Parenting your pre-teen...sigh

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I've got a boy 12 year old, so he's already behind the maturity of girls and then he gets dinged with having the Asperger's factor.

My son is very immature in "presentation" and I mean with himself. His father must ask him to "act" his age more times in a day than I can count b/c he still has that "pre-teen" attitude.

I just found out he has facebook b/c "all his peers" have it. But after surfing around I realized he doesn't fit in. For instance,
A girl made a comment about a picture of herself saying "Rnt I Hot"..and he replied "What do you mean hot", another instance of two girls heads together side by side, my child's comment "You can get lice". I deleted both.

How can I help him? Social stories are geared for young children but he's at the "Awkward Pre-teen" age where he's really gonna stand out.

EDIT: We talked about why we deleted the messages as he was sitting with me as I was reading them to him.

I've got two Aspie boys who are 11 and 13. They are also very immature, but radically different from each other. My 13yo is an extrovert and the 11yo is one of the most introverted people I've ever met. He is more outgoing with me and immediate family but for everybody else he is extremely shy. He's also lonely and wants friends.

There are social skills training programs. My 13 year old is in one at school. I'm going to buy one and do it with my 11 yo this summer as he is too high functioning to get that at school. It's not so much that he does better than the eldest but as an introvert he doesn't disrupt the class so they don't want to do an IEP for him. He's also very gifted and bright and gets excellent grades which is good but weakens the argument for an IEP.

My son wants to be "wanted" so to speak. But when he has meltdowns (few and far between) it puts him back on the outside. He talks talk talks but doesn't know when and how and what.

He's like every other 12 year old in that he loves video games but he finds things funny that my 9 year old would laugh at or make a joke about. For example, "Hot dogs are ready", his reply "They killed a dog, oh no...". My gut says is that necessary...my mouth says something different.

But the facebook thing definitely threw me.

How do you help a kid in a pre-teen world that is still in the mind of 9-10 year old?

He knows it was deleted give me a break. He was there and we talked about social vs fact. You're right he's 12 but he's very factual and gotten a lot of grief from kids about his differences.

The girl was in a picture and she was asking a rhetorical question. It's kids today believe me my niece is 14 and has ADHD and is overweight and been given a lot grief and I don't appreciate the presumption that I did this behind his back but if I don't teach him who will? I know, not any of the kids will help him out there. They already think he's different cause they don't understand. I don't think he's a ret*d thank you and I don't like and appreciate that word, it's a word children use and it's mean. My son gets almost straight A's in grade 6 but no one is teaching him social situations and it is my job as his mother. Didn't I post under "Parent Discussion"? Thank you for your opinion but I don't care for a reply.

kdeering75 wrote:

"You can get lice".

That's hilarious! And it's funny...because it's true...



And what did she mean by 'hot'? Maybe that's just her overinflated ego talking...



Give the boy a break, fer cryin' out loud. 12 yeas old is still just a kid. If he has AS, fitting in is always going to be a problem, and the only way to learn it is by doing it and failing. Your going around behind him and trying to fix his faux pas is only delaying the inevitable, and trust me, if her ever finds out you're doing it and why - he's going to be mortified - not so much because he might have said something his peers thought was stupid, but because he will realize that you think of him as defective and embarrasing. Leave the boy be. Let him take his lumps and figure things out on his own. We take a little longer, because that stuff doesn't come naturally to us, but we're not ret*ds, we get it eventually.

Very true. My son academically is right where he should be despite Learning Disabilities. But we've learned tricks for somethings.

He hates reading because it takes him forever plus he forgets so he ends up refusing. NOW we buy or find audio to accompany the book. He loved Percy Jackson btw. Greek myth is so fascinating that he really got into it.

Writing skills are still a bit behind since he's not good with expressive writing skills and the school hasn't really done the job as far as the things he needs Laptop, Visual Cues, Breaking Down in Chunks. It took his grade 5 teacher almost "all" year to get it and this teacher just isn't be flexible though he has an IEP.

Math well he's really good with step by step problem solving as long as he's seen it and tried it but questions that require explanation not so much. And multiplication and division, well that's why they make calculators lol.

French he loves and really does well since his phonics is well developed as well as spelling and rout memory is pretty good, everything in repetition is the KEY.

As far as social he has one friend that isn't affected by his differences but the teacher barely tolerates him but I can barely put up with her so school is almost done and a new start, new school and he is unsure but going to be with his own age group in Middle School Grade 7 vs the High School Grade 7. New resource teacher has been very helpful for transition. IEP is ready for September as well as Laptop Request.

I know that because boys mature slower I probably wont see change till high school.

I think plenty NT folks also do a lot of "lamebook" stuff on facebook, myself included Maybe not lamebook worthy, but facebook fails are pretty common anyway. The fact he's got an account and people add him I'd put along the lines of being in pretty ok shape socially. That being said, I'm not letting any of my kids on it until they're in high school-- that's *my* social network!

I agree that the boy should receive social skill training, but parents should NEVER be on Facebook. Period.

your son sounds very much like my 13 yr old son (not dx asd but not nt either). mine is immature in the same way, but i usually refer to it as naivete.

i am thankful that in this day and age, i have a son who is not "worldly". he grew up in a small town and was naive in comparison there. two and a half years ago we moved to saginaw michigan where the kids are MUCH older at a younger age, if that makes sense. the crime, drugs, and poverty where we now live make kids grow up way too fast. i am positive there are kids in his middle school that are involved in drugs and sexually active. my sons natural innocence is a wonderful thing,

i see nothing wrong with your son being the same way as mine. while socially it may make things more awkward, being naive is not always a bad thing. especially when you consider how easy it is for kids to be exposed to more adult themes today than when we were growing up. once things do start to click, it will go plenty fast, there is no need to push them into it.

i have another son who is completely NT, a real BOY boy, rough and tumble, athletic and good looking. he is a social butterfly, his personality is such that boys and girls flock to him like bees to honey. i am terrified of what his teen years are going to bring. as a parent, i'd rather deal with the innocence than the lack thereof.

btw, i would be horrified if i had a 12/13 yr old daughter who was posting pictures of herself online and asking boys if she was hot. HORRIFIED. im pretty sure she wouldnt see a computer, much less the outside of her bedroom, for several years if my SO and i found out about such a thing. as much as i have always wanted a daughter, there are times i am more than happy i have three boys =)

I certainly dont think that monitoring your kids online is a bad thing but in your first post you did not specify that you and your son spoke about deleting his posts. You just said you deleted it.
I think it depends on your child and you and his relationship but if it were me I would be very upset that my Mom was trying to "fix" my social screw ups just because its embarrassing. He is still young though and this may not bother him.
I know how hard it is to watch your kids grow up and see them making mistakes and not being able to fix them....but you really cant fix them in this way!
I have AS and I have one 17 year old daughter who is also, a 7 year old son, and a 5 year old daughter with Autism....just in case that comes into question. I also have one 22 year old son who is bi polar and a 20 year old daughter who is NT.
If your son is saying these things online Im sure he is verbalizing them at school and you cant delete that. I know that you want to protect him from being ridiculed but you cant follow him around all day.
You might want to look into social groups or social coaching. Usually a one on one therapy like social coaching is covered by insurance. My 7 year old has gotten a lot out of his social group and has even made a friend with a older boy next door (he seems to get on better with older kids). I offered the social coaching to my 17 year old but since she has recently been diagnosed she is not interested as she is still coming to terms with a lot right now. She knows its an option if she needs it.
Anyway, I hope I didnt make you mad as well and I wish you and your son luck in getting through this difficult period. Puberty sucks all the way around.