Every person in the world, reguardless of race or birthplace, faces a challenge that they eventually overcome. Whether big or small, instances of adversity are overwhelmingly numerous. It is for this reason that I consider adversity in my life to be on a worldly scale, insignifigant. While they may seem remarkable to some, the changes in my life were spread too far apart, and therefore I am left with an adversity that will continue throughout my life, known to most as Autism spectrum disorder. Alot of people are unaware what Autism is, and until my teenage years I wasn't really aware either. I wasn't aware why I was different. And standing here today, I understand why some would say ignorance is bliss.
Gracing the world with my presence began June 14, 1994, but it didn't take long for my parents that I didn't quite posess “normal” qualities that would be associated with my age as i continued to grow. At a young age, I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. In the long run, this diagnosis would provide me the therapy and special attention I needed. But in the short term, I was still an uncommunicative child with a possibly bleak future ahead of me. The first 10 years of my life served as proverbial bullett points. Goals were reached slowly, such as full sentences at the age of 3, or learning to tie my shoes at the age of 7. It was not so much an intellectual deficiency to me as much as it was an emotional one. I didn't want to try and tie the shoes for feel of failure. According to everything i've read, I'm a lucky one to be as high-functioning as I am, but according to every day I look at myself in the mirror, I'm still at a disadvantage.
I'm unsure what I'm going to do with life, but I know how far I've come. Whatever helped me get to where I am I cannot easily ascertain, for it was the overwhelming totality of therapy and support. I'm currently diagnosed with Asperger's Disorder, I take all regular classes, most of them honors. I'm a sophmore in highschool, and my greatest interests are Literature and Physcology. I'm fully aware of the potential of my future, but I'm also fully aware of the world I'm living in, and what that means is so many things that I don't even wanna think about, because my greatest challenge is still present. Being Autistic wasn't always as emotional for me as it is now. While I may have an array of plastered holes in my wall from various tantrums, I've never been as aware of how truly different I am.
It's not that I was a stupid child, I just have grown into my intelligence as a young adult. With this newfound growth came overwhelming depression. Why, when I have a conversation do I find myself becoming irrationally emtoional or arrogant, when I always try my hardest not to. Why, when I am faced with a responsibility, or being made to plan my future, I find myself obsessing, procrastinating, wanting to just run and leave all my inhibitions and cares behind. Every time I imagine what will become of me in the future, I feel as though I am being held down by the world. What If I can't be successful and make sure my mom retires, because she deserves every minute of it. I don't want to be a degenerate, but I always feel I will fail.
I know one day I will look back on this. I may even laugh at my teenage worries. But today has no smiles for me, only the endlessly boring routine, the feeling of un-accomplishment, and the overwhelming feeling of being trapped in chains that I may never break out of. I want so much more then to wake up with remorse, remorse of the fact that my sleep didn't last longer. I don't care what any scientist tells me about how I became who I am today, what I care about is that fact every day In my life is a challenge, and for some reason, that's the most important thing in my life, which consumes my self esteem and my ability to interact. Autism is my challenge, one that I truly believe one day I might overcome. In the mean time, I'm honestly doing the best I ever have in school. I've found a solace through music, and writing ryhmes and reading books upon books, atleast 20 a month. The darkest times are when I feel alone, but I know that the day wouldn't be possible without the night, and until I find my day, I just have to hope I'll make it through.
15 Mar 2010, 11:43 am
