How to get over and move on after the BIG meltdowns occur?

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My daughter(7) has frequent minor/moderate meltdowns. I deal with them, can find a way to learn from them sometimes. However, about once per year she has a "life altering meltdown"-I don't know how to describe it-just a meltdown so much more severe than the "normal" ones. She can become violent, aggressive, abusive, crazy eyed and usually these end up in some terrible result. Someone gets hurt, or she hurts herself, or damages property. These episodes are so horrific to me, I just do not know how to move on after they occur. I find it so hard to relate with her afterwards and she usually recoils into self isolation and does not seem herself. This can go on for weeks or even longer. Eventually, she does ask for comfort or accepts my offerings of comfort and we slowly return to "normal".

I become depressed and feel hopeless after these meltdowns. So I am wondering, what does everyone else do? How can I not be blindsided by these occurrences?

Thanks.

Well, not being a father, but reading up, meltdowns happens when we get, literally, too much information. We cant filter it out, then we become stressed, which leads to either a shutdown (preferred since no one/nothing gets hurt/damaged) or if that cant be done . . . the dreaded meltdown (high state of distress and no real way to cope . . . pretty much loss of control). To avoid meltdowns, present stuff in such a way that its not overly stressful. If she starts to feel overwhelmed, ask to see if she wants to go somewhere quieter/safer (in her mind) so she can wind down a bit. If a meltdown does happen, make sure to get her to a "safe zone" and keep an eye on her to make sure she doesnt hurt herself. Dont try to offer immediate physical comfort because touch sensory could be out of whack and make the post-meltdown trauma linger longer (fyi, by sensory, that usually means that our 5 senses are taking in more information than they should, and it is usually an overwhelming factor in our lives). Find out what she's sensitive to, and what sets off/builds up on her meltdowns, and you should have a general idea of what to keep an eye out for. Good luck .

This is something that I posted about my own meltdowns on another thread, actually it was a thread that PlatedDrake started. Dont know if it will help but here you go.

Mine are like a volcano....It builds and builds until it explodes. I tend to bury things (not consciously) and then they come out when something little happens. It appears as though I overreact, which is what I have been accused of most of my life until we understood what was happening. When things happen that typical people would react to I usually shut down and feel nothing....this can happen over and over and then one day "snap" probably set off by something sensory. I typically have a drastic change in my personality before I explode...kind of like a PMS thing, very easily agitated...its then that I will usually take my valium because my meltdowns are ugly and I usually throw furniture and or break things so that is not healthy for my kids, its better to slow it down. I have never leveled my anger or meltdowns at anyone as an adult, I could never hurt anyone no matter how angry I get.....well, certianly if someone was hurting my kids, I could. Now if I could just learn to express emotion instead of burying it...I am getting better but if its not there than its not there. Sometimes If I talk about things I can sort of find my emotion, and other times I just dont know what to feel.
I also have small meltdowns when I get sensory overload but they are not as bad. I usually slam doors or stomp around or just yell. My sensory meltdowns were much worse when I was a child. My Mom remembers a time when she had to throw a glass of water on me because she said she thought I was never going to stop. She said I immediately stopped and looked up at her like I didnt know who she was for a second and then started crying. She said it was almost like I wasnt there when I was like that, like I was having a seizure or something. Im glad my Autistic kids arent as bad as I was but then again maybe its because I am aware of their sensory needs.
My oldest son who is bi polar had meltdowns and I had to sit on him sometimes to keep him from hurting anyone or running away.

The almost seizure thing really strikes a chord with me, because when I do end up going into a seizure there is a sensory stimulus usually a sound or an excess of sources of sounds. And my biggest meltdowns happened when I was a child and had some sound messing with me while I was trying to focus on something. Ive found that taking a shower calms my brain down considerably but moving water is something that comforts me, it kind of drowns out all the other sounds. I would check and see what is going on when she has her meltdown so you can know what sensory triggers are there. I can say that when I do have big meltdowns i feel like its the same as losing control of myself and I normally end up doing something I regret, which ends up making me sit and stew about that for a good while afterward (pretty much getting angry at myself for losing control).

My first thought was also "seizure." Grand mal seizures can lead to disorientation and personality changes and can take a long time to recover from. I think you should have her evaluated for epilepsy and other seizure disorders just to be sure. Those more serious melt downs sounds like something more significant.

If she were having a Grand Mal it would be more obvious....she would loose consciousness and typically bowel or bladder control. Also after a Grand Mal seizure you will be very sleepy and disoriented...usually sleep for several hours. There are a lot of other types of seizures that many people arent aware of. I had auditory seizures when I was a child. I would be some what conscious and I would hear a man and a womans voice speaking very fast, it was very frightening. It stopped in my teens and I have never had any other type of seizures. I do remember my meltdowns as a child and it was more like something I had to get out of me.
However I would still look into the seizure theory because, as I said, there are many types of seizures.

I don't have any answers, but I can tell you that a weighted blanket helps me a lot. It still amazes me, I can be totally unconnected to my surroundings, shaking all over, screaming - and if I can get myself under that weighted blanket - it stops. Immediately. Just like that.

I buy mine here:

Dream Catcher Weighted Blankets

My big meltdowns come in the form of 15 minute crying jigs. It's even more frustrating when my friends just stand there, with expression less faces, staring at me. I think they're both aspies, as well, to tell you the truth. I'll have to ask them to comfort me, next time it happens. I had a honking episode, yesterday evening, at Wal-Mart, when I've left my silver handbag somewhere and I couldn't find it. My keys, drum sticks and Depends were in that bag. Most people would be worried about their keys, or if they need it, their protection. I was worried about my drum sticks, which are my comfort objects. I'm getting teary eyed, just reading what I've typed towards the end. I'll find another thread to move on to.

Well, there isn't much you can do except try to figure out what went wrong so you can prevent it again in the future. Your daughter doesn't enjoy these meltdowns any more then you do, so should be very interested in finding a solution and avoiding meltdowns.

Other then that, just let your daughter be by herself for a while, when you get that overloaded it takes a good bit of time to reset the system. There isn't much you can do to speed up the recuperating process. A broken bone takes several weeks to heal, no matter how much you wish it would go faster. Attempting to make the bone heal faster with any sort of exercise or therapy is just going to make it worse. Recovering from severe meltdowns is the same way. Just leave her be and let her reset her system, trying to interfere and speed up the process is only going to make it more difficult.

I know that I'm eventually going to have to go back inside Wal-Mart on Wednesday, because there's a McDonald's that my litter crew likes to have coffee and breakfast at, after our 2 hour shift, inside that store. I'll act cool, calm and collected, like nothing happened.

She has been evaluated by a pediatric neurologist. They didn't seem to think there was a seizure problem.

I do keep constant diligent awareness of her overload. We rarely go out and I immediately leave any situation where she seems to ramp up. She has definite "ramping up" behavior that I can clue in to such as counting, pulling out her eyelashes, and other compulsive behavior. These severe meltdowns seem to come out of no where. They may be accummulated stress induced. They may be chemical imbalance in some way. Her Dev Pedi suggested to watch it closely for signs that it may be bi-polar, but there is no cycling with her from what I can tell. 99% of the time her minor meltdowns are sensory induced (loud noises, bumping, car sickness, or sometimes bright lighting). I am trying to get in tune to when the major episodes occur but they really blindside me. These severe episodes seem to be "fight or flight" and she really will try to harm anyone who comes near her. She has no concept of decorum during these episodes and may scream things and do things she would never do in her usual frame of mind.

My daughter saw a commercial about Cymbalta (or some anti depressant) on tv and asked me if I could get her some. This makes me think she has awareness about how depressed she is over her lack of control over her issues. She is only seven but she is just now becoming aware of her difficulties. She asked me what Asperger's was (as she heard the Dr talking about it).

Anyway, I let her get over them in her own time. My problem is getting over the trauma of them myself. It is so hard to "return to normal" when she is despondent and my thoughts are filled with whether or not she will ever be able to live an independent life with these overwhelming, uncontrollable outburts. She is becoming more and more introverted and reclusive and I am worried about losing her mentally in the times when these episodes send her into complete shutdown.

Well, it seems as though now is an excellent time to talk with your daughter about Asperger's Syndrome and explain what it all means. I would also talk with her about things like stress, how to handle it, etc. As you said, these meltdowns seem to blindside you, but your daughter can feel them coming long before you can. If she is going to prevent them she will have to be the one to recognize the signs and learn how to deal with it.

P.S. Did you finish the book, and if so would you like an up to date version?

Tracker, I am almost done and would love an updated version, thank you.

Do you have any suggestions about how to explain Asperger's in a child friendly way? She knows she goes to OT and she knows she is treated differently in school but I want to put it in a positive way focused on her gifts as well as explianing the difficulties.

I know she is smart enough to know if I evade the subject. She asks a million questions so I guess I have "put it off" in fear of all the questions. Right now she's fascinated with the oil spill and spends her time trying to figure out a method of capping it and watching the live video feed. I hear a million questions about the dynamics of the spill, etc. I need to be able to answer what questions she might have if I open up the discussion on Asperger's. I don't want her to feel she is "disabled" or have the label affect her own self confidence.

What's important in the discussion is your attitude. Even if your daughter isn't very good at picking up social cues, she may understand some of them, or she may absorb the overall "feel" of things (I may not be able to describe it, but I often "catch" the other person's emotional state... strange but I think it's another sensitivity thing).

I was diagnosed in college, so the explanation to me was always very academic, but that's also how I need to examine things in order to understand. Use whatever methods she responds to best. If she's very visual, for example, a book might be helpful.

Usually, I'm the one explaining my autism to other people, including a LOT of people who are completely clueless. I work at a summer camp where the campers are all teenage girls. Sometimes they ask me why I react differently to things, or why I do things a certain way. I don't usually tell them I'm aspie, just out of a certain professional boundary, but the rest of the explanation might be helpful to your discussion with your daughter...

I usually explain that I'm super sensitive to things like light and sound. While that means that a lot of loud noise can be overwhelming for me, and that a lot of people talking at the same time makes it hard for me to understand, it also means that I can hear stuff that other people can't, which is pretty cool. I also often have to explain that I don't pick up on subtlety or tone of voice very well. Likewise, I don't use subtlety or sarcasm much myself, but that's okay, because people always know I'm being honest. Those are things that directly come up with them, so those are the things I address. Important things here? Focusing on what actually affects them, being frank about the bad and the good, and doing it at an appropriate level for their age and development.

My brain works a bit differently from other people's. Sometimes it's not fun, sometimes it's cool, and sometimes it doesn't matter much. It's perfectly normal... for me. Different is just different; different is not bad.

I have a map analogy as well, though it requires a certain level of understanding. It may or may not be useful for your daughter, but you might appreciate it. When you look at a map, you see that there are a lot of different ways to get from point A to point B. There's probably a certain route or two that most people take. My autism means that I take a less common route. I still get to point B, but I get there differently, sometimes it takes a different amount of time than the usual route(s), and a lot of times, it means that I approach it from a different perspective. Not wrong, just different, and though I miss some things, I can see other things that most people will miss. (Typical aspie, making a very visual, literal analogy based on a special interest LOL)

I've had to deal with big meltdowns, and through the hard way I learned: (1) these things are completely out of your control, and the harder you try to control things the worse they get and the longer they last. (2) the best way to deal with the big ones is to quiet your voice as low as possible and give your child as much time and space as they need, eventually they'll come around. (3) there is nothing you can do.

Good luck!

This is true. At least, it's true of me. Do you want to know how to attract lots of people? Yell "Get away from me!" What's wrong with people anyway? Why does that attract them? Anyway, I don't use it during my own meltdowns any more. But that is definitely what to do, get away from me. And send away all the "helpful" people.

I once had a panic attack in a hospital and I told the nurse and she took me to a small room where I was completely alone. There was a sofa and a blanket and pillow. She said "Nobody will disturb you here, I will be back in 5 minutes." And she went out and shut the door behind her. What a blessed relief! When she came back she brought me a glass of boiled water to drink carefully (it took up my attention, thereby lessening the attack somewhat).

You're not talking about panic attacks, I know, but it seems to me that if you were to watch for "solitary spaces" wherever you go, it might be useful?

The bottom line is that there is really nothing that you can do, not to the point of taking responsibility. It's beyond your control altogether. You can offer, but you can't control.

Has this already been said: you could ask the child what they would like you to do? Also maybe devise a system of signals, such as tugging your sleeve, to indicate mild triggers. I believe huge meltdowns are made of mild triggers that are ignored. Talk these things over and put together a "trigger kit" - earplugs, dark glasses (in my case, blinders). Explore triggers - flickering lights are common and devastating.

I'd better stop rambling!