Is he an Aspie husband or 'just being a man'????

Post Reply New Topic

Hi, I posted this in another section as a result of getting lost after signing up. Hope I'm in the right place now.

I consider myself an NT wife, although I do take anti-depressants, of an AS. Trying to get a handle on how to communicate well with my husband...undiagnosed AS. Our marriage of 10 years is going downhill and I need help understanding what is happening. DH was married for 29 years with two now grown daughters. His wife died of cancer, and had always had problems with fibromyalgia, and asthma. It is my 3rd marriage, and at age 61 now, had always thought it would be my last, in that I had/have committed myself to make it work. I have 3 grown children, 2 daughters, 1 son. Between us we have 5 grandchildren.

The reason I think my DH has AS is based on several observations/thoughts:

1) His nephew has it...whether diagnosed or not I do not know as my DH's family is very non-communicative. Reluctance to make eye contact, very self oriented, very intelligent, 35+ years old now and still lives at home with his single mother and can't seem to find work. He is really into weird things and per my kids he has numerous fake id's on Facebook with really crazy names...like some thing out of a sci-fi comic book or movie. I could go on and on about him but he is not the reason I'm here.

2) My DH is extremely intelligent, graduate degrees, and even an 'almost' PHD in aeronautical engineering from Auburn University. Per his story the professor in charge of it way back then didn't want him to quit some experiments they were in the process of doing, and wouldn't sign off on his PHD degree. He had been there longer than usual because of this, had gotten married, and wanted to start a family so needed to move on with life. That of course wouldn't make him an AS, just wanted to establish that he is high level functioning.
He never worked in his chosen fields of Physics are AE, as he went to work for his dad as a mechanical engineer, even taught ME at college level part-time.

3) He admits to being awkward in social settings. I think one reason he married me was because I have/had a lot of friends and an active social life--he has confirmed that,.

4) Obsession: He has become obsessed with nudity--as in he goes naked around the house immediately upon entrance, and just has to go to a nudist resort 1-1/2 hr from our home every weekend weather permitting. Not so bad if he didn't expect me to do the same thing, and I am so not in agreement! He wasn't obsessed with this during his 1st marriage, he discovered nude resorts after his wife died. The people he met were so friendly and seemingly caring that it made a very deep impression on him. He did NOT inform me of this need prior to our marriage.

5) When I try to just talk to him about anything that he doesn't agree with he gets upset, clams up, and leaves the room. If I am successful in keeping him in the room it is like talking to a brick wall. He is not capable of comprehending how I feel, or anyone else. And he doesn't really care what other people think of him. BTW he is 300+ lbs., mostly in belly, diabetic type 2, high bp, uses sleep apnea machine at my insistence, now showing symptoms of asthma, impotent.

6) It seems like everything I have read online about Asperger's Syndrome applies to him. His hobby, lack of wanting to talk things out, and so many other things point to AS it seems.

DH's dad had started a company a long time ago with a partner, and eventually my DH and the other partners son inherited it when their fathers retired. There were serious disagreements between my DH and the other partner. They finally sold the company and both still worked there (mechanical engineering). Shortly the other partner quit, and DH stayed and is still there. He is 64 going on 65 soon, but hopes to be kept on to work. I say all this to show that he has learned how to be sociable in a work place. Even in sales.

When I confided all this, and my confusion and being upset, to my sister she says she thinks he's "just being a man". Could it be that and not Asperger's? She knows nothing of AS, and of course 'm no expert either.

There are many other things I could go into, but won't right now.

Can anyone help me to know if I am on the right track or not? And how to deal with it? There are soooo many posts I don't know where to start. I feel that my most immediate need is to know how to communicate with him in a way to which he will respond.

Thanks for letting me vent. Any advice is welcomed!!

This isn't necessarily an AS thing. A lot of men deal with problems this way. I'm not sure why. People with AS aren't the self centered empathy lacking narcissists that a lot of NT people seem to think. The problem with people with AS, is often times, we can't identify that we are in a situation where we should express empathy because the nature of the situation is not communicated effectively to us.

But this happens a lot between individuals in a relationship regardless of whether or not one of them has AS. I hypothesize that humans in general are less likely to take the complaints of those closest to them seriously because of an underlying sense that the person will always forgive them due to elements in relationships suggestive of loyalty and no real harm.

I suggest you and your husband seek marital counseling to provide a control environment for the both of you to address these issues in.

I agree, based on the information it doesn't seem like AS.

And this this this.

I do not think he is in even "just being a man". Just unreasonable and thoughtless.

Aspie? Maybe, I am not sure. The reason I say this is the nudity thing, I would find it surprising if an aspie wanted to do this.

Vanilla_Slice

Being naked and frequenting a nudist resort does not sound like typical AS behavior.

He may or may not have AS, but the important point is whether or not you are happy in this relationship.

It sounds like you intended for this to be your last marriage, and that if you can prove your husband has

has AS, then you will assign all of his "bad" behavior to the AS and stay.

I advise you to look within yourself and decide what you really want.

Thanks for your comments.

I think the nudity thing is an obsession..he is obsessed with it...and from what I've read it's common for Aspies to have some kind of obsession. He discovered it after his wife of 29 years died, he was depressed, went camping alone, and came across a nudist resort and decided to check it out. The people there were so friendly and seemingly caring that it made a deep impression on him. I think that's why he stayed with it. At those places no one cares who you are, what you do, how you look, whatever, which is appealing to him. He feels like he fits in.

He does have a hobby which requires a great deal of patience and detail, ammunition reloading, and goes off into his own 'cave' and spends hours doing that.

Yes, I do hope this is my last marriage. I do not want to be single again. It's just coping with these behaviors that gets me down and causes conflict, which neither of us likes. I suppose I am trying to rationalize that if he has Asperger's then he can't help it and I should try harder and stick with it. He is a good man. Very ethical.

Something else I have not mentioned is how he is such a hoarder, which is supposed to be one of the characteristics of Aspies. He has his routines and hates to vary them. He goes to the grocery store every Sunday afternoon and buys at least quadruple of everything. Our pantry and freezer is stocked to overflowing. I have to go thru it and throw away out-dated stuff or stale things. His mother is like that, too.

And he has habits that he just cannot change, like the use of handkerchiefs instead of tissues. He says he was taught that a gentleman uses handkerchiefs, and absolutely refuses to use tissues. This is not very healthy when you have chronic sinus problems and colds. Even with his scientific educational background, he cannot understand how hankies keep germs on them as well as spread germs. I've tried to explain it simply to him, but he will not change. I now refuse to handle them..he has to wash, dry and fold his hankies himself.

Whether he has Aspies or not I will have to do the changing, it seems. I do not have a job, gave up my career when I married him and now too old to get it back, so no income of my own.

Thanks for letting me participate in the forum.