AS /bpd relationship's

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I have been told by a therapist (a not so sane one) that I may have bpd. Even though she is a bit crazy i believe her.
Ever since then I have noticed this subject popping up here on the fourms.

I am angry at the way you all (people who have said this) talk about people with bpd as someone who activity seeks out unsuspecting people to use and manipulative. I certainly don't do that. I try to be as kind as possible. and quite frankly you talk about them being so bad in relationships when all people with AS are bad in relationships too! its a bit hypocritical if you ask me.

Now i know i am venting but i am sad and mad.

I posted this here because all i read about with borderline personality disorder is how you will end up alone. everyone you love will leave you.

I come from an abusive family. one i depend on. i am in a loving relationship and have been for years. but i constantly fear he will go. this fear is not due to his behavior its due to the fact that all my friends left me growing up because i was to "needy and unstable" .

i worry someday he will go too. even though he says he wont. because all my friends promised they wouldn't go and they did. i worry he will too. i screw up all my relationships .

My mother will be dead in less then 10 years from copd and smoking if the cancer dosent get her first and se is the only one in my family who loves me.

if my boyfriend leave me i will be totally alone homeless and just better off dead.

how many of you know of any bpd people who managed to keep a relationship or marriage?

(I'm sorry for the rant but i felt it needed to be said)

I don't want to end up alone and i wont be with anyone else he is "the one" and if i lose him my life will be over.

We aren't having any problems right now but i worry what will happen in the future if it is true and i do have bpd. besides I have had friend leave me when i thought everything was just fine.
So who knows and the uncertainty is killing me .

People thought that the world was going to end with the 2009 stock market crash. It didn't. Likewise I think that you are worrying too much-- you are presenting the worst possible scenario and believing it probable. You sound like you have lost all faith in your future. I think that the best gift you can give yourself is to have more hope for the future, because you cannot achieve without first having a dream of getting there.

I also have BPD, and am also in a commited relationship (the first in my life), with an aspie. I can honestly say that the only reason he would leave me is if I were to freak out and drive him away with my fear that, well, he'd leave me. So my suggestion is to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship (which seem to be many) and not to worry about all the bad things that may happen. Because we BPDs are great at self-sabotage, and the more we think about how things may go wrong, the more likely it is that they will.

It's common for people with BPD to think that other people around them are crazy, especially their therapists. This is a defense mechanism that protects them from admitting to their own craziness. Now, your therapist may indeed be crazy, but what you're saying has been heard before.



I'm sad that you're angry, but the behavior you're describing is, in point of fact, typical of people with BPD. The problem that you're getting hung up on, and that my own girlfriend gets hung up on too, is that they really don't mean to do it. Assuming that you are on the borderline, I totally believe you when you say you don't intend to manipulate people, but that doesn't mean you aren't doing it. People with BPD are strongly influenced by emotion, and their emotional responses very often have the effect of coercing people into doing what they (the borderliners) want. Whether there is conscious intent or not is irrelevant to the people who have to live with this behavior.



You're misreading the literature. People with BPD believe that no one loves them and they will end up alone. They are deeply afraid of becoming emotionally close to people because they have been hurt in the past, and yet they still desire and need the same kind of love that everyone else does. So they end up in troubled relationships in which they are constantly both needfully pulling their loved ones closer and angrily pushing them away. Sometimes they'll switch from one to the other at the drop of a hat. Sometimes they'll do both at the same time, like the other night when my girlfriend was simultaneously insulting me and begging me not to leave her house.

The only reason that people with BPD can't stay in relationships is that they're afraid they can't, and they make their fear a reality.



So don't screw this one up. If you've been in a relationship with this man for years, then you can be sure that he loves you. He might feel just the same way I do: that your emotional intensity and desire for love makes you a perfect girlfriend--affectionate, empathetic, supportive... except when you aren't. If you want to keep your man and make him happy, you'll need to admit the extent to which your behaviors are in fact manipulative and even abusive. You'll need to admit that at times you aren't in control. Until you do that, you'll never be able to actually take the control that you and your lover both need you to have.




I've been in a relationship with a woman with BPD for over a year and a half. I love more than anything in the world, and I'm sure she'd say the same of me. But at times she treats me as though I have no feelings, no rights, and no love for her. She knows this is true, and she's committed to making it stop. Are you?

Hey D! Glad to see you posting in here! I love you!

this book is fantastic for BPD
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Buddha-Borderli ... 818&sr=8-1

and here is her fab website
http://www.middle-path.org/

Ive met many people with personality disorder who i thought were very nice people, take others prejudice with a pinch of salt, they lack compassion for others and it reflects badly on them rather than on you. I agree one would think people who also have disabilities would be more sympathetic to the diasbilities of others.

good luck

I know what you mean, I felt pretty horrible yesterday reading all of this stuff about BPD and having it say almost nothing positive at all about people who have it =/ It said not to let them know that you suspect it, not to try to get them help...so...how are they ever supposed to get help then???

Part of me feels sorry for this girl I'm kind of seeing right now, but I know that if anyone is going to help her out, it's going to be someone who's a bit more mentally balanced than I am (not to mention more financially stable). I seriously cannot handle all this clinging towards/pushing away, it hurts way too much.

I have a feeling she won't be persuing me much longer, though...I think she finally got tired of me turning down her sexual advances, she barely said a word to me yesterday

Very good advice. I just need to figure out how to stop worrying, i don't know how to shut my thinking off. but i will try my very best!

Thanks for the link, I'll have to look into that book.

Thank you i will try to stay focused on the positive.

I have seen many therapist's in my life and i have only thought 2 were crazy. the first one thought i stole her phone and called me to ask about it. i told her to call it and she realized it was in the room. there was a lot of dodgy stuff with her. her office was the size of a broom closet and she would only work at night. she had very bad vibes, and i left cause it did not feel right. something felt off. she kinda seemed like she was on drugs.

this current therapist is actually my mom's. she seems to hate me for some reason. my boyfriend met her and even he thinks she is crazy. she is super manipulative and degrading. she will say things to my mom (right in front of me) like "it is amazing you marriage lasted with a child like this", she says pointing to me. she asked me if my weighted blanket was some kind of sexual fetish (right in front of my mom) when she said she was an expert on aspergers. when i told her it was for deep pressure stimulation for my sensory issues she looked at me like i was making up excuses.

when she told me i had bpd she said "most therapist wont want anything to do with you". That has never been the case. she also said i was narcissistic . when i was evaluated a doctor he made a point of writing in my evaluation that "i was not overly narcissistic that i infarct had very poor self esteem". when i told her this she accused me of being big headed and not willing to listen to others points of view. "I even showed her the actual paper that said this" she also said i had adhd. well in the same psychological evaluation said i was Undiagnosed with that. the doctor stated my perceived attention problems were based on anxiety and not due to lack of attention. she ended up making me cry and when i got upset she said "you are only upset because you know i am right". i was furious by this. a phd psychologist and a psychiatrist evaluated me and the papers prove she as wrong! she only had a 4 year degree and cannot diagnose me with anything. and when i disagree with her based on the facts she throws it back in my face saying i wont listen to anyone but me. but that is not true. i agreed i may have bpd but when i feel she is wrong, or i know she is wrong i wont agree just to make her happy.

This lady needed more help then i did. i need therapy just to undo the damage she did to my self esteem and i only saw her 3 times!

i want to recognize when i am doing this i am totally unaware of it. how can i notice this if i am unaware? are there any trick's to notice when i am doing it?



I don't think i push him away. i do get angry based off of paranoia. i project my family's behavior onto him and get angry at him for it. i recognize i am doing this i just don't know how to stop. I have huge fear of him treating me like my family do, even though he never has. so i do things to prevent him from being like them. is that what you mean by manipulation?



It is not that i wont admit it i just don't recognize if or when i am doing it. I am willing to admit i am doing it if it is pointed out to me. i obviously am doing something if i have bpd. I just don't know what. i don't think i am manipulative and if i am i really don't recognize it. i spend alot of effort examining my motives for saying something. i think i am a little obsessive on that point because i worry about it so much. just don't see when i am doing it. when i do i admit it. but i think i often don't see it despite my best efforts. I recognize my abusive traits. I am to controlling and i am trying to work on that.

My main motivation for fixing my bpd is for just-you. he is so good to me i want to treat him right. i want to make him happy like he makes me. he said i do make him very happy, but i feel i could do better. i just need to know what to do.



yes i very much want to get better. I am going to see my therapist (the one i said was crazy wasn't actually my therapist, she was my mother's) and talk to her about it. I am also looking into flying to Boston to get a free psychological evaluation to see if i have bpd. I haven't been diagnosed yet and i want to be sure that's what is wrong before i jump head long into intensive therapy. (it seems like me but i want to be sure) i will be working on it in the mean time anyways. that's how committed i am to fixing it, i want to fly across the country just to get diagnosed. so i am very committed. I am committed to just-you, so I am committed to getting better, so I can be better to him. because I love him and I want the very best for him. because he is wonderful!

Given that around here a psychologist working for the police strangled a criminal whom he was evaluating with his belt and after he left prison sevral years later he dyed his hair green and started appearing on TV, yep, just because someone is a psychologist doesn't mean he/she can't be crazy too... damn, after her marriage ended, my cousin went on to study psychology and I've always considered her to be crazy.

What I'm trying to say is, yes, if that therapist appears to be crazy, better stay away from her.

The problem is that the same behaviour exhibited by some BPD could just as well be seen in any number of things. Psychiatry is pseudo-scientific and their methodology is all over the place, you only need look a the recent attempts to update the DSM to see that. I would just view it as a collection of traits you may have, rather than a rigid "pathology". Anybody has the potential to develop neurosis of some sort. It pays to be conscientious about that.

I actually don't think you are being over defensive in this case. I have heard such stereotypes on this forum. There is a signa attahed to mental health problems, and some people are keen to make the distinction between developmental and psychological even though they are not mutually exclusive.

What I would say however, is you are going to come up against similar situation all the time. So ideally you shouldn't let such things get to you. But that is a work in progress for many.

Hmm from the sounds of it you should see another therapist, family therapy may have its uses but in this case independence would be of more benefit.

Even if everything she says is true, which is doubtful, clearly she doesn't have much else to offer than drama. Telling you other therapists wouldn't have anything to do with you is just weak, and like she doesn't want you to see anyone else so you know better. In terms of manipulative behaviour you are being put in a catch-22 situation. I would simply ask you physician to help you find another therapist.

Is it correct that you father was physically abusive? That being the case blaming the marriage problem on you makes no sense, in fact is is questionable whether it was worth sustaining the marriage in the first place.

You anxieties are that of someone who has been abused, it doesn't need a label, and the fact that you are aware of your fears, and paranoia is a big step in the right direction. I would look up on CBT. Seriously labels like this can make little difference, if you break things down the principles are the same.

I see some good advice here all around and I'd just reaffirm - self confidence is a building process that takes a little bit of commitment day by day, being understanding of yourself when backslides do happen, acknowledging that they will be there as a given rather than a sign of failure. Yes, self-confidence my not take you out of BPD (borderline) you'll still have challenges, but the fear of fear or self-sabotage issues should be there less.

As for myself I don't know - I'd have to look it up because I sometimes wonder if I have traces of it. I have a part of me internally that's very childish and moody, I had battled it for a long time and it seems like it has been replaced by something at least a bit closer to what I'd want to have as a grown male - I may not always 'look' mature but I feel like I have my internal game about as solid as it can be.

This is where I'm a little skiddish on giving advice - part of me wants to say that guys love a self-sufficient woman, that's true with a lot of guys, may or may not be true with your partner, I'd think there would be a lot of benefits to your own mobility and anxiety levels as well if, with enough self-investment, you worked certain things out and even if you outgrew your current man - if he didn't want self sufficiency (which I have no clue, you'd know that better) - in the long term for your own psychological health it would be for the better.

Yes my dad was physically abusive. I don't know if he was abusive with my mom but he was with me and my siblings. My whole family pretends it did not happen though. I doubt my mom told her therapist because i am the only one who broke the silence about the abuse. I know mom almost ran away a few times but there marriage lasted somehow.



Your right. alot of my irrational fears were from being abused. They weren't irrational back then. I learned to fear odd things because bad things happened at odd times and for odd reasons.

My therapist (not the crazy one of my moms) knows cbt. I will start seeing her on the 6th. I had to stop for awhile because I had no insurance but now I do ,so I can seek treatment. she is pretty good, very smart and I feel comfortable opening up to her. I am hopeful she can help me.

I think your right when you say I shouldn't get hug up on labels. This disorder is all doom and gloom and focusing on that fact wont help me at all. I shouldn't focus on this disorder just how to fix myself.