Feeling like a Ghost

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I've been through a lot over the past few years, and it's difficult to maintain contact with anyone. It seems that I can be either noticed and ostracized, or stay quiet, and be little more than ghost.

The funny thing is that I'm starting to get used to it. Public places stress me out more and more every day. Now I'm sitting in my room, at 3 AM, and I'm not even sure if I'll be sleeping in this room six months from now. I don't know if I'll be homeless. My inability to deal with social situations makes it impossible to hold a job.

It seems that the path of least resistance for me is voluntary isolation. It's not enjoyable, but it seems to be less painful, and less soul-tearing than everything else I could do.

The funny thing is that people do sometimes notice me, but it's always because of something I do differently. It's usually a source of pleasant surprise, but beyond that they always go back to ignoring me.

It's just odd. I know how upset I could be at this. Sometimes it just makes me want to end it all. The only thing that seems to keep me going is a set of pipe dreams, hoping to do something significant, that will gain instant notoriety.

I know I basically spent this entire post talking about myself, but this thread doesn't have to be about me. I just want to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way.

Hi CerebralDreamer,

I can relate to some of what you say. I my self have trouble staying in one job for to long even though I am very skilled at what I do (basically designing for the web). A solution that helped me for some time was contract work. I seem to have an internal timer, within the timers limits I can be productive and can even get on with people (though they take me for a bit of a creative eccentric). but after 'the timer' I usually end up feeling a little alienated. This usually comes about because I take most of what people say the wrong way, don't get jokes and talk about stuff that other find odd. I either say nothing at all or talk too long about something that interests nobody. Contract work helped me to be at my best whilst not going to far over this 'timer period. Though As I have a mortgage and a family now I have to try and stay in more permanent periods of work. 2 years is about my record now for one job. I tend to find 'positive' ways of telling others why I'm changing job. Wanting to work on a certain project or a new technology rather than saying it's because I feel socially out of place.

I realise that, rather than talk about your problems, CerebralDreamer, I'm only talking about myself. and compared to your situation mine is not that bad at all. I guess this is a symptom itself of a forum for people with Aspergers and Autism. We all want to connect but can't see others due to our own internalised way of thinking so we all spout monologues. Well at least I have realised it this time - that's something!

I hope you find your way CerebralDreamer.

BTW. what did you mean by:

Take care.

Hi, CerebralDreamer,
I can relate to what you're going through. I'm in an alright place now but a couple of years ago I felt that hopelessness, all the time. I grew up feeling like a ghost. I still feel that way. And I've always had a problem with jobs because of the social side. I'm at school now so it's better, I can take time for myself whenever I need to.
Just wondering, do you have family around you or any kind of support system?

Even in the US there must be some kind of social security systhem for dissabled people. You should really try to enlist help from a social worker, i know what its like people are your problem but they are everywere and you sometimes have to face them for simple survival.

Thank you for the support. It really helps.

I have a few ideas, but I'm not sure how they'll pan out. It mostly gives me something to think about, so I don't get upset about where my future is heading. (I guess it's sort of that hope for getting out of this mess.)


I'm on social security at this point, but my family life hasn't been that great. At this point I'm staying with my grandfather and his girlfriend, living with them.