends, work, etc.

Looking to see what other's experiences are after being diagnosed later in life and revealing this to other people.

I've been discussing this heavily with my sister and since both coming to this realization, she has been treating me a bit differently. I think we actually have gotten closer since, as now I think she is better understanding of why I do/don't do things.

BUT, and thats a big BUT, I don't want to be given a kitchen pass or have people feel sorry for me. I've worked my whole life proving myself without expecting anything be given to me. I don't want to see that change, and not looking to change it. I don't want to be treated less then or bettern then anyone. If I'm given a preference for something, I want it to be for my hard, successful work and cause I'm qualified, not cause I'm "special". Also wondering how friends reacted. I understand that real friends will be still be there, but I don't want to be felt sorry for.

Thoughts from the community?

I discussed the possibility [very close undiagnosed] with one relative. The most likely to be an objective oberver. He rejected the idea, zaccusing me of looking for excuses for my behavior. Which I have never sought nor offered.

I do not plan to spread it around. My thinking is this:

My world is divided into

A people who may ask me about my life and health but are totally lacking interest in my answers

A smaller group who actually listen with some interest though without much understanding.

A very small group who share data with interest and understanding.

I will happily discuss it with group 3. I may mention it to group 2 if it comes up. Group 1 does not want to know, might use it against me [I count trying to FIX me as against me], and like most topics I will not bring it up.

Only mention it to those you are close to - other people are likely to unfairly judge you by whatever other examples of people with AS they know or can imagine. Don't attribute too many of your behavioural quirks to AS even if you can see the connection.

Also, though I've seen "coming out of the closet" used around here as a euphemism for revealing AS, don't tell other people that you're "coming out of the closet" because this is generally misleading.

I have constant difficulties due to being somewhat of an authority figure and am often in uncomfortably socially intense situations.

I am on "manual-pilot" and am perpetually coming to stumbling blocks where I don't know the proper way to behave...and I have felt the need to explain myself sometimes with positive and sometimes with negative results.

An example of a positive result is:
I have let the people who work for me know that I am on the spectrum, and have in turn come to learn about some of their neuro-differences....
One of my employees is a total ADDer he was even medicated as a small child and talks about how the static in his head drives him nuts...he has all kinds of neuro-wiring issues, but he is HYPER-social....and a poster child for the difference between AS and ADD...

Another guy is super quiet and has a hyperactive mind that is totally understimulated and he talks about how he constantly feels alone wherever he goes.

I have explained my issues to the best of my ability during the rare lucid occasions when I am able to interract...and I think it has been helpful in my not seeming so scary and standoffish at least to some of them....
There are some who still don't get it....The girls are terrified of me and think that I hate them just because I have not been able to speak to them....

An example of a negative result would be last night when this really shrill...obviously on pills or something girl came in and expected me to remember her and all of these little details from some event that took place a long time ago...and she kept trying to be aggressively social and was repeating the same stuff to me over and over again till finally I told her to back off because I was slightly autistic and was finding her approach to be very intimidating....

THAT is an example of a time when I should NOT of disclosed it....she ended up rearing backwards like a frightened horse and splashing her plate of food everywhere..then she offered me a xanax....(she must have been on xanax)...
That put her off me for the rest of the night at least...but she acted very sniffy towards me and I wish I could have handled the situation better and not mentioned it.

I am in a position where there are lots of people who come along and want to be aggressively social with me and I simply cannot go along with it...and some of these people....the ones who I see frequently....I have told...but i need to make a habit of only disclosing to strangers if it is an emergency.

You mean lack there of a connection?

I only tell close friends & those my symptoms may be witnessed by.

When I was first diagnosed in 2004 it was a whole new discovery for me and I kind of felt excited because I didn't understand what AS is, I though it just meant a non-comformist that daydreams a lot, so at school I went to my friends like "hey guess what I just found out...!" and I was open about it untill I was 12. When I understood more about the symptoms I became embarassed about it and even went through a patch of denial in 2008. I never tell my peers now unless they have it themselves. I tell adults like teachers or doctors and things because my mum insists I do, I've recently had to visit a mental health group called "changes" because I've had alot of anxiety recently, anyway when we were talking to the woman that works there one of the first things my mum mentioned was the AS, but she didn't say it though she said "very mild autism" instead because people know more about that than AS. It does get embarrassing when my mum blurts it out to people, she tells me that I'm really mild and I'm barely on the borderline and I don't need to tell anyone but then goes and blurts it out to people anyway and would have a go at me if I didn't mention it in my college application.

I work as the lead software engineer for a large company. Now that I have been there for two years, we have established a system where I work hard behind the scenes, and nobody really knows/cares about the systems provided they just work.

My team is handful of nice people, and we have a good "work system" established. I work from home, email is my communication. My co-workers seem to like me, but any time I try to socialize after hours, I can sense conversations quickly run out of gas, and I mercifully give them an exit, which they always take.

I am tempted to go out on a limb and shed some light on my condition in confidentiality.
Wouldnt it be great if everyone gained some understanding and acceptance, and appreciated my courage to share something so personal!

The sad reality is that if you bring attention to your unique condition, it is likely to be perceived as a disability, and it will be irreversibly taken into consideration with everything you say, every decision you make. This can damage crucial credibility. When it comes to the workplace, there is a french proverb that applies nicely: To live happy, live hidden. This is a hard pill to swallow, I know.

It's one of those "win the battle, lose the war" sort of things, though, isn't it? Like a German Jew in the thirties being glad that noone knew, perhaps.

I work in a situation where more than half the people around me are unusual in one way or another. Few of them know about it, as far as I can see, although that's changing. Slowly. We're all discriminated against - hell, who isn't these days - and the organisation relies on us all going on doing what we're used to just as it has for decades. In ignorance, compounded by recursive undiscussability.

There are laws in this part of the world that promise to exact severe penalties from organisations indulging in this sort of exploitation of their workers - even if it is done in ignorance. Maybe it's just another aspie thing, but I can't help thinking my children's children will grow up in a better place if we air the topic a little more.

To what benefit or end - to reveal it?

Are you looking for understanding or sympathy or what?

I mean sometimes less is more if you get my drift.

Just looking to get a sense from the crowd on the different experiences. To be honest, I haven't really thought hard about it, but I'm one who usually operates on experiences of the past and this is new.

Sympathy is not nor ever been an interest.

So, the mood of the group tends towards "I'm nearly normal - treat me as though I was and I'll deal with the rest"

And to hell with the generations to come. If I can get through growing up without knowing about aspergers, so can they. If I have to live in a society geared to exclude aspies and other differences, so can they.

I don't know about the rest, but I'm in the process of getting a diagnoses, already pretty much received one from a Therapist, just don't have a paper saying so. Anyway, the focus is not for myself, though I do want to understand me better. It' about my daughter as she seems to have very similar traits. She's the one who has drivin me to learn all that I can about Asperger's, so I can help her and the world around her understand better. I won't be spreading it around to every tom/dick/harry, but I will let those who will have a heavy influence in her life know, so that she isn't yelled at her entire childhood for things she doesn't understand.

I've never bothered because I know that I'd have to get into a lot of explanation. Plus, a lot of people in my life don't even believe that ADHD exists. They think that things like psychological and neurological disorders are just crutches. So, anytime something happens that makes me freak out (like, sensory things) I either just pretend it isn't bothering me or blame it on something else (like PMS if I'm around women or a migraine in mixed company... I mean anyone can relate to a headache but try explaining a complex neurological difference)

I am getting T-shirt so the WHOLE world will know......

And I don't have to explain......

Because I don't have the first clue how to........still trying to work it out.

Mics

I don't like being labeled by people other than "professionals". I don't discuss my differences with commoners...they'll never understand or have respect. They can go and point their boney fingers at themselves.