Lesbian aspies

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Being an aspie makes being a lesbian even more complicated. Do other lesbians find that to be true, as well?

Last edited by GumbyLives on 01 Jul 2010, 8:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'm more bi than lesbian, but I can definitely see the difficulty. Physically, I'm Way More attracted to women, but relationally, I'm totally terrified of them. They're like these strange weird creatures that I don't understand. Guys are easy. So I date guys. It's only been in my 30's that I've even been able to have women friends, and at least 2/3 are probably also aspie.

I have a similar dilemma. I'm bi because I can't figure out what I want, I personally feel closer to men but at the same time I've been turned on by women. There is one female friend in particular. We'd go on trips together and end up sleeping in a hotel and she would always bring booze and put out hints that she was expecting something. My problem is that I've always been uncomfortable around all women, and I never had many female friends because of social anxiety. I tend to feel more socially comfortable around men. So anyway she got mad when I didn't take control of her. She was expecting me to play the role of the controller and I had trouble because I like to be the one who's not in control because of my AS. So in disappointment we'd always cuddle and joke around about doing stuff. Now when I'm with guys I like that I'm not the one who's in control, but at the same time I also want to be just one of the guys and not a sexual object because I don't care if I have sex with them cause it gets in the way of my valued friendships. I feel as though I am a very Androgynous human being partially because of my AS.

I am bi but feel like I may become exclusively lesbian, I have only been with one man, my present
boyfriend, I just don't feel a strong emotional bond, thats not to say that I don't love him I do very
much, but I feel like I am not completely there when I am with him

I don't think that being aspie makes being a lesbian anymore complicated than being aspie makes being heterosexual complicated. Being aspie makes relationships hard regardless of your sexuality.

Yeah, there's a different social dynamic and a lot of pressure.

Straight peeps are great (Love you folk, really) but I feel a strong need to hang with other LGBTQI folks. The thing is I'm awful with people and sure joining the local LGBT Social Meetup is not going to help. They are going hiking in my area tomorrow and I really want to go as its queer friendly AND it's hiking, which i love. But, all my past experience with the queer community has been social and judgmental, much more so than with the NT community. Finding “stepping stone” groups or AS groups are great and I have started to attempt to make friends but there is usually a lack of LGBTQI presence. Any ideas on where to meet people? Not living in the city sux sometimes.

the only thing i struggled with being an aspie lesbian was, growing up i tried to conform to traditional femmine stereotypes such as the disney fairytale princess in search of her happy ending which inevitabley involved a prince. These expectations i had for myself were completely unreaslistic and very confusing.

example how aspie + lesbian can complicate matters further:

When I was a kid, I hung out with only boys cuz girls were too cliquish and I was odd, so they boys accepted me as one of the guys
Then when I hit puberty, I just moved into a new school and I refused to dress out for gym and got an F in P.E. for the whole time I was in middle school because I was sexually attracted to the other female students and noticed this when we were in the dressing room together. Well being aspie, I did not realize that I was bi or lesbian...instead I was convinced that if I was attracted to them, they must feel the same way about me...which made me feel weird when I dressed out, so I just did not dress out. Then for all of middle school and part of high school, I was afraid that people thought I was gay...totally unaware that I am. Nobody ever asked me about it, I never heard any rumors about it, but I was so out of touch with myself and how I felt, I projected my feelings about being gay onto other people. In my mind, my perception of other students played out how I felt about myself.

I did not discover that I was bisexual or lesbian (not sure which) until I went to college and I met a woman that was bisexual too and she flirted with me alot...and it felt amazingly natrual. I thought about what it would be like to be in a sexual relationship with a woman and to my amazement, it did not bother me. Talk about a shock! Well it made my childhood struggles make more sense. It was a shock for my family too...but out of some of the coming out horror stories I heard...mine was not too bad...more annoying than anything. My family never knew what to expect from me anyway, so being lesbian/bi did not totally rock their boat. My mom told me not to tell anyone else, then she took it upon herself to tell everyone else. When my brother heard, he said "it is just another way for her to be weird...she will get over it", my sister quoted the bible's point of view on the subject, but since she was not really religious...it wasn't that big of a deal to me, and my father blamed himself for me being lesbain/bi which I let him believe that because he was an abusive sob.
As for my natural father who is a fire breathing, bible thumping penicostal....ummm I am not going to come out to him. It wont serve any purpose. He will worry about me going to hell and probably cut off any contact with me. It kinda pisses me off at a very deep level that he will never accept this about me, and our relationship has suffered because I have distanced myself from him since.

As far as LGBT groups go, I have to agree there are so many unspoken rules that are more complicated than the general population. Like one guy asked me if I was lesbian, I said no I am bi...he said, you must be a fence rider then cant decide to be queer or straight.
which pissed me off, but because of my social problems, I did not think of a response to that till a month later. By then it is waaaay to late for a snappy come back.

This.

I'm a lesbian and never been in a relationship. Whether or not that is due to being Aspie-ish or something else, I dunno. I find it very hard to wanna be with someone unless I'm completely mad for them. I just don't feel like putting forth the time when I could be doing something on my own instead.

Besides that I'm pretty asexual.

It makes it complicated among non-lesbians because the straight girls assume you're a pervert because you're socially inept

If I were straight, I would have a much higher chance of finding a compatible partner regardless of my quirks. This is because the overwhelming majority of people are straight. Because I am a lesbian, however, my potential for finding a partner is much smaller because 1. Lesbians and bisexual women are a small minority 2. An even smaller minority of this minority would be compatible with me and 3.I don't have gaydar. This is probably directly tied to my lack of body language instincts. So ya, I'm lonely.

That is me exactly.

I've always felt like a pervert as regards my homosexual tendencies. I don't know how to express myself in a way that lesbians find appropriate. Heterosexuals find it weird to have someone who's not obviously gay around, but is attracted to the same sex.

There are lots of bi girls, but in general they prefer more feminine women, and they tend to have bfs. Even I have a bf.

Well, I'm a lesbian, I'm feminine and I'm into feminine women, which makes me neither fit to the "common" lesbian scene, nor among straights. Both sides would not "recognize" me as a lesbian. It used to bother me, but I've grown some balls over the years and by now, I don't care what others think of me.

As we all know, coming out is not always easy, so I had a struggle with that one for some time. I don't think that being a lesbian Aspie makes it difficult to find someone, it's rather the fact that the lesbian population is smaller, which makes it hard for everyone I guess. The specific difficulties between Aspies/NT's are always an issue, regardless of the orientation.

I am in a relationship right now, things are not always easy for both of us, but she's the first partner I have told about my AS explicitly. All in all, she seems to cope with it well, and I am learning new things and work on my social skills as good as I possibly can.

While I hesitate to label myself as a full-blown lesbian (I am attracted to guys), I do acknowledge that I have a tendency to become attracted to other women. My feelings towards women are more intense than my feelings towards men, and that could be because I've never actually dated a man before and the most emotionally-charged relationship I ever had was with someone of my own sex.

I've also noticed that whenever I get into a special interest, I also develop a secondary fixation on a woman that is somehow connected to the interest. Examples: When I was into the anime One Piece I developed a fixation on the character Nico Robin, when I was into Hellsing it was Rip van Winkle and when I was into Trinity Blood it was Noelle. Most recently, my passion for Tim Burton films has led to a romantic fixation towards his domestic partner, Helena Bonham Carter.