The "kids" issue, your take

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The good relationships I have had or the potentially good ones were either ended or never began due to the subject of kids. In social situations, it can also be problematic as most people in my age group have them and cannot understand why I refuse to. I do not hate children by any means but will avoid being around them for too long of periods. This is especially the case around small children and is largely because their loud noises and erratic running can become irritating and emotionally draining. Ones who are a little bit older and act more like young adults are very tolerable.
I chose not to have my own nor will I become involved with a man that has small children. I know myself well enough to not put myself in that situation, but also respect the fact that when someone is seriously involved with another, it is only fair to accept the children as part of a relationship. Therefore I do not waste their time or mine so they are left available to find someone that will accept their children. In situations where the kids are off to college, independant, and not constantly around, no problem . ANother reason I do not want my own is if there truly is a genetic connection, as evidence of late is pointing to the strong possibility of that, I do not want to knowingly bring a child into the world that has a strong probability of "being like me," as in having to go through the hardships and social struggles, etc.
Questions: -Although I have my right to personal choice, would you say that I am being reasonable or unreasonable?
-Is there anyone out there that feels the same?
-What is a nice way to politely bow out of a situation on the rare occasion of an invite to a setting where children
will be present and you know you will get irritated but cannot easily escape? For example, being invited to
someones home who has too many small kids around.
P/S Please excuse typos...haven't found thespell check option yet!

Hello, I feel exactly the same way. I get tired very easily so knew years before I even found out about aspergers that I wouldn't be able to have children. I just can't cope with it. What you have written here has made me realise why I don't really like being around children as well. It isn't so much that I don't like them, but they are noisy and alwyas moving around and drain me.

I am worried about the possible genetic link as well. Most of my family have aspie traits and problems interacting with people. This is either genetic or learned behaviour (I don't mean AS is learned, I mean that I could't learn good social skills from my parents or aunts, uncles, cousins or grandparents because they don't have good social skills). Either way, I think my offspring would be affected and I can't take that chance. My Mother has worse social skills than me and terrible meltdowns. I've spent the past 28 years dealing with that and I seem to have turned into the carer rather than the child. If I had a child like my Mother I would have 2 of them to look after and I don't think I can handle that.

No, I wouldn't get involved with a chap that wants children. Although, I do think that I would have a relationship with a man who has kids because then my genetics wouldn't have been passed on to them. I say this because I was madly in love with someone once. We both agreed that we didn't want children. However, things didn't work out and he is now living with a woman who has her own children from a previous relationship and he is very happy. I think that it added a dimension to his life that he never thought he would find. I'm slightly annoyed that he now has guilt free children (ie he didn't have to pass on his genetics to get kids). So I wouldn't rule out a man with children, it might actually be a good thing.

Oh WOW!! !!

And you're DIAGNOSED????

If you were a MAN, I'd have SWORN that I'd written it myself!

I feel the same way, and I've had people (especially at work) tell me that I'm SO selfish for not wanting kids and that makes me a HORRIBLE, MORALLY REPUGNANT PERSON for being that way. It's amazing that people actually discriminate against you for it and say behind closed doors that you have no need for promotion because...you only have you to take care of.

I wrote in another thread that I have a friend whose kids I absolutely ADORE! But they are older (they were cute a few years ago, too...and not too rambunctious). But yes, the loud noises and erratic running are extremely draining. I literally have to zone out and ignore them to keep from going completely BATTY! Unfortunately, where I work, I am exposed to people bringing their kids with them and having to put up with it all.

Even with older kids, I'm selective.

But yeah...if I were to get into a relationship, she REALLY couldn't have kids like that. And as I get older, that becomes less and less likely. I really don't like the idea of being in a "relationship," either. That's another story, though.

Although I like children and I am not so bothered by them, I don't want my own for somewhat similar reasons. I hope you find a like minded men - in my experience they're not so rare as it might seem.

I've had a few raised eyebrows and comments over this choice, but people are rarely openly rude about it - in which case I have no problem pointing they should mind their own business.

Funny as the desire to breed appears to me as one of the most selfish impulses people have. That doesn't give me the right to go around insulting others based on what they do with their own lives. I don't know where you live, but I'm taken aback that it seems to be acceptable for your colleagues to be so openly judgemental and rude to you. Me thinks you shouldn't put up with it.

I totally get what you are saying, I don't hate kids but I couldn't handle having them around. I couldn't deal with the noise, the smells and I have a vomit phobia so kids are not for me.

I used to have the opinion that I would never want children, but I had an existential crisis when I was sixteen which led me to turn around on the matter. However, I selfishly considered that I wanted to have my own children, and so I'm not so sure whether I would be as satisfied raising another person's children. Also, at my age I don't feel capable of raising a child. I would have to be in my thirties.

I actually can't wait to have kids. But then again, if it weren't for the fact that I don't own a home or anything, and a really long term relationship, I would. Maybe in a few years.

[quote="Surreal"]Oh WOW!! !!

"I feel the same way, and I've had people (especially at work) tell me that I'm SO selfish for not wanting kids and that makes me a HORRIBLE, MORALLY REPUGNANT PERSON for being that way. It's amazing that people actually discriminate against you"

To answer your question, yes, I was diagnosed as High Functioning Autism (HFA) over 30 years ago, way before there was a term for AS. I too have been told I was selfish and had replied (although it came out a bit rudely through the tone of my voice) "What is more selfish, having children when I do not want to because society says I should?" The conversation had ended rather abruptly after that. However, if someone asks politely or is just plain curious without rude intent, I use the excuse that I am too focused in my career and that I barely have time to take care of pets let alone support and raise a child.
I would never tell anyone around that is not immediate family or in my shoes the complete truth about my medical history though to protect my privacy to avoid adding fuel to the fire for gossip.

I don't think it's unreasonable.

I would never date someone with small or Primary/intermediate age children either. People with children think this is unreasonable because it lowers their dating pool, but I don't think so.

Very unlikely that I will ever have children, because life simply is hard enough with just me and my own problems, I even struggle with the pressures of relationships.

I do want kids, but I would like to get a few other personal accomplishments out of the way first.

Dad waited until he was 40, and I'm in no race to show him up. I have serious misgivings about raising another mans offspring so will not date single mothers (nor leave any behind in my own tracks).

Depending on your age, you could be totally norms (you match where I am in life regardless)

iPad here so no spell checking either

I've heard lots of people including Dr.Phill think it's not a good idea for guys to get involved with women who already have kids. The guy coming in is NOT the kids "real" dad & it is always brought up when there is a conflict in parenting either with the real dad or the mom.
I personally would not get involved with anyone who has kids because I have so many problems; I am NOT fit to be raiseing kids. Only way I would consider kids is if I was with someone & something happened like she got pregnant or she has a sister who has kids & something happened to her sis; I would not bail but I do not plan on having kids. What I find confusing is that the only women online who seem interested in me do not have kids but they tell me they want kids & when I tell em that I do not want kids; they get very ticked off with me. I cant figure out why women would plan the kids before they find a partner. Some of those women seem very dependent or they are unemployed or on disability so I kind of suspect that they want to trap a guy

Thank you so much for the comment and the support!

Unfortunately, it seems that there is precious little that can be done when people on your job don't like you because you refuse to get into another relationship, get married, or have kids...and they think you're selfish. It does NOT violate the US anti-discrimination laws. And we do not have any anti-bullying laws that would help, either. Then, even if we DID have such laws, proving that this is the case would be difficult because, quite naturally, the people involved will simply deny doing anything like that and claim that I am the one who is starting trouble.

No use getting others involved wither as they don't want to face possible repercussions for whistleblowing.

The best I can do is what I've done which has involved initiating work on a Twelve Step website for those who have endured bullying and abuse in the workplace. I will not list it here because I'm not sure of the rules of this forum regarding listing outside websites and forms of advertising.

nick007 wrote:


Neither am I fit to be raising kids. My own father once said of me that my nerves seem to be SHOT! And yet you have these intrusive idiots insisting that I should want to!

And yes...there are even women who hold down jobs/careers who are desparate to "TRAP" a guy in a relationship because they are so needy and they base their worth on whether or not they have someone. Others want men they can treat as children or projects..."Let Me Upgrade U" Beyonce-style. I appear uncaring because those needs are no concern of mine.

hale_bopp wrote:


I struggle, too. This is why I no longer choose to pursue one. Somebody on my job has even claimed that she has a RIGHT to know whether someone is in a relationship or sexually active just to know that there's "nothing wrong" with him or her. GO figure! I told her that in this day and age, people need to mind their own d&mned business!

I understand why it might not be considered discrimination, but telling you you're "horrible and morally repugnant" is definitely unacceptable. If you don't want to speak to HR, than maybe you could just tell people the subject is personal and you don't want to discuss it. I usually just say I don't appreciate people volunteering opinions about things that are none of their concern. They tend to get embarrassed when they realise they crossed the line, but can't complain because I'm polite and calm about it. Of course they won't don't like it, but might back off if you stand up to them in a non-aggressive manner.

Good luck!

^^^^

Thanks.

You are a reminder of all that is great about WrongPlanet!

To borrow a phrase...The Ultimate Weapon for the Discovering Aspie is Another Discovering Aspie!

meh, I definitely don't want to be taking care of someone else's kids. But not merely because I think I am not really fit for it. The family dynamic of unrelated children can be a serious problem. If the kids don't like you, you're screwed. And forcing the way in when kids don't like the person can be disastrous (and some selfish people do this to the detriment of their children).

But it's not only that. Kids means an EX. Either ex-'friend' or ex-spouse. And you'd have to deal with THAT person on a regular basis and that almost never, in what I've seen, EVER turns out well.