Maintaining "The Pose".

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I am a faker. And, I have to say that, at age 37, I'm pretty damn good at it. I have to put on a "persona" for each NT I run across. And I have several personas I adopt, depending on the individual. I'm sure NT's have something like this as well. But for me, anyway, it is pretty much a structure I've erected around a pretty bare-bones core "personality". The real me just wants a quiet place, where I can pursue my interests. But that isn't the world I live in. So I adapt.

Which leads me to my broader point. A lot is made here that aspies, generally, don't lie or "fake things", or that we are unusually blunt. For me, that was true as a kid and an early teen. But I'm pretty observant, and good at identifying cause and effect relationships, punishment and reward based on my behavior. It didn't take more than a decade to figure out what kind of public persona I need to adopt to get certain things done. Also, decades of studying facial expression has meant that I've gotten halfway decent at identifying the emotional subtext of a conversation...say I now get a 50% hit rate where before I was right maybe 25% of the time.

Now, if someone pins me in the hallway expecting sympathy for some problem I don't really understand, and locks me into their gaze, I'm afraid the mask comes off (happened just yesterday...ugh). And I can't do this kind of thing indefinitely. Faking takes energy. Assessing what it is that people want from me every moment based on the investigation of subtles clues and cues is tiring.

I know that some of you manage your interactions in a similar way, based on the public conversation here. Do you think this is a "good place to be at", so to speak?

Last edited by ProfessorAspie on 20 Apr 2010, 10:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

I also fake a lot, and the problem is I hate deception but I don't have much of a choice.
Over the years I realized that being me was not in my best interest since people end up using me or poking fun at me. So I fake smiles and say hello and do all the weird rituals, but no matter how hard I try, people can still feel that little something that makes them laugh at me I force myself to join my colleagues when they gather and talk, but can't join the actual conversation since it bores me to death and i always zone out eventually. It's not an easy job to follow pointless small talks >.<

When this is said it always puzzles me too. I think the situation is that Aspies diagnosed early in life then they might tend to be the honest type. Those of us that have been living as "norms" all our lives - particularly the older among us as Aspergers didn;t exist as a a known issue until recently - are the ones who have been living a lie all our lives.

My fake persona began at around the age of 10 or 11 and developed from there. Eventually you don;t even know that you are doing it as the act becomes second nature.

I've gotten my dignosis of HFA, at the early age of 5, and as everybody here knows, I'm a very honest person. I'm so honest, that reading my posts, might be like living with me. I don't know if that's a good thing, or a bad thing.

I think this is something almost everyone needs to do to survive. I can not be the same person at work as I am with my kids. I can't be the same way with my kids as I am with my bf. I can't be the same way with my bf as I am with my parents. We all play different roles and "wear different hats." I also don't think this means that we aren't "true" to ourselves. Different situations require different behavior.

Ah, putting on the style

Yes it's normal:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impression_management

I think it's a thing that most people get subtly trained to do at a very early age - parents might use reward and punishment to try to make us do this or that, but often all they succeed in doing is to get us to appear to do it - e.g. they might make you pretend to like your sister but they can't make you actually like her, if you happen not to. A wise parent would of course not expect anything of the kind, but would accept the child's feelings for what they are, and only insist on behavioural changes.

I'm ambivalent to posing - I don't know what would happen to anybody who was absolutely honest all the time, and I'm sure I'm not, but I can't help but love the idea of a world in which I could be. I would never compliment a woman on her appearance if I didn't really mean it (actually I'm quite shy of complimenting women anyway, because it's such a well-worn male sexual trick that I barely expect to be believed even if I'm being honest, but occasionally I've thought "no, I like those earrings and I'm damn well going to say so").

I think generally I prefer to stick to "sins of omission" - like if I hear somebody perform some music, I'll tell them what I liked about it but I won't talk about what I didn't like.....it's no doubt partly to keep myself in their good books, but I'm also involved with music clubs that try to give rank amateurs the chance to perform in public, and the ethos is very much to do with boosting their confidence - paradoxically, if you tell them they're great then they tend to become great....so the deceit factor gets rather nebulous.

So I don't know. One thing's for sure, it's worth looking closely at how you come over to others. It's not necessarily dishonest to tailor your presentation to your audience, though in my case I have my limits and would hate myself if I became too fake. I love boosting people's self-confidence if it's lacking (which it very often seems to be), even when I'm probably never going to be able to call in the favour, but there's a strong limit to how far I'll let myself bend the truth.

In a way I agree with MichelleRM78, we do that but...

I also will bring out the other me when the occasion arises. It's the me that has nothing to do with specific interactions like the kids, the wife, the neighbors.

This is what I call the "actor" me. It's the one where I mentally shut down and let the mannerisms I've learned, the speech pattern I've picked up, the presence I've observed takes over and switch it on.

Places where I've used it are when I've had to make a presentation, do a lecture, conduct a meeting, become emotional in order to not look out of place.

Because if I went into these situations as the real me, they just wouldn't happen or I would end up a total mess.

I think those are the same things. Different situations call for different behaviors. It's totally normal.

This is one of those Aspergian 'differences in perception'. I think the neurotypical brain switches from one 'hat' to another so seamlessly, that the person may know they're doing it, but they don't have to consciously think about it, it just happens and it's a perfectly natural thing to do.

We, however, seem to be so hyper conscious of the switches and the differences in the 'feel' of each individual 'hat', that every time we have to switch 'hats', it's literally a costume change, so to us it feels like lying...or acting.

In my experience, lying is something I generally avoid doing, not because I'm so intrinsically, angelically honest (I'm coldly, brutally honest), but because my Executive Dysfunction makes lying extremely stressful. One lie always leads to a 'coverup lie', which sprouts yet another lie to keep the first two from exposure and before I know it, I feel literally like I'm performing a juggling act, trying to remember what I said to whom and when and making sure the details remain in place and :::whew!::: it's just more than my brain can keep up with all at once. Eventually I'm backed into a corner and busted and feeling like a jackass. So I just try to avoid situations that require deception. Like interacting with other people.

OTOH, I am very private and will go to great lengths to avoid discussing things I feel are not someone else's concern, but I don't consider that deception. I consider it none of their damned business.

My NT boyfriend does that; he tailors his attitude and actions with the people he's with. I do the same, but I am not as fluent at acting yet, or telling the situations apart enough.

Hi ProfessorAspie, I have a question for you, if you don't mind, regarding this situation that happened to you.

Can you be a bit more detailed about what happened?

Do you know the person well (ie. is he/she a good close friend)? Or, was it someone you only know as an acquaintance or professionally?

How did you feel when the person first approached you? Did they give off some kind of energy that you were aware of? For example, did you feel "different" in your body suddenly for some odd reason?

How did they manage to lock you in their gaze? What specificially did they do? Did they get within your 3 foot bubble of personal space?

What did they do or say that made you come to the conclusion they were "expecting sympathy"?


The reason I'm asking is because I have a theory that something else went on in your exchange.

I learned that something as simple as saying "Thank you" completely changed the way my sister behaved.
Rather odd.

Dude! I know EXACTLY what you mean!

It's not multiple personalities, but carefully constructed "fronts" that you have spent literally years developing. This is precisely what is meant when psychologists mention that we can "grow out of" our AS diagnosis. We don't really leave anything behind or change our core -- we just get better at fitting in as we develop our "scripts" to deal with differing situations. The rote memory "gift" assists us in remembering the characteristics of each aspect and the best responses based on either past experience or direct observation of others whose responses we can convincingly emulate. If I may borrow from Lene here: as we age and gain knowledge we become better at both the acting and telling the situations apart.

In my experience, and dovetailing with Willard's point, it isn't the same at all as the amazing Neurotypical ability to adapt to differing situations or modifying behavior to fit a particular social group. This is a far more concentrated and deliberate enactment that takes quite a bit of energy and thought to maintain and it DOES feel like I'm lying or putting on a major act. After interaction you probably also need recharge time to get yourself back together and relaxed again.

You probably already know this, but it is typical for the gaze-locking to briefly blow your persona apart. The eyes make it very difficult to maintain the concentration. I've heard it best described that looking into eyes is like hearing a loud rush of sound. You don't really hear sound, of course, but it is similar to having everything be drowned out by the eyes. The whole eye contact difficulty is widely reported with AS. Some get around this by looking just off the eyes at the hairline or something if you can do it. That's easier said than done, though.

And to answer your question: YES, I think this is a good place to be and a good direction. When you can maintain normalcy for 15 minutes at a time you can fit perfectly in a job where you have brief contact followed by more isolated periods. For example as a computer IT Manager who only needs to deal with users for brief stretches or as a professor where you only deal with students one-on-one between classes. Oddly enough, presenting for a group or teaching a class isn't the same level of interaction and can almost be considered "alone" time in a way, don't you think? Jeez, I could easily go on about this for several hours. Great post.

I maintain that Children's Theatre saved my (social) life.

From acting training I learned the craft issues that communicate meaning. I use these every day, and yes, they take effort!

For me, it's not that I am a, "faker," but rather than I am making a concious effort to present a demeanour that will facilitate my interactions with people. My motivation is not to deceive someone into believing (for example) that I have an interest that I don't, but rather to do what I must do to further my goal--whether that is cooperation in a work setting, or the establishment or maintenance of a social relationship.

Sometimes I think the only difference between me and most NTs is that I am conciously aware of what I am doing, and actively controlling it, rather than doing it instinctively.

I pulled back a lot from socializing, rather than carry on trying to fake it. Sooner or later I'd get too comfortable and talk too much and reveal more of my personality than I really like to share anymore... and also more than most people really want to hear unless they're nosy. I've recently been learning about reflective listening and looking for positive responses and holding back negative observations, all as part of learning to talk to my kids better. I find this useful in dealing with people. It keeps me shielded by keeping the conversation about them, and helps me with my tendency to say something about myself as a response to everything other people say (a safe topic for me if ever there was one). I like the idea of always having a response and never telling about myself unless I want to... I just used the topic in the past as a default. You can never be wrong (as far as anyone else knows) if you always talk about yourself. So that was my biggest problem. It means I never really get to have the kind of conversations I enjoy, about things I find interesting, but I haven't had one of those in years, literally, YEARS. No one seems to share my interests enough to discuss them at length. Short chats, maybe.

And I really do want to keep myself out of the topics because in my experience people never get it right. I don't know if I misrepresent myself or if I'm just fundamentally unappealing but it is a fact that in the past I seem to have turned people against me by being "myself" so that leaves lying or being neutral as options. I have acquired the skills to be neutral.

I used to be told to ask people questions about themselves, show interest, but was never told how to do this. Also, I don't know that I am interested in everyone, whether that's right or wrong... Reflective listening is responding with what the person just said to you, pretty much; you just have to rephrase. So if they say, "Man, it took me forever to get here, the cars were bumper to bumper on the freeway," you could respond, "Pretty packed, huh?" If they say, "Yeah, must've been an accident somewhere," you say, "Yeah, that always slows things down, doesn't it?"

Now, I would have found this to be the most insipid, stupid conversation on earth... and it is. And the NTs like it. It's like a formula for small talk, and very small it is. And I guess that's me faking. But I just couldn't fake it before, I needed a formula, and that's something I can keep up pretty well, if I have to.

Fortunately, I haven't had to. Unfortunately, I don't always feel inclined to. I'd rather not kill brain cells that way.

Agreed. The difference isn't in the masks, per se. It is in the nature of the creature wearing the mask. And it is a difference both quantitative and qualitative, if the exchanges I've had with friends is any indication.

At the qualitative level, there appears to be a difference in methodology regarding the development of personae.

I'm sure NT construct masks, and I'm sure they are quite good at it. At the various points in my life I've actually sat down and mapped out the masks I needed to create to deal with certain people. And each time I put it on, it is VERY conscious. That has not been the experience of NTs I've talked with. They have personae they have developed, but it has not, for them, been a completely conscious development. Their masks have just kind of happened based on accumulated conversation, with some conscious selection (perhaps) of features of the personae.

Quantitatively, the multiplication of personae is, I think, more extreme for the "well adapted" (tamed?) Aspie. Because almost none of them incorporate (at least in my experience) core personality features. The persona is, for an aspie, truly artifice. Again, drawing form conversations with NT friends, it seems to be something more akin to elaboration.

Last edited by ProfessorAspie on 20 Apr 2010, 3:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.