I feel so bad for my son sometimes..no, all the time

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My son is 11 years old, he has AS..he has moved from schools twice (not cause of AS ) he has no friends, he goes to school everyday, I see kids in front of the school waiting to get picked up ..playing, talking, socializing...and then there is my son, just sort of pacing or just kinda being out of sorts.. he comes home to his only fun in life ( the computer ) he enjoys a couple of other things but only ends up dissapointed in whatever it is..every year that he has a birthday the chances of another child being involved in the celebration is almost impossible ( except his 6 year old sister )and if there are no kids involved he gets very sad...I guess he figures they should just appear. when he was smaller he used to have little friends ( but I guess they didnt stick. ) I am not writing this post because I think that my son is strange, I just wish that there were ways of getting friends for him ( this is not coming out right at all ) its weird, he is in an inclusion class, but the other kids dont seem like him...i dont know if there are other kids there with AS...maybe not. I don't know...does this get easier?? thats my big question...for me and for him...mainly for him...

I think it does get easier. Kids grow up and will make friends more easily as they do.

I hope so.. thanks

Hey - could you join or contact a local aspie group and ask one or two of the kids from there to come to the party. If they're anything like my son they'll love to be able to tell their parents that they are going to their friends party! He may well make a lasting bond there.

You should perhaps give him some treatment by sending him into some sort of Autism Centre. He may grow up and develop his social skills, but don't take chances. It may get worse for him in high school where people might bully him or beat him up.

I can't offer you advice because my daughter is only 3.5. However, I know that your situation is frustrating and it's hard to see your precious son unhappy.

I hope you get the resources and encouragement you need.

It almost sounds like we live parallel lives. My son is also 11, and his little sister is now 6. For years he'd ask for all kinds of birthday parties, which his father and I gladly threw, but generally it was just he and his sister, and maybe the new kid in town who didn't know better, who showed up. It was heartbreaking.

A year or so ago, he finally made a friend. One, single friend, but they are inseparable, best buds. We have actually put off moving this year because I don't have the heart to tear him from the only true friendship he's ever known.

This year, for his birthday, he asked for a day with his buddy, at the local pizza/play house. He had a blast!

It will take time, but I am sure your son will also find that one simpatico person he too can get along with.

blondie, I have been in your shoes...my son to me is the best, but at school...hes constantly harassed about being weird, or following people...hes actually been hit a few times. My younger son, 10 yrs old, has to 'protect' his older brother at school, on the bus ride home, and in our own neighborhood. We did take him out of most his general education classes, hes in Special Ed at the moment, and that has helped him out in the self esteem department. Hes bringing home better grades, his classroom is more relaxed, and hes around others that dont make fun of him for the better part of his day. Recess and Lunchtime are hard for him, because he is in the general population. (There are a few kids at his school that are totally relentless)

There is some hope though. My son has made an actual friend at school, though the boy is younger than him by 2 years, Ive noticed this is who he can relate to better. He also has another friend who is the child of one of my friends. These are the only two people that he allows into his world. My 10 year old has surpassed him already in maturity, and gets frustrated easily with his brother. I try to make 'playdates' so to speak so he can get together with my friends son, as often as I can and when not in school he speaks to his other friend on the phone or they play online games together.

I hope this helps
Candace

My son's too young (2. to have any tested parenting advice, but I went through the same thing as a kid - my last birthday "party" was probably around age 9. The rest were just with my parents and sister. It does get easier, but it can seem horrible at the time. I'm 38 now, and look back on it all with amazement that I am where I am now - married, successful, and happy. I think my worst years were around 12-14. Eventually my father "forced" me to make friends ("You'd better make some friends, son. What's wrong with you???"), which was extremely traumatic for me, and I don't at all agree with his methods. It's just too hard to "fake it" at that age - those kids know who you are, and aren't going to buy it if you suddenly appear to change overnight. It has to come gradually, and the only true friendships will be with other kids who have similar interests, or at least, are similarly lonely.

What I would recommend is to get him around some other kids, or even adults, that enjoy his special interests. In my case, I was obsessed with building models, so I joined a model building club. Everyone in the club, except me, were adults, but I could converse at their level when it came to "the interest." That gave me enough practice, and enough self esteem and confidence to embark on the journey toward "faking it" among the NT world. I would imagine it would be a lot easier to find people around his own age that are interested in computers, which would also increase the chance of making some true friends right away. Check to see if there is a computer club, or a computer games club, or whatever it is that he is interested in, and get him to attend meetings/game nights, whatever they have.

At the same time, help him with "faking it" in the NT world. By that I don't mean pretending to be someone he isn't, but definitely help him with the superficial stuff. Appearances are everything at that age. Because I had absolutely no social sense, as well as a great resistance to change, I kept a rather childish and out-of-fashion appearance well into junior high, and that hurt me a great deal. I knew it, too, but didn't know how to ask my parents for help, and was deathly afraid of showing up at school one day with a different hair cut, or new glasses, or anything like that. I took the first day of high school as an opportunity to do all of that, and got rid of my glasses (contacts), got a fashionable haircut (rather mullet-like at the time), and up-to-date clothing. Believe it or not, it seemed to make a difference in the way people treated me, and really boosted my self-esteem.

Maybe try band class, too, unless it's just too late (I don't think it is, at 11). The kids in band classes (or orchestra) are usually a lot nicer than the general school population, and that can be an excellent social circle to start with.

As I said, I disagree with my father's methods-by-force, but I did need someone to kind of push me into action. It's too easy to just stay the same. "Faking it" is important not for the NT acquaintences he might make, but for the social skills and number of people he will expose himself to - eventually he will meet others that are like him, and that's where true friendships will form. It will happen.

If I was put into my father's shoes now, and I am sure I will be in a few more years (my son is PDD-NOS), I would take the approach I described above, and "force" my son into some social groups where I know he has a better chance of succeeding, related to his special interests, help him with the all-important "appearances" (or find someone to help him - I'm still hopelessly out-of-fashion), and provide a very active family life to come home to, for those days when it just doesn't work, and he needs to come home and feel loved and accepted. Which will be most days, for a long time. Just let him know that's OK.

DL
(this is my first post, by the way - been lurking ever since my son's diagnosis 4 months ago, and the revelation that I am an Aspie)

My childhood was a LOT like what you're describing your son as having.

I seemed to have a couple friends in preschool and kindergarten. We moved between K and 1st Grade, and I was friends pretty much with the neighborhood kids. Those friendships died in mid elementary school, by late elementary school and middle school, I was almost completely friendless--and getting bullied and teased every day because of it. I had one friend (who actually was a Special Needs student who shared my same special interest), but we were seperated by a grade, and most classes. No group of friends, no place in the cafeteria to feel welcome, many Saturdays at home alone.

High School was better in that the teasing stopped. I actually found and became actively involved with organizations and summer camps for my area of special interest, and made many friends both at my age level and older. Now I'm in college, and it's been like a dream. I have some great friends, from all sorts of backgrounds, many in a group (I'm in a co-ed fraternity, one that does not have a house and is not your stereotypical "Animal House" style frat--I wouldn't last 10 minutes in one of those).

One thing I will point out, since your son's situation sounds so similar to mine at that age: if your son develops the common AS trait of having one very specific, intense interest, try to find a group for that. In high school, I joined and became active with my state's Association for the subject area I was interested in, and made a lot of great friendships (albiet with people twice to three times my age). I also went to a summer camp for teenagers who were interested in that field, and to this day keep in touch with a large percentage of fellow campers. Like I said earlier, one of the few friends I did have in middle school (and still am friends with to this day) was a classmate of mine who was in inclusion classes, and had the same special interest I had. I will point out that, at age 11, you'd want to go (or have another trusted adult) go to any meeting of any organization with your son, but putting him in environments where he can meet people who want to talk about the things he wants to talk about will certainly be a lot more conducive to friendship forming than an environment where people want him to "stop talking about [insert subject here] already."

I will disclaim that I have not been diagnosed, and am pretty much still a "Not Sure if I Have It" (as far as the checkbox on the list of associations to AS goes when you sign up at this site), though I am beginning to think I am borderline AS/HFA. My childhood was very AS-like, and my sources of doubt focus on my life in college and these past few years. But your post brought back so many memories of growing up--including the knowledge of memories I know I don't have because I had few, if any, friends for much of my childhood, that I felt I needed to respond.

wow...people to identify with..
thanks so much for your great ideas ( I wish you guys would move to florida ) of course I am still sad about my son, but since I found " this place " I have been able to see some kind of hope for daniel..I cant believe that there are so many people living the same life as me ..especially the moms that posted ( aspiemom is in the same boat ! 11 and 6..eek ) and candace ..you too...everybody ! lol..thank you..lupe

DL you sound soooo much like my ex (son's father) ....and my son is much like him too...so it gives me hope for a happy life for him in the future. I have worried so much about that because he doesnt seem to attach to many people...mainly myself, stepfather (somewhat), grandmother....and he does have a friend that HE chose. I dont push for that, because I want it to come naturally, but I do try to encourage him.

Lupe, anytime you need to talk, I am more than willing to listen. I have alot of guilt, for not recognizing my sons issues earlier. I mean I KNEW that he was different, but in my house that is not a bad thing, you know? I encourage my kids to be non-conformists. But when I looked back on all of it, my gosh....there were sirens, flashing red signs, bells and whistles going off. *sigh*


Candace

Thanks "Iheartmyaspie." Or, at least, I think so...

There is most certainly hope for the future. But it is going to be very hard for a while. That's why it's so important to "be there for him" - meaning that you understand the troubles he is having, empathize with how lonely he must feel, agree that most people are jerks, but don't make such a big deal about it. Let him forget about it at home, and just concentrate on helping him fill his time with stuff he enjoys doing. Preferably, with you and the rest of the family, or at least something constructive. Also make sure he knows there are plenty of other people who have been through the same thing, and have made it through OK, and are stronger because of it. Hope is powerful and very important. Things do get better, and make sure he knows that. The aspie ability to focus can be very profitable, if the focus is turned toward something useful such as computer programming or engineering. Starting around high school (but usually mostly in college), "skills" (I prefer "special abilities" - more heroic, you know) all of a sudden become more important to other people.

And also help him to understand that many (but not all) of the jerks at school will one day grow up to be far more pleasant people. It's not good for the health to carry around a mistrust or dislike for 98% of humanity, although that's an understandable reaction, and one that I shared for a while (though, admittedly, for more like 90% of humanity). I now tolerate at least 80% of the people around me!

I forgot one bit of advice (?) from my childhood regarding birthdays: After the days of kiddie parties were over, my parents would take me to a nice restaurant, of my choice (within limits) for my birthday every year. That helped me rationalize why it was just us - it was too expensive to invite any friends!

Good luck, and congratulations - Aspies are the most interesting people around! It just takes a while for others to understand and appreciate that.

Blondie,

I'm sorry that your son feels so lonely. I've been where he is. I didn't have very many birthday parties either. I remember when I turned 16, my parents wanted to give me a Sweet 16 party. I told them no. I didn't want a big party because I knew hardly anyone would show up.

I don't have very many friends. But the few friends I do have are also quirky and odd. They don't all have AS but they are also left out of the mainstream social scene. When I was in high school, I didn't even attempt to befriend the jocks, cheerleaders, or popular people because I knew I was not in their league. I always gravitated towards the odd people on the fringes.

Like some of the other posters have mention here. See if there are some groups for AS kids in your area. Also, if he has special interest maybe he could join a group and make friends there.

I also have an 11 yr old ds. Exactly same problems so sad..... For his birthday, he wants a friend. Sure wishI could buy one. Great replies with lots of hope, though.

We're homeschooling now and my 9-y-o actually has more friends than he has ever had. Based on our experiences, kids at school just won't be friendly to our kids. Instead, my son's best friends have been the one boy from Cub Scouts. At first they really hated each other, but during the summer we ran into them at the local public swimming pool. Suddenly, instant best friends once they were away from the pressure cooker of school and away from the potentially judgemental other Scouts.

At our new home his friends are neighbor kids that don't really know him well from school. He was there for a couple months before we pulled him out and these boys weren't in his same class anyway.

I monitor his time with the boys very closely so I can pull him home on some excuse before he goes over the edge (don't know what else to call it). We also try to keep it to one-on-one. We had a homeschool group yesterday at a new location with some kids we hadn't met yet - it was a disaster! He just can't cope in new situations and larger groups (like 6,8 boys yesterday).

Since he just loves to lecture on his favorite topic and wants to do only what he wants to do, we also try to keep any visits short enough that the other kids don't get too much of his lecturing. We've also tried very hard to explain taking turns as leader and how sometimes you have to do what they want if you want them to stay friends.

It's just always a lot of work and a lot of heartbreak though.