What drives people to pursue romantic love?

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I know I've done a post like this a while back ago, its probably gotten lost in a sea of posts So I decided I'd make another post and see what people say. Besides, it is tedious finding an old post you wrote a long time ago.

The reason I'm writing this post is because I notice a lot of people on this forum are upset about being rejected or ignored romantically, which leads to lowered self esteem and feelings of sadness and loneliness. I certainly sympathize with them, I understand what that's like as well.

But the thing that I have a hard time understanding is how people are willing to cling on to a hope that seems fruitless and futile. I know what I'm saying is somewhat harsh, but I found it bizzare, that against all odds, Aspies are still trying to search for love, despite their lack of success.

What drives people to continue searching for love, when they've beaten down multiple times and continue to be beaten down? How many times does it take someone to be stabbed in the heart emotionally for them to give up? I personally would think that after getting hurt so much, one would try to avoid being hurt by avoiding the stimulus that hurts them. But that's just my opinion.

That's what I'm doing now I'm giving up the pursuit of romantic love. I've tried many avenues to find romantic love, and in the end, I realized it isn't worth the time, money, energy, or effort. Pursuing romantic love, to me, means pain, resentment, and sadness. I personally think romantic love often favors those who need it the least, while simultaneously mocks those who need it the most. I'm not saying this strictly from my own experience, I have guy friends who are "true" nice guys, who get screwed over romantically as well.

Even though I have a negative perception of romantic love, I still want to know why aspies still pursue it. Is it because they believe in this concept of "The One" (geez, now its starting to sound like I'm talking about the Matrix Trilogy or Lord of the Rings )? Is it because they feel it will satisfy their emotional needs in full? Or is it because of some other reason? I'd like to know.

I assume that if I don't try, I would resign to being single for the rest of my life. My conviction is that if I willfully remained single for whatever reason, I would ultimately be no less depressed than if I tried and failed. If I try, I might succeed. Therefore, I try.

Yes, that's why I did. If I remember correctly, it was RIGHT when I decided to give up that I found someone. Haha... And I'm still with that someone, 2 years, 3 months, and about 14 days later. Give or take a few days, since there've been some times when he 'wanted a break'...

If you remember the title, google it along with your username.

To me, it's like playing the lottery, except it pays out better and more often, even in the case of eventual disasters. More than enough to make up for the costs.

But, unlike in playing the lottery, the costs, rewards, and probabilities are all much more subjective. It might not be for you. Your probability of one of the much higher payouts might even go up if you stop playing, unlike with the lottery. Hell, it's really friggin' hard to even define whether or not you're even "playing".

I just try not to worry about it that much. ... Talk about overextending a metaphor.

Friendship without boundaries...

I beginning to think it's as much cultural upbringing/expectation/norms as it is hormones.

That too. Very much so.

Although, there are still boundaries, but they're almost invariably much narrower than in friendships.

Hmmm. To pursue it rather than let it happen if it is destined...

Peer pressure!

Or BS stories about love that look at how fantastically green the field sprayed with fantastically green toxic waste looks. Munch that toxic grass.

Urges from within.

...

Last edited by Asp-Z on 03 Jun 2010, 6:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

I want romantic love because I feel lonely & unaccepted. I want to find a sense of belonging, understanding, friendship ect. The only time in my life that I felt like I was a decent human being was when I had someone who I really cared about & I felt cared about me. It was also the only time in my life when I truly felt happy & capable of expressing myself. I felt I belonged & life made sense to me. The rest of my life I felt like an alien from outer-space who did not belong here. It was amazing how much better things wer when I had someone who actually cared about me & understood me but most importantly; I made her a better person or at least I thought I did for a while

I can't look for it because there's nowhere to look. And I'm not sure I can even feel romantic love.

I definately think that social expectations have alot to do with it. Older people will ask a young single person "so, when are you getting married?" It is taken as the norm to find a mate. It is also genetic, most humans have a tendancy to look for a mate the way most other creatures do. So I guess that all goes toward why I feel expected to look for love, but from a personal point of view I am happier when I believe that I am in love. I like having this person around that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Generaly it doesn't work out and I wonder why I keep doing this. It always ends painfully or rather, never begins, as the other person doesn't see me the same way.

I'm also stubborn. I don't like to be beaten by anything. If other people can manage to cultivate this thing called love, then why can't I? I'm going to do my best and that way I won't feel like I gave up and let the opportunity pass me by. I am aware that I might just keep getting hurt, but that's better than feeling like I gave up, for some reason.

"It's easy to forget what you've learned, waiting for the thrill to return.
Feeling your desire burn, you're drawn to the flame."
Distant Sun - Crowded House

Good question,,,,given the pitfalls and difficulties....I got out of a relationship a yr and a half ago.That felt like such a relief.After killing myself trying to figure out what she wanted or was thinking I couldn't do it anymore.I diagnosed myself only in the last few yrs and combination of realizing my wiring difference later in life and dealing with a relationship was too much.....I love my solitude,but I crave conection at the same time ,and I hope I can find someone that suits me.So my answer is,,,,I have no idea,it's just instinct I guess.

So much of it is social expectation.

I have no interest in a "real relationship" with a woman since the risks and investment are much higher than the payout will ever be.