Yet ANOTHER never-been-loved loser in need of advice

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OK, I know people are tired of reading this kind of crap on the L&D board, but I need a bit of advice, so bear with me.

As you may know from my past posts, I'm 18 years old, I've never kissed a girl, held hands with a girl, and I'm pratically the only virgin in my town. I would get out more, but I can't drive yet (I'm trying to change that), my high school life was so filled with bullying, that I was taken out of school. Part of that bullying was a group of girls who would constantly tease me about how the loved me, when in reality, they wanted nothing more than to see me suffer.

I constantly feel like nobody will love me, no matter how I look, how nice I am, how talented I am at art, how good my reading skills are. It just doesn't seem likely that anyone will love me, in my point of view.

How would I go about changing this, how could I talk to girls when:

1. I can't even drive
and
2. I choke up and say something awkward and stupid 95% of the time?!

I know. It boggle my mind, too.

1. take driving lessons and save up for a car, if it really matters that much to you.

2. Learn to listen to what other people say, ask people questions about themselves and look interested in their answers. Most people love talking about themselves if you give them an opportunity.

At 18, nearly everyone feels awkward and as if they're saying the wrong thing. It gets easier when you escape your teens.

Don't worry about being 'cool', just be as pleasant as you can and talk to as many people as possible; even if it's about the weather or college, it's really good experience and a great way to gain confidence.

Considering I'm pretty much in the same situation, I just wanted to throw out there driving doesn't really matter. Most people don't really care if you drive or not.. and even if they did you shouldn't let it bring you down. If someone judges you based on that they probably aren't really that great of a person to begin with.

I'm <(((edited)))> maybe unqualified to answer.

#1. Move to a city. In New York City nobody knows how to drive. LOL
(bad idea though because the bills are higher here than anywhere)
The other thing though is its hard to screw up so bad that millions of girls
in the "neighborhood" all think you are a loser and have nothing better to say.
#2. The usual answers are Toastmasters and other exposure to speaking,
and for some reason people say it is easier if you pretend (I think they mean
when there is more than one person) that nobody is wearing anything.

My best friend says his method of finding girlfriends was going to a club and
asking ALL OF THE GIRLS for a date. After asking 100 girls I suppose the
stuttering might either go away or you will have to stop and try again another
day. What bothers me about that method most is it doesn't help get ONE girl
that you might be ONLY interested in.

You have many years of angst, loneliness and frustration ahead of you.

One thing to note: people rarely help; people always want to take and few ever want to give.

Sometimes "being who you are" is not enough. If your emotional/social maturity levels are low, NTs pick up on it like vampires passing by a blood bank. Especially in adolescence and earlier.

You need to develop yourself into someone you can like. Then someone else can like you for who you are.

How many people are in your town? 10 or something? How are you the only virgin?

Awkward and stupid by whose standards? You may be judging yourself too harshly, most of what feels stupid and awkward to you probably doesn't sound nearly that bad to the person you're talking to, but even so, keep trying. Then listen awhile. The only important talking you need to do is to ask questions to get the other person talking. Once you get someone talking about themselves, you've made a friend. Everyone likes to have someone interested in them and what they have to say.

Go to where the girls are. Find a group of some sort where others your age hang out and join it. Preferably something not directly affiliated with one particular school - too much class politics associated with school. A group consisting of people from several different schools would be more casual - less pressure on everybody to prove themselves on their home turf.

A job will usually help put you out there in the world, too. Volunteer work doesn't pay cash as a rule, but it establishes you as a guy whose heart is in the right place. That's always attractive.

Calm down. You're only 18. If you think you are the only 18 year old virgin in your area, you are falling for a lot of lies. Besides, that's no big deal - a lot of people are virgins way beyond 18 and manage to make up for lost time eventually. Trust me on that one. Snoogans.



Dude...sometimes people tease you that way because they actually DO like you and are embarrassed to just come right out and say it. Perhaps instead of letting it upset you, you should have just good-naturedly played along. Teasing like that isn't always intended to humiliate you - sometimes it's just the only way they know to try to draw you out of your shell. I can't tell you how many opportunities I missed at your age because I didn't know how to recognize or respond to certain social signals.

Do not despair, your time will come. But as I always warn guys pining for love: Be careful what you wish for. Wishing for love is wishing for a broken heart.

Okay, maybe I exaggerated a bit with that line, but it feels that way sometimes.

you're 18 for christ sakes

why are there so many of these allowed?!

Your story sounds familiar.

I was badly teased from about 7th grade through much of high school by an assortment of girls. It began with one whom I had a crush on who would sit with me, put her arm around me, flirt etc. Other girls picked up the game and I had to deal with this for many years. I wanted their attention, but I assumed they only wanted to tease me. I was quite certain that no one really wanted to be with me.

While many of the girls who teased me probably did it entirely for the fun, thinking about it 25 to 30 years later, I have asked myself, why would a girl tease a boy like that? Is it simply to be cruel? What was it about my character as a 13 or 14 year old kid that compelled this girl to tease me? What exactly did she get out of putting her arm around me and flirting like that?

I don't know. I had a crush on her and I probably followed her around and made myself pretty obvious. Did she tease me to push me away? If so, it certainly didn't work. I kept hanging around and she kept teaseing me. Did she enjoy having some guy following her around who was clearly dopey for her? Maybe. Maybe she found it embarassing, but would she have flirted with me in this way if she didn't find it appealing in some way? Again, I don't know. (Any women with experience in this area, feel free to chime in with your interpretation of the behavior)

I know that when I do something and continue to do the same thing, it is because I derive some benefit from that behavior. This girl might have been egged on by her friends and teased me only because she enjoyed the approval she got from her friends. But this went on for months. What was the benefit she was getting from this situation?

Later in high school, at the end of junior year, one of the prettiest girls I knew asked me to kiss her. I was rather shy and I wondered what she was up to. She asked me to kiss her on the lips, but I could only bring myself to kiss her on the cheek. I did not contact her that summer because of course she wasn't interested in me. She was pretty and popular and I was a doughy, nerdy guy. About a year ago, an old friend casually mentioned that he knew at the time that this girl had a crush on me. My reaction was “Why the heck didn't anybody tell me?” Of course the girl did, but I wasn't listening. Thinking about that kiss and some other things she did, it seems quite obvious now. But in that moment, I couldn't see because I kept looking at my preconceptions rather than the evidence around me.

If I could give advice to my teenaged self, I would have to say this; you may think you know what people think of you. You may believe that you are grossly unappealing. But you don't know. You just don't know.

We become convinced of our own sense of being worthless or unattractive. We believe we know the truth. Maybe we believe we have the right answer because it gives us a false sense of control and mastery over our world. As I have gotten older and have achieved some control over my world, I am less concerned about having to be right. As much as I don't like to be wrong, I accept that I often am. I do the best I can and try to do better if possible.

I still have a hard time believing anyone would love me, but at least I understand that mostly this is a problem of perception rather than a reflection of reality. You don't know what other people think.

I can't give you an answer to your direct question. There are others on this forum who can do a better job of that than I can. But if you are anything like I was (and still am) I can assure you that you are blind. You are looking at a distorted self portrait. You need a mirror.

Lars

As an example, 18 was when I had my first girlfriend. Prior to then, and afterward, I had issues with getting a relationship. But 10 years later, I don't generally have much trouble finding/attracting/pursuing women, and maintaining a relationship with them. The reason my lot in love-life improved was twofold. First, I had help in identifying how my prior behavior was interpreted by others, and how it was linked to my sorry state of social-affairs. Second, I got fed up enough to put in the long, effortful process adapt my perspective and behavior so that I could eventually be more in-tune with everyone else. It took years, and it required changes, but it was worth it.

Some people don't believe changing one's self is a good idea. They think it's phony, an illusion, pretending, or at worst, manipulative. And yeah, I agree that some people do that.... But I believe one can change themselves and yet still be true to themselves as well. I feel that I did, so naturally I think the self-improvement paradigm is worth consideration. With work, and focusing on improving your social awareness, and the things you exude and communicate, you can find success. Sooner and more-so than I did, probably.

If you're interested in that, then it helps if you recognize that:

A) Your future success in love is entirely within your hands, and no one else's,

B) Whatever social disadvantage you are at can be compensated for, and exceeded, despite AS,

C) Any improvements you want to make for your social life will be somewhat difficult and takes time and persistence and sometimes discomfort(practicing talking to strangers, for instance), but is ultimately extremely rewarding,

D) Some of your perceptions about 'how things work' may be flawed, and serve to drag you down. It's not your fault that you got the wrong idea; western society & media is very good at teaching outdated notions and outright lies about the subtleties of love & dating. But by keeping an eye out for those flawed narratives, you can unshackle yourself and better avoid loneliness,

E) You will feel happier, more empowered, and more confident after you start taking steps to make some life changes, even little steps. Positive momentum can feel as good as reaching goals, and can be more useful for the purpose of maintaining motivation,

F) You will continue to feel crappy if you blame others for the state of things, or don't take full responsibility for your hand on the steering wheel, or otherwise resist shifting behavior when it is not conducive to helping you,

G) Although it is difficult at first, you should resist feeling bitter! It's very normal and natural to start feeling bitter toward the necessity to change, but you must also realize that bitterness also drags you down in subtle but profound ways,

H) You are very young. For as much as you feel you've learned and experienced over the past 5 years, the next 5 years will see your life change immensely, and will make your prior understanding of the world seem insignificant and remedial. Have faith that the next few years of your life will contain incredible change, and could also represent an incredible improvement in your love life. You're fretting about 'today,' and that's fine, but think about 'tomorrow' before you let yourself get too depressed.

Focus on learning to drive and then getting a job to make money. Build a life that you love completely separate from women and you will be much happier. What women have to offer is something that can always be bought.

Nothing wrong with being a virgin.

I've held that thought for 8 years.

What kind of artwork do you do? and may I see it?

Sometimes my artwork is the only thing I can cling to, but even so, it earns me no love: admiration maybe, but never love.
Four of my paintings here were intended to woe women-fiends: http://fatal-noogie.deviantart.com/gallery/#Portraits
Each complimented my work (perhaps just to be polite), but each was unimpressed with me.

You and I both know: There is no justice in love. If there were, people like us who express sincerity and talent could win by such means.

Nevertheless, you may glean some comfort from these thoughts:
1. I never regretted an advance I made, only those I didn't make.
2. It gets easier to talk to women as you get older. Start practicing now.

Try not to beat yourself up about this (which is hard I know)

I was 19 before I ever kissed someone and that first kiss happened at a pub crawl when I was drunk (very classy).

I was 20 before I ever had sex (and that was a one night stand, again very classy... not)

I was 23 before I ever had a girlfriend.

For some of us, it takes a little longer than the average person to find love.

Don't rush it or else you risk looking desperate which is a real turn off. Work on being comfortable being you. Someone who is happy with who they are is far more attractive & desirable than someone who isn't.