Complaints that my daughter is acting "different"

Post Reply New Topic

My 8 year old daughter (ADHD/Aspie) is normally a friendly and affectionate person. She is coming back tomorrow after having spent a month with her father and his GF. His GF complained to his mother that my daughter has acted "differently" towards them on this visit. That she hasn't been as affectionate, especially towards her father. My ex's mom called me to tell me about the conversation and said she thought that maybe the GF was thinking that I had been bad mouthing them and that's why my daughter was acting differently towards them. My ex MIL assured them that that wasn't the case. My ex also said that our daughter seemed to be acting so different that he was worried about her and when asked what was wrong she told them that she really missed her mommy. She is supposed to come back home for 9 days and then go back to her fathers to finish his visitation time with her for the summer.

I don't know where her acting "different" could be coming from other than maybe she is just tired of being down there. The novelty wore off, so to speak. I know last time she went down there she complained that it was nice at first to have the GF's 2 other younger boys to play with, but that she didn't like not being able to get any peace and quiet. I think not being able to get time to herself to unwind gets to her after a while. Her father did report that she was getting along with the other kids better and was having less tantrums, but that she was still having issues sharing. He said they would buy all 3 kids the same little cheap toys (paints and paper, etc) and that she would put her items up and come out and play with the 2 boys items and then when they ran out or got broke she would take hers out of it's hiding place and then refuse to let the boys touch it. When they told her she had to share her items because she played with theirs, she would not be impressed.

Anyhow, guess I am just needing to talk. Not really needing questions answered except maybe wondering if anyone else has dealt with similar issues? I'm going to talk to her while she's here and see what I can find out and hopefully be able to improve on the situation, or at least shed some light on it. I asked her over the phone if everything was alright, was she being treated well down there and she said "Yeah... I'd just prefer to be home, is all."

Thinking that maybe I need to alter the visitation schedule to reduce the length of her visits to her fathers (not reduce his time with her, but reduce the length of each visit and spread it out more).

You really have your hands full...an AS girl and back and forth visits must be tough for everyone...I have a HFA or AS (who knows...hehe) boy age 8 and I was also an EOW kind of stepmom...so I want to give you a different perspective...

I do believe as you say that she needs to have her "down" time sometimes and people who are not used to dealing with our kids do not always understand that...they might find it ridiculous actually...I've heard it before...however, being that you do want her to have a good relationship with her dad and GF, etc...I would suggest you actually attempt to talk to the GF and tell her something to the effect of "hey, I heard from my daughter that she's having fun playing with your kids...that is so great because she really needs that social interaction to succeed...I will tell you however, that sometimes she gets overwhelmed, it's happened here when there are too many kids or it gets too loud and the best thing for her is to go to a quiet room, watch TV, read a book and just relax for a bit..." This might not all be true, you can change it as you wish...but I would really try to approach it from THAT standpoint...that will ensure that both the EX and GF feel that you actually ARE happy that she is visiting them and not bad mouthing them, but also letting them know that if she gets overwhelmed or sad, etc...it's NOT their fault...and this will allow the GF and your EX to put their guard down and give that special "down time, peaceful happy room" that your kiddo needs when she is there.

I will say about your EX MIL...I am glad you have a good relationship with her, HOWEVER, I do believe that her telling YOU these things is a way for her to have control over the situation and it could backfire BIGTIME! She wants to be the nice person to you and to new GF and guess what? Eventually her bringing little gossip to you and GF will create animosity between both you and GF and this will really impact your little girl...do NOT allow her to tell you these things EVER...If she ever calls you with "GF told me X", tell her, "funny, she didn't mention it to me, it must not be important" or similar...If there is something that your ex-H truly feels you need to know, I can assure you that he will tell you...It is obvious from your post that you have a decent relationship with him, give him the benefit that he will look out for his child and your child...he will.

As far as your questions to her of "are you being treated well down there?" Please, please, do not do that. Why? I know you worry about her, but the actual question makes it seem as though you have a doubt that she might not be treated well...that is enough to put things in her head, that is enough to create doubt, that is enough to begin to destroy her relationship with the GF and cause problems for you and ex-H...instead say something like "hey, I heard you went to blah blah or what have you been playing with the other two kids? sounds like fun! When you come back you can tell me all about it..." Believe me that if something is really wrong, she WILL TELL YOU...otherwise, although I truly believe you do not mean to, you are creating a little doubt in her head, that maybe she should be worried, that maybe they would not treat her right, etc...

Now, when she comes back and you talk to her, ask her what is the difference about your place and her dads...she might say it is quiet here and not there, or whatever...then try to find a constructive way to let your ex-H know about what things make her feel calm and peaceful and work with him to give HER that in both homes...

Moms like you who are willing to put their kid's needs first, above the whole EX, GF, blah, blah kind of stuff are very rare...You are doing a great job and I am sure it must be tough dealing with an AS kiddo alone most of the time...be proud of the great job you are doing and know that all you do to make her life more comfortable at BOTH places will make a huge difference in your little girl's life...

Thanks for the reply, whatamess. I do have a very good relationship with my ex MIL. My ex has been a pretty poor excuse for a father (long story) but has been getting better over the last year and a half due to his GF I believe, so I am glad she is in the picture. I don't have to worry so much knowing that she is there, so I am thankful for that. We had some issues initially of them not understanding what was going on with my daughter and they outright refused at first to accept the Asperger's diagnosis. They were of the opinion that she was a spoiled brat who needed her butt whooped. But after I spoke to her father and tried to educate him a little and asked him to read up on it things got better. I know one thing that was contributing to her meltdowns before while she was there was that they would not allow her on the computer which is a major hobby of hers - when they finally listened and allowed her access to a computer they seen an improvement in her behavior. I've tried to tell her father to make sure she has a place she can go to where she can be alone to sit down and read or draw, etc that it would really help but unfortunately he is not listening. Perhaps seeing how she is being affected he will make some changes. I know it hurt his feelings that she wanted so badly to come home early since he only sees her on school holidays as he lives over a hundred miles away and by choice doesn't take advantage of his EOW visitation rights because of the travel involved. I guess sometimes first hand experience is your best teacher.

I've tried to be friendly to his GF, but she's not interested in a friendship. Seems she has the mindset that I am the ex and therefore an enemy? Who knows. Apparently she is a jealous type and feels the less I am involved the better. My ex MIL has been landed with the job of a "go-between" as my ex's GF doesn't like him having a lot of contact with me so a lot of the time he calls his mother to relay information back and forth so his GF doesn't get upset. Not good to have my ex MIL in that kind of a position, but it is what it is. My daughter is her only grand child and she is very involved in her life and has been a tremendous support system in my life also, I honestly don't know what I'd do without her, she is like another mother to me. She gets along with her sons GF, also, so I don't feel like she is causing trouble. She just gives me heads up on things so I know how best to approach situations when it comes to her son and his GF.

I don't think asking her if she was being treated well will plant any kinds of seeds in my daughters head. She is a straight forward person and prefers direct questions just as she delivers direct answers, lol. Just the way her mind works I doubt she will over think my question and begin to worry.

Thanks for your thoughts. I really want for her time spent with her Daddy to be enjoyable. I think this will be part of the learning process for him and just maybe he might be more willing to listen and realize I'm not trying to be a pain in his a$$, I am trying to help him understand his little girl.

It sounds to me like you are making the best of a difficult situation and you've made some progress. Your daughter is lucky to have a grandmother who is such a good advocate for her and a mom who's willing to overlook petty issues between the adults to do what's right for her. I would not call your mother in laws help gossip because what she is doing is in the best interest of your daughter and isn't being done to cause problems but to solve them.

The GF needs to grow up and learn to put aside her petty issues for the sake of the children. I think you are being very tolerant, and I know you're doing it because you only want what's best for your daughter.

My ex and his new wife are also very difficult. They refuse to deal with the children's neurological or medical issues in any way. Now they refuse to see two of the three children because they just can't cope with what the kids need. Eldest can be difficult and I do kind of understand why. He doesn't handle transitions well and going back and forth for visits has always been really hard on him, so it's probably for the best. Still their reason isn't that they want what's best for him it's that they refuse to deal with his behavior. When I tried to talk to them about strategies for helping him with transitions they just got really nasty and accused me of causing his problems to keep him away from them. Now they refuse to see the Little Guy as well, and that's only because they aren't comfortable giving him Mirilax as per the Drs order. They say that because they can't contact his Drs they don't feel they can give him medicines. The reason they can't contact the Drs is because one of them had a restraining order put on my ex for harrassment when she was trying to dx eldest's AS. He was calling her 18 and 19 times a day and demanding to speak with her even after she'd promised to talk to him as soon as she had something to tell him. When the judge did the order he made it for all of the kids Drs.

Anyway, you're not alone. We've got our issues with ex's here too. Right now Middle Son is over there without his brothers and I'm hoping it's going well for him.

Sorry, but your ex-mil should not be your best friend, she should be her son's best friend...also, I really thought you wanted advice on how to make this better, but it's obvious that you just want a "you are doing a good job, keep doing it, they are wrong, you are right..." If so, continue in that path...it will get worse...YOUR children WILL suffer...You can blame it on the ex not seeing them, but when the kids grow up they will see the reality of things...You can blame others all you want or you can try a different approach...but it's obvious that your need to be "right" is greater than your need to try something different in the hopes of making it easier for your daughter...at the end, when it gets worse, you can blame the ex and gf instead of taking responsibility for instead of attempting to be right, actually looking at other options, other points of view, etc...

I am NT, and my parents were divorced when I was 6 yrs old. Every summer I had to go spend about a month and a half at my dad's house. It was much farther away than your ex's, so we could not split up visits. Anyway, when I started to get older, I just missed being away from my home and my friends and my normal activities. So to some degree, this seems pretty normal to me. It may get worse as she becomes a teenager, and this is no reflection on either parent. It is just the way it is.......Sorry you have to deal with all of this.

As far as the MIL, trust your own instincts. Like you said, the GF has no desire to be a friend, and that is understandable, but it seems like your ex husband should be the one talking to you. If you are comfortable with the MIL situation, then I wouldn't worry about it.

maybe its just me but wow, that came across as really harsh. the OP didnt ask for advice and said she was posting not to get questions answered and just needed to talk. either way, thats a rough reaction just because someone chose not to take proffered advice.

my oldest is 13 and from a previous marriage, he spends 2 months every summer with his father. weve never had them complain he acted differently, but ive sure experienced him acting differently when he came home. often it was because of something he overheard that shouldnt have been uttered in his earshot (he once overheard his stepmom say that i "stole" him in the middle of the night) or from overt disruptive action on their part (when younger he couldnt say my SOs name, david, so called him dayday and one summer when he was 7 or so they told him that only babies say that and taught him how to pronounce my SOs name).

she may be getting to the age where shes wondering the big why, if she doesnt already know. sometimes that can make them act a little cooler towards the parent they think is the cause. could also be because shes not a little girl anymore. shes entering the tween years, im pretty sure those are the new thirty. she could be having conflicts with the GF or her kids; my son did not like his stepmom and until this past january when she and his dad split, my son would get mood changes a few weeks before and after his visits. he did not have the mood swings before this summers visit.

i would suggest just really talking to her honestly and telling her what was observed and see if she has any reasons for it. maybe shes uncomfortable there for some reason, maybe something changed this year that has her off balance. if there is an issue she may be unlikely to talk to you on the phone about it while she is still there. but there are so many things it could be, and shes the only one who can really tell you.

There is absolutely no reason why I should not be able to have a close relationship with my ex MIL. Seems as though maybe you have some personal issues with that (in your own life?) and perhaps you need to work on them. I divorced my ex, I didn't divorce his mother, nor anyone else in his family and I see no reason to cut ties with them. My ex MIL loves her son, but she loves her only grand daughter more and wants what is best for her regardless of who is wrong or who is right, even if it is her own flesh and blood. I'm also not stupid enough to believe that she wouldn't come down on me like a tonne of bricks if I was to be in the wrong regarding my daughter.

I'm also going to say, yes, I am doing a good job and on the whole I believe I am more "right" regarding my daughter. And guess what? I didn't come here to seek approval from you or others because I don't need it. All you know about this situation is all you have read here, which doesn't even scratch the surface of what my daughter and I have been through. So, your harsh words for me sound rather ignorant and obviously point to the fact that you have some baggage you have chose to wrongly unload here. I posted because I needed to talk and hear others stories or thoughts - I didn't come here to be patted on the back, nor attacked by someone who has issues when their thoughts are not agreed with. Do me a favor and post your deranged rants on issues you actually have forehand knowledge of.

Thank you azurecrayon, angelbear and Kiley for your input. I think she was just homesick and in need of a break away from the two little boys. She said she has fun playing with them, but they get annoying after a while. I haven't really asked her any questions since she got home yesterday, I figured if she doesn't volunteer anything after a couple of days then I'll ask her a few questions. One of the first things she said after I picked her up was "Phew - I feel cleaner already." so I asked her why she said that and she said that her fathers house is pretty messy. Certainly a little mess isn't going to kill her, lol. I just thought it was funny.

She seems to be her normal self apart from the mood swings I usually see after she comes back from her fathers. It's like she intentionally starts pushing boundaries and looking for conflict when she gets back. I don't fully understand the mentality behind it, but I guess she has built up frustration and needs to get it out somehow. It usually takes up to a week or two before she gets that out of her system. In that 1-2 weeks she has more meltdowns and whatnot. When I try to talk to her about why she gets so difficult she just cups her hands over her ears and refuses to listen or speak. An example of her after conflict would be like this morning we sat down to eat breakfast at the coffee table so we could watch cartoons together. She asked if she could sit her plate on the couch to eat, instead of the coffee table in front of us. She knows that is not something I allow because she's asked before and I've always said no. So when I told her no she flopped back on the couch to sulk and refused to eat. I ignored her for a few minutes, then asked her to eat her breakfast before it got cold. She started off into a meltdown about wanting the plate on the couch. I told her no again so she started crying and carrying on. I told her she could eat her breakfast off the coffee table like we usually do, or she could go hungry, the choice was hers. After about 10 minutes of crying and growling at me she stopped and decided to eat and then was fine. The meltdowns she has when she gets back can stop and start out of the blue and can be about the smallest things.

something i notice with my 4yr old aspie is that when his environment is chaotic, his behavior is more chaotic. he becomes "more autistic". for instance when his room is messy (and frankly its messy a lot since he makes horrible messes in there) he doesnt like to spend as much time in there and has more trouble at bedtime calming down. its a real battle at our house since my SO and 3 boys are incredibly messy people, and the two aspies dont function well in that enviromnent even though they are the two biggest causes of it. its like natures joke to make it so hard for them to stay organized and yet be so negatively affected by disorganization.

do you think the state of your ex's house could have been affecting your daughters behavior? certainly if she wasnt comfortable it could show in how she acts.



you know, in my first post, i had written about my oldest sons mood swings in the few weeks before and after summer visitations. i deleted it because i tend to be long winded and am trying to tone that down =P now he is not dx asd, but will be undergoing some evals this fall because he definitely isnt nt, and shares a lot of traits with his aspie brother (sensory issues, resistance to change, rocks as a stim, executive dysfunction, trouble verbally processing directions, etc). this is the 9th year he went to his fathers for the summer and every time we see those mood swings. we see them beforehand, usually as soon as the date is set which is 2-3 weeks before he leaves, and again for a few weeks after he comes home. my son is very oppositional on a normal day so this means those weeks are pretty stressful and unbearable.

for some reason, when he comes home he has to push the boundaries. i do think its partly because this is his home, where he is comfortable. he just spent two months in a not-as-familiar place where he doesnt feel quite at home, and when he does get home, he feels safe to act out. his father has never mentioned any oppositional behavior (hes usually well behaved at school or when visiting people) which leads me to think hes been holding himself in check at his fathers and then is just letting down his hair when he gets home. i try to be understanding of how he must be feeling, while still laying down the law to give him that reassurance that home hasnt changed any and its still the same place. i think this is probably a pretty normal thing for kids to go through.

Hi there, I do not think that there is anything wrong with staying friendly with your MIL. My MIL had 4 boys and no girls, so even when a couple of her sons divorced, she still does stuff with them, and she calls me once a week to see how we are doing and checks up on my daughters. While we lived close to her we did stuff together every week. And she adores all of her grandchildren. We do try not to talk about her son, my soon to be ex. I fill her in on our life and she fills me in on hers. As for your ex not seeing your daughter as often as visitation allows because he lives a hundred miles away, well that is just stupid! My ex and I live 200 miles from each other and we meet 1/2 way every other thursday at 2:30 and then again Sunday at 2:30. We each put 800 miles a month on our cars for exchange only! And I think your idea of more smaller visits sounds like it would work well for your daughter, she sounds like she enjoys going, it just becomes over to much. Does she have her own room, she is a 8 year old girl so she really should. Maybe you could explain it to your ex that "our daughter really enjoys coming to your home and being with you, GF and the boys. But would you mind trying shorter visits more often, at least until she can have her own space in your home? Maybe if he realizes it will make him a thoughtful understanding parent, who knows... You are lucky that you daughter likes to go.. my ASD 3 year old screams and cry when it is time to go to daddies! And he says all she does about every 20 min. Mommy? Bye-Bye car Mommy! it is heart breaking for me, I thought after a couple of months it would just become routine, I was wrong. I even make it sound as good as disneyland and start pre parring her 2 days in advance. I think this is one of the hardest things I have had to "deal" with in her 3 years of life! So just hang in there, at least yours is trying to understand his little girl and that is the first step! And I am also of the belief that your wording to your daughter is fine, my 14 year old ASD son, If I do not ask a straight forward ?, I will just get a "fine", and he wont tell me if there is anything wrong, unless I ask the straight forward ?.. Good Luck to you

So sorry that you have to deal with that, mommieof3asdangels. My daughter will at least go when she doesn't want to, only thing is her asking for me to come get her once she gets there.

I had thought of that. She elaborated on her complaint a little and said that their house was dirty and not organized. That nothing had a place and she had trouble finding things when she wanted them.

I asked her why she wasn't as loving towards her father and she said that he was mean to his girlfriend. I asked how was he mean and she said that he didn't help out around the house to cook or clean or help with her 2 boys. She said it wasn't fair and that he should be doing half the work. She said something about the GF putting up shelves all by herself and her daddy didn't even help her. An odd thing for an 8 year old to pick up on and be bothered about. But she's never liked when things aren't fair so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. She also said her daddy yells too much and that he is lazy and sleeps in too late and doesn't do much with her.

I spoke with her daddy last night because it was up in the air if she was going back down to his place. She told me she didn't want to, but then when he told her some of the plans they had for when she got back she said that she did want to go, but didn't want to stay long. We discussed from now on breaking the summer visits up to make it easier on her. I told him I wasn't trying to prevent him from spending time with her, but that I didn't want to force her to do something she didn't want to do and that we needed to think about what was best for her. He sounded as though maybe he was in agreement, but with him you never can tell. I've tried to be flexible with visitation and have allowed him to have her on school breaks when it wasn't even his visitation time simply because he doesn't see her during the school year with the EOW visitation he doesn't take advantage of. I pointed that out and he just said "I know" and went silent. I also told him he needed to start calling her at least once a week when she is with me because it's nothing for him to go 2-3 months without speaking to her and she's getting closer to the age where she will start to take notice of that.




Join the club! I don't even try to tone it down because it's not possible, LMAO.

I think that the complainers, need to get a life. It's not a perfect world, it's a neurdiverse world. People need to get that, into their little brains.

We are not "complaining" we are discussing ideas and giving advice...

I think she was referring to my ex and his GF complaining about my daughter acting different.

I, for one, am happy that she is different. She is a sweet, funny & interesting person. Of course, she has her episodes, but heck, don't we all? I think one of her best attributes comes from her Asperger's and that is that she never judges anyone, she just accepts them as they are and is nice to everyone. Other little girls her age can be such mean little creatures!

She's an aspie, she probably has routines at home that she follows, and this no matter how you look at it is a big change, something we don't deal with easily some days.

I'm assuming also that she is an only child. If so, this makes it even more difficult, she's not used to the noise, and chaos that comes with having sisters or brothers around 24/7 especially if they are younger than her, and she's probably also not to keen on having to share the attention time of her father.

I'm an adult female aspie, I'm also an only child. I remember coming to visit my grandparents around the holidays, I loved them dearly, but it wasn't home, it wasn't my bed, it wasn't the routine I found comfort in...and with the other kids running around it was a sensory he$$ some days. I also had some major sharing issues, normally I hid my toys from them because they weren't as careful with them as I was and I didn't want them broken. I couldn't wait to get home, and the older I got the more it bothered me sometimes.

I wouldn't worry too much about the comunication issues with the GF right now, time will most likely cash her a reality check and things should clear up, as long as she is okay with your daughter and there's no conflict between them, I'd leave it be, because that's what really matters. Right now I see nothing wrong with communicating though your MIL, as long as you try to stay focused on your daughters needs, which I think you are.

Right now she's got two very different households, with different rules and different ways of doing things. She's bound to have a few meltdowns. Hopefully though it will get easier or maybe the two of you can talk about things that might make it so. Good luck.

Sounds like you've got a great kid there. :] I am an Aspie girl, I'm about to turn 19 in a few months, and while I haven't gone through a divorce or anything, just wanted to let you know that I can't even imagine what you guys must be going through! I know I called home in tears when I went to spend the night at a friend's house for one freakin' day. I'm sure you know the conversation, "MOM, I AM SO MISERABLE, PLEASE COME AND GET ME AND TAKE ME HOME, IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT I DON'T HAVE ANY ALONE TIME, ETC. ETC!! !" Don't get me started with going to school. Just wanted to drop in and say my hat goes off to you and your daughter, I am just imagining how I've reacted to things and amplifying it. I know you weren't really looking for a pat on the back, but I thought you deserved one anyway. :]