I don't know what to do anymore

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Firstly I will start by explaining my situation.

I am with a guy who is disabled and so unable to work or function properly and spends a lot of his time in pain. For me, this is horrible watching him go through this as I don't like seeing someone I love in this amount of pain. Basically, he had an accident when he was young which has left his back permanently crippled and has had 2 operations on his spine in the past just so he walks straight. He now also needs physiotherapy for his knees as one of them is knackered after an accident he had about three years ago. He also suffers from Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis and is on some hardcore medication for that as he is very ill with it and has been for years. He has also had two operations on his bowels meaning he only has half of them left. As I'm sure most of you reading this can understand, this means that he understandably often feels depressed, is unable to sleep properly and can get quite snappy. So I always try to ensure that the housework is done or done to the point where we can function, that meals are cooked (although he sometimes does this) etc to make his life a little easier and so he can relax more and spend the day on his computer, playing his guitar or whatever hobby he wants as he may as well enjoy whatever he can as the quality of his life is so crap. However, sometimes doing all this makes me tired as I also have to go to work 5 days a week, I have an exercise routine that I do 4 times a week and I am also studying for a diploma in Criminology, so I'm an extremely busy person. But then I'd rather be busy than sedentary so I'm not going to complain about that, but it does mean that I don't often get to go out out or have much fun.

Now that I have explained my situation I will now outline my problems. I sometimes feel that whatever I do for him isn't good enough as he makes slights about what I do - 'you haven't done this right' or 'why haven't you done this yet?', just little things like that. I also ask him how he is, but not too much as I know he doesn't like it. But he never asks how I am and takes little interest in my life or anything I do and tells me what I am studying is a pile of crap. His attitude towards me sometimes is very unsupportive. I lay no conditions on him whereas he lays conditions on me, and the tone he usually takes is 'if you do this then you can f*** off', whereas I would never do that to him. This makes me feel that while I love him unconditionally as you should do with a partner, he doesn't feel the same i.e. I love him much more than he sems to love me, and I find this vey hurtful. Plus I have made some sacrifices/compromises for him recently that he doesn't seem to appreciate and he refuses to make any sacrifices or compromises for me. I was offered a job in Scotland and had to turn it down as he point blank refused to move there with me, despite the salary being very good. I am now working in a job with a lower wage that is only temporary instead of that one (which would have been permanent and a high salary), I am socially isolated as I am finding it tough to make friends at my job despite being nice to people. Where I work, I am often alone and busy so I don't get the chance to say 'hi' to people so I am often forgotten about. I am not included in after work drinks and no-one goes to lunch with me. My friends outside of work are either broke, busy or depressed and so I don't see them very often or some of them have moved out of my area. So my day consists of me being on my own or with my boss at work, lunching on my own, not have others to socialise with that often (if at all) and then going home to someone who doesn't seem to love me anymore and doesn't appreciate me. Plus I wanted to go to a festival that is coming up this year, which he said he would take me to, but has now pulled out of it as he doesn't want me to go, meaning that I now have no way of getting there or having somewhere to sleep as I cannot afford to go on my own. He also informed me last night that he told me he would take me as a joke and that he wasn't being serious, a bit like a couple of years ago when he said he wanted us to get married and then later said he meant it as a joke. I feel like he thinks my wants and feelings are a joke. If he actually asked me how I was, he would soon discover how I was feeling, but as he isn't interested he won't. I am also reluctant to say anything to him as, at the moment, no time seems to be a good time. He is in a lot of pain and a family friend of his died about three weeks ago. However, I am beginning to feel a little resentful and hurt by his continuing behaviour towards me and I am struggling to cope. All I want is to be loved and have my thoughts, wants and feelings taken seriously as opposed to being brushed off all the time. However, I think that if I try and speak to him, he will ignore me because of what he's going through or break up with me.

If you truly love him, you should be there for him and be supportive of him. And reassure him that you will always be there for him, and if he does leave, it's his loss.

This guy seems to be an ass. Reread what you have typed and pretend that it is someone else when you're doing this.

This guy doesn't seem to apreciate you. Also the 'jokes' are nasty, what kind of guy says that he wants to get married and then says 'only joking'.

Are you able to afford to leave him? If you can, then sit him down and explain things to him. It doesn't seem healthy for you the way things are going and so it would be a very good idea if things changed. Just because he's in pain (of any type) doesn't give him the right to mentally abuse you.

poor you Fiz *big hugs* I dont have any advice but I really feel for you and hope it works out ok.

Fiz, could you show him the writing that you posted so that he can understand how you feel and see that how hard you are trying to help him?

He might need to be shown what it is like for you so that he can change. He needs to go out of his way to do kind things for you as you have done for him. If he cares about you i am sure that he will understand, sometimes people who have difficulty functioning forget about other people feelings because they are struggiling so much with their own difficulties.

I'm going to throw out a theory which may be way off base. But I still want to throw it out there.

The description of your relationship sounds like it has slid away from the romantic and into the mother-figure. He is behaving exactly like a grumpy, annoying teenage boy who demands that Mom do everything for him because that is Mom's job and he doesn't have to do anything in return because Parents Suck. You are behaving like a frazzled, loving Mom who is wondering what happened to the sweet tot who used to kiss her and has been replaced by this grumpy, sullen teen. It is probably his physical problems that pushed you away from the romantic dynamic and towards a caregiver dynamic.

Time to get away from mothering and back to an adult couples relationship. More kissing. Less caretaking.

Or not. I could be incredibly wrong. But it's something to try.

This would be a good case for couple's therapy, because there seems to be a bit of a communication breakdown. At the very least, you both need to have a very honest discussion both about the trajectory of this relationship, and also the full implications if he does succeed in driving you away. I don't think your relationship is doomed, quite the opposite. But this is no time to be prancing around the root issues, or it will become too late to return back to what brought you together in the first place.

I'm all for couples therapy, but have you talked to him about this yet? And told him you can't handle the relationship the way it is going now?
I think some allowances can be made for someone who is in pain and feeling crappy. But I don't think having a disability should mean he can behave like an ass permanently. So decide whether you really want to spend your life next to someone who treats you that way. And don't let his disability influence your decision.

If I was you, I would highly recommend you try to talk to him about how you feel about the way he has been treating you lately, but don't forget he seems crippled and it could be affecting him the same way aswell and with issues like this, communication is the solution because you can talk to him about what has been bothering you and he could talk to you about what's bothering him.

Things like this works both ways and cannot be a one way thing, otherwise it isn't going to work out too well.

You have to be pretty firm too because being soft is not going to always work, I had to be like that when me and my girlfriend had this argument that was going on and eventually got split up for it... Since I started to be pretty firm (no psychical violence), we haven't had any problems and we started talking again and eventually got back together again.

Hopefully this is helpful information for you.


- superboyian

> I sometimes feel that whatever I do for him isn't good enough as he makes slights about what I do - 'you haven't done this right' or 'why haven't you done this yet?', just little things like that. I also ask him how he is, but not too much as I know he doesn't like it. But he never asks how I am and takes little interest in my life or anything I do and tells me what I am studying is a pile of crap. His attitude towards me sometimes is very unsupportive.

It makes no sense to me that you would put up with this and everything else you've written about his hurtful joking about things that are important to you and so on. There seems to be no good reason to stay with him. Geez, he can't even be bothered to communicate with you and resolve issues.

Fiz, talk to him and basically tell him everything you just told us. If he dismisses your feelings, leave him right then and there.

I'm really sorry. I can just feel how demoralizing this is for you. You deserve someone who will also take care of you and be your soft place to fall.

I think it is uniquely hard when you love someone with disabilities, because it is so painful to make a decision to leave the person and the "love" also becomes wound up in physically taking care of the person. My aspie husband was with a blind woman for years prior to me, and he suffered badly trying to extricate himself from that relationship. He stayed for several years after it was no good for him, and she'd even moved to a separate bedroom!, just doing all her chores, work, cooking, driving, etc.

One of the most egalitarian concepts is: You two are completely equal. He isn't less of a person because he is disabled. So, from there - - he is responsible for 50% of the relationship between the two of you. He may need help with physical assistance, but emotionally he's half the pair. Your needs are equally as important as his. If he can't function in the relationship, then it is only just and fair for you to find someone who can be a full partner to you.

You seem like a lovely person, I'm sorry you are going through this.