...as opposed to WHY?! !
I am Merculangelo, child of the gods Mercury and Michaelangelo.
Age 20.
I am in the process (the next couple weeks) of being given a more certain diagnosis/placement on the Autistic spectrum. Reading about it has been a several week series of lightbulbs turned on; it pulls together just about every unexplained ailment and difficulty I've ever had (which is a good number, making it yet more convincig). I continue to have partial seizures, significant difficulty with sensory processing (sound is particularly painful), stuttering and difficulty with articulation/mouth control, gastrointestinal disturbances, anxiety out the wazoo, restlessness, and almost complete lack of interest in people/relationships and in reading or doing anything but "my calling" (often called "obsession"). I've changed schools a lot and finally left college almost a year ago. I want to try and get back in school this fall.
I saw a psychologist about the suspicion I might be somewhere on the Autistic Spectrum just over a month ago. It was a pretty snappy thing and the more I think about the more I think this guy doesn't really get what's going on / does_not_care. I'm not too great in conversation about these things that have been the most crazy affecting, personal, painful issues in my life and even forgot to tell him about the seizures. I thought i'd be getting some kind of diagnosis, but it turned out he was just a psychiatrist and doesn't have that power. But he says, "We treat the symptoms of Aspergers and Autism, not the conditions themselves." And I guess during that short meeting we decided my biggest difficulty was concentration, since I said I "couldn't read" (which, now that I analyze it, I don't think is true...I think my field of study is just 90% hands on, so there is not a lot of reading that I find relevant to it). But if I want to go back to school, I'll end up having to read things i'm not interested in, so he says, maybe if it's "easier to read" then it won't be as painful to read these useless things that I'll forget the day after needing to impress a teacher for a grade that "reflects my effort" for a course that will eventually help me get a degree that won't be useful until I boost it with a masters degree, and then is only useful for *teaching the study...*sigh*)
At any rate, he wrote me a prescription for 10mg of Adderall, saying I could choose whether or not to use it. I was kind of depressed that week from a number of things (a good number of interpersonal situations that revealed my naivete and sensitivity to other people's stress/sorrow, to add to the normal issues listed at beginning of post), and was down enough to want something to bring me out of the shadows. Tired of trying to handle all these difficulties with what I am learning is a legitimate brain difference, not something that is a weakness or laziness I need to buck up and get passed.
First month was quite successful. I made some major changes that I don't think I would have been able to make otherwise (went GFCF low caffeine/sugar, moved away from troublesome relationships, started getting real exercise almost every day, quit a job that was taking time away from "my calling," and really began working on said calling for extended periods of time and with a calculated steadiness I have never been able to manage).
Went to this psychiatrist last week and he was pleased with my changes. But, I said, I've tried and am still not interested in reading or doing anything that doesn't have to do with ______. He brought up the same argument as before, i.e. that if it's easier to read, it won't be as painful to read things I'm not interested in. I hadn't been aware of how it would steady me out in my personal work so well, I hadn't seen any negative effects, my family thought things were going better, and I was curious to see what it might do for me at 20mg.
This is the end of my first week on 20mg and could maybe have been the most painful week I've had in 7 or 8 months. I've been wearing ear protection, combo ear plugs and muffs, almost 24/7 (just more and more often over the past couple months, but particularly this week). Haven't been outside as much because its HOT, and BRIGHT, and I get over heated because I wear pants and long sleeves to keep my skin from burning/itching. Have become visually over-stimulated a number of times this week. Olfactory sensitivity. More trouble sleeping. More partial siezures (squirmy lights, spacing, etc.). More difficulty controlling my mouth/talking. More stomach upsets and GI disturbance. And probably as a result of everything, Tired more often (mostly in aftrnoon-evening...I think when the Adderall is wearing off). I think, also, I have worked almost 1/2 as much this week (could be distraction of new computer).
Now, this really does not reflect well on this drug, at least at 20mg. But there are other STRESS factors this week that could explain these experiences, including my birthday, two family members falling quite unusually ill (one whom I heavily rely on for support), increased noise in house, and my cat being particularly disruptive during the nights. I could be exacerbating my hearing sensitivity by over-protection. And an initial sleep disruption from upping the dosage could have set me into a series of low-sleep nights that increased anxiety, fatigue, etc. and made all these problems worse.
In a week and a half i'm seeing a well reputed Autism specialist. My thinking is, I don't want to go in for an exam as a me that is skewed by Adderall. I've read some things that suggest sensory perception problems are often "misdiagnosed" as ADD/ADHD, and what should be treated by things like Sound Therapy and other more hands on, experiental techniques, and methods of B6/magnesium replenishing, are being "treated" with prescription synthetic drugs like Adderall.
I have my new diet down pretty well. I have a good number of food options in my kitchen. I have a list of things to do. So I'm going to follow my gut impulse and scantily-data-ized-reason (which I have regretted not doing in the past more often than I have regretted doing) and stop taking it. This is day one. Three hours into the day and so far am A O K but for a tad of nausea and one short moment of wanting to throw a chair (passed very quickly and had such feelings on Adderall anyway).
ANYHOO
Despite all this, I am beginning a Sunday morning of work with my cat stretched out at my feet and my beautiful tools arranged for the ease and joy of utilization and only a tablespoon or so of anxious dread in the pit of my stomach.
This is the trumpet blare for my entrAnce to the forum. My apologies for the schpeeeel.
27 Jun 2010, 12:59 pm
To WrongPlanet!! !
