What do you think are some major causes of Aspie rejection?

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I thought I'd type up a post because I think in order to solve a problem, you have to first find the cause of the problem. I see a lot of guys on this forum complain about being alone, angry, and embittered about being rejected by women. Haven't seen any women on this forum really bitter or angry about rejection, I see that they are more dissapointed than depressed and resentful.

I'd like to hear your opinions on why you think Aspies get rejected romantically a lot, and what solutions do you think might work. I have my own opinion on the issue, and I'll list the major reasons why I think these rejections occur.

1. Being slightly autistic

Let's start off with the obvious. The majority of this site is comprised of autistic people who have moderate autism, or very slight autism, making them highly functioning autistic people. We all know that autism is a neurological disorder that impairs social interactions with other people. We have trouble understanding nonverbal communication (body language and facial expressions), as well as the underlying emotion behind verbal messages and actions. This makes socializing a lot more difficult because we can't fully understand these things, but we can (and some of us have) learned to interact with people socially. True, we might have trouble doing it sometimes, but do. This being said, I do think being autistic does create some difficulties in communication.

2. Fear/anxiety

I do believe there is a direct correlation being autistic and lower self esteem/confidence. I believe that since we have trouble socializing to some degree, we worry and have significant doubts about ourselves and what we're capable of doing. Socializing with people we aren't too familiar with makes us feel intimidated and nervous (although this can be said about NT's as). If we apply this romantically speaking, I believe a lot of us, due to being autistic, can't read and understand emotional messages that are being sent to us by the opposite sex. We're already nervous being around someone we're attracted to personality wise or physically (or both), but being unsure of how we come across and not being able to understand what is going on emotionally only compounds the trouble. As a result, I believe a lot of us (including myself) would rather "play it safe", then engaging with the opposite sex and panicking because we don't what's going on, and we don't know what to say, because most autistic people, at least from what I observed, are naturally introverts and are most content with being by themselves or with a small group of close friends.

Also worthy of note is previous rejections. I believe the way slightly autistic people perceive rejection is very different from the neurotypical standpoint. For instance, it is my belief that a neurotypical can be romantically rejected, and be saddened and dissapointed for an acute period of time. However, after a temporary hiatus, they get back up and get back in the game. When an Aspie gets rejected, I believe them really take it to heart, and it deeply hurts them. They cling to that feeling of rejection and it stays with them, causing them to either a.) avoid the opposite sex because getting hurt again will only make them more depressed or angry, b.) they will reflect on what happened, wonder what's wrong with them and try to analyze it, and become saddened, or in the unlikely case of c.) they won't let it get to them, just realize that person wasn't right for them and move on with their lives unaffected.

3. Unrealistic expectations

I don't know about you, but this certainly is applicable to myself. In the past, I have focused on physically attractive girls that almost ALL guys look at with desire or chase after. It is natural for guys to chase after such women, supposedly the psychological cause for this attraction and resulting pursuit is that men, subconsciously, are looking for a woman with the best physical traits to pass the best genes possible off to the next general. This is a Darwinist style thought, but if you think about it, it makes a lot of sense.

Anyways, it was my expectation to get these attractive girls that all the other guys are chasing after like a dog chases after ball or a bone. My expectations were unrealistic, instead of looking to find girls who share common interests and ideas with my own, I was solely going after beauty, instead of intimacy. I like to think of this at the "Samson complex", as in reference to Samson and Delilah, as mentioned in the Old Testament book of Judges in the Bible.

I can't help to wonder if a lot of autistic guys feel the same way, in the sense that they go after the kinds of girls EVERY guy goes after, based on physical attraction alone. I believe that a lot of people who currently are in successful relationships basically started dating small, like dating friends, and worked their way up, while simultaneously gaining experience and learning about what they want in the endgame (marriage for some, a long lasting relationship outside the confines of marriage for others). So in the end, like most people, they compromise, they end up settling with people they are moderately attracted to, who they have the most in common with. They're not dating or marrying supermodels, but they aren't dating/marrying people they aren't physically attracted to at all. Yet, they find someone who shares similar ideas and beliefs (not all mind you, but I think a lot of people look for that.)

I reason that since a lot of Aspies guys (and probably Aspie girls as well), haven't dated a whole lot, they don't a sense of realistic expectations influenced by objectivity and reason. Instead, I believe some Aspies might chase after the most scarce qualities that are deemed "most attractive", instead of finding a middle ground.


These are the main three causes for rejection I've come up with. There is probably more, but hopefully you guys can help fill in the blanks

Interesting topic, OP.

Maybe a subheading under "Unrealistic Expectations": Immaturity. Your take on unrealistic expectations focused on what I think could be called "dating out of your league" - but I think there are some different levels to that particular category.

I think some Aspie guys (maybe Aspie girls too, but my experience is with Aspie guys) don't understand the effort it takes to have a successful relationship...there's an awful lot of compromise involved. I see that simplified ideal kind of distilled into a single sentence: "I want to find someone who will accept me as I am." While finding someone that doesn't expect you to be someone you're not is key to any successful relationship (regardless of neurological status) - you have to be prepared to make changes to accommodate your partner (where change is possible, obviously). There's a reason the word "significant" is in the phrase "significant other" - sharing your life with someone is significantly different than living alone - it takes work and patience and practice to make the transition successfully.

I got the sense from the Aspies I dated that their view of me was very much about how I would fit in to the life they had established for themselves. I felt like they definitely communicated what they needed from me (sex, space, time alone, a willingness to share their interests, affection, companionship)....but there really weren't a lot of conversations about what I might want or need from them. Over the course of many conversations, there were often times I'd bring up a subject or ask a question only to have it ignored. I guess it could have been simple mis-communication, but I did start to feel as though the relationships were about what I had to offer the man involved, rather than about what we had to offer each other. Healthy relationships involve equal amounts of giving from both partners.

I guess I'd also add another category: Psychological/Emotional Issues. This category applies to NTs as well, but I think it can be particularly difficult for Aspies. Bullying does damage, both emotionally and physically. No matter what the source of the bullying is or what the bully's message is, the damage can be significant, and has to be repaired. If the damage isn't dealt with, the bullied will have substantial self-esteem issues that will impact their ability to love and be loved as adults. It's a terrible, painful cycle.

Additionally, there's the whole spectrum of abuse issues that any Aspie can endure that have nothing to do with being Aspie. Those issues have to be addressed, or successful relationships will be very difficult.

Last edited by HopeGrows on 13 Apr 2010, 4:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

People are afraid of people who are different.

Aah, there's the rub. 'where change is possible'. I realize this is literally incomprehensible when you don't have the same gap in your brain that we have, but sometimes compromise is not an option. There are times when we simply cannot function in any manner other than the one we already do (sometimes it's taken years to find the one way that will work for us). That's why it's a disability, a handicap.

Again, this is the invisible quality of the disorder. When someone is missing a leg, you can see that they can't stand up, so you don't get angry with them when they can't help you carry something upstairs, and you know better than to even ask when you need help pushing your car out of the mud. But when you ask a High Functioning Autistic who appears relatively normal and functional to change a behavior or a routine and they say "I can't" suddenly they're just being difficult. They don't care enough about you to adapt. NO, they have a gap in their brain that makes the entire world different and more difficult than the world you're living in.

G'waaaaan...tell me I'm making excuses...


Imagine this: You have lived your entire life in a home in which there are invisible holes of various sizes in the floor. If you step in one, you'll fall into the basement and hurt yourself, or snap an ankle. You've grown up in this house, so over the years, you've managed to learn where the holes are and roughly how large or small, so you can navigate through the house without injury, as long as nothing distracts you while you're walking across the room.

Now someone special comes into the environment, someone you genuinely care about and surprise! They can walk through the house with impunity, because for them the holes don't seem to be there at all! No matter where they go, or what path they take through any room, the floor is solid and safe. But because they don't experience the gaps in the floor, they view your roundabout paths through the house as just odd and ridiculously unnecessary.

In fact, after a while the other person gets downright frustrated with you because you take more than twice as long to get from room to room as they do. They begin to berate you and tell you "You know, you really need to stop that silly weaving as you walk, it's getting on my nerves. If you actually loved me, you'd cut that out." Eventually it escalates to "If you can't learn to walk straight through the rooms, we're through."

But wanting to be accepted as one is, is just a refusal to compromise.

>> 3. Unrealistic expectations


I wonder if this is more true for us aspie men who are/were gifted with some form of physical attractiveness in our youth.

In my case there have been quite a number of attractive women over the years who showed an initial superficial attraction to me, only to quickly loose interest when it was clear I was a little "off" in the personality department.

In high school I never had any success with girls, but on several occasions I overheard them talking about me. "He's cute but he just sits there in class like a statue."

When I got my first job at a supermarket at 16, I was hit on by the older women who I worked with and several of them straight out told me that when I grew up, I would have to "beat them off with a stick."

Well I never did "grow up".

My constant lack of success with females led to accusations from my family and acquaintances that I was a homosexual, as many of them could not image why I was having such difficulty.

I was never officially diagnosed with AS, and didn't even learn of this disorder until I was out of college.

I was very naive about the way the world worked, and thought that just because I had some measure of physical attractiveness, I would be able to get a physically attractive woman.

I've never ever been rejected in my life. Ever.

Also, I've never ever made an attempt to romantically approach anyone... ever.

I have had difficulty doing this as well.

What torments me so much, is that I was approached by very attractive women (how often does that happen for men?), but was unable to hold on to their interest for any length of time. My failures on these occasions caused resentment among my guy friends and further accusations of being a homosexual.

@Willard, how can you say that a concept is incomprehensible to me when I've demonstrated that I comprehend it just fine? I said, "you have to be prepared to make changes to accommodate your partner (where change is possible, obviously)" - doesn't that indicate that I realize that sometimes change will not be possible?

I don't know how your specific relationships worked, or how you negotiated and/or communicated with any of your partners about behaviors you couldn't change. I don't know what kind of trade-offs you were willing to make in order to compensate for trade-offs you couldn't make. I don't know if you had a diagnosis through all of your relationships. If you didn't, then obviously any refusal to compromise on your part would probably just look like stubbornness or some other equally unattractive trait to a partner. I don't know how willing your former partners may have been to learn about ASD. I don't know how much effort you were willing to put into explaining your limitations.

My conclusions are based on my own experiences with Aspies - not on being an Aspie. While I understand wanting to be accepted, nobody - ASD or NT - who wants to be in a successful, long-term relationship gets to say, "Accept me the way I am, because I'm not changing." There may be certain behaviors that simply can't be changed - but by the same token, there are some behaviors than can be modified. IMO, a successful relationship will depend on both partners' willingness and ability to negotiate the compromises that work for both of them. In that respect, it's really not all that different from most NT/NT relationships.

from my experience,

1. Aspies due to eye contact and emotionless expression issues will appear less friendly and likely to be considered aloof, even snobby. This is a real icemaker

2. Small talk issues, we have problems making small talk

3. Further to small talk issues, we have problems escalating conversations past small talk

4. We are likely to have anxiety and approach issues with strangers due to our social ineptness

Gosh, @Taqman, can't any of your resentful guy friends give you some pointers? I mean, none of them are willing to help a brother out? What's up with your guy friends? Get them to coach you, pal. Ask them straight up what you're doing wrong. Tell them you need help - haven't any of them ever been a wingman?

The thing is that since you are attractive (based on your own experiences), and you're attracting some attractive ladies, you're actually at a bit of a disadvantage. Attractive women can usually have their pick of men, so if their "something's not right here" radar goes off, they'll drop you like a hot rock. So, in addition to my first suggestion (get your friends to help you figure out why you're c-blocking yourself), perhaps you should think about approaching a young lady who is still attractive to you, but not quite at the same level as the hotties who are chatting you up. You will probably find that a slightly less attractive lady will be more forgiving of your quirks...and that may make you much happier than going home with the hottest thing in the place.

Same here with me, problem is that with strangers I am very slow to flow with a conversation and the small talk. So they probably just pass me off as another uninterested idiot.

i think it is my lack of confidence in this issue that makes have such an issue with my life. I also have the famous lack of facial expressions. I also always feel so out of touch on the conversation since i have not had TV or net for a while.

I liked that analogy It's very close to the mark for my last (and only) relationship. I felt I was gradually learning to overcome some of my invisible holes, but it turned out to be too little too late, and I think her frustration over that was a big part of what pushed her to the other guy.

Anyway, aside from that I've yet to be rejected romantically myself, because I've never actually been brave enough put myself in a position where rejection is possible. I'm not really sure how. I like to think my expectations are realistic, though, and having made and learned from a few mistakes in my last relationship I feel I understand and can overcome the potential problems HopeGrows describes. But point 2, "Fear/Anxiety", has always been the single biggest thing holding me back.

That, and every one of the girls where I'm living right now seems to be the loud, outgoing type with a million friends, who only care for loud, outgoing guys who also have a million friends. If there's anyone around here who I could actually relate to, I have no idea where I could find them.

@Leander, one thing to keep in mind: even though a girl might be an extrovert (loud, outgoing with a million friends) doesn't mean she wouldn't be interested in a quiet guy. I actually fit that description pretty well, and I tend to like guys who are smart and funny an awful lot (and by funny, I don't mean boisterous or clowning all the time...quiet wit gets my attention just as much). In fact, I've never really dated a "life of the party" type. So maybe don't discount the extroverted girls in your social circle? (Unless of course you wouldn't really enjoy having an extroverted partner....my last ex didn't really seem to enjoy it all that much.)

I'm not sure I have anything that could count as a social circle, but if I did then I wouldn't discount the extroverts in general. I just can't picture any of the girls I see while out and about ever being drawn to a quiet, awkward type at all. Sometimes I wonder if they've even seen one before. I know they're probably not all the same, but the different girls are either very rare or very good at blending in.

My previous relationship started out online, which had its challenges but was ultimately a good way of bypassing that Fear/Anxiety barrier before we eventually got together in person. That worked pretty well for me, and was great while it lasted. But I've been increasingly feeling that going the online route again is my only viable option if I'm ever to meet someone new, which is kind of frustrating. I just can't see it happening in the real world.

I think people see their lives as a continuum, and they are walking forward and expect certain events, things, whatever, on the continuum, and so they have all their feelers out for people who are visualilzing a continuum similar to the one they have. Aspie continuum probably varies alot from NT continuum...there are alot more of them than us so we'd probably end up more likely attracted to one and all of that is going to go wrong, it's happened to me many many times.