feeling very down

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the last 2 months both my children have been in school after haveing been home educated for 4 years. I home educated as my eldest did not like school when she went at aged 5-7 and I hated school so i thought it was best as school is so horrible and I would have rather have been home educated. I decided to send them to school as I was haveing presure from the social services to do so as they said I was an unhealthy influence on them and limiting their potential etc.

They have both done really well in school and their social skills have much improved and they have friends and like the work, they really enjoy school.

I feel so bad that I was wrong about home educating, I feel so bad that I wasted all the years home educateing and fought the social sevices to home educate for the last 2 years. I just hurts me so much to be so wrong, I feel I cant trust my judgement at all.

Another thing is the social services makes me have respite for them and the kids go to a very chavvy family with a wii and big TV and all sorts of crappy food, but the kids love it there and come back much happier and seem to like it there better than with me.

I just feel so crap and unlikeable and so bad that my children are so much happier with other people than they are with me. It makes me feel like I should ask the social worker to take them away as they would be happier with a more normal family as they seem to be so much happier when they are not with me.

I feel so sad that parenting was so important to me and Im just no good at it, I feel like not carrying on as Im so crap, it hurts too much to be rubbish at something so important to me.

I also have continuing problems with my boyfriend, he always gets disgruntled with me and says I make him feel bad. He also seems more happy when he is not with me and seems to enjoy his family and friends company better than mine.

I just feel like Im so unlikeable and such a nasty person that everyone around me does not like me and feels sad and stressed around me.

I cant change being who I am and have had therapy and all sorts and none of it has made me any different. Im just not any good at interacting with people.

I think I should just be alone and not have to do with anyone, Im just not suited to interact with people and make people cross.

i fell your pain , my son hates school gets bullied etc even by the teachers ( he is on the spectrum) i wanted to home educate but nobody would support me ( unfit , not cl,ever enough, no resources etc etc ) so he stays in school and is miserable.

so mine is the opposite end . i do find that a lot of kids prefer to be away from home sometimes BUT when it comes to the crunch they want there mummies , burgers chips and a wii cant replace a mothers love , even if in the moment they think it can.

There is no use beating yourself up about choosing to homeeducate. You did what you thought was the right thing.


as for the boyfriend, maybe try asking an independent person to act as a mediator while you sort through any issues there are between you two.

I would not say you were wrong to home school. I think of my neighbor who home schooled her son until he was oh... somewhere between 10-13... I cannot recall. He got to a certain age and wanted school, socializing, sports, all that stuff... she reluctantly put him in school and he did fine. He is grown now and they have a wonderful relationship. He is a kind young man who moved back in to help mom with the house and bills after dad passed away. I think there is something to be said for taking time with kids when they are young, not only teaching them, but being there for them... I think it can give not only an education that is often missing from public schools, but security that many kids do not get from home. I think that is a good foundation.

I opted to not home school my girls when they were little. I am glad I did not home school one of them... the other I wish I would have. My younger daughter is very...eh... worldly. She likes the things like the junk food and big television sets and cell phones and gaggles of girly girls who wear too much hair spray and fixate on the boy factor and whatnot. My older daughter was terrified of school for years and I thought if she just went to school it would help. She had full blown panic attacks when she was in 4th grade. I beat myself up for allowing things to get that far. I did what I did and I cannot change it. I guess I say all that to say you never know. No matter what you do or do not do, you never know. You just go with what you think is right and hope like hell it does not backfire on you later.

I am curious, how old are your kids? It is typical for older kids to get all happy about material things... shinies, if you will. I know it can be hard to not take it personal, but try not to. My girls run off to their dad's every chance they get as he is one of those who digs on wii's and such. Me? I did not even have a television until I married my current husband. I am the opposite of all that is fun to 'kids-nowadays'. I know this. I try to not take it personal. While I will never be the fun parent, I am the parent who can explain math, listen without judgment when a major crisis arises, help keep structure that kids need (even though they never admit to it)... as silly as it sounds, I proudly think of myself as the boring part of the growing up experience. Kids need diversity. If their lives were all games and flash, what kind of life would that be? I want more for that for my kids and it sounds as though you do as well. Nothing takes the place of a parent who does what they feel is best for their kids... even though the kids might say they would rather have cake and expensive toys. I know my kids can seem happier when they get out of the house, but I would hate to see how they would behave if they only had what they get out of the house. That image scares me.

You are doing good, ma. You love your babies and that is all that matters.

I hope you start to feel better, soon. I care about you.

The social worker came round this afternoon as the school made a child protection complaint as my eldest was upset about a meltdown she had just before getting on the bus. So I asked the social worker while she was there if she will refer me to the adult mental health team so that I can get some anti depressants or such like. She agreed she would though she wanted me to go to the doctor first and made me make an appointment. I hope the adult team can help me, I so suck at everything at the moment.

I hope they can too. Home schooling kids is alot to take on, and you doing it is I think, a great accomplishment. Try not to feel too upset about them being in school and respite, yes they're in a whole new world, but it was you that gave them educational roots they needed plus a mom who loves them enough to do that much for them.

See what the adult team can do, it sounds like you really need to focus on yourself right now and maybe find yourself a little bit of "me" time to relax.