Bedtime

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Help. My 4yrold. has decided that she must sleep anywhere, but her bed. My husband goes to bed earlier then most as he has to be up and out the door before sunrise. He needs those hours of sleep desperately as his job is stressful.

She has always been good about going to bed for ths most part, but Wow it's chaos now. She wants this or that, she sees a shadow, doesn't "like" her room anymore.... So she will be fine if she can sleep on the couch, with one of us in our bed or even on the floor and that makes my husband step over her when his alarm goes off.

She had a nasty meltdown last night about having her way and I am grateful we don' t live in an apartment as it was loud. My husband slept in the chair and she was allowed to sleep in our bed as he gave into her. He starts blaming me that I am not handling it right and that puts me in the middle of all this, but I realise he is tired and needs rest after a very long day. But we just need a better way to cope.

I don't mind this every once in awhile, but this is getting out of hand

I don't know how much help this will be, but here are somethings I have tried with my son that seem to work (he is 4 also):

Reward chart - he had major problems with naptime at preschool. We started a chart where he got a sticker for every day he had a good naptime. After so many stickers he got a reward that he had picked out earllier.

Choices - I give my son a "choice" when he is having trouble with something like bedtime. He loves to listen to "Life is a Highway" at bedtime; he won't go to bed without it. I tell him he has a choice of going to bed now and getting to listen to his song over and over or fighting with me about going to bed, eventually going there, and not getting to listen to his music.

Bedtime isn't usually a big deal for him since we typically have a routine we follow. However, when our routine is broken because we have guests or something like that, I usually have to figure out something that will help, like giving him choices.

Anyway, I don't know if these will work for your daughter, but they work pretty good with my little one. Good luck!

First, your husband not getting sleep is unacceptable. Your son may need some security, but your dh needs the sleep. It is unsafe for him to be driving while sleep deprived.

Secondly, I agree with mu_girl05. Giving choices is appropriate-- it gives your son more control. The choice can not, however, be somethint that would cause your dh to not get sleep. Maybe you could lay in your son's bed with him for a few nights as he falls asleep. Make bedtime fun-- maybe make a "tent" out of blankets and let him sleep in it.

I can't think of any other ideas right now-- but make bedtime a positive, happy time. He probably is goin through a stage where he needs some reassurance, and that's important. But don't let him call the shots if its making someone else in the house miserable.

Good luck. Bedtime issues are so hard!

Perhaps she's frightened in her room? Maybe a new nightlight or some music to listen to would help. Do you have a settled bedtime routine? They are so helpful.

We go back and forth with this problem too. We have a set bedtime routine but for some reason I am not able to fathom he just goes off the chart sometimes . It seems to cycle every few weeks. Currently I am wondering if the longer days have something to do with it. Where we live it stays light until after his bedtime starting in early April until well into Sept.

I have been wondering if anyone has tried any herbal remedies to help kiddos get to sleep. I don't want to drug my child but the gyrations we go through when the routine does not work are exhausting for me and then he is exhasuted the next day and that much less able to cope at school.

it sounds like a fear reaction to me. have you tried talking to her about why she doesnt like her room anymore?

weve been through a few different fears with our kids. these are some of them and what we did to counter it.
- the dark beyond the window - put up a larger, thicker curtain that covered the whole window.
- the dark in the room - nightlight and leaving the door open (our 13 yr old still has this and has to have his door open and his room lit much brighter than a nightlight can put out)
- the quiet - radio and/or tv static
- the closet - leave the doors wide open with enough light to illuminate the entire closet so he can see nothings there

our 13 yr old has fear and anxiety issues, so bedtime for him has always been hard. in one house, his bedroom was at the opposite end of the house as ours and this caused him a lot of anxiety being so far away from us at night. he also has an issue if there is an exterior door near his bedroom. even now he has a real hard time being upstairs alone if everyone else is downstairs.

sometimes the things that scare them are things we dont even think about.

Put some flowery scented stuff in a spray bottle with water (be sure it is non-toxic, non staining etc.) Tell your daughter it is a special fairy magic sleep potion. Spray it all around her room. Magical good night sleep. Works well if your daughter is interested in things like Tinkerbell.

For a while my daughter would sleep on the floor of her room, not the bed. She went through a brief period where she would sleep under her bed.

We had LOTS of sleepless nights when she was eating gluten, before I knew what gluten was and that she was gluten intolerant (I'm not saying your daughter is, if you think she is then you could see a doctor.) She would scream bloody murder, beg us to throw out her toys, cry that the toys were screaming at her, be totally incapeable of being left alone. It turned out she was getting gluten migraines. The migraines were accompanied by that "migraine buzz or ringing in her ears". I never would have figured it out on my own!! !

Again, not trying to say your daughter has gluten problems, just saying I feel for you! We have been through many many many months of sleepless child and it is stressful. If your daughter seems to be in genuine distress then maybe talk to a doctor or keep a food log, or look for any new stresses that could be instigating this.

Good luck

first hand I can tell you some things. Im 18 and I still cannot sleep until 2-3 am some weeks. and when there is a week where my sleep is normal, I'm so so happy. there are a lot of different factors with me. first one, I don't usually get tired til very very late. second, i can't sleep if I'm not tired because my mind starts wondering and I get really bad anxiety.
they all lead into themselves. If I have anxiety, I don't get tired, and can't sleep.
I can lay in the dark with my eyes closed for 5-6 hrs and not be able to fall asleep.
not being able to fall asleep causes more anxiety.

As far as fears, I agree with AzureCrayon.

one last thing. If you set a bedtime, for me that caused a ton of anxiety, because in my head when i was younger I took it extremely literal. If i didn't fall asleep by exactly my bedtime, Anxiety would build and this would lead up to a meltdown.


my best advice is, get her out and doing something active to make her sleepy.
And idk your religion, or if you have one, But my mom gave me a dreamcatcher and convinced me it would work, so I believed it and so it gave me comfort to sleep. Im pretty sure a cross, or something of yours would work to.
try telling her, " hey this will take away bad dreams, and protect you at night" just be careful how your word it if she is too literal about things.

I can appreciate the situation with a child fearing sleeping in her own bedroom. Our four year old daughter is the same way. She has been sleeping with us for sometime, because she's afraid to sleep alone. She's afraid the bogyman will get her if she's alone in her own room. And even when she's sleeping in our bed, she'll often have nightmares. As I have stated elsewhere in this forum, she had been diagnosed with PDD-NOS last year, and as with many autistics, she has problems with nightmares and sleepless nights. And so do I, for as long as I can remember. As a kid, I sincerely lived in fear for my life every night when I went to bed. My parents were unsympathetic, thinking I had been watching too many monster movies. Actually, my Dad should have been more understanding, since he also had been plagued with bad dreams since childhood. Like my daughter and Myself, I am certain my Dad had probably had high functioning autism.

-Bill, otherwise known as Kraichgauer

Thnx people for your thoughts and suggestions. She has a cd player we turn on that plays praise music she's had since she was a baby, heavy blinds, a nightlight and a fan for white noise. She hasn't been afraid of the closet door staying closed which is a good thing.

I am thinking maybe now it is a combination of strange shadows and like was said not falling asleep right away. Tonite she has done well and seems off to the land of nod. It's possible that since dh travels a bit she was upset and got used to sleeping in our room while he was away a few weeks ago. And he had an injury so he did sleep in the chair for weeks earlier till he was more comfortable to sleeping in the bed.

My dog has her bed by the window and often the cat comes in and jumps on the bed to sleep sometime during the night. So I suppose our room is much more fun then dd's is in her eyes then sleeping down the short hallway in her own bed.

We have talked about before that both of us were scared of the dark as children for many years so I am praying that isn't the case for her as it is hard to deal with. Our parents were patient with us so I feel bad for you Bill that you didn't have that support you needed.

There is only time I remember my father punishing me for sitting on the top steps so I could see my family and the bright lights that were on in the livingroom. I had to go upstairs in our old house to the second floor earlier then my sisters and it was scary as I was about 4 at the time. After that I think they both realised that I was extremely sensitive to the dark and going to bed by myself.

I believe since many of us have heightend senses, active imaginations, recall precise mental pictures and some of us that are that are more sensitive to the supernatural that is why we as children may have a more difficult time with the dark. But there again JMHO
.

On the why: in large part, I vote for, "she's 4 year's old." Both my kids went through that at that age. I never did devise a great solution (although I will post how I chose to handle it), but they also did eventually simply outgrow it. Well, it comes and it goes for a while, but it is a common phase, even for NT kids.

What I did first with my daughter was to allow her to choose where to sleep ONCE. The thing was, what she really seemed to be avoiding was sleep, afraid of nightmares, not the location, so I found that giving the choice didn't solve it, either. After that, I started insisting she stay in her room, and promised that as long as she stayed in bed and was trying to sleep, I would stay with her. That seemed to work the best; I just slept with her. But, that was me; you've got lots of great ideas above and hopefully one of them will work for your family.

I was the same, and (I found out as an adult) my mom was too. Unfortunately I don't think I ever told her.

Is there any reason you can't let her sleep with the light on? My 3-year-old son decided awhile back that he didn't want to sleep in his room because it was too dark (and his nightlight we bought him didn't "belong" in his room, so it was out!). We compromised, and he sleeps with the light on. If he is still awake wayyyyyyy after bedtime, which happens sometimes (OK, a lot!), I go into his room and tell him, "If I hear any more noise coming out of this room, your light will go OFF." He usually decides to either sleep or play extremely quietly. It would be great if we could make kids sleep, but we can't (I remember seeing quite a few sunrises as a small kid, my insomnia was so bad). I am OK with the kids playing instead of sleeping, as long as it's not disrupting other people. They seem to go through phases and after awhile, it works itself out. Just find something that works for you and your daughter -- if it's magic spray, or a few 60-watts, letting her play quietly until she is "ready" for sleep, or whatever! I've also heard melatonin is great for insomnia, but there doesn't seem to be much large-scale research on its safety for children.

Last edited by Hethera on 28 Apr 2010, 12:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

My 7 year old was still falling asleep in our bed and even coming back after my husband put him in his bed just about 5 months ago. Since we have moved his little sister in the room with him, got him a weighted blanket and strung a bunch of LED Christmas lights across his room in addition to a big half moon light from IKEA he is finally sleeping in his own bed....oh, he also sleeps with his cat. She is funny, she will stay under the covers with him all night. He has never slept well even when he was a baby but all these things have seemed to work for him. I think you just have to experiment and find the reason why she is not wanting to go to sleep.
I also think its important to have some ritual or something very familiar for bedtime...its regulating and soothing.
Ive always had a "lovey" since I was a baby. It was my blanket that I was brought home from the hospital in for years but that fell apart around 12 or 13. I had a teddy bear for years and for the past ten years I have a stuffed Shamu. I can not sleep without him and Im 42. I even took him to the hospital with me when I had my back surgery....I guess Im to the point now that I dont really care if people think Im weird!

Mine too. I'm glad to hear he's not the only teenager who feels this way. He's got major mood problems and anxiety issues. He's very smart and sweet but just melts down if he has to be too far from us. He can go to school but I can't go near the building. We've been trying to wean him from having a parapro with him at all times, but it's not going so well. If I'm there and he's not with me it sends him around the bend. I'm a substitute teacher and like to volunteer, but I can't go to that school. He's very academically capable, it's everything else that is hard for him.

Mine too. I'm glad to hear he's not the only teenager who feels this way. He's got major mood problems and anxiety issues. He's very smart and sweet but just melts down if he has to be too far from us. He can go to school but I can't go near the building. We've been trying to wean him from having a parapro with him at all times, but it's not going so well. If I'm there and he's not with me it sends him around the bend. I'm a substitute teacher and like to volunteer, but I can't go to that school. He's very academically capable, it's everything else that is hard for him.