Accidently provoking men?

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The worst part about discovering aspergers is the uncontrolable desire I have to revisit my past. Things constantly come up that I had previously done a good "forgetting".

I am certain my mom has aspergers as well. She avoided all social gatherings, and women seemed to instantly not like her. She would say that beauty was a curse. Girls were the same with me, so I grew up thinking that I was an outcast because girls were jealous of the way I looked. It made sense to me, because guys were always hitting on me. So I ate lunch alone in the bathroom stall at school thinking people were jealous of me. (the lunch room was the most terrifying place in the world to me back then).

As I got older, I started to poke holes in the "beauty" theory I had always believed. Sure, I am attractive, but I have seen prettier. much prettier. And those girls had friends. But the interesting thing was that they were not getting hit on as much as I was. I am not exaggerating when I say that guys slipped me their numbers atleast 5 times a week.

I pondered why constantly, but could never figure out why.

After learning of Aspergers, it hit me. I analyze and study people. Male or female. Women instantly find this odd. I have issues with small talk because I find that they are simply stating the obvious and find it utterly boring. I end up zoning out and getting lost in my own thoughts, or I tend to over analyze what they are saying and miss what they are really saying all together. OR I try extremly hard to appear engaged that it looks fake. NT women think I am weird.

Men mistake my studying them for interest in them. So they feel comfotable hitting on me.
And they find my quirks adorable(at first) whereas females think it only adds to my weirdness.
To men, if I appear awkward, they assume I must be attracted to them.

I am now married and because of this crazy phenomenon that happens when i make eye contact with men, i simply dont do it any more. which, in turn, makes me appear strange as well.

I have talked to other aspie females who have not had this issue. Those women have told me that they have never been attractive though.

Does this make sense to anyone out there???? Any thoughts or similiar experiences?

I wish I would provoke women.

Ack! I find the same sorts of things...I study both men and women, but it's the men who notice more. I guess sometimes I creep the women out. I've had people come up to me and ask if I have a staring problem.

And I've accidentally attracted men that I wasn't necessarily interested in. I mostly did this as a teenager, via studying them and maybe talking to them -- mostly though, it was responding to them talking to me first. It's happened as an adult too, but not as often anymore in the last few years. I got accused by the aunt who raised me of either being clueless (probably more accurate) or "fast" when I was in high school (if you don't know what "fast" means, it's a term mostly used amongst US blacks that means that you're a little too interested in the opposite gender -- it basically is the next step before being called a slut).

So, I've learned to do my "studying" discreetly, and I try not to talk to men I don't know anymore, even if they talk to me first.

I have/had the same problem (not so much now as I hardly ever leave the house with out my husband or one of the kids). It still happens everytime I'm out alone or with one of my friends. I have learned not only not to stare at men, but to force my body language to be as unaproachable as possible. (I'm also tall and a natural redhead). sometimes I wear hats or glasses,, or bring along my laptop or mp3 player. The main poblem Ive had over the years wasnt guys hitting on me, but actualy being followed. (Ive since taken more then a few classes in self defense). I would say If you have this problem, read up on womens self defense (the practical stuff too like not walking out of the light, check your car, exc..) Its all to easy to attract the wrong kind of guy, even If you are not looking for it. (and its not just an aspie problem, ive had to rescue non aspie friends out of similar situations). I hope it is just a flattering annoyance for you and not something that could lead to a more serious problem.

Everybody thought I was weird. Male and female. Though for some strange reason, the only ones that were tolerant of my weirdness were female. In fact I believed for years that it was impossible for males and females to be friends.

I've NEVER had the problem of men hitting on me. I seem to repel them in some way; I'm not sure what it is. If any guy mistakenly had the idea I was attracted to them, their reaction was more than sufficient to tell me they were not interested in me at all. Though, their reactions were just everyday hostility and so it was par for the course, and nothing out of the ordinary. So yeah, if a guy is mean to me 24/7, I'm not going to be attracted to them let alone show any signs of it knowingly, nor am I going to expect them to suddenly turn around and become interested.

Kiwi, its the same for me now that i only leave the house with my husband or kids. It has definetly slowed down now that I just dont look at guys. But its weird feeling like you cant look at someone. I just know what goes through their minds though. And I feel guys looking at me, which builds up even more anxiety as I try to avoid eye contact.

I have been followed too. Even a few weeks ago, at the store with my 1 year old daughter. Some guy tried talking to me and after I politely avoided him, he followed me around the store. It was scary. I wonder what makes certain women suseptible to this type of attention. I havent experienced this situation in a very long time.

I couldnt do a self defense class, but i think a can of mace might be a good idea.

Shebakoby-I wish females were tolerant of my oddities. It seemed to make me a target for them as a teenager. guys still thought i was strange, but i think they mistaked it for the odd behavior people exhibit when they are attracted to someone. And bc i was attracive, they could care less how strange i appeared. But after a short period of time, they would realize that that was just how I was, and would lose interest. (and also become as mean as the females always were)

Nick_Raven, it was definetly more of a problem when i was younger. Probably because I was gullible and the attention felt good in comparison to the mean things females would do. As I grew up, I realized the attention was not positive, and it made me cringe.

That sound like an interesting & wonderful epiphany ! I have the opposite problem as in b/c I never look at people, I can't tell if people find me attractive at all. (My parents had to tell me an aspie guy was checking me out for like 3 hrs. at an autism conference at dinner that night ). But as I don't have someone with me to monitor it constantly I never recognize it.

Peko, thanks! It really is amazing to realize these things. I find it very interesting to hear the similarities and differences within this community.

I try to be very careful, not to provoke men. I'm allergic to male attention.

i like that, allergic to male attention

Shebakoby, very interesting. I think that this proves that many factors contribute to an outcome. I can only speak confidently from my own experiences.

yes, this is exactly what i've been going through.
NT girls end up disliking me almost instantaneously and (i don't know what i'm doing wrong) but i walk away feeling like some man who's been pestering them. i feel socially unfeminine.

and yes, my mom even has difficulty making friends... i kind of doubt my mom is an aspie; she probably just has traits. when i watch her mingle with other adults her age, i notice that she seems to have an inferiority/grandiosity complex. she laughs uproariously at things that aren't funny or meant to be funny, she treats everyone like they're children or stupid (maybe a little lack of theory of mind here) and she actually never has anything interesting or intelligent to say. she actually never goes beyond smalltalk in conversations. "oh man is it raining today! ha ha ha!" so she's just kind of seen as a senile babying grandma type and nobody takes her seriously.

anyway, yes. almost every man i talk to thinks i'm interested in them because i try so hard to seem friendly. i smile a lot and make eye contact and men take it as flirting. i also try hard to be empathetic and understanding so when i show interest in what theyre talking about, they think "oh, this one's a chipper... i wonder how hard it would be to take her home with me tonight. probably not very"

it puzzled me for a while... i couldn't figure out why girls hated me and men couldn't leave me alone. i also thought it was because i'm "attractive" but it's obviously because of the way i interact.

and maybe this sounds like horrible advice but maybe it's better to come across as unemotional and uninterested by just being yourself than acting engaged (at least thats what i've learned)
i've had more luck making friends this way.

Mace is a good Idea. although pepper spray works better, on both men and dogs (for some reason dogs follow me too.) You could always try just being exta weird. worked wonders for me when I had to take the bus in the city. I fashioned my own tin foil hat to house my earbuds and talked to myself and rocked on purpose while listening to music. no one ever talked to me on the bus. lol. You dont need to take a selfdefense class although they help. basic things like not going anywhere with anyone you just met, staying in the light, and paying attention to your surroundings work well. If you have to go somewhere where you feel uncomfortable bring a friend (or If you dont have a friend to bring, just act like you are best friends with an athority figure, that usualy will get rid of anyone who wants to be a problem. and If that doesnt work..just tell them to back off.

as far as being able to tell if someone thinks your attractive or not. I cant pick up on flirting, so I just ask. lol. I met my husband through some friends at a club (eek, I know but I was desperate and I knew the DJ). I caught him staring me in the eyes when I looked over, so I walked over there and asked him why. we ended up being best friends after that. (and still are after 10 years).

After years of getting all the "signals" wrong, I just gave up and started asking people what they meant by stuff. Its been very informative. and Ive managed to keep a really close group of friends I dont have to "pretend" around, because they knew I was blunt and sometimes offensive from the start. lol. (but I'm nice too)