Hope only breeds despair

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Least thats the emotion I get. I try to hope and all I get is more despairing because upon analysis I don't see a solution. Still haven't bothered with that group from my earlier thread, it just seems like I'm just going to be stuck with a bunch of people who probably have differing interests and it just seems like a waste of time. When I go out for my runs I see the kids coming home from school with their parents and families, a part of me wanting to impart some wisdom upon these up and comers who have a better chance than I do. But I know all too well that no one would trust an odd one like me so I have to crush my own heart with my logic. I do that alot, using my own logical mind with analysis of past attempts at socializing only to have a history of failure remind me that continuing to risk will probably be too costly emotionally and resource wise.

Quote from Wikipedia on the word hope, " In Human, All Too Human, philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche argued that "Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment." Somehow theres a bit of truth in that statement in terms of prolonging torment. It is this torment that drives us to try to change, but for those who cannot only death seems like a viable option to end their despair. Women I don't think understand how it feels for a man to be like this, as it is more socially acceptable for a woman to be in my position. For a man however its considered an embarassment as he is counted on to be outgoing, to bring in the resources required for a family. All other men would probably look down on me as weak and try to chastise me to try and shape me up like my brother tried all his life or just belittle to make fun.

I have no hope in my fellow human beings anymore, so I just try to forget my memories in gaming and try to enjoy myself. But like in a roller coaster, when the ride stops you're still in the same place you were before. Right now I exist only because it would hurt my parents to die now, when they are gone I won't have an excuse not to kill myself. Thats still years away but its still on the calendar for when the time comes.

hope was in pandoras box for a reason

It's hard to know what another person can hope for so I don't know what hope to offer you. I just know that I have had a hard life for most of my 49+ years. Most of that time I didn't know I was an Aspie. I just knew it was all wrong and I would never make my way to whatever I was supposed to make it to. I remember when I was 19 waking up under a bench in San Francisco in the pouring rain without a thought of anyone I could call or reach out to. But I kept going with a hope for hope. Somehow, here I am, Married, children, fully in touch with my own unique strengths and weaknesses and I'm working it all out the best I can. My hope is in what I have accomplished against all odds and the God that enables me for no apparent reason other than just because. I was a bastard child sired by the fastest running missing person in the world. I was supposed to be aborted but at the last minute my mom held out for a little hope. And she brought me into this world, for better or worse. Her hope held true and now I'm still here even if many have hope that I would go away. Now I have my diagnosis and it all seems to make sense now. Things have purpose even if we are not eager to have those things.

Once you find that little something that gives you hope then hope springs eternal. And when hope springs eternal life is a blessing. When life is a blessing then it's easy to be a blessing to others and then again hope is renewed and envelopes those around you. This is the chain of live and love. Pass it on and watch it come around.

All of my hopes died years ago, our church broken up and the people cast out. aloneinacrowd's story is that of the success story against tough odds, but know that not all such stories are meant to have a happy ending. While I appreciate what you said, I've come to learn that I must accept the harsh reality that I will never have what I truly want. For I am not worthy of it. Nothing that I had hoped ever came to pass, now I throw hope aside for it is now easier for me to accept the inevitable and be ready to throw away everything than to hold onto anything tightly.

"Better that my heart and spirit be crushed than to live in hope based on falsehoods!"
Says my embittered soul.

I had hoped to have a job by now, to have a girl in my life, to have people other than family nearby to keep me going. I took many risks to try and achieve those, none of which worked. Tried the marines, didn't work out, tried acting and that didn't work out either. Job searched a long time and then just gave up.

Yeah when I am like this I am a major buzzkill. I'm cynical and pessimistic by nature these days, so when bad things happen I am never surprised.

Dang Hellfox,

you sure you didn't copy paste that post from somewhere?

LIKE MY FREAKING MIND!

right down to the parents still alive stuff.

(several hundred word text personally censored, basically echoing same sentiment with CosmicCowboyism thrown about)

I just learned about AS and finally came out of denial less than a week ago...
I thought I was normal... a NTer with bad luck bad timing, and probably suffering a litttle PTSD because of it...
I am 48-49... Very High Functioning...
every that knows me says I look normal on the out side. no major ticks, visible stims, etc. extreemly diciplined,

Looking back I have to laugh I made it into the special forces as a night fire-team member M16 marksman range of 400yards, M-60 Gunner 700yards, 203 grenades, night qualified, hand-to-hand kill zone of 20 feet under 6secs. so were not all clumsy. but it failed miserably, They made me go through basic training twice, because my personality had not altered enough for them. So they think I need to do it again.

What is it with us, because we have Extraordinary thinking ability, and for some, extraordinary dexterity, that we have to do life twice as hard to make up for the bonus gifts? which we cant even use? because life don't afford us the opportunities.

You know what I am perfectly normal, Extra-Ordinary Super-Natural, Im
super-extra-ordinary normal those others are the ones that lack,
Lack Honesty, Integrity, Truth, ability to even comprehend those things, they are the ret*d, the deficient, I may lack a community or a family, but I dont lack the understanding of what right and wrong is,

I have had Hope snatched from me so many times, once I had a normal person that saw me eating the sh-t of life once, say in a bewildered like empathy "if that happened to me id kill my self". Even normal people can see that there is this freaky misfortune. And even though this seems like an internal problem, its manifested externally?

I even became a Minister for a church, preaching from a puplpit, I have taught in peoples homes, and baptized several, I taught hope, Faith, door to door, and really believed it,
Then... years later,
Logical AS kicks in, and photographic eidetic memory, I still many years later can recite scripture verbatim, i cant give you the number of the verse, but when you find it, it will be verbatim, King
James.

But now I could spew a poison of heresy that would shake even the most settled christian. And do it, in a non stop rant for hours and not break out of King James once. A bitter heart, hardened by the so called living God, now to an adamant stone. My heresy would be a recital of all scripture to this day of unfulfilled broken promises of God,
"What you Sow, You shall Reap"
Really?
I don't remember ever sowing such bull crap that I have reaped in my life. In Fact, there is no way in hell I got the heart to repay humans for what they have sowed in me. so how does that false promise work any way?

And ASK and you shall recieve
SEEK and you shall find
KNOCK and it shall be opened unto you.

What about ASK the Father ANYTHING in Jesus name and you shall receive it?
What about CAST all you cares upon him for he CARETH for you?

Then maybe I am a Tare, Demon spawn, a hell-boy. Trying to fight for good but damned to hell and tormented before I even get there.

Even the devils got some mercy from Jesus when they cried out OH LORD have you come to torment us before our time.

I'm sorry I totally derailed,
I now believe in my safe zone of purgatory as I wait for HELL. Death Row is what I call it.
For what ever Abhorred evil that I done before I was born, I was sentenced to DEATH and to life imprisonment on earth with out parol so now I wait for death. and there are many days I wake up and in minuets go in to a full storm, because I am still alive, and I curse God with my whole being of life that's left.

which brings another verse false promise,
I will not let any thing to come upon you that you cant deal with but will give you a way to deal with it.
Para-phased
Really? of Great and AWE-some GOD,
Suicide in my opinion wouldn't you say oh Lord, is a bit to far....

Your thoughts on hope sound very similar to my own. I think that if you are able to relinquish hope and accept that all is lost from the beginning, you have a chance at getting something worthwhile out of life. I think hope is a kind of demand upon life. We hope for good things in the future and become disappointed when they don't come. If instead, we can throw away our hopes, then whatever good does come our way can be looked upon as a bonus.

What is hope? The desire and expectation that good things will come in the future. If you are passive and take no action to work toward goals there is a very good chance that the things you hope for will not come to pass. Even if you do take action, there is a good chance that they will not happen. But setting goal and working toward some end, while it might fail, it also might succeed. And it's more fun to be doing something than it is to stare at the walls.

Although I tend to get depressed a lot, I consider myself to be an optimist. I may not have the brilliant career that I had hoped for in my 20's, but what I have is so much better than what could have been. Maybe I lose something by throwing away hope; my dreams are smaller now than they were 20 years ago, but I do succeed at many things I apply myself to.

I still hope for things, but my hopes are smaller. More attainable. As I have shed the bigger dreams, I have opened myself up to dreams that I can manage. Maybe I will build up to bigger dreams again, or maybe I will happily plod along doing small things. I don't know. But by letting go of big hopes and embracing small ones, I find I am much happier and more effective in life.

Hope can kill you. Get rid of it and you stand a chance of finding a lot of good things in life.

Lars

totally agree,

I call it

Hopelessness...

The ability to have less Hope
hence

Death Row.
it is a full release of all hope for those there wait daily for their number to be called.

It is a fearless place, because all you have left to fear in this world is death, for all the rest has been taken from you. There is no way left to harm your heart because you have already been there before, sorry callused.

Then you become Fearsome,
I shudder to think what a collective squad of AWE-tistics could do,
No fear, Welcome Death, Intensely intelligent, A Passion of Pain unequaled by the normal - skillZ
a down and dirty dozen,

I dare say that they could do a Jehad that would make the columbine look like a couple toddlers, wobbling around. I just hope I'm not the one that pisses em off...

I completely agree. I've always said that we can only be truly happy when we lose hope completely. Hope leads to expectations which usually lead bitterness and sorrow. Without hope we are in a neutral place in our minds. At least I am.

Yeah, I know fully well where you all are coming from on this. My hope in life had been shattered from day 1 of elementary school, which in and of itself is a very long time ago. Back then I knew I wasnt even similar to any of the other kids. I already had a college level of speacking and reading, an I would spend my time being a cynical, whiny little b**** than even bother with the other kids. I have mostly remained the same over the years, aside from being a lil whiny b****. I have now pretty much turned to biting sarcasm in pretty much EVERY social interaction. I see something wrong in everyone now, even though I am the one who is inherently wrong. All because im one of the minority inflicted with a mind that can think outside of the rest of the ******* herd of mindless sheep we call society.

Tried going to church when I was younger, didnt work out for me anyways. all I gathered out of it was that those so called rules, such as turning the other cheek and whatnot just make it easier for other people to use you as a doormat. I dont like being a doormat. So i ended up mentioning it to the priest about how I felt about all of this, and he gave the generic, "believe and follow" response. In turn I thoroughly explained logically why it just doesnt work, and I get kicked out. In turn it instilled into me the though that god is just a concept used to control people like a flock of sheep. Then I made a connection of how society is to how there are so many references to followers and flock in the bible. This all kind of given me evidence towards my own self-formulated beliefs.

Nowadays I have gone through jobs, and lost em all, still unemployed after 9/10 months since my last job. Still putting up with society sadly, and im even more of a cynic now than I ever was. LIfe has fallen apart for me, and all I can really do in any ways of hope is the fact that the way things are headed, hopefully everyone else will hit rock bottom as well, then I can laugh at them for criticising me in the past, and mock them til they all go absolutely nuts.

I am indeed a being that has developed a pure, distilled hatred towards society. What has been said is only a very small fraction of what I have thought and experienced.

Speaking as a 49 year old, that only in the last week accepted and now gets it...

From observation,
The result of our AWE-tisim, is a natural response to something foreign and threatening,

Like white blood cells, that get rid of infection.

We are foreign, threatening, for all I know our hopelessness is infectious.
The NTers are trying to do that which is perfectly natural to do, when aliens invade them from outer space...

The fools keep looking up for the invasion...

1 in 70 male...
increasing all the time.
We are the abduction experiments that are starting to show up...

The infestation has begun...

When you reach the end of despair there really is no option but to accept the unsatisfying nature of things, and just get on with making the most of things. Once you can let go of the hurts and disappointments, you are free. It's your attachment to things not being the way you want that hurts you.

That might sound flippant, but there you are. I've been where you are, so I offer the hope that hope may someday return. My life isn't so bad now. Not perfect, but the crushing existential despair went away, and I found reasons to live.

If you've lots of time on your hands, have a look into Buddhism. You're a smart guy, and you are already intimately acquainted with the first noble truth.

I felt the same way, when I was your age.

Hope is an odd thing. I want to believe in it and hope for a better 'me', hope for a relationship where I'm understood and loved more than life and hope that I turn out 'ok'.
I can't rationalize the savagery I have been dealt (and dealt out) in life: maybe hope manifests in closing my heart to experiences (they all hurt me in the future anyway).
Maybe my painful memories visit conscious thought less, leading me to feel more positive? (not that they're gone, just remembered less so I feel more 'hopeful')

I love Shawshank. I want hope to be the best of things. But it is blind, like all the big emotions.

In my heart of hearts, I embrace void. No rational mind would embark on love or hope; both are folly. I'm not sure yet if fear and hate are equal in folly to love and hope.
I like void.

But, speaking of hope I'm always amazed that my body heals itself constantly. For whatever reason, my skin always heals, my colds get better and it never stops trying to keep my person interfacing with the planet as best as it's able. I think that's cool. It's kind of like my cells want to keep kickin' ass and only death will stop them. Until they turn cancerous and evil. But even those suckers are like non-giving-up principals.

In the meantime, embrace the Night-bringer.

the only thing that keeps me going is the certainty in my mind, that if i cut and run, the afterlife i will experience will be inferior to the one i will experience if i stick it out and expire at my predetermined time as agreed before this incarnation.

I agree hope lead to despair...

but without hope I will stop trying and will never make me feel better.

At least I try my best and never regret.