'came out' as Aspie, now being treated poorly?

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AKA, "'came out' as having AS, now being given the cold treatment...or am I just paranoid?"

I would actually have kept this brief, if the details weren't so important. I know that seeing essays of posts may discourage most people from reading (too much like hard work lol). So I hope that the length of this post doesn't deter anyone. Anyways...

(edit: oh what the hell lol, the details may be important but most people may not care to read them, so I've added a 'super condensed' version. Yeah, genius aren't I )


SUPER CONDENSED VERSION
Got a job last year (most likely) by declining to mention my AS. Was fine there until two months ago when a misunderstanding with a colleague led me to confess my condition to said colleague and boss, with both of whom I previously had a good relationship. Now their attitude toward me seems to have changed for the worse, but I'm not sure if I'm actually just overly paranoid about it or it's really happened. Concerned about what to do. Should I confront them, thereby running the risk of having my suspicions confirmed, being called paranoid, or possibly even losing my job? Or should I just suck it up and deal with it (work isn't always a bowl of cherries and most of us have colleagues with whom we don't see eye to eye)?

ESSAY VERSION
I've been working for a small company for 7 months, and up until recently had chosen from the get go not to divulge that I had AS, the reason being that declaring it before evidently cost me any opportunity to get the job (over several years, around 200 applications declaring it and I don't even get a response; then in three months, 30 applications not declaring it, and I get 5 interviews!). Initially everything went smoothly, with few glitches to speak of (well, not AS related ones), or that I'm actually aware of at least. To be honest I was stunned because I expected something to happen that would blow my cover, as it were, but nothing did. Well, either that, or no-one actually cared that I may have seemed somewhat odd. No-one confessed, either to my face or my having heard it on the grapevine, to having a problem with me, and neither did I have any issues with them (but it's normally others who have issues with me rather than the other way round).

The interesting thing is, one of my (female) colleagues and even my boss herself have definite AS traits if not actually AS itself, but of course I've never put the question to them, although I've alluded to it numerous times and it at least seems that neither of them have even heard of it (I could of course be wrong, though).

Then two months ago the Aspie-like colleague and I had a misunderstanding (she's a 'difficult' person by anyone's standards, and excels in the art of arguing, but she seemed to have a compensatory nice side), and for various reasons our boss had to intervene. It was resolved pretty rapidly, but afterwards I decided that then was the right time to 'come out' about my AS (to my boss and this particular colleague) because it might help them understand me better. So I 'came out' and both of them were pretty nonchalant about it, this colleague even said "does it affect how you do your job? No? Well then it's irrelevant. You are how you are and if you can still do your job then I don't see it as important." My boss was more or less the same.

Since then, however, perhaps I'm just paranoid but the attitude toward me, of both my boss and this colleague, appears to have changed. My boss has definitely become more abrupt and less approachable, and this colleague seems to be trying to avoid me as much as possible. Before, this colleague used to talk to me often, even outside of work, and since my coming out she's ONLY talked to me in a workplace situation and even then only when it's been absolutely necessary, wearing even more of a professional face than she used to. It's because both of them seem to have changed in their approach towards me (they seem to interact same as usual with the other colleagues) that I get the impression it's due to my having come out. I've not told the others (I would have no reason to) and they've not changed at all. For all I know, it could simply be coincidence, and both my boss and this colleague are having their own personal issues. However, to me at least it appears all too relevant that this sudden switch happened after having revealed myself.

I'm wondering what I should do now, because this is really concerning me. Should I confront them? Should I say nothing and just hope things will return to normal with time? Naturally I'm worried about the repercussions that any confrontation might give rise to, but trying to simply suck it up and get on with it is proving to be very difficult.

advice, anyone?

Last edited by MannyAck on 19 Feb 2010, 9:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have no advice. Sympathy though, I have that.

I've had bad reactions from telling people before. I don't generally tell people much now because people seem to see the lable and not the person.

LostAlien, advice or not, the sympathy doesn't go unappreciated, so thanks. Unfortunately, in my experience at least, the labels thing had been only too true; my constant rejection from potential employers is testament to that .

I do know what you referring to and likely this reaction is not "just your imagination." I don't think you're paranoid. The reality is that others can perceive AS, part of the Austistic Spectrum with considerable weirdness and trepidation. I know to reveal can be good and oftentimes necessary - I think you did the right thing.

I wonder if having another to liaison would be appropriate in your situation just so what you revealed is not misinterpreted. If someone is treating you differently, or even mistreating you, then you may have to redirect yourself to your work objectives and not focus too much on your AS.

Just as a general rule, in any given situation (i.e., your professional position), if others are treating you strangely then this can be scary - even threatening. I hope your strengths shine through, not your AS, per se. On the upside, they may warm up to you since they're informed; you are very brave to speak up and share, with good intentions! AS can be advantageous and I hope your co-workers realize this reality. The fact is that some places (work, school, etc) are not "Aspie friendly."

But, if the situation goes the other way (worst case scenario), I hope you can find a position that is positive and meaningful for you - not where you need to watch your back. No one can work optimally under those conditions. About confronting......ummm, with utmost caution and not alone. You are one of many. Maybe contact your HR Dept?

Last edited by LabPet on 20 Feb 2010, 12:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

If you are sure that your AS will not affect your work then do the best job you can and always be curteous. Who wouldn't want to have such a good employee?
Forget about their attitude, it's their problem. Only complain if there's a valid reason to do so.

On the other hand, as an AS person the main obstacle you'll face at work is communication problems. If part of the job involves communicating effectively then your AS will affect your job.
So, are you sure that your AS is not going to affect your work?

LabPet and caramateo, thank you both for the thoughtful replies.

Labpet, Before revealing my AS, apparently my strengths did shine through. It's only since the big 'come out' that things have declined. It seems that indeed they are now choosing to see the autism, not the person who previously did a good job for them.

After giving it some thought, I have decided to first of all attempt to accost my colleague (in the nicest possible way of course), and try to discuss the matter with her in as civil a manner as possible. I'm fully prepared for it falling on deaf ears, however I've got to at least try. I cannot however approach her accompanied by anyone, because there isn't anyone. She and our boss are the only ones who know, at least to my knowledge. I would prefer that people not know, and it is for this reason that I would rather not involve anyone else, especially not HR (unless I absolutely have to). No way am I discounting your suggestions though. They're just not feasible for me right now.

And thank you for assuaging my fears about my being paranoid.


caramateo, much as I agree with and see sense in what you're saying with regards to curteousy, unfortunately it doesn't seem to work if people are intent on holding something against you.

So far, my AS does not appear to have affected my job in any major way. I do admit I find the communication part difficult, however, either I managed to fake it sufficiently or those around me weren't that bothered about my discrepancies in that respect. I don't know, I've never asked them. It's only become an issue for this colleague and my boss after having come out about it.

LabPet and caramateo, thank you both for the thoughtful replies.

Labpet, Before revealing my AS, apparently my strengths did shine through. It's only since the big 'come out' that things have declined. It seems that indeed they are now choosing to see the autism, not the person who previously did a good job for them.

After giving it some thought, I have decided to first of all attempt to accost my colleague (in the nicest possible way of course), and try to discuss the matter with her in as civil a manner as possible. I'm fully prepared for it falling on deaf ears, however I've got to at least try. I cannot however approach her accompanied by anyone, because there isn't anyone. She and our boss are the only ones who know, at least to my knowledge. I would prefer that people not know, and it is for this reason that I would rather not involve anyone else, especially not HR (unless I absolutely have to). No way am I discounting your suggestions though. They're just not feasible for me right now.

And thank you for assuaging my fears about my being paranoid.


caramateo, much as I agree with and see sense in what you're saying with regards to curteousy, unfortunately it doesn't seem to work if people are intent on holding something against you.

So far, my AS does not appear to have affected my job in any major way. I do admit I find the communication part difficult, however, either I managed to fake it sufficiently or those around me weren't that bothered about my discrepancies in that respect. I don't know, I've never asked them. It's only become an issue for this colleague and my boss after having come out about it.

Is it possible that the behavior of your colleague and boss are a result of the confrontation and not a result of your mentioning AS? I know that I have a tendency to assume people's behavior is the result of one thing when in reality it is the result of something entirely different. And the less information I have about what they are thinking, the more anxious and awkward I become.

Most people are going to respond to you based primarily on how you behave and not so much on what you tell them about yourself. They may be taken by surprise by your telling them about your AS, but in the long run, it is how you interact with them on a day to day basis that will tell them who you are as a person and as a worker.

When I was in my twenties I worried a great deal about miscommunications and minor conflicts with co-workers. Up until the past few years I had a constant fear of being fired. Looking back, however, I can see that I was fairly competent and probably was never at risk for being fired regardless of my eccentricities.

I think sometimes we people with AS may put far more importance on it that it really deserves. Your boss probably just wants the work to get done with a minimum of fuss and conflict. If there is a conflict, you can't always cure it and make all the anxiety go away. Sometimes you have to just wait it out until people re-acclimate themselves to who you are. It would work the same way if you were an extrovert in conflict with another person.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes you have to set aside the label and deal with your unique situation as one person dealing with another. If you approach your co-worker with good will and a genuine willingness to get along, you may find that she will meet you half way and that much of the tension will dissipate. Forget AS. It sounds like you may be using it as a distraction from the fact that you have a conflict with another person that needs to be address just like any problem between anyone would have to be addressed.

Of course a person with AS may have a more difficult task in working through interpersonal conflicts, but that doesn't change the fact that it is the conflict that needs to be worked through, not the fact of your AS.

Reading through this, I feel it comes across as kind of harsh which I don't really mean, but based on what you describe, I feel that this might be helpful for you to consider.

Good luck.

Lars

MannyAck, I think the problem is not so much that you're now labeled as having Asperger's, but rather that you came across as using Asperger's as an excuse for what they may perceive as poor work. You probably didn't mean to use it that way, but that's likely how it came across.

If you want to dispel that impression, the best way to approach it is probably gently. If you used to be friends with this woman outside of work, try to take the initiative again to do something together like what you did before, whatever it was. If you wanted, you could let her know that Asperger's is not a big deal to you, and that you'd appreciate her discretion in not spreading that around. Hopefully she'll be like, "oh, no big deal."

Confrontation is usually not the best way of dealing with people, especially neurotypicals.

I can think of three explainations of what's going on
Best Case- you are now the personality equivalent of the hot chick in the office: they're just watching what they say in hopes of avoiding any trouble
Expected Case- they do suspect your AS hurts your job performance. Let's face it, AS is like a zit, we can throw as much makeup (job skills and experience) as we want, but it's still a flaw
Worst Case- if you start noticing you're losing responsibilities, or being put on jobs by yourself that are difficult to impossible for someone of your experience level, then dust off the resume and get cracking. We're just a few months away from college graduation and a whole bunch of cheap, eager kids entering the workforce, and many big companies will happily treat your 10 months (in May) as a sunk cost to get someone newer and more promising in. You'll still have trouble w/ references, but at least you won't have to say you were fired.

Either way, I'm sorry to hear about your situation, man. I'm on a hot seat at work now, too.

I'm sorry, I know this is a tangent, but I just have to disagree with this.

In software engineering, for example, being an aspie is a positive advantage. Computers do not forgive sloppiness, so being focused and literal is really necessary for the job. In addition, on a software engineering team, minor misunderstandings can result in a lot of wasted work, so literal minded and nit picky communications methods are actually good.

I think being an aspie actually helps in a lot of jobs if the point is to get the job done rather than to feed the boss's ego.

psychohist: Ditto! I could not be who I am or do what I do without being HFA/AS. There are distinct advantages and I would not be without, if given the choice. BUT....at the same time, being Autistic (regardless of level-of-functioning) is hard. Being misinterpreted, such as what I think may be the case with MannyAck right now is just tough (I'm sorry for that scenario, MannyAck).

I do hope your co-workers/employers SEE what a gift you bring. Seems your abilities/talents certainly are THERE but what's lacking (and it's not your fault) is support from those who just do not know - and may be a bit uncertain as what "Asperger's Syndrome" is supposed to mean at your workplace. I've thought about you and your situation. Just a thought.....maybe you could bring in some positive stuff about Autism/AS (but in a subtle way so they're not overwhelmed).

One idea: Autism Awareness month is April. One thing I did at my University is bring in homemade GFCF muffins for everybody with colorful printed notes for each, where I printed the recipe and wished them all happy April - I also included a beautiful art print (photocopy, with permission) from the book Autisms for them to keep. You could post a tasteful art poster (with permission from your supervisor) that's special to you with an Autistic theme. That is, make your AS special to them - and show them how special you are. You could make a brief powerpoint presentation with factoids about AS to share (with permission, of course) just to dispel myths. Remember your workplace wants solutions not (perceived) obstacles or risk. I know this is not your intent, but they might be feeling threatened. One NT told me that sometimes NTs actually feel jealousy since many Aspie do have unusual talents. This is a dangerous reality as an unpredictable NT co-worker can lash out to hurt you....or do it behind your back. Make certain your social skills are as forthright and polished as they can be. Being polite is always appropriate.

One problem I've had (if I can share): Being way too nice and accommodating to others where I'm taken advantage of - that hurts. And it won't help your career any. If I can say, I just had this happen with an advisor whom I trusted - and he cheated. I'm really hurt but learned to not trust just anybody.

jagatai: VERY reasoned advice and applicable for everyone. Seems you have a great attitude honed over time - someday maybe I'll have your confidence.

And jagatai is right in that YOU should show through, not the AS. If they are not mistreating you then I'm not sure....maybe have another advocate for you so you're not totally alone in your stance. Unfortunately some (not all) neurotypicals are manipulative and have other motives (met them) so be extra cautious right now. If they perceive you, or your AS, as threatening then they'll pounce with opposition and can potentially make your work situation scary where you cannot perform optimally or are marginalized. If you feel jeopardized in any way you may contact A.D.A and do so right away; you have legal rights to equal opportunity. I know you may not want to consider this, but possibly another position where you're better accepted - just a thought.

Being right doesn't always win the game and that's a bitter lesson. I've met "popular people" who do not have much going for them except they're socially slick - sometimes these are the scariest ones. I'd prefer the honest, smart and hard-working Aspie. MannyAck, I know how hard you're trying right now (shows in what you wrote) and I'm sorry you've inadvertently been put in this awkwardness; work should be productive and fun, not where you have to watch your back.

Best wishes to you and I imagine this will work out for the better.

If you now start getting treated worse because of your condition, you should be able to sue them for disability discrimination.

Sue them for discrimation.

Oh this is so difficult, I'm sorry this is happening.

I am not sure you can sue anyone without real evidence that they are discriminating against you - have you been denied opportunities or harassed in any way?

It sounds like it's more about the "feeling" you are getting from these two people, and that is something which very well might dissipate with time, if you focus on your work, and make small gestures towards them now and again to demonstrate your goodwill. But don't overdo it, that will just make you seem desperate for acceptance, and besides, they don't deserve special treatment for being jerky.

Maybe offer to help with a work-related task if one of them seems overwhelmed, or something as simple as bringing them a coffee when you go out to get yourself one. Anything to encourage positive associations with you.

In the past I have simply quit jobs when I felt the atmosphere had become toxic, yet there was nothing concrete I could "sue" over. Hopefully you will not have to do this, but it might be helpful to set a time limit for re-assessment - say, if in two more months there is no improvement, maybe it's time to head out?

Everyone, thank you for replying. I apologize for not getting back to you yet.

Situations took a turn for the worse after I confronted my colleague, and long story short I was forced to resign. They didn't fire me, ohhh no, the sneaky manipulative so and so's managed to wangle their way round that one...but they both made it so uncomfortable for me that I had no choice but to resign. I haven't yet sought legal help and would welcome any advice from you guys.

I'll respond more later.

Thanks again.