I feel like a horrible parent

Post Reply New Topic

Ok..I admit it. I am a VERY stressed out person. That's how I was born. I can never relax and enjoy the present because I'm always worried about the future. This personality trait of mine does not mix well with my son's personality trait. He is easy going, takes his sweet time about everything while I'm constantly on the move and get anxious if I'm not doing two things at once. I feel like it's getting really bad at home because neither of us will relent.

To get to the point, I am always nagging my kids (6 year old AS son and 4 year old NT girl) to hurry up and get dressed in the morning. We either have to go to an appointment, swim class, or get ready for school. They rather play with their toys as soon as they get up and they just ignore me until I flip out from them ignoring me. It's a constant on-going battle. I get so frustrated, then they get frustrated and feel bad, then I feel bad..etc. Although we make up and apologize later, it never ends! I don't know how to make things at home work! If I give them some down time before school instead of going to swim class or the gym, my son gets so anxious about school that he doesn't want to go. Everything I do is for their own good but they just think I'm harassing them. I dress them almost every morning. We woke up early and had some free time today so I tried to get him to dress himself. He kept saying he "can't do it" even though he buttoned his shirt correctly. It's so frustrating to me when they just completely ignore me and expects me to do everything for them. I do understand he probably has ADD and executive function disorder but how can I tell the difference between that and just plain being disrespectful? My NT daughter is the same way (just not that bad) and she completely ignores me too until I get upset. When I get upset, that's the only time they will listen but I wish I didn't have to get to that point because I feel horrible at the end and I know they do to.

I only have 30 minutes after school to help my son do his homework because I work second shift. He usually only has one ditto sheet so 30 mins is usually plenty of time. Today he refused to do his homework and started crying because he misunderstood the directions and refused to let me show him how to do it. He was being extremely inflexible and unwilling to let me teach him. Him making a mistake usually ends in a tantrum so I try my best not to correct him and just let him be, but this time he was doing it completely wrong so I had to let him know. He didn't take it well at all and started being defiant. I got sooo frustrated because he wouldn't let me talk and kept saying "NO! NO! NO!" I kept telling him that if he doesn't start doing his work, he would go to time out. He continued his tantrum even after I tried multiple ways of letting him do it his way so I took the paper, ripped it in pieces, threw it in the garbage and walked downstairs. He came down after me crying and freaking out and told me not to do that and he will do his homework now. I know I shouldn't have done that. It was horrible of me because he is very fearful of having his homework paper messed up. I was just so stressed out about the whole day. I am just so sick of being disrespected.

I don't know what to do anymore. What am I doing wrong? How can I make my kids more independent? Or at least willing to try to be independent? I just want cooperation. I don't want to call anybody from the asd network to help with my family issues. I rather deal with it myself but I seriously need some advice. Thanks for reading.

Well, tearing up his homework was not the best of things to do.

Have you got a morning timetable? My Mum did when I was a kid and it helped me. Also, a thing that helped both her and me a little was for her to do some calming excersises before trying to get me to do stuff. Hope this helps a bit.

I went through some homework trouble of late with my son, and I have to say LostAlien's advice is golden for me as well. My son does MUCH better in the morning (provided he got enough sleep). After school, he is pretty much spent. He just wants to come home and unwind. Sometimes he is good to go for homework, but others, he is overstimulated and just plain old worn out, ready to do something fun and relaxing a little while.

In the morning he tends to be a little groggy sometimes, but he is NEVER grumpy and prone to meltdowns. Find some morning time to work if you can.

Oh, and I am exactly like you...always looking to the future, worrying and obsessing, so I know how it can be.

Malya,

The fact that you have posted here looking for help makes it clear that you are not a bad parent. A bad parent would simply ignore their family's struggles.

You sound lost and you probably are lost. So many of us raising autistic kids must struggle with trying to find the right thing to do when every situation, every child is different. Getting lost is easy. I get lost often in my parenting.

However, as much as you don't want to, you need to seek outside help. It is not worth your happiness and that of your children's to waste time experimenting with methods to improve things. We all feel so much pride in our parenting that we view asking for help as failure. It is just the opposite. Asking for help is the mark of a caring parent who makes every effort.

And that is what will matter most to you in the future - that you've made every effort.

I wish I could simply give you an easy answer, but there isn't one. You need counseling.

Keep posting in here. It does help to be able to vent to people in similar situations, and it also helps to know that so many of us struggle every day - right along with you.

Good luck. I wish the best for you and your family.

Sorry in advance for the long post!

Another tip along with the morning schedule would be to put away as many of the distracting toys as possible - or at least move them out of sight. I know with my son, if the toys etc are in the room where we do school work, he WILL move over to play with those instead of doing his work. Who wouldn't rather play with the legos than do another stupid page of math problems. He still has the legos out, but in a different room where he can't see them when we do the school work. I also want to try LostAliens idea of calming exercises before schoolwork! That sounds great.

We had a train set in his room too, that caused no end of problem on both sides of the day - in the AM I'd find him awake and still playing with that instead of getting dressed. In the evenings - anything that will delay going to bed - trains was just another one of the things he used - 'I need to fix this track Mommy!'. I started by threatening to put away the train set forever (not my best moment there!), finally when I was calmer and he was actually moving on, we talked about it. I told him that him not paying attention to me made me upset - something like: 'I'm sorry I got upset. We need to find a better solution don't we. I think the trains being in your room are causing too many problems.' He actually came up with the solution of moving them downstairs to the room with the legos. Our mornings still need some work, but they get better - with some back tracking, but generally forward movement. They key for me in that convo was to wait till we were both calmer and could listen to each other. He also likes the idea that I talk about when I over-react and will try to calm down and work it out and that as much as I can, I involve him in the solution. I find the solutions work better that way.

Another suggestion if you don't already - can you get up earlier? I find that my mornings go a lot smoother if I'm the first one up in the house, I like to be ready to go by the time everyone else gets up. That way I can focus on getting him ready without having to worry about when am I going to <fill in the blank with yet another thing that's left undone>. Kids usually pick up on the fact that you are stressed out and in a rush and don't handle it well. I know logically the best way to handle it is to hurry up, but remember the ages you are dealing with Logic is still a work in progress!

We all have our times when we feel like a bad parent. The important thing is to learn from them and try not repeat them. But at the same time don't beat yourself up over those times, just work to find a different way around the difficult situations - and remember it takes time. Also remember that these things happen with NT kids / parents too .... AS just magnifies nearly everything. My favorite quote about aspergers - "Someone with Asperger’s really is like you, just more extreme." (Dr. Winnie Dunn)

Beth

Sounds exactly like my house, my NT daughter does get dressed and ready but her 7 yo as brother is a different story. It ends with him laying on the floor with us pulling his clothes on he is half asleep till we are on the porch and he realizes he needs to run to catch the bus, part of the problem is his dad keeps letting him lay back down when the alarm goes off I set it early he changes it to later. So I am interested in hearing others suggestions, we use a point system towards video games this is helpful.

First and foremost, forget any idea that your kids are acting this way because you are a horrible mother. They are acting this way because they are 4 and 6, and one has special needs to boot. The issues you decribed are all highly typical. We pretty much all hate mornings. Oh, so some moms talk about how well their kids do? Or how nice the morning was? Face it, everyone shares their little triumphs. But look around at who all is just staying mum. And consider what the prior month may have been like for that same mom. You can't judge what is typical by the coffee talk. And your kids are ... typical. Don't know about average, but definitely typical.

Understanding that goes a long way to helping you accept the bad mornings. They just "are." Can you try some little things to improve them? Yes. But mostly remembering that your kids aren't doing this because you've done something wrong or because they are trying to challenge you will make a huge difference all by itself. As another poster suggested, I have found that getting up before the kids and having things well in place before they ever get up makes a big difference. The more I can give them my undivided attention as they wind through the morning routine, the better they stay on track and the happier we all are. It is tough in the evening to set aside the desire to steal a few moments for myself and, instead, get to bed a little earlier, but the pay off in a better morning is huge (still, I can't say I follow my own advice as often as I should; but I do know it helps). While your little ones may be physically ready to button their own shirts, they are not EMOTIONALLY ready, and that is really important to remember.

On the homework issue, it sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place. Six year olds simply cannot come home from a day at school and perform on schedule. Meaning, while the task may be simple enough to perform in 30 minutes, your child may not be at an emotional space to sit down and do it within 30 minutes. Since this is the reality of your life, what I suggest is talking to your son and asking him for his ideas. Let him know that you understand the situation is not ideal, and then brainstorm it with him. Think outside the box, and take his ideas and concerns seriously. Once he has chosen a course of action, he is likely to be more committed to it than if it were simply laid upon him.

Also, talk to the teacher about the concept of correcting homework. In our elementary school, the teachers have specifically asked us NOT to. Why? Because if we are teaching at home, they won't have the feedback on what they failed to teach in class. Homework is supposed to be practice, so if the lesson wasn't effective, they want to know. Perhaps when you have it stored in your memory of instructions NOT to check the homework, it will be easier for you to let go of it.

We all come with our own baggage, and none of us will ever be perfect parents as a result. But we have to believe that we are capable of being good enough parents. Good luck.

My son is almost 5, and he cannot dress himself in the mornings. Overall, he still can't dress himself. He can only do it in bits and pieces. I have been trying to teach him how to put his shirt on for about 1 year. He can do it in bits and pieces, but if I just say here are your clothes, put them on, he cannot do it. That being said, he is groggy already in the mornings, and I already feel like he is not getting enough sleep since he has to be at school by 7:45, I end up just letting him sleep til the last minute, and then I just dress him. I don't know when he will be ready to do it on his own.

There are a lot of times that I lose my patience with him when I am not sure if he understands and knows how to do something or not. Sometimes, I feel like he is just choosing not to do what I ask. The other thing is I have to tell him 5 or 6 times to do something before I have to threaten him with losing a privilege before he finally does it. I think he generally does move in slow motion.

I have lost it at times over different things, but I just try to take a deep breath and move on. I can't dwell on these situations. I just try to have a little more patience the next time.

I wish I had answers for you, but I just want you to know that you are not alone, and you are not a horrible parent by any means! Good luck!

I think it's good that you're asking for advice. Given similar issues with both children, there may be useful changes you could make. I'm going to make a couple of general observations and then provide some specific advice.

First, you say you want your kids to be more independent and more cooperative. The problem with that is, especially for children, independence and cooperation are kind of opposite things. Encouraging independence may require you to allow the kids to do things that might not be exactly what you want; encouraging cooperation with you may mean you end up micromanaging and stifling independence. You may want to think about what kind of balance you want between independence on the one hand, and cooperation on the other.

Second, I think your "type A" style is probably to some extent causing their lack of responsiveness. If they figure you'll nag them 10 times about something anyway, then they'll learn to ignore the first 9 times, which appears to be what has happened. To encourage more responsibility, you may want to take a bit more of a "hands off" style.

The homework may be a good specific example of the latter. I'd suggest that in the example you mention, once you've pointed out where your son is wrong, it may be time to bite your tongue if he refuses to take your advice. What's the worst that could happen? He gets a zero on one day's homework, but he learns to pay a little more attention to your advice next time. That's got to be a more valuable lesson than getting a better score on one day's worth of homework is worth.

Kids have learned that you mean business when you are yelling. On the other hand, I went through similar struggles with my daughter always making us late in the morning (I worked at the school she attended at that time), and it was difficult. She's learned how to organize enough stuff at night now to be on time for the bus in the morning for middle school. But speaking as a teacher, not a parent...and a parent with a few more years of experience. It helps my daughter if I sit down with her and go over expectations. At that time I had checklists involved...and we just didn't have tv or playtime in the mornings. 1) make sure they have enough time to be ready when they need to be. 2) no playing until after getting dressed 3) let them dress themselves if at all possible. Sit down and talk about the schedule, post it somewhere (with pictures that they can help color or something. Make sure they do what they need to do before playing. Let them know there will be consequences and what they will be, and that you won't be doing the yelling anymore to remind them they need to get ready. If they need to get up earlier in order to have time to dress themselves, then get them in bed a bit earlier so they have enough rest. If independent dressing isn't happening yet, make it a goal and make time in the mornings so that you can support getting dressed semi-independently.

We had homework nightmares to....sometimes we both ended in tears. First grade teacher wanted six sentences on a subject...she might as well have been asking for latin.....it took hours.

Bethanie

There is no such thing as a perfect parent but there are horrible ones and you are definatly not one.

Your post was just like reading a morning-in-our-house description. My AS son is fourteen, already taller than I am, and since I remember, we´ve always have that kind of problems.Before we got the professional opinion about Asperger, we called it many and different names, now we call it Aspergers but anyway, in short, it´s heavy and difficult, frustrating, tireing...you just name it.Before, I felt sooooooo bad, I realy can´t describe it, but you know the feeling yourself.And I realy tried all kinds of things:timetables, plans, getting up an hour earlier ( I get up even now at 5.30, he at 6.45), making some kind of arrangment with him...The truth is nothing realy helped. Honestly, you can see that he suffers too. He wakes up slowly, his allergies trouble him, he has headaches frequently, skin itches, fresh clothes in the morning feels strange to wear, there is no chance to improvise with "put on whatever you want" ´cause he doesn´t think about all the clothes equaly...I have to be at work in the same time he goes to school ( I work there, imagine), and I would realy like to have a cup of coffee before we go, concentrate a little before I go to classroom, or do whatever people do in the morning. But, slowly, during the years I ´m trying (and I think succeeding, step by step) to exept the reality.
Some mornings are not that bad, some are terrible. I don´t know what expect us, OK, Asperger won ´t dissapear and all that, but we´ll just try to survive day by day.I realy don´have a recipe, maybe it´s realy like that - every child is unique, and responds in his way. You are mom, you will sense the right way in time. I wish you currage, strength a lot of patience and just do everything in good faith! mamamoo

Phew hiya I have put some comments in bold in your original post so scan up

You are NOT a HORRIBLE PARENT at all so please stop thinking like that.....you just aren't understanding your children's needs....but hey, who does However meltdowns? Mmm awful when the kids throw them isn't it? So when you lost it and ripped up his homework? Meltdown? I think so...and please don't think you are alone. How many mobile phones have I thrown at the wall? I even destroyed my son's Christmas present once...not proud of it but I have to admit to it so you don't feel so alone and bad.

No child on the spectrum can follow multiple instructions. Many are very aware of noise and even though they are good at putting it out they aren't so great when they are surrounded by it. I empathise with you as I know what a rush the mornings are. I have 5 children on the spectrum and when they were all under 12 it was a nightmare, how did I cope? Who knows....

Children on the spectrum need ROUTINE and any change in that routine could lead to meltdown, however small. Anxiety before school is understandable with many of these kids......do you know what happens to him when he is at school? Does he tell you? Does he know WHAT to tell you? No because he can't. Getting dressed also can be a problem for many. Hand/Eye co-ordination and gross motor skill/fine motor skill differences are common. Can he catch a ball? Ride a bike? Can he use a pen? Knife and Fork? Can he tie shoelaces.....if the answer to those or some of them is no then it is possible that he could be Dyspraxic? And when he tells you he CAN'T, he is telling you the truth.

And HOMEWORK....groan, how many times do I hear that? Prof Tony Attwood has some very useful tips for homework .....DON'T DO IT! Children on the spectrum do WORK at school, HOME is not a place they identify with work. Would it be possible for one of the teachers to help him with that during a free period or maybe lunchtime homework club? The anxiety of it is spinning you BOTH out and leaving you both feeling unhappy. So is it worth it? Simple answer NO.

And well done for saying that you ripped up his work. My son who is Dyslexic too was made to write 4 pages of lines by a (in my opinion) Aspie teacher with ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). Bless his heart he sat there for an hour and did it....WHAT AN ACHIEVEMENT!! !! ! So what did the teacher do? Ripped them up....and in turn ripped his heart out. Keeping yourself calm in these situations is imperative. How can they respect you when you don't respect them? Sorry not meaning to sound harsh and I am deffo not innocent by any means although I have sorted myself out now just! Although still have my moments.

Go easy, take a breath and try and encourage POSITIVE behaviour. If school is a problem talk to the teacher and find out what is triggering him. Adopt some routines and pin up some timetables so everyone knows what they are doing on any one day...HOWEVER plenty of warning and contingency plans in case the timetable has to be changed.

Meltdowns can be prevented, they can also be diluted if you know how. There are plenty of tips here if you need some help. Please remember meltdowns in a child or adults are awful, not something to be taken lightly. You can't shout at anyone when they are shouting at you or in meltdown.

Your children all of them autisic or not autistic are amazing, they are the same but different. But one thing I can tell you is that if you handle them right, you will be rewarded forever. They are remarkable and very loving. And so are you, for even putting this thread up. Embrace your children's diversities and learn strategies to help them out....Good luck

MELTDOWN ADVICE
http://www.jelibean.com/ladder2/index.p ... &Itemid=79

I am wondering if whoever is caring for your son at bedtime can help him get absolutely everything ready for the next morning at that time, so that you and he can do his homework together in the morning instead?

We had horrible mornings too, up until this year. What works for us now is getting everything ready the night before (showers, clothes laid out, backpack packed, boots and mitts neatly by the door etc.). So that in the morning it is just breakfast, teeth brushing and dressing (in clothes already chosen and sometimes even pre-tested if we are unsure that they will be 100% comfortable).

And you don't sound like a horrible mom at all. We all get frustrated at times.

I was once told by someone that ADHD kids (at the time that was my son's only diagnosis) want "follow through" commands. Just telling my son to take a shower didn't work because unbeknownst to me, the problem was, what to do with the clothes when he took them off. To me it made sense, to him, he didn't know what to do with them so he left them on and wouldn't go take a shower. Once I said, take off your dirty clothes and put them in the dirty clothes hamper, he headed right off to take a shower. I was so shocked it worked. And it has worked ever since. I really watch for when he doesn't do something I've asked him to do, and see if all that was needed was a follow through command to help him. Usually that was it, not him being disrespectful as I thought at first.

I have to tell you that many people thought I was "babying" my son by helping him get dressed in the mornings up until he was about 15 years old. It was the only way to make the mornings work. He is medicated to go to sleep at night so sometimes is still groggy, and "hung over" feeling in the mornings. Which would make me late for work if I had to depend on him to get up and dress himself. I would prepare everything the night before, as mentioned by someone else in this thread, and then assist him. When he was old enough, I just had to do the socks and shirt, he did the underwear and pants. I looked at it as his waking up period. I would put his socks on him, have him sit up and change his shirt. He would then get up to change his own underwear and pants and then lay back down for about 5-10 minutes. Then I get him up to go to the restroom and continue the routine to get ready.

You just have to find what works for you and really what makes it the least stressful for you and your household.

First I'd like to say thank you everyone SO MUCH from the bottom of my heart for sharing all of your experiences and giving me such great advice and feedback. I'd just like to say that things are going AWESOME right now. I was really feeling like I was hitting rock bottom when I wrote that post. Right now my son is doing great at school, he's raising his hand in class, finishing his classwork and homework without a huge issue, and no more little notes about not focusing in class (except for 1 little one but who cares lol.) He's also interacting with his sister and pretend playing with her. He's becoming very independent and putting on his own socks and shoes and going in the car and putting on his seat-belt. I can tell he's so proud of himself and so am I. He's very affectionate lately because he feels good about himself. He's in a very good spot right now and that makes me so happy.

The change in him comes from him internally and also from the great advice you folks have given me. The stress I put on him was causing nothing but anxiety for both of us. When I can I try to get everything ready for the next morning as much as possible so we don't have to rush in the morning. I work second shift so by the time I get home the kids are sleeping. His father is with him at night and I've tried to tell his father to help him with homework. His father must have ADD also because when I'm home on the weekend, I ask his father to help him with his homework. His father tells him to get started and my son just sits in front of his work and just says random things over and over again. His father goes on the computer and forgets the whole thing. I come downstairs 15 minutes later to check the progress and my son doesn't even have his name written on the paper yet. Needless to say, his father is not the best person to help with homework. We've tried doing it before school in the morning and it's just as bad if not worse because he isn't focused in morning, that's usually when we go to swim class to get ready for school. He does much better at school after physical activity.

I just decided to myself that I'm going to "let go." Who cares if he doesn't finish his homework? Who cares if he gets it wrong? I decided to let my kids make mistakes and let them learn on their own. It takes so much effort from me because I am a controlling person, the same way my dad was. But I'm not going to run my kid's life, they will learn life's lessons on their own. The only way my son realize the he needed to be on time for things is when I showed him he missed pre-school because he was throwing a tantrum before school. I drove there just to show him the kids were already in class and no one was outside. He cried all day which broke my heart because he didn't want to miss school, but boy did he learn a lesson that day. Thank you for making me realize what I was doing wrong. Letting the pressure go and allowing him to make his own choices is helping him become more confident. If he tells me he doesn't want to do homework, I'd say "fine, you won't get a check mark from your teacher." I'd say this nice and calmly and then he decides himself he wants to do it and he's so much prouder of himself when he finishes because it was his idea, not me forcing him.

If he has an off day and I have to dress him or guide him, I have to remember that it's okay. Everybody has an off day, even myself. Nobody's perfect, I have to let go! My life does not have to be perfectly organized and planned! It's okay to be late, it's okay to not do homework, it's okay! The important thing is I have my beautiful healthy children, my parents, my sisters, my friends, my home, my job, my car and my health . Thank you for putting things into perspective for me! I tend to lose focus on what is really important.

Someone asked me if I am on the spectrum. I may be on the spectrum. I tested to be on the spectrum in the online questionnaire. However, I don't think I am on the spectrum enough where it inhibits my life. I do suffer from meltdowns from time to time though as you can tell lol.

The other thing I learned this week, that I wanted to share is to not treat my son like he's fragile. Having confidence in him will give him confidence in himself. I will not use his diagnose to explain his behavior. I will not treat him like a poor little boy with Asperger's nor will I let other people treat him that way. I promised myself I would not do this while I was talking to him. I asked him if the water was cold in his swim class. He's so skinny and sensitive that I tend to worry about him being uncomfortable. He said to me, "yes it is, but I take it like a man." LMAO! I almost died laughing, from that point on I realized what I was doing to him, I was treating him like a poor little baby and he is feeding into it. I need to treat him like the "man" he wants to be treated like lol. Now I put him in charge of his little sister and I give him more responsibilities and when he accomplishes them he is ecstatic. I can see his self-esteem rising. Please Lord don't let this feeling go away. I know with ASD it's a constant emotional roller coasters ride. There are weeks where you feel like you've accomplished so much, and there are weeks where you are banging your head against the wall. But tonight I'm just gonna go to bed smiling and not think about what tomorrow may bring and take it one day at a time. Thanks again!