I'm a borderline case, would you say I'm on the spectrum?

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First off, despite being diagnosed at age 14 (actually technically HFA), I am still questioning if I have fully fledged AS or am on the spectrum.

I know none of you know me personally (except one member here), but I'll tell you my story and you can give me your expert (we are, after all, the greatest experts about AS!) opinion.

As a child, I was rather withdrawn and very shy. I had friends like normal kids, but my mother tells me it was always they who initiated it. If left to my own devices I probably would have been a loner even from back then. And in some ways I was. I had obsessive interests like dinosaurs, collecting shells and stamps and space. Whenever I became absorbed in my obsessions that was all I thought about 24/7: I lived and breathed it. I was a fairly good kid - a bit cheeky but never malicious or mean-spirited. Teachers reported I was quiet, conscientious, did my work well; I achieved decent grades.

I was a big softy and would cry easily - one of my earliest memories is kind of strange, looking back. I think I was 4 or 5, but I remember one time my mother made me a sandwich, and for some reason (I might not have been hungry) I only had a couple of bites of the sandwich and I threw the remainder in the bin. I remember I felt bad about it, maybe because my mum had spent time to make it, so much so I cried! That was kind of an isolated incident, but other than that I was still very sensitive. If my parents raised their voice at me or something I was liable to flood like Hoover dam, lol. This would manifest itself through my troubled teen years.

Anyway, back to early childhood. Apparently, according to my mum (who's adamant I have HFA or AS) a couple of my teachers said I was stubborn and sometimes had no empathy for others. I was never mean, I just didn't think about how my actions affected other people. I never got into much trouble though, although I remember an incident where I stuck a pin on some blue-tack to the teacher's chair, not fully comprehending the enormity of my actions. Thank God I renegged at the last minute (maybe I did have enough sense/empathy for that at least). Still, I easily felt bad about others and never wanted to hurt them. One time when me and my best friend were rough-housing I hit him in the face a little too hard and gave him a blood nose. I remember feeling rather dazed, almost as if I commited murder or something!

I will admit a few embarrassing facts. Like how one time in class I was so shy to tell the teacher I needed to go to the toilet I peed my pants, at age 8 (this stopped pretty soon after that, though). I think I understood emotions and feelings and all that, I was simply too shy to express myself. By the time I was about 11, however, I did grow in confidence, and had a stable group of friends I'd hang out with. Unfortunately when I look back on that I just remember the things we did, not so much how we related to each other. Conversations seemed to revolve purely around interests. Age 9-12 was probably the happiest, most stable period of my life. My mum actually told me when I was about 6 she and my pediatrician (who would later diagnose me) said I possibly had some form of mild autism. By the time I was about 9-10 though, I seemed a perfectly normal kid.

It would take a trigger like anxiety to make them go back to their earlier thoughts about autism. Thirteen was a tumultous year for me. I changed schools, began puberty, and also got hit by the mother of anxiety attacks. One morning when I was having a shower I noticed one of my testicles was twice the size of the other. Being the naive son of a a doctor (my mum) I immediately freaked out and thought I had cancer. I did alot of research on the net etc which - in my mind - seemed to confirm my suspicions. Despite my ravings my mum said it was all in my mind, but she was a good enough sport to arrange an ultrasound to put my fears to rest. After a month of worry it was found I didn't have testicular cancer - it was merely one was growing alot faster than the other. It sounds silly looking back, but during the worst of it I was so worried I couldn't eat or sleep and was about 80% sure I would die. For some reason, I didn't take into account the fact that even if I did have cancer it was probably curable (the type of cancer).

In my chronology this marked the end of the idyllic halcyon days of childhood. My teen years were a treadmill of anxiety, insecurity, isolation and paranoia. To this day I believe I suffered some kind of post traumatic stress. I was never the same. One sure sign of it was when I got anxious for no reason what so ever. I was about 14, and I'd get anxious for days at a time for no reason. I should also say that in high school I basically had no friends and kept completely to myself. From what I remember I was a somewhat confident 12 year old (but still very shy), but when high school started I was a real wilting violet. I couldn't initiate conversations with others, and often give one or two word answers. Social situations made me extremely anxious. Sometimes they seemed confusing or chaotic. I didn't have problems reading emotions or body language, I was just too reserved to participate. I would spent lunchtimes reading in the library or on the computer. I've always been really creative and would draw alot - that's another thing, people have always said I was a good drawer (sadly I've neglected that for many years), and I've always been very creative/had an active imagination. I'm a creative writer who thinks in a kind of abstract way. My writing is filled with equal parts abstraction, detail and emotional content.

And so I paid another visit to my pediatrician/psychiatrist (he was both, I think). He referred me to a couple of specialists on development disorders, who asked me questions and made me do various tests (you know, like the ones where they show you all the smileys and you have to identify the emotions) as well as IQ tests. They found my IQ was borderline mensa, but I was SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE on the tests measuring empathy, emotional intelligence etc. It wasn't like I was completely stumped by them; I was just a bit weak because I hadn't really been exposed to social relations much at all. It was, however, the 'circumstantial evidence' that was the clincher. It was the fact I had no (maybe one or two, but it was a one way street) friends my age, found it difficult to relate with others, had obsessive interests - that was it. So I got diagnosed at age 14 with high functioning autism.

The anxiety continued through high school, but in my later years my social skills improved. I could now have proper conversations with people, had friends I hung out with in and outside school, and was probably relating better to my family. Because I was getting benefits for it, I didn't question my diagnosis. In the back of my mind I wasn't 100% sure about it.

And so I started university. My social skills improved, but I was never going to be Mr. Extrovert. I mixed mainly in university, had a few more obsessive interests; in high school they included Star Wars, weather, biology/animals/geography, mythology and history. Just to expand on that a little, the most peculiar of these interests was related to weather/geography. The fact I'd spent a large chunk of my free time doing things nobody else I knew was doing; creating my own countries, writing detailed histories and geographies of them, presenting statistics about them (population, climate stats etc) - sometimes I'd spend a whole day doing that. I knew the fact I could spend drawing a map of average temperatures for my make-believe country was a bit peculiar, but it was like therapy for me; I retreated from the world and withdrew into my imagination.

But those obsessive chart-making days are mostly over. When I was 19 I got heavily into music, and that passion consumed me for a few years. I was so gonna be a rock star! Then I was going to write the next Lord of the Rings (6 month fantasy phase). I prefer mellow, melodic music, and I oldies (pre-70s) is my favourite.

Now, I sometimes have trouble recognising the 14-year old me as me. Recently I started researching autism and asperger's again, and started to question. My main area of contention is on the emotional intelligence of people with Asperger's, and their supposedly deficient 'theory of mind.' If anything, I feel especially sensitive to those things. It was always that I was too afraid to express myself or involve myself in situations where I could be exposed to social dynamics and demonstrate my social side. For instance, take the supposed inability of alot of aspies to understand jokes. That was never a problem for me. I like to make jokes alot myself and have a sense of humour. Sometimes I get jokes some 'NTs' do not. I love a good comedy. But I know that's a smaller thing which is only for some people...anyway...I've done those face-reading tests, or the tests where you have to recognise emotions by eyes, and I actually score above average on them. I can quite instictively tell what someone is feeling, and people say I am a good judge of character because I can see through people. I'm very interested in psychology and how people think. I'm also not a slave to routine - I like to mix it up a bit. Significantly, I suppose, is that I do like to socialise and am quite friendly and sociable. Recently I saw a psychiatrist about my anxiety and asperger's, and he commented I seemed alot 'warmer' than most people with HFA or Asperger's. At first he wasn't sure if I had it or not but then said I probably had a very mild case of it.

Because on the flip side there are things which might still suggest I am indeed on the spectrum.

I seem a bit awkward sometimes. Like the way I walk, sometimes the way of I talk lacks a bit of emotion (largely that's because I can't be arsed though, lol) - at school they all thought I was a pothead! The obsessive interests I talked about - I'm still a sucker for things like stats, maps (especially say, climatic maps or a map showing the distribution of various accents. Those maps are like a wet dream for me - can't get enough of them! I'm still mostly an introvert - but I'm not sure if that is directedly related to AS because my mum is almost a hermit. Like I said, though, I do like socialising and meeting new people in small doses.

I'm 24 and I've never had a girlfriend or had sex - yes, I'll admit it. Don't really care who hears it. The main reason is a perpetual lack of self-confidence. Never could get beyond friends stage. I don't usually have the guts to go up to talk to a girl (though I have pushed myself, nothing came out of it) There are NT guys who are in the same boat too, though. I'm straight, and actually started liking girls pretty early, and am actually pretty romantic inside. The thing is, like alot of guys I'm not big on talking about feelings etc - I mean a bit of that is fine, but I don't know I'd be totally accommodating to every whim my SO has. I'm not a macho nerves of steel kind of bloke, but sometimes I'm more interested in things and concepts than people.

Right now I have a few good friends I hang out with. I do feel I need at least some of that. I spend way too much time on the computer as it is. I want to pursue my musical ambitions, and write music/play guitar/sing. I'm less emotional than I used to be but still sensitive. Oh I should mention how I was kinda bullied in high school, and how I reacted really badly to that. It was just a bit of playful shoving and name-calling, but at the time I got so incensed by that I was almost ready to kill them (I was pretty vengeful in some ways). Not really, but I was just really hurt/angry at the time. I don't feel so much like that anymore. I'm a forgiving person - I don't hold a grudge towards anyone, and always prefer to make friends even with my worst enemies.

Anyway, that's about all I can say for now. I told my mum I don't think I'm a typical aspie - if I am, I'm borderline. I said if there was an 'aspie lite' condition then maybe I have it. It's not that I'm ashamed of it, I just don't know if I have the defining characteristics of it. My psych said I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder and maybe sociophobia and mild OCD (I think that's related to paranoia, which is another can of beans) and I've often said lack of confidence was the main reason for my social isolation, not a sort of social oblivious/mis-understanding. I can be as emotional and subjective as anyone, I'm just not good at expressing it. I have some 'autie' interests (which autistics tend to have) like statistics, maps, geography and others - like psychology, an interest in people etc that aren't associated with aspies. I tend to like films with some emotional storyline going on - actions movies often bore me.

I'm still pretty self-absorbed, but am becoming more connected with others. I often live in my own world - the world of my thoughts, etc, and I'm pretty independent. I hate being reliant on people or having others rely on me. When I meet people no one usually suspects anything is 'wrong' with me. Just that I'm shy.

Sorry folks, I know I rambled on and on. Thanks if you read the lot! Would love to hear your opinion, feedback.etc. I should make it clear if I really believed 100% I had AS I wouldn't be ashamed of it - my verdict is actually I have borderline AS. The thing is, I don't know if it's enough so that I can be meaningfully categorised as an aspie. Do I have the cred to be included in the aspie community? Anyway, hope to get some replies! I've read some interesting stuff and met some really cool people here!

I hate to say this... but you do sound borderline, and I can't tell either! You're talking about a lot of autistic traits, mixed with some strong introversion and social anxiety. The obsessions are definitely autistic-style; and so is not knowing how to make friends as a child. But you seem to have grown up and learned to do the things you didn't know as a child; and right now, you know enough that it's kind of a toss-up whether there's actual impairment. So as far as medical diagnosis goes, it could go either way. When it comes to having had many of the same experiences, and the same cognitive style, as diagnosed autistic people, though--yeah, you do. That's pretty obvious. Research the term "broader autism phenotype". It's not actually a diagnosis; it's what they call it when somebody has sub-clinical autistic traits (they often have autistic family members, too). You probably could've been diagnosed with AS as a child.

Emotionally-sensitive autistics are not uncommon, so that doesn't rule it out for you. Lack of emotional reciprocity is only one trait, and you don't have to have it if you have others.

If you're having trouble with some of these traits you're talking about, you could always ask a doctor to make the call. If you're not having trouble, then you might just say "I have autistic traits" and leave it at that...

This is my first post.

When I read the original post, I found saying 'ditto' to many of your experiences including some of the embarassing admissions My iq has also been tested above 140, and either because of the IQ or because I haven't had any impairments after my early 20s, I have never suspected about being in the spectrum. Only recently when my son (who is 6 years old) started exhibiting some of these symptoms did I become aware that I might have been on the spectrum too when I was younger. Just like you, the only symptoms I still experience are obsessions like maps, sports statistics, psychology etc, and some disinterest in major social occasions like parties. However, no one around me would believe that I have any issues in social functioning. I'm happily married, have done well in the same job for 16+ years, and even considered very friendly

My self-assessment is that at age 6 or even at 15 I might have been diagnosed as PDD-NOS or AS if DSM was applied strictly. The fact that I have a son who is somewhere on the spectrum confirms this belief (given the genetic basis).

I think it depends where one draws the line as far as what the spectrum is. Some people use it to only mean those with a diagnosis, or who qualify for a diagnosis. Personally, I think it includes those of us who definitely have traits, even if we don't have enough to qualify for a diagnosis. And thus, pretty much, if you are asking the question, the answer is yes.

It would be a real shame if no one on the Spectrum ever made advancements in their coping skills. Your neurological make-up hasn't changed into NT territory; your ASD wired brain has made appropriate adjustments.

Yes, my problem with how my mum and some others view it is as an 'either/or' thing. But they do acknowledge it is a spectrum, I just don't want to be defined by something that doesn't accurately represent who I am. Which is why I use the term 'borderline', but saying I have AS traits also makes alot of sense. I don't deny I've ANY AS traits, just not enough to be a typical aspie. I'm vaguely aspie-ish, but equally I can't relate to alot of them. In some ways I find myself relating to 'NTs' more than aspies.

Interesting you say that, matrix. I've felt alot of the socialising has come naturally, but I also feel some of it was consciously learnt. Still, I don't think the extent of my 'handicap' if you will was typical aspie level to begin with.

I'm an emotionally sensitive autistic. I can cry very easily, if somebody hurts me.

Its not unusual to go through periods of varying functionality in broad cycles. Having never heard of AS at your age i was forced to behave like everyone else, whether it was difficult or not. I my twenties I think I was moderately comfortable and successful socially. However, that said, you're not out in the real world just yet.

I know I'm the neighborhood Eeyore, but 'mild' can often mean 'not fully aware of how its affecting me' where AS is concerned. If its not bothering you at the moment, then don't obsess over it. There's plenty of time to study it all later, if you feel the need.

I'm not sure, but it could mean that you're not asperger.


A lot of things in your post could come from giftedness (Including your obsession) and anxiety problems. Your IQ has been tested near Mensa level after all, so it could be a possibility.

A list of charetiristics here:
http://watertown.k12.sd.us/gate/chartics.htm

And this thread: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postxf125211-0-60.html

There are two definitions of autistic, and they have to be differentiated. It's a little bit like deaf versus Deaf...

1. Medically autistic. You fit the criteria for an autism spectrum disorder.
2. Culturally autistic. You have an autistic cognitive style and way of relating to other people.

People can be one, but not the other, though often times they're both. In the case of a BAP or subclinical case you can easily be culturally autistic and relate to people who have a diagnosis better than to NTs, and there are a lot of people like that on WP. It's also possible to be medically but not culturally autistic if you are imitating NT behavior so much that your true cognitive and interpersonal styles are hidden and not being used.